.hax//WTF Season X

[Hayate]

Here’s the first episode of .hax//WTF Season X. Season X works a little differently than the other seasons. Unlike Seasons 1 through 6, Season X is not an official season on its own. Each episode of Season X takes place during a random time in any of the previous seasons. Episode 1 of Season X, for example, takes place between episodes 2 and 3 of Season 1. Enjoy.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Season X, Episode 1

Haseo: *snores* …Oh, Shino… Yeah, you like that, don’t ya…? *snores*

*Haseo rolls over in bed and his hand lands on someone’s shoulder*

Haseo: Ooh, Shino, your shoulders are so tense… Want me to massage them for you…?

Atoli: Ahhh… That feels good, Haseo…

Haseo: …Shino, are you on helium? *opens eyes and sees Atoli sleeping next to him* …

*in the kitchen…*

Piros the 3rd: *whistles while making pancakes* Thou hast not lived until thou hath tasted my famous Piros pancakes!

Lawliet: Less talky, more feedy!

*Piros walks over to the table with several plates of pancakes*

Piros: Here you go!

UnKnOwN: It’s about damn time, Goldie!

*Piros is about to set the plates down until…*

Haseo: *from upstairs* AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Piros: AAAHHH!!!

*…Haseo’s scream causes him to toss the plates into the air; pancakes land on Lawliet’s, UnKnOwN’s and Kite’s heads*

Kite: … *eye twitches*

Piros: Uh… Hehehehe… Oops?

*Lawliet, UnKnOwN, and Kite all draw their weapons and glare at Piros*

Piros: … *runs away*

All: THE HUNT IS ON!!!

*Lawliet, UnKnOwN, and Kite all chase Piros out the back door; meanwhile, Kirby sucks up all of the pancakes*

Kirby: *swallows pancakes* Mmm. Tastes like cinnamon.

*in the living room, Slade is busy taking pictures of BlackEcho as he poses*

BlackEcho: Okay, now this one!

Slade: *takes picture*

BlackEcho: Now this one!

Slade: *takes picture*

BlackEcho: And this one!

Slade: *takes picture* Can we stop now!? This is beyond gay!!

BlackEcho: NO!!! My fans want pictures of me, and pictures of me they shall have! Do you want your 20% cut or not!?

Slade: …C.ockbag…

BlackEcho: YOU SAY SOMETHING?!?

Slade: *sigh* No…

BlackEcho: Good! Now take pictures, damn you!

*seconds later, Haseo walks down the stairs in anger*

Slade: Mornin’, Haseo.

Haseo: *roars like a lion*

Slade: …Dude, what crawled up your ass?

Dekar: *pops out* There’s something up Haseo’s ass!? An exorcism, I say! *gets hit in the head with the TV* …Ow…

Ovan: Hey, I was watching that!

Haseo: *roars louder*

Ovan: …Never mind…

Atoli: *runs down the stairs* Morning, everybody!

All: …

BlackEcho: …Wake up next to Atoli again, Haseo?

Haseo: Bite me, Endrance…

BlackEcho: I said call me “BlackEcho”!!!

Haseo: I’ll call you “dead” if you don’t shut the f**k up!!! *walks into the kitchen*

Atoli: Wait up, Haseo!

Haseo: *from the kitchen* Follow me and die, woman!

Atoli: Aww… *sits on the couch next to Ovan* Why does Haseo hate me, Ovan?

Ovan: Maybe ‘cuz you’re a retarded bitch with Grunty droppings for brains…

Atoli: …Oh, yeah…

*suddenly, Piros comes running into the house through the front door with dozens of scratches on his armor*

Piros: *panting* DO ALL THE PEOPLE IN THIS HOUSE GET ANGRY THIS EASILY?!?

Slade: *takes picture of BlackEcho* …More than you know…

Dekar: …Hey, guys, is it a bad thing if brain juice is oozing out of your ears?

All: Shut up, Dekar.

Ovan: *sets the TV down in its original place* …There!

*just then, an image of the WTF House appears on the TV*

Ovan: The hell? I didn’t even turn the TV on!

Piros: ‘Tis the house we’re in!

Ovan: Hey, guys, come take a look at this! It looks like some kind of commercial.

*all of the housemates assemble in the living room to watch the commercial*

TV Voiceover: “This is the story of 13 housemates…”

Haseo: Tri-Edge ain’t gonna save you now, bitch!!

Piros: Piros the 3rd hath arrived!!

UnKnOwN: Konnichiwa, f**kers!!

TV Voiceover: “…forced to live under one roof…”

Dekar: MY SCYTHE OF WOTON SHALL VANQUISH THEE!!

Ovan: Dekar, it’s a f**king table knife on a stick, okay!?

Atoli: HAAAAAAAAASEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

TV Voiceover: “…and the result of what happens when they stop being themselves…”

Kite: Grrrrrrrraaaaaahhhhhhh…

TV Voiceover: “…and start being real.”

Lawliet: Don’t mess with the Sin of Shadows, bitch!!

Arkyron: MAY THE WILL OF MASTER TRI-EDGE BE FULFILLED!!!

Marche: Don’t worry, brother… I won’t let anyone hurt you… I promise… *eye twitches*

Kirby: *extremely high voice* The doctor says this’ll wear off in only a few months!!

Slade: I’M GABI!!! …Oh, wait, wrong line…

BlackEcho: *reading from fanfic* “Tidus gazes deeply into Auron’s eyes and whispers…”

UnKnOwN: DON’T READ THAT!!!!!!

BlackEcho: AHAHAHAHAHA!!! VICTORY IS MINE!!!

TV Voiceover: “.hax//WTF. Premieres this Friday on ALTIMIT TV at 7:00pm. You’ll laugh until you die. …Seriously.”

All: …

Ovan: It’s official. We’re all part of a cheap “Real World” knockoff.

Kite: …Great. Now I feel exploited.

Marche: *puts pillow next to ear* What’s that, brother? …Brother says the camera makes him look fat.

Lawliet: Hey, at least we’re famous now!

BlackEcho: Oh, please! I don’t need help being famous! I’m famous just by existing!

Slade: *gag*

BlackEcho: I heard that! *tackles Slade to the ground* TELL ME I’M PRETTY!!!!!

Slade: Hell no!!!

BlackEcho: SAY IT, DAMN YOU!!!!!

Slade: Over my rotting carcass!!!

BlackEcho: THAT CAN BE ARRANGED!!!!!

Atoli: I think the camera makes me look cute!

Haseo: I think the camera makes you look stupid, Atoli… Then again, you already are…

Dekar: *examines TV* This strange magic box shows events that have already occurred… ‘Tis a window into the past!!! BLACK MAGIC!!!!!

All: Shut the hell up, you emo bastard!!!

Dekar: *takes out stick with table knife glued to it* SCYTHE OF WOTON!!!

Ovan: …UnKnOwN?

UnKnOwN: I’m on it…

*UnKnOwN takes Dekar’s “scythe” away and jabs the table knife into his skull*

Dekar: GAH!!!! I AM WOUNDED!!!! ARKYRON, FETCH MY ELIXIRS!!!! *passes out*

Arkyron: …THIS BE THE WILL OF TRI-EDGE!!!!

Haseo: …I hate this house with every fiber of my being…

[Hayate]

Season X, Episode 2 [takes place in early Season 6]

*in the control room…*

Voice: Hehehehe… This could be my most diabolical plan ever…

*the executives suddenly enter*

Exec 1: You’re crazy! Superman could totally take Godzilla!

Exec 2: YOU’RE crazy!! Godzilla would flatten Superman in a heartbeat!

Exec 1: Sure, with his big ass…

Exec 2: I HEARD THAT!!!!!

Voice: Could you two numb-nuts keep it down!? I’m trying to work over here!

Exec 2: Ah, yes, I almost forgot. So, what’s on the agenda for today, Voice?

Voice: Hehehe… Wouldn’t you like to know?

Exec 1: Yes, we WOULD like to know!

Voice: Well, you’ll have to wait and see!

Exec 2: Oh, come on!!! Tell us!!! I DON’T DO WELL UNDER PRESSURE!!!!! When I’m under pressure, I-- *falls over and has a seizure*

Voice: …Collapse into a spasmic breakdown?

Exec 1: Not again! *sigh* I’ll get the pills and the funnel…

*at the WTF mansion…*

Haseo: I’ll only ask this one more time: WHO HAD THE LAST OF MY GODDAMN COCOA PUFFS?!?!?

Ovan: Maybe you should lie down, Haseo. You’re not well.

Haseo: Maybe YOU should lie down when I beat the crap outta you, Ovan! *draws scythe* Now someone talk before heads start to roll!

Roux Kazuki: Well, it wasn’t me. *chews on a stick of pocky* All I eat is pocky.

Rena: …Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you…

Kite: It wasn’t me… *whispers* I have a lactose problem…

Slade: Oh, cry us a river, Kite.

Haseo: Alright, that’s it!!! *raises scythe* Time to go medieval on all your asses!!!

*suddenly, Marche walks in*

Marche: Mmmm… Hey, are there any Cocoa Puffs left?

All: …

Haseo: *eye twitches* …You had the Cocoa Puffs, Marche?

Marche: Um… Yes?

Haseo: …You all may want to leave… This is about to get ugly…

All: … *zooms out of the kitchen*

Marche: H-Hey, where’s everybody goin’?

Haseo: Oh, Marche…?

Marche: Y-Yes, Haseo?

Haseo: …I’ll give you a two-second head start.

Marche: *gulps, runs away*

Haseo: *battle cry, runs after Marche*

Marche: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! I’M SORRY, I’M SORRY, I’M SORRY!!!!!

*meanwhile, in front of the mansion, Lawliet lights a cigarette*

Lawliet: *sigh* Every morning’s the same thing…

*Haseo and Marche are seen running by him*

Marche: HAVE MERCY!!!

Haseo: STAND STILL SO I CAN CUT YOUR HEAD OFF!!!

Lawliet: …This bores me…

*just then, an object drops out of the sky and falls onto Lawliet’s head*

Lawliet: Ow! What the hell!? *looks down* Hmm? *picks up a small black notebook* …“Death…Note”? What the hell is this thing?

*in the control room…*

Exec 1: Oh, no… Voice, you didn’t…

Voice: Haha! I sure did!

Exec 1: *holds Voice up by his collar* You idiot!!! Do you realize what you’ve started?!?

Voice: Oh, quit your whining! The thing’s not even real!

*in front of the mansion…*

Lawliet: *opens the first page of the notebook* “The human whose name is written in this note shall die”? Pffff! Yeah, right!

: What’s the matter? You don’t believe?

Lawliet: Hmm?

*Lawliet turns around and sees Sephipooh*

Lawliet: HOLY CRAP!!!! *falls over* It-It’s you!!! Y-You can’t be real!!!

Sephipooh: Not real? I’m standing right in front of you, aren’t you?

Lawliet: …

*in the control room…*

Voice: …

Exec 1: Well!?

Voice: …Okay, we may have a bit of a problem…

*in Lawliet’s room…*

Lawliet: …You expect me to believe that I can kill a person just by writing their name down?

Sephipooh: Yup.

Lawliet: Uh-huh. And just what the hell are you on!?

Sephipooh: *smirk* Why don’t you give it a try…?

Lawliet: …

*Lawliet sits on his bed and reads the other rules of the Death Note*

Lawliet: “This note will not take effect unless the writer has the subject’s face in their mind when writing his/her name. Therefore, people sharing the same name will not be affected.” “If the cause of death is written within 40 seconds of writing the subject’s name, it will happen.” “If the cause of death is not specified, the subject will simply die of a heart attack.” “After writing the cause of death, the details of the death should be written in the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds.” …Hmm… Alright, fine, I’ll bite.

*in the living room…*

Dekar: …and that, Roux, is where babies come from.

Roux: *eye twitch* …Dekar, all I asked you is what time it was!

Dekar: Time is pointless! *gets hit in the head with a hammer* …Ow… *falls over*

Roux: …Emo bastard… *deep gasp* W-What the…!? *clenches chest* Can’t…breathe…

*Roux Kazuki falls over and his PC body turns gray; Lawliet watches from the top of the stairs*

Lawliet: Holy crap, this thing actually works!

Sephipooh: So, do you believe now?

Lawliet: Oh, I believe… I believe this is gonna be the best freakin’ day ever!!!

*behind the mansion, Hartz is tied to a tree, wearing a blindfold, while Grey Fox aims an arrow at his head*

Hartz: WHY DO I KEEP LETTING YOU TALK ME INTO THIS?!?

Grey Fox: Shut up and quit squirming!

Hartz: FOX, I SWEAR TO GOD, IF I SURVIVE THIS, I’M GONNA SMEAR YOUR ASS ALL OVER THE PORCELAIN!!!

Grey Fox: I said, shut-- *deep gasp*

*Grey Fox falls over dead and fires the arrow prematurely; the arrow whizzes past Hartz’ head*

Hartz: HA!!! MISSED ME!!! NOW UNTIE ME, YOU SADISTIC BASTARD!!!

Grey Fox: …

Hartz: …Fox? You didn’t leave me here to go inside and have a sandwich again, did you!?

Grey Fox: …

Hartz: …GODDAMMIT!!!

*in the kitchen…*

Arkyron: …and then the guy says, “That’s no Grunty; that’s my wife!” Hahahahaha!

Ciege: …Why do I bother associating with you?

Arkyron: PRAISE TRI-- *deep gasp*

*Arkyron falls over dead while Ciege watches*

Ciege: …Arky?

Kite: *wakes up* Huh? What’d I miss? *looks at Arkyron, then looks at Ciege* DUDE!!!

Ciege: I didn’t do it!

Kite: I’m telling Ovan!

Ciege: Dammit, I didn’t do it!

Kite: I’m telling Ovan, I’m telling Ovan, I’m telling-- *deep gasp*

*right after Arkyron, Kite falls over dead*

Ciege: … *whistles and walks out of kitchen*

*during the following 20 minutes, Lawliet uses the Death Note to kill Destaros, Marche, Slade, Dekar, and Haseo; the remaining housemates all meet in the living room*

Ovan: Okay, we have a bit of a situation. For some reason or another, housemates are dying of heart attacks left and right.

Atoli: *crying loudly* HASEO’S DEAD!!!!!

Zero: *slaps Atoli* Oh, get a hold of yourself, woman!

Ciege: Not to sound like Dekar, but I think we’re in the presence of a vengeful spirit!

Sakubo: (Bo) …Kay… Anyone know what’s REALLY going on?

Endrance: Maybe the Voice is just doing another “purge”. You know, to get rid of the inessentials.

Squall: Maybe… But then why would he get rid of Haseo? He’s the main character.

Kirby: *stands up* Then I’ll be the new main character!

Ovan: … *puts a taser to Kirby’s flesh*

Kirby: GAH!!! Don’t tase me, bro!!!

Ovan: …Anyone else got anything stupid to say?

All: …

Ovan: I didn’t think so. …Hmm? Hey, where’s Lawliet?

Rena: He’s been holed up in his room all day.

Zero: And I bet he’s jacking off to pictures of you, Rena! HAH!!! *is struck by a broadsword* …Ow… *falls over*

Rena: Hmph!

Ovan: …I’ll be right back.

*Ovan goes upstairs, and peers into Lawliet’s room through a small crack in his door*

Ovan: Hmm…

Lawliet: Hehehe… Let’s see, who should I kill next? Ciege? Nah, ‘cuz then I’d have no one to set on fire… Sakubo? Nah, ‘cuz this show needs a schizoid or two… Ovan?

Ovan: !!!

Lawliet: …Nah, I’ll save him for last! Hahaha!

Ovan: …

*the housemates see Ovan walking down the stairs with a slightly scared expression on his face*

Ovan: It seems that Lawliet was gotten a hold of…a Death Note.

All: …

Zero: …That’s it! We’re f**ked! We’re f**king f**ked!

Atoli: *crying loudly*

Kirby: Screw this! I’ll just kill myself and save him the trouble!

*at this point, everyone in the living room is panicking; moments later, the Voice appears*

Voice: SHUT THE HELL UP, BITCHES!!!

All: …

Voice: I have a plan, okay? The first thing we need to do is get Lawliet’s Death Note away from him…

*hours later, after Lawliet’s fallen asleep, the Voice and Ovan sneak into his room*

Voice: *whispering* Aw, look at Lawliet sleeping like a baby… *gags* Makes me sick!

Ovan: *whispering* Shut up and find the Death Note!

Voice: *whispering* You’re not the boss of me!

Ovan: *whispering* JUST FIND IT!!!

Voice: …C.ockbag…

*while looking for the Death Note, Ovan hears Lawliet talking in his sleep*

Lawliet: *snores* …C’mon, Aina, it’ll be fun… *snores* …Forget about Ovan, he’s just a big loser who doesn’t know how to have fun… *snores*

Ovan: …After this is over, I’m gonna kill him for that… Hmm?

*Ovan sees an object jutting out from underneath Lawliet’s pillow; he pulls it out and…*

Ovan: …The Death Note! I found it!

Voice: Good! Now let’s get the hell out of here!

Sephipooh: Leaving so soon?

*Ovan and the Voice turn around and look at Sephipooh*

Voice: …

Ovan: …

Sephipooh: …

Voice: …Take him out.

Ovan: *takes out bayonet* With pleasure.

Sephipooh: …Uh-oh…

*gunshots echo throughout the mansion*

Lawliet: *wakes up* REVENUERS!!!!! …Huh? *notices that the room is empty* …Hmm… *falls back asleep*

*outside Lawliet’s room, Ovan and the Voice are seen holding Sephipooh’s dead body*

Ovan: Whew… That was a close one… *drops Sephipooh’s body* So, what’s the next step of the plan?

Voice: *opens Death Note* Quite simple, really. We write down the name of someone important to Lawliet, and when he finds that person’s name written down in the book, he’ll be so wracked with guilt, he’ll destroy the Death Note.

Ovan: Okay… So, who’s the unlucky bastard we kill?

Voice: …Hehehehe…

Ovan: …I don’t like where this is going…

*the next morning, Lawliet wakes up and takes the Death Note out from underneath his pillow*

Lawliet: Ahhh… Another day, another killing… Mornin’, Sephipooh! *looks around* …Sephipooh? *shrugs shoulders* Pudgy little guy must be out getting apples or something.

*a few minutes later, Lawliet tries to call Aina’s phone, but she doesn’t pick up*

Lawliet: Hmm… That’s weird… Aina always answers her phone when I call… *hangs up phone* Ah, well, I’ll call her later! *opens Death Note* … *gasp*

*Lawliet finds a name underneath Haseo’s name – Aina Calahan*

Lawliet: Aina’s…dead…? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

*in the living room…*

Ovan: …Right on time…

Rena: So, what happens now?

Voice: It’s over. Lawliet will destroy the Death Note, I’ll revive all the people he killed, and all will be well with the-- *deep gasp*

*the Voice falls over dead as the housemates watch*

Endrance: …Whoa. Didn’t see that coming.

Zero: I did. Hehehe-- *deep gasp, falls over dead*

Ciege: HE’S KILLING EVEN FASTER NOW!!! WE’RE DOOMED!!!

Kirby: *groan* I can’t believe I didn’t think of this before… *waddles up the stairs*

Sakubo: (Saku) What are you doing, Kirby!? He’ll kill you before you can-- *deep gasp, falls over dead*

*in Lawliet’s room…*

Lawliet: Make a fool of me, will they!? Kill my girlfriend, will they!? Well, I’m gonna have the last laugh when they’re all DEAD!!!

*just then, Kirby kicks the door open*

Kirby: LUCY, I’M HOME!!!

Lawliet: …That was just lame, Kirby…

*Kirby starts inhaling and sucks in the Death Note*

Kirby: Mmmm… Tastes like ink…

Lawliet: AAAHHH!!!! Give it back, you pink garbage disposal!!!

Kirby: Oh, you’ll get it back… Hehehehe…

Lawliet: …Eww…

*in the living room, Lawliet, Ovan, Atoli, Kirby, Ciege, Endrance, and Squall all meet*

Ovan: …Well? What do you have to say for yourself?

Lawliet: …Sorry?

Ovan: … *aims bayonet at Lawliet*

Lawliet: Oh, c’mon! Can’t you take a joke!?

Ovan: A JOKE?!? My sister’s dead, and the only means for her to be brought back to life is gone because of you!!!

Lawliet: …Oops? Hehehe…

*just then, the Voice reappears before the remaining housemates*

Voice: I’m back, bitches!!!

Atoli: AAAHHH!!!! ZOMBIE!!!! *runs away*

Voice: …You couldn’t have killed her too, L?

Lawliet: Oh, drop it already…

Endrance: I thought the Death Note killed you, Voice.

Voice: I’m omnipotent, bitch! Nothing can kill me! …Except for spicy five-bean jalapeño burritos. Those things are murder.

Squall: …I didn’t need to hear that…

Ovan: *sigh* Okay, Voice, the plan was a success, I suppose. Bring everyone back to life.

Voice: Can do! *crosses arms and nods head* Sha-ZAH!!!

*in an instant, all of the dead housemates appear in the living room, alive*

Haseo: …Where’d I go just now?

Voice: Well, my work here is done! Later, bitches! *disappears*

*everyone glares at Lawliet*

Lawliet: …Uh… Sorry for killing you? Hehehe…

All: … *draws weapons*

Lawliet: …Uh-oh…

*while Lawliet gets beaten up inside the mansion, Hartz is shown still tied to the tree behind the mansion*

Hartz: WOULD SOMEONE GET ME DOWN FROM HERE ALREADY?!?!? I’M HUNGRY AND I NEED TO GO THE BATHROOM!!!!!

*just then, a woodpecker lands on Hartz’ head and starts pecking at his forehead*

Hartz: …I hate my life…

[Hayate]

Season X, Episode 3 (aka “A .hax//WTF Christmas”) [takes place late Season 6]

*in Haseo’s room…*

Haseo: *snores* …Hey, waiter, another round of sake… *snores*

*suddenly, Atoli kicks his bedroom door open*

Atoli: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Haseo: *pops up* AAH!!! ARMAGEDDON!!! *falls out of bed and onto the floor* …What just happened?

Atoli: Merry Christmas, Haseo!

Haseo: Dammit, Atoli, do you always gotta wake me up by giving me a f**king heart attack?!?

Atoli: Hurry up and come downstairs! *runs off*

Haseo: …Note to self: Slip cyanide pill into Atoli’s juice at breakfast…

*minutes later, Haseo walks downstairs to see everyone putting up Christmas decorations*

Haseo: …The hell is going on?

Squall: What’s it look like we’re doing, genius?

Ouka: We’re decorating the house for Christmas!

Haseo: …Why?

Lawliet: Oh, shut up and come help with these ribbons! They’re a bitch to put up! *tries to hang ribbon but it falls off* GODDAMMIT!!!

Destaros: Why don’t you try putting a nail in the wall first, Lawliet?

Lawliet: Why don’t I try putting a nail in your head instead, dipstick!?

Destaros: …C.ockbag…

Lawliet: YOU SAY SOMETHING?!?

Destaros: N-No, nothing!

Dekar: Om… Om… Om…

Haseo: …What’s the emomancer doing?

Zero: Something about conjuring Santa Claus – I didn’t care enough to pay attention.

Dekar: O, KRIS KRINGLE, I CALL THEE FROM THE PLANE OF FANTASY AND SUMMON THEE TO THE WORLD OF REALITY!!!

*seconds later, a hideous creature appears in the living room*

All: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Dekar: Oops… *sends creature away* …Don’t worry! I’ll get this right eventually! Om…

Haseo: Uh-huh… So, where’s the tree?

Endrance: Arkyron is outside getting it right now.

Haseo: …Arkyron?

*meanwhile, outside the house, Arkyron stands in front of a small pine tree*

Arkyron: OKAY, YOU SUMBITCH TREE! IT’S GO TIME! *pulls at tree* GRAAAAAH!!!! *pushes tree* GRAAAAAH!!!! *backs away and rams head into tree* …Ow…

*inside the house…*

Haseo: …I’m not even gonna bother with that one…

*moments later, Slade enters the room with mistletoe on a stick tied to the top of his head*

Slade: Okay! Time to commence Operation: Get Some! *walks up to Ouka* Hey, Ouka…

Ouka: …Don’t even think about it…

Slade: Aw, come on! It’s Christmas!

Ouka: I said no! … *smirk* But I think Rena is in that closet waiting for someone to give her a Christmas kiss!

Slade: SCORE!!! *runs into closet* Hey, baby, give us a kiss! *kisses “Rena”* …Rena, anyone ever tell you you’ve got manly lips?

Marche: …Hehehe, I get that a lot…

Slade: …

Ouka: 3… 2… 1…

Slade: *bursts out of closet* MAN LIPS!!! THEY BURN!!! *spits*

Ouka: Ah… It’s too easy.

Slade: Mouthwash! My kingdom for mouthwash! In fact, screw the mouthwash! Someone get me a f**king fire hose!

*2 hours later, everyone stands in the living room, gazing at the decorations*

Ovan: Ahhh… There’s nothing like Christmas to put a warm feeling in you…

Zero: Yeah… Okay, gay time’s over!

Atoli: *walks in with a tray of glasses* Egg nog, anyone?

All: EGG NOG!!!

Atoli: Uh-oh…

*everyone pounces on Atoli to get a glass of egg nog; Atoli is shown with wrinkled clothes and unruly hair*

Atoli: …You’re welcome…

Sakubo: (Bo) *guzzles down egg nog* Ahhh! The first egg nog of winter! Life is sweet!

Hartz: *guzzles down egg nog* Hoooooo-whee! Atoli’s egg nog rocks!

Squall: …You are such an Atoli-lover…

Hartz: *raises egg nog glass* And damn proud of it!!!

Haseo: *drinks egg nog* …

Atoli: Well, Haseo? Do you like it?

Haseo: Hmm… It’s okay.

Atoli: Hehehe!

Lawliet: Dammit, what’s taking Arky so damn long with the tree!?

Ovan: I think Marche went out to help him.

Lawliet: …Oh, lord almighty…

*outside…*

Arkyron/Marche: ROCK! PAPER! SCISSORS!

Arkyron: HA! Rock beats scissors! Your turn!

Marche: YAAAAAH!!! *rams head into tree* …Ow…

Arkyron: Okay, this isn’t working…

Marche: *stands up, dizzy* What should we do now?

Arkyron: …Get the catapult…

*inside…*

Rena: Hey, you think the Voice will give us a break from the show for Christmas?

Voice: *appears behind Rena* ARE YOU NUTS?!?

Rena: AAH!!! *falls over* …Is three seconds’ notice too much to ask for!?

Voice: A break from the show! HA! That’s rich!

Sakubo: (Saku) Aw, come on! We’ve been working our asses off for months! The last we can get is a few days off!

Voice: The only person here who’s getting a vacation is ME! From now until New Years’ Day, I’ll be crashing here!

Dekar: …The executives seized control of the control room, didn’t they?

Voice: …Shut up.

Slade: This is f**ked up, Voice! Having to work on Christmas?!? I demand a vacation!!!

Voice: …Man lips…

Slade: … *gags, runs into kitchen*

Voice: Hahaha! It’s good to be the king! Hmm… Ah, this’ll do just fine! *snaps fingers*

*Voice creates a new room next to the living room for him to sleep in; as he walks in, several housemates peek inside*

All: HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP!!!

Lawliet: 50-inch TV!?

Zero: PS3/Nintendo Wii combo-system!?

Rena: Ginger ale water fountain!?

All: WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!?

Voice: What!? If I’m gonna be living here until New Years’, why not live in style?

Hartz: How come you get all this cool stuff, and we don’t?!?

Voice: ‘Cuz I’m the Voice and you’re the bitches! OOH, BURN!!! *snaps fingers*

*a stereo with large loudspeakers appears in the corner of the room and starts blasting Linkin Park music, forcing the housemates to leave the room and close the door*

Voice: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

*in the living room…*

Destaros: Okay, this is some messed-up B.S. right here…!

Haseo: I knew the Voice was evil incarnate, but this is low even for him.

Atoli: We should get back at him!

Endrance: …That may be the only good idea you’ve ever had in your sad life, Atoli…

Ovan: Hmm…Getting back at Voice, huh? I might have an ideal plan…

Squall: …Hold that thought, Ovan…

*outside…*

Arkyron: Okay, Marche, you ready?

*Marche is shown operating a wrecking ball*

Marche: Ready!

Arkyron: Okay! When I say “now”, knock the tree down!

Marche: Got it!

*all of a sudden, several housemates run outside, cut the tree down, and bring it inside – all in under 10 seconds*

Arkyron: H-HEY!!! I was using that tree! Bring it back right now!

Marche: Now!?

Arkyron: What? No, not now!!

Marche: NOW!?

Arkyron: NO, NOT NOW!!!

Marche: OKAY!!! *pulls lever*

*the wrecking ball swings forward towards Arkyron…*

Arkyron: …Oh, lord…

*…slams into him, carries his body into the air…*

Arkyron: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

*…and tosses him over the cliff*

Arkyron: DAAAAAMMIIIIIT, MAAAAARCHE!!!!!

Marche: …Did I get the tree, Arky? …Arky?

*inside…*

Ovan: …Okay, does everyone understand their roles?

Atoli: *salutes* Yup! You can count on us, Ovan!

Ovan: …Atoli, I gave you that role because I CAN’T count on you!

Atoli: Awww…

Ovan: Dekar, your role is perhaps the most important of all.

Dekar: *fingertips glowing* My necromancy shall shine brightly for all to see this night!

All: …You mean “emomancy”… Hehehe…

Dekar: …I despise you all…

*several hours later, the Voice is shown in his mansion bedroom sleeping, his mouth covered in nacho cheese*

Voice: *snores* …Hey, ladies, you wanna come into the jacuzzi with me…? *snores*

*just then, the windows burst open and fierce winds blow inside*

Voice: *pops up* HOLY CRAP!!! …Huh? Oh, it’s just the window… *stands up and closes window*

: Voooooiiiiice… Voooooiiiiice…

Voice: *turns around* Who’s there!? …Hmm… I must’ve had one too many beers…

*as the Voice turns around to go back to bed, he sees a ghost covered in chains and shackles standing behind him*

Ghost: Boo.

Voice: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! *falls over* W-W-W-Who the hell are you?!?

Ghost: Hehehe… Why, Voice, don’t you recognize me?

Voice: …Wait a second… Ovan!? What are you doing in my room!?

Ovan: Ovan? Hah… I used to be.

Voice: *stands up* Hold up… I see what this is! I make you all work on Christmas, so you decide to punk me! Oh, that’s REAL cute! Well, you can’t fool me!!! *snaps fingers*

*nothing happens*

Voice: …Hmm? *snaps fingers* … *snaps fingers over and over* Oh, come on!!!

Ovan: Voice From Above…

Voice: What do you want, bitch?!?

Ovan: This night, you will be visited by three ghosts who will make you see the error of your ways and bring back your Christmas spirit! If you don’t--

Voice: Yeah, yeah, spare me your sob story, figment! And don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out!

Ovan: …You have been warned… *disappears in a swirl of wind*

Voice: *sigh* That’s the last time I have chocolate-chip-and-pickles pizza… *goes to bed and falls asleep*

*one hour later…*

Voice: *snores* … *wakes up* …Bathroom. Let’s see, where’d I put the freakin’ toilet in this hellhole?

*Voice opens his bedroom door and walks into a guild’s @home*

Voice: What the hell? Where am I!?

: Yo!

Voice: Hmm? *turns head and sees another ghost* HOLY CRAP!!! *falls over* Jeez, what is with you ghosts and scaring the hell out of people?!? …Hey, wait! Ouka!?

Ouka: I’m not Ouka! I am the Ghost of Christmas Past!

Voice: …Whatever you say, girl! You make a hot ghost!

Ouka: … *slaps Voice* Try to pay attention, Voice. Do you recognize this @home?

Voice: Hmm… *looks around* …Huh? No way… This is the “Kings of The World” guild! My old guild!

Ouka: Precisely! …And do you remember those two players?

*Ouka turns the Voice’s attention to two members of the guild*

Voice: Luther! McLeod! My old guildmates!

*moments later, the Voice’s old PC runs into the @home and up to Luther and McLeod*

Voice (Past): Hey, guys! I got another idea for a show!

Luther: *groan* Oh, here we go…

Voice: Okay! We stick a Grunty, a Vital Vista, and a Chim-Chim on an island infested with dangerous monsters and see if they can survive! I call it “Danger Island”!!!

McLeod: LAME!!!

Voice (Past): Oh, shut up, you Irish bitch! …Luther, what do you think?

Luther: Yeeeaeaaaaahhhhh… I gotta go with McLeod on this one. Now how’s THIS for a show? We take 10-odd players and put them in a small house! There, they put on a reality show for ALL of The World to watch! We’ll call it…“.hax//WTF”!!!

McLeod: Pure genius, Mr. Luther, sir!

Luther: Of course it’s genius – I thought of it! Hahahaha!

Voice (Past): …

Ouka: You would come to your guildmaster Luther with plenty of show ideas, and one after another, they would get shot down. All that rejection would eventually turn you into the cold, tyrannical show director you are today. Do you understand now, Voice? …Voice?

*Ouka sees the Voice attempting to kick Luther’s ass, but his foot would ghost through him*

Voice: Take this, you sumbitch guildmaster!!! Turn down MY ideas, will you!? No one turns down the “Voice From Above”, beyotch!!! …Huh? You talkin’ to me, hottie ghost?

Ouka: …Never mind… *snaps fingers*

*the Voice and Ouka are warped back to Voice’s bedroom*

Ouka: *turns around* I can see I’m wasting my time here… *disappears in a swirl of wind*

Voice: Huh? Hey, wait!!! Lemme look at you a little longer!!! …Damn…

*two hours later…*

Voice: *snores* … *sniffs* Hmm? Hey, what smells good?

*the Voice wakes up and sees he was in a room filled with food*

Voice: WHOA-HO-HO-HO!!! JACKPOT, BITCH!!! *jumps up and starts eating* Oh, sweet Jesus, this is good!

: TASTES GOOD, DOESN’T IT?

Voice: Damn straight!!! …Huh? Who said that?

*the Voice turns around and sees a giant ghost of Hartz sitting behind him; the ghost was draped in green and was wearing a wreath as a hat*

Voice: …GIIIIIAAAAANT!!!!! *hides under table* It’s just a dream, it’s just a dream, it’s just a dream…

*Hartz grabs the Voice’s leg and lifts him into the air upside down*

Hartz: OH, THIS IS NO DREAM, VOICE!!! I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT!

Voice: Oh, crap, you’re gonna eat me, aren’t you?!?

Hartz: PFFFF! PLEASE, I DON’T EAT THINGS ARE THAT SPOILED ROTTEN!

Voice: Hey!

Hartz: YOUR SELFISHNESS HAS GONE ON FOR TOO LONG, VOICE! IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO SEE THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR SELF-SERVING ACTIONS! *snaps fingers*

*Hartz and the Voice find themselves outside the WTF mansion; Hartz drops the Voice into the snow below*

Voice: Oof! *stands up and spits out snow* A little warning would’ve been appreciated!

Hartz: LOOK INSIDE THE HOUSE.

Voice: Hmph. Bossy son of a… *looks inside house through window*

*several housemates are seen in the living room, depressed*

Sakubo: (Bo) *sigh* Merry Christmas…

Zero: …Uh-huh…

Rena: …Whatever…

Squall: …

Hartz: BECAUSE YOU HAD EVERYONE WORK ON CHRISTMAS, THEY’RE TOO DEPRESSED TO TAKE THEIR JOBS SERIOUSLY.

Voice: Oh, yeah!? Well, I’ll go in there and give those bitches something to be depressed about!

*just then, Hartz picks up the Voice by his collar*

Voice: H-Hey, put me down, you c.ockbag!

Hartz: THERE’S MORE FOR YOU TO SEE. *snaps fingers*

*Hartz and the Voice now find themselves floating above Mac Anu*

Hartz: EVER HEAR OF THE RIPPLE EFFECT? YOU KEEP YOUR SO-CALLED “BITCHES” WORKING ON CHRISTMAS, SO THEY’RE UNABLE TO SEE THEIR LOVED ONES.

*Shino is shown standing on the bridge, gazing into the water*

Shino: *sigh* …What’s taking Haseo so long…?

*Ritz and Montblanc are shown standing outside the Mac Anu dome; Ritz taps her foot on the floor continually, her arms crossed*

Ritz: …

Montblanc: …Do you think Marche remembered to meet us here?

Ritz: …

Montblanc: … *kupo…*

Voice: …That’s so sad…

Hartz: AH, SO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW?

Voice: No, I mean, it’s pathetic. These peoples’ lives are so uneventful that they have the time to wait around for people to show up? It’s even depressing ME!

Hartz: *sigh* UNBELIEVABLE… *snaps fingers*

*the Voice finds himself in his bed again and hears Hartz’ voice*

Hartz: TO THINK THAT I THOUGHT I’D GET THROUGH TO YOU… MAYBE THE FINAL SPIRIT WILL HAVE BETTER LUCK…

Voice: *groan* Great, more figments of my imagination… *sarcastically* Can’t wait…

*three hours later…*

Voice: *snoring*

: Voice…

Voice: *snoring*

: …Voice!

Voice: *snoring*

: …WAKE UP, DUMBASS!!!

Voice: …Huh?

*the Voice sees a ghost in a cloak holding a scythe standing before him*

Voice: …OH, NO, IT’S YOU!!! Is it my time already?!? I knew I shouldn’t have had those spicy five-bean jalapeño burritos!!! God knows I love them, but they don’t love me!!!

: Oh, shut the hell up, you idiot! You’re not dead! Though the world would be much better off if you were…

Voice: Oh, hardy-har-har! So, who the hell are you supposed to be?

*the ghost removes his hood to reveal his face*

Voice: Haseo!?

Haseo: I’m the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. I’m here to show you what your future will hold if you persist your reign of egotistical terror. *raises scythe*

Voice: Oh, crap!!!

*Haseo swings his scythe downward right next to the Voice, opening a dimensional vortex that sucks the Voice inside*

Voice: AAAAHHHH!!!!

*moments later, the Voice falls into a snowy field; Haseo shortly joins him*

Haseo: Welcome, Voice, to D Insane Pathetic Liveshow. The year is 2022, five years after the series finale of .hax//WTF.

Voice: Damn… This place is a dump!

Haseo: Let me show you something.

*Haseo and the Voice walk through the field, until…*

: *sneeze*

Haseo: *sweatdrop* (Oh, no…)

Voice: Huh? Where’d that come from?

Haseo: Nowhere. Keep walking.

*as Haseo and the Voice continue walking, Atoli is seen nearby disguised as a tree*

Atoli: (Why do I have to be a tree!? I’d make a great ghost!)

*Haseo leads the Voice to a grave where several players had gathered*

Voice: The hell is this?

Lawliet: *spits on grave* Try bossin’ us around NOW, bitch!

Endrance: *kicks snow on grave* C.ockbag!!

Destaros: *kicks tombstone*Bastard!!!

Voice: I sure feel sorry for whatever pansy’s buried there! Hahaha!

Marche: …I’m hungry.

Lawliet: Yeah, me too. *spits on grave again* Let’s get some pizza.

Slade: With extra cheese!

*as Lawliet and the group leaves, Haseo and the Voice approach the grave*

Haseo: Whoever’s buried here is pretty hated, huh?

Voice: Yeah, no joke!

Haseo: *conjures Vak Don fire in left hand and holds it in front of grave* …Take a look…

*the Voice looks at the tombstone; in the light, it reads “HERE LIES THE VOICE FROM ABOVE”*

Voice: *gasp, backs away* Oh, no f**king way!!!

Haseo: Quite a sight, isn’t it?

Voice: No… No, this can’t be right!!! I’m the Voice!!! I’m supposed to be loved!!! I’m supposed to be respected!!! *grabs Haseo’s cloak* Spirit!!! Tell me these events can yet be changed!!! I’ll change!!! I’LL CHANGE!!!!!

Haseo: …Boy, you’d best be getting out of my grill if you know what’s good for you… *snaps fingers*

*the Voice falls back into his bed, flailing his arms and legs*

Voice: No! I’ll change! I swear! …Huh? I’m back! I’m alive! *opens window and looks at the rising sun* It’s Christmas morning! The spirits have given me another chance! *looks at stereo playing Linkin Park music* …Hey, wait a minute! I HATE LINKIN PARK!!!!

*in Haseo’s room…*

Haseo: *snores* …Yeah, dance for me, Shino… *snores*

: EVERYONE WAKE UP!!!!

Haseo: *pops up* BREADSTICKS!!! *falls out of bed and onto the floor* …Oh, what now!?

*the housemates all walk down the stairs and into the living room; Voice, dressed up like Santa Claus, is shown holding a bag of presents*

Voice: MERRY CHRISTMAS, ONE AND ALL!!!

All: …

Zero: …Well, I’m going back to bed…

Voice: Uh-uh-uh! No one leaves until they get their Christmas presents!

Atoli/Rena: PRESENTS!!!

Voice: And I have even more good news: I’m giving you all a well-deserved vacation!!!

All: VACATION!!!

*Arkyron is seen walking in with bruises and torn clothes*

Arkyron: Where is he?!? Where is that blond-haired retard?!?

Voice: Hey, Arky, think fast!

Arkyron: Huh? *is hit in the head with a wrapped box and falls over* …Ow…

Voice: Here you go, Lawliet! *hands present to Lawliet*

Lawliet: *takes present* …Dude, what the hell are you on?

Voice: Well… Let’s just say that I’m born again!

Ovan: (Hehehe… Looks like my plan worked perfectly…)

*everyone gathers in the living room to open their presents from the Voice*

Ouka: *opens present* …WHOA!!! “Ultimate Thanatos”!!! This is the one of the rarest Crimson VS cards EVER!!!

Slade: *opens present* ENDRANCE PUNCHING BAG!!! KICKASS!!!

Hartz: *opens present* …A see-through blindfold? What the hell?

Squall: *opens present* …

Ovan: *opens present* …

Both: A new bayonet? … *looks at each other* …Trade ya.

Dekar: *opens present* A new necromancy book!? HUZZAH!

Marche: *opens present* A helmet! I needed one of these! *puts helmet on* Ha-ha! Now I’m invincible!

Atoli: *opens present, gasp* HASEO PLUSH DOLL!!! *glomps doll* EEEEEE!!! …What’d you get, Haseo?

Haseo: *opens present* …Atoli plush doll?

Voice: That’s not Atoli, Haseo – that’s Bubbles! Merry Christmas!

Haseo: … *throws doll against wall* Someone kill me now…

Arkyron: *opens present, gasp* TRI-EDGE MASK!!! *puts mask on* PRAISE TRI-EDGE!!! *is hit in the head with a brick and falls over* …Ow…

Rena: Nice throw, Zero!

Zero: Ha! Nothin’ to it!

Arkyron: *on the floor, dizzy* …Tri-Edge bless us everyone…

MERRY CHRISTMAS, C.OCKBAGS!!!