.hax//WTF Season 5

[Hayate]

*in Mac Anu Dome…*

Rena: So! You guys ready to go?

Roux: Yup! Let’s do it!

Zero: …Wait. I think we’re missing someone…

*Squall logs in*

Squall: …Sorry I’m late…

Zero: It’s about time, Squall. What kept you?

Squall: …Angelo…

Rena: Oh, yeah. Your pet dog, right? You normally walk him around this time.

Squall: …Where’re we going…?

Roux: Yeah! Where’re we goin’ today?

Zero: I found this topic on the BBS about a powerful weapon in this one area. Let’s try there!

Rena: Okay!

*the four friends walk up to the Chaos Gate and enter the keywords “Insane Pathetic Liveshow” and are warped to the site of .hax//WTF*

Roux: …Huh? What the hell is this place?

Rena: I’ve never seen an area like it before. *walks up to the cliff and looks down* Wow… That’s a long way down… I think it’s a special-event area.

Zero: Yeah… “Special”… Just look!! It’s a f**king mansion in the middle of nowhere!! I bet that BBS topic was bogus!!

Squall: …Weird…

*the group goes up to the front door*

Roux: You think anybody lives here?

Zero: It’s a game!! Who would live in a game!?

Squall: …NPCs…?

Rena: He’s got a point…

Zero: Oh, get off my back, Rena!!!

Roux: ARE WE GONNA GO IN OR NOT!?!?

Rena: *sigh*

*Squall knocks on the door*

Everyone: …

Squall: …No answer…

Zero: Oh, screw this!

*Zero turns the doorknob and watches the door creak open*

Rena: …Anybody home?

Squall: …Look out!!

*Squall shoves his friends out of Arkyron’s way, who suddenly dashes outside with pots and pans flying at him*

Arkyron: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!! I’m sorry!!! I’m sorry!!!!

Roux: What the hell?!?

*suddenly, a black Adept Rogue runs onto the front porch holding a rolling pin*

Haseo: AND IF YOU TAKE MY COCOA PUFFS AGAIN, I’M BREAKING YOUR F**KING NECK!!!!!

Roux/Rena/Zero/Squall: …

Haseo: Huh?

*Haseo notices the four standing to his left*

Haseo: …WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!?!? YOU AIN’T EVER SEEN A PISSED-OFF ADEPT ROGUE BEFORE!?!?!?

Roux/Rena/Zero/Squall: Eeeep!

Season 5, Episode 1

Atoli: YAY!!!! NEW FRIENDS!!!!

Lawliet: *sarcastically* Yeah… New housemates… Whoop-de-freakin’-do…

Ovan: Ignore him. Nice to meet you. I’m Ovan.

Rena: Uh… H-Hi. I’m Rena.

Zero: Zero.

Squall: …Squall…

Roux: Roux Kazuki. But you can call me Roux.

Ovan: I’d like to introduce you to everyone, but doing so would probably drive you to brink of insanity. But you’ll meet everyone eventually as time goes by.

*Marche suddenly falls through a hole in the ceiling and crashes on the floor next to the four friends*

Roux/Rena/Zero/Squall: …

Ovan: …That’s Marche…

Marche: Hi! Wanna play Pictionary!?

Rena: …How’d you survive that fall?

Marche: …What fall?

Roux: …

Ovan: …I’d stay away from him if I were you…

*later…*

Rena: So… What do you do for fun around here?

Arkyron: …Praise Tri-Edge…

Rena: Okay… Do you have any hobbies?

Arkyron: …I praise Tri-Edge…

Rena: Uh-huh… Do you do anything besides praising Tri-Edge?

Arkyron: …No…

Rena: I see…

Arkyron: …

Rena: …Nice chat. *walks away slowly*

*meanwhile, on the roof of the house…*

Zero: …What exactly are we doing again?

Grey Fox: Don’t worry! It’ll be fun!

Zero: Okay, but… Why the f**k am I wearing a blindfold!?

Grey Fox: Just trust us, okay? *whispering to Hartz* Aim for his forehead…

Hartz: Shut up, he’ll hear you!

*Hartz aims an arrow at the apple on Zero’s head*

Hartz: Okay…

*suddenly, Dekar screams*

Dekar: SUUUUUUUUCCEEEEEEEEESS!!!!

*Hartz fires his arrow prematurely*

Hartz: What the hell was that!?

Zero: GAH!!!! You hit my forehead, you son of a bitch!!!

Grey Fox: YES!!! The system works!!!!

*meanwhile…*

Roux: Dekar… What the hell is that?

Dekar: I’ve successfully reincarnated Emma Wielant into Slade’s body!

*Slade stands still, his eyes completely white, and starts speaking backwards rapidly*

Dekar: …

Roux: …

Dekar: …NOOOOO!!!! I’VE FAILED!!!!! I’M A FAILURE AS A NECROMANCER!!!!

*Roux walks up to Slade*

Slade: *speaking backwards rapidly*

Roux: … *slaps the backside of Slade’s head*

Slade: OWW! …Huh? What just happened!?

Roux: … *points to Dekar* He did it.

Slade: DEEEEEEEKAAAAAAAAR!!!!! *draws blade*

Dekar: …Uh-oh…

*later…*

Squall: …

Sakubo: (Bo) This guy’s hasn’t said anything for two hours!

Lawliet: Maybe he’s emo…

Kite: WOULD YOU STOP SAYING THAT!?!?

Ciege: Hmm… I have an idea…

*Ciege walks up to Squall and stares at him*

Squall: …

Ciege: …

Squall: …

Ciege: …

Squall: …

Ciege: …

Squall: …

Ciege: …DAMMIT!!!!

*Kite suddenly grabs Squall’s collar and shakes him furiously*

Kite: SAY SOMETHING, DAMN YOU!!!!!

Squall: …Take your hands off me before I remove them…

Kite: Eeeep!

*suddenly, Kirby waddles in with his mouth full*

Sakubo: (Saku) What the hell?

*then, Endrance comes running in*

Endrance: There you are, you bitch!!!

Kirby: *muffled* AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

*Kirby suddenly takes Mia out of his mouth and places him in Squall’s hands*

Squall: … *eye twitch*

Kirby: Keep her!!! It’s not worth it!!!

Endrance: GET BACK HERE!!!!

Kirby: Eeeep!!

*Endrance chases Kirby out of the room, leaving a saliva-soaked Mia in Squall’s hands*

Mia: *disgusted meow*

Squall: …I hate this house…

*later on, outside the house…*

Rena: It’s official… This house is a living hell…

Zero: I got impaled by a f**king arrow!!

Roux: I bore witness to a fake necromancy!!

Squall: …Destaros braided my hair…

Rena: I say we find whoever’s in charge and complain!!!

Voice: You rang?

*Voice suddenly appears before the group*

Roux/Rena/Zero/Squall: AAAHHH!!!

Rena: You nearly scared us to death, you bastard!!!

Voice: “Nearly”? Damn… I must be losing my touch… Hehehe…

Roux: Are you in charge here!?

Voice: Why, yes. I’m the Voice. It’s a pleasure.

Zero: No, it’s not!!! This place is filled with nothing but mindless idiots, emos, and drug addicts!!

Voice: Yup! That’s what makes WTF so great!

Squall: …WTF?

Voice: You’ve never heard of it?

Rena: Nope…

Voice: Well… Isn’t that something?

Roux: Whatever, man! Just forget it! Let’s get out of here!

*Roux attempts to take the Chaos Gate to Mac Anu, but as expected, he ends up falling into the grass below from 50 feet in the air*

Roux: …Ow…

Zero: Huh? What happened?

Roux: What’s it look like to you!? I fell and got a faceful of dirt!!!

Squall: …What’s going on here?

Voice: I’ll be straightforward. Starting today…you four are all my bitches!!!

Roux/Rena/Zero/Squall: …WHAT!?!?!?

Voice: Have a nice life!! *vanishes*

Roux/Rena/Zero/Squall: …

*suddenly, Destaros runs out on the front porch*

Destaros: Come back!! I still have to do your extensions!!!

Squall: …Oh, god…

[Hayate]

*in the control room, Voice types on a keyboard*

Voice: …

*the executives suddenly enter*

Exec 1: Voice! There’s a problem!

Exec 2: The house has become too crowded! And everyone knows that the fewer people a reality show has, the funnier it is! If this keeps up…!

Voice: …

Exec 1: …Voice?

Exec 2: Are you listening to us? …I REQUIRE ATTENTION!!!!

Exec 1: *hands exec 2 a paddleball* Greg, why don’t you play with for a while…?

*executive 2 attempts to play paddleball, but the ball hits him in the face over and over*

Exec 2: OW!!! Dammit… OW!!! Dammit… OW!!!

Exec 1: VOICE!!! Listen to me when I’m talking to you!!

Voice: …

Exec 1: What are you working on anyway?

*executive 1 peers over Voice’s shoulder and reads the computer screen*

Exec 1: …“Poké-War”? What the hell’s that?

Voice: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! *covers the screen* WHAT DO YOU WANT!?!? HOW’D YOU GET IN HERE?!?!?

Exec 1: Uh… We’re the executives… We can come in if we want…

Exec 2: Yeah, you’re not the boss of-- OW!! My eye!

Voice: *sigh* (I really need to extend my circle of friends…)

*all of a sudden, a ghostly wail pierces everyone’s ears*

Voice: AAAAAHHHHH!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!

Execs: IT’S NOT US!!!!

*eventually, the wailing stops*

Voice: Ohhh… What the hell was that?

Season 5, Episode 2

*Atoli sleeps soundly in her room*

Atoli: *mumbling* …Haseo…

*suddenly, she’s awakened by a ghostly laugh*

Atoli: Ohhh… Huh? …*gasp*

: …Boo.

Atoli: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Atoli’s scream awakens everyone in the house; Haseo bursts into Atoli’s room with his Abyss Blades*

Haseo: *battle cry* …Huh? I thought there was a shrieking monster in here…

Atoli: HASEO!!!!! *glomps Haseo*

Haseo: Goddammit, Atoli!!! Let go!!

*they’re shortly joined by everyone else*

Everyone: Huh? Oooooh… Hehehehe…

Haseo: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!!!

Atoli: I SAW A GHOST!!!

Everyone: …

Lawliet: …A what?

Atoli: A ghost!! G-H-S-E-Q!!! Ghost!!!

Everyone: …

Ciege: Well… Goodnight…

Hartz: Hold on, you guys. If Atoli says she saw a ghost, shouldn’t we believe her?

Squall: …Why?

Endrance: Yeah! What he said!

Ovan: Besides, how can ghosts exist in a game?

Hartz: *sarcastically* Gee, I dunno, Ovan… How can the Key of the Twilight still exist in the second revision of The World?

Ovan: …Touché…

Dekar: Hartz, I do a scan of the house with my necromancy every night. I would’ve picked up some sort of ectoplasmic signature if there was a ghost.

Hartz: Well… What if the ghost came in after you did your whole…necro-thingy?

Dekar: …Goodnight…

Hartz: Okay, fine!! You all go to sleep!! I’m gonna help Atoli!!

Slade: Great… Now we have two Atoli-lovers…

Haseo: I’M NOT--!!! …Oh, why do I bother? I’m going to bed…

*all of a sudden, there’s an evil ghostly laugh*

Everyone: …

: Well, well, well! Aren’t you just the cutest little group! I can’t wait to send you all on a one-way trip to hell! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Haseo: …Atoli?

Atoli: …Yes?

Haseo: This ghost you saw… What did it look like?

Atoli: Oh. Well, it had green hair, red eyes, and a scary smile…

Haseo: …Oh, really?

Destaros: Haseo…?

Haseo: …If that’s the case… Then we’re all as good as dead…

Everyone: …

Zero: Damn… Just when I thought I’d be able to get a good night’s sleep…

*later on…*

Kite: Arkyron.

Arkyron: …Yeah?

Kite: Why are we wasting our time looking for a stupid ghost?

Arkyron: …‘Cuz Ovan said so…

Kite: Ah… Well, you know what I say? F**K OVAN!!! I wanna go to bed!!! In fact, if this ghost knows what’s good for it, it’ll go away before I introduce it to my blades!!!

: Oh, really? Is that so, Kite? Hehehehe…

Kite/Arkyron: Huh?

*Kite and Arkyron turn around to meet a different ghost*

: Hey there, boys!

Kite: AAAHHH!!! NO!!! NOT YOU AGAIN!!!

*meanwhile…*

Kirby: Yoo-hoo… Here, ghost… Come out, come out, wherever you are…

Rena: Kirby… Would you PLEASE stop saying that!?

Kirby: Do you have any better ideas?!?

Rena: As a matter of fact, I do…

*Rena walks a short distance ahead of Kirby and Marche*

Marche: …Rena?

Rena: *deep breath* …HEY, YOU GHOST PUNKS!!!! COME OUT OF HIDING ALREADY!!!! OR ARE YOU CHICKEN?!?!?

Kirby: 0.o …How was that any different than what I was doing?!?

Rena: Well, for one thing, I wasn’t going around whispering like a baby!

Marche: HAHA!!! She got you there, Kirby!

Kirby: …

*Kirby swallows Marche and absorbs his power*

Kirby: Hey, look! I’m a little blond idiot with short-term memory and a bad attention span!!!

Marche: HAHAHAHA!!!!

Kirby: …You’re not supposed to laugh…

Rena: Would you two focus!? Remember what we’re looking for!!

: …You mean me? Hehehe…

*a third ghost appears before Rena, Kirby, and Marche*

: …Hi…

Marche: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! GHOST!!!!!!!!

Rena: HA!!! In your face, Kirby!!!

Kirby: Oh, shut up, you flat-chested leg shaver!!!

Rena: *eye twitch* WHAT’D YOU CALL ME?!?!?

Kirby: YOU HEARD ME!!! NOT EVEN LAWLIET WOULD FLIRT WITH YOU!!!!

: …Uh…Excuse me? Hello?

*Rena and Kirby are arguing too loudly to hear the ghost*

: …Does this happen a lot?

Marche: No, not really.

: Hmm… I was gonna take the girl with me… But I guess I’ll take you instead!

Marche: Say what now?!?

: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Kirby: Not even Piros the 3rd would sleep with you!!! And he sleeps with everybody!!!

Piros: *off-screen* It’s true!!! Their love makes me hot!!!

Rena: YOU SON OF A-- Hey…! Where’d Marche go?

Kirby: DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!!!!

*later on, everyone meets in the living room…*

Roux: Okay… This house is officially haunted…

Hartz: *sobbing* Atoli was taken by the ghosts!!!! POR QUE?!?!?!?

Grey Fox: Oh, get over it, you Atoli-lover!

Haseo: Okay, let’s see… Atoli, Ovan, Kite, Ciege, Dekar, Arkyron…

Squall: …Haseo…

Haseo: Huh? What?

Squall: …We’re the only ones here…

*looking around, Haseo notices that only 9 housemates were left: Roux Kazuki, Hartz, Grey Fox, Squall, Endrance, Lawliet, Rena, Kirby, and himself*

Haseo: …Oh…

Grey Fox: *sigh* I wonder where those ghosts took the others…

*meanwhile, in the dark chamber somewhere in the house, the other housemates are all tied up suspended upside down from the ceiling*

Zero: Dude… All the blood is rushing to my head…

Marche: THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ‘ROUND AND ‘ROUND!!!

Sakubo: (Bo) Marche!!! Would you please shut the f**k up?!?!?

Ovan: …You still haven’t told us why you’re holding us here…

Ghost Sora: There’s a simple question to that, Ovan… We FELT like it!!!

Ovan: Tch! But you… I must say I expected better out of you… Natsume…

Ghost Natsume: …How do you know who I am?

Ovan: Remember in the first revision of the game, way before you met Kite, there was this one PC who always had to save you when you were in trouble?

Natsume: …R…Ryzen…?

Sora: BOOOORIIIIING!!!!! Hey, Moony, what say we gut these suckers right now?

Ghost Moonstone: …I thought I told you not to call me that…

Marche: 99 PIXI STIX TUBES ON THE WALL, 99 PIXI STIX TUBES…!!!!!

Everyone: SHUT THE F**K UP, MARCHE!!!!

Kite: *sigh* What’d I do to deserve this…?

Natsume: You dumped me, that’s what you did!!

Kite: BUT WE NEVER WENT OUT!!!!!

*meanwhile…*

Endrance: Dammit… If only Dekar were here… He could do his emo-thing and find the ghosts in an instant…

Kirby: …I’m hungry…

Lawliet: Shut up, Kirby!

Kirby: … (The ghosts should’ve taken you…)

Grey Fox: So, what do we do? …Huh?

*everyone stares at Grey Fox*

Grey Fox: …What?

Haseo: Well, you’re the idea guy…

Hartz: WE HAVE TO SAVE MY BELOVED ATOLI!!!!!

Everyone: …

Roux: …I’ll go find a straightjacket…

Squall: …Hey…

Everyone: Huh?

Squall: …Why don’t we check the basement?

Everyone: ………BASEMENT!!!!

*meanwhile (again)…*

Sora: Let’s see… Who should we kill first?

Marche: OH-HI-DEE-DI-DEE-DI-DEE-DI-DEE-DI-DEE-DI-DEE-DI!!!!

Natsume: …Him.

Moonstone: Good call.

: HOLD IT!!!!

Sora: Huh?

*Haseo and the others come in*

Atoli: HASEO!!!

Slade: It’s about damn time!!!!

Haseo: …So…It is you…

Sora: Hehehe… Well, look who it is…

Kite: Haseo, you know Sora?

Haseo: Tch! Why wouldn’t I? Sora was my PC in the first revision of the game…

Everyone: *gasp*

Haseo/Sora: …What? It’s not that big a deal…

Sora: Whatever! Let’s do this already!

Endrance: Uh, dude? You’re a ghost… How are we supposed to fight you?

Natsume: You underestimate us!

*Sora takes control of Kite’s body, Natsume takes over Atoli’s body, and Moonstone takes over Ovan’s body*

Kite (Sora): Hehehehe…

Atoli (Natsume): This is gonna be fun…

Haseo: *draws dual swords* You know it…

Grey Fox: Hartz! We’ll hold off these goons while you free the others! Especially Dekar, ‘cuz he’s gotta do his emo magic to get rid of these ghosts!!

Dekar: How many times do I gotta say “I’m not emo” before you guys get it?!?!?

Hartz: Shut up and hold still! *aims an arrow at Dekar*

Dekar: …Uh-oh…I don’t like where this is going…

Kite (Sora): Well, well… Isn’t this something? How’s it feel to be facing your past self, Terror of Death? You scared?

Haseo: Hehe… You don’t know yourself very well, do you? HYAAAAA!!!!!

*Sora and Haseo clash blades while Roux faces Natsume…*

Roux: Just so you know, I have no problem hitting a girl…

Atoli (Natsume): And I don’t expect you to! VAK DON!!!

*…and Squall faces Moonstone*

Squall: …Die… *fires bayonet*

Ovan (Moonstone): *dodges bullet* Oh, please! You call that a gunshot?! *fires bayonet at Squall*

*Squall nimbly dodges the bullets and continues to shoot at Moonstone; meanwhile…*

Hartz: Okay… Just a few more…

Slade: Oh, god… My head…

Marche: *dizzy* Ashes… Ashes… We all fall down… *passes out*

Zero: Finally! *kicks Marche in the head* That’s for all the stupid songs!!! *kicks Marche again* And that’s for being an idiot!! *kicks Marche again* And that’s for cheating at Pictionary!!

Atoli: Ooh… Dekar, you okay?

Dekar: Atoli… I have a f**king arrow in my eye… DO I LOOK OKAY TO YOU?!?!?

Arkyron: Hurry up and exorcise those ghosts so we can go back to sleep!!!!

Dekar: Alright, alright!! …Damn Hartz and his lousy aim…

Kite (Sora): Why do you care about these idiots so much anyway?!? You’re the Terror of Death!!! You should live to kill!!!

Haseo: There’s more to playing a game than killing!!!

Kite (Sora): HA!!! You forgot what it meant to be a PK!! Let me remind you!!!

*all of a sudden, Sora’s unable to move*

Kite (Sora): Huh? W-What’s going on? I c-can’t move!!!

Haseo: Huh?

Dekar: Got it covered, Haseo!

*Sora’s ghost rises out of Kite’s body*

Sora: NOOOOOO!!!!! THIS ISN’T OVER!!! I’LL BE BAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!! *vanishes*

*Natsume’s and Moonstone’s ghosts vanish too*

Haseo: *sigh* Finally…

Atoli: Ohhh… Huh? What happened?

Hartz: Whew! Man, that took forever! …Hmm?

*Hartz notices Atoli running towards him*

Hartz: A-Atoli! (YES!! Atoli’s finally realized her love for me and now she’s coming to thank me for saving her!!)

Atoli: HASEO!!!!

*Hartz sees Atoli run past him and run up to Haseo*

Atoli: MY HERO!!! *glomps Haseo*

Haseo: AAAHHH!!! NOT AGAIN!!!

Hartz: …

Destaros: …Hartz?

Hartz: …

Destaros: …Guys, Hartz is broken! *is impaled by an arrow* GAH!!!

Hartz: …Note to self: Kill Haseo…

Arkyron: *yawn* Glad that’s over… Now we can go back to sleep!

Ovan: …The sun’s already up…

Everyone: …

Squall: …I blame Cloud…

Everyone: …Who’s Cloud?

Squall: …Never mind…

[Hayate]

*in the control room…*

Voice: …There! It’s ready!

*the execs enter*

Exec 1: Okay, Voice! What do you have for us today?

Exec 2: Blood and guts!! I want blood and guts!! And sex!! Lots and lots of sex!!

Voice: Actually, guys… We’re gonna do things a little differently today…

Exec 2: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Exec 1: This wouldn’t have anything to do with “Poké-War”, would it?

Voice: …Maybe…

Season 5, Episode 3

*Roux walks into the kitchen*

Roux: Mornin’!

Atoli: Hey!

Kite: ‘Sup?

Lawliet: *strumming guitar* Uh-huh…

*Roux opens the cabinet and finds a box of Cocoa Puffs*

Roux: …Cocoa Puffs! Sweet!

: Drop the Cocoa Puffs if you don’t wanna die!!

Roux: Hmm?

*Roux turns to see an extremely pissed Haseo*

Haseo: Drop…the…cereal…

Roux: …And if I don’t?

Ciege: Uh-oh… Nice knowin’ ya, Roux…

Haseo: GRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Roux: AAAAHHHH!!!!

*Haseo mauls Roux and walks away with his cereal*

Roux: *disoriented* …What just happened…?

Lawliet: Never come between Haseo and his Cocoa Puffs…

Roux: …Or else that happens…

Ciege: Nah… Sometimes it’s worse…

Roux: …How much worse…?

*Kite walks up to the other cabinet and opens it*

Kite: How’s it going, Arkyron?

Arkyron: NO!!! STAY AWAY!!! I WANT TO LIVE!!!

Kite: …That much worse…

Roux: *gulps*

Atoli: Hehehehe… Haseo’s just likes to express himself…

Haseo: *in the other room* WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, SQUALL?!?

Atoli: Uh… Hehehehe…

*later, in the living room*

Hartz: …

Grey Fox: …

Kirby: …

Hartz: …I’m bored…

Grey Fox: …Yeah…

Hartz: …Hey, Kirby--?

Kirby: Don’t even think about it, Hartz!

Endrance: *sigh* All of a sudden, I miss the Voice’s crazy events…

Sakubo: (Bo) Speaking of which… I’d say we’re overdue for one.

Voice: You got that right, Bo!

*Voice appears*

Voice: Hello, bitches!

Rena: You know… I take offense to being referred to as a “bitch”…

Voice: Well, live with it, bitch!!!

Rena: …C.ockbag…

Voice: Moving on… I’ve realized that the majority of .hax//WTF has been meant for mature audiences, so I’ve decided to make a special event that appeals to kid audiences!

Ovan: …I don’t know if I like where this is going…

Voice: We’re going to have ourselves…a Pokémon War!!!

Everyone: …

Slade: I’m outta here!!

Zero: Right behind ya!!

Voice: … *snaps fingers*

*metal doors suddenly trap the housemates in the living room*

Marche: …COOL!!!

Everyone: SHUT UP, MARCHE!!!!

Marche: Awww…

Dekar: Okay, Voice!! What the hell is going on!?

Voice: It’s just like I said: Pokémon War.

Squall: …And if we refuse?

Voice: Hehehe… How easily we forget… *remote appears in Voice’s hand* Don’t forget that I hold your lives in the palm of my hand…

Destaros: Uh… Voice?

Voice: TOO LATE FOR BEGGING NOW!!! *presses button*

Everyone: *gasp*

Voice: …

Everyone: …

Voice: …Huh?

Marche: …WE’RE ALIVE!!!

Voice: Hmm… Must’ve put the explosives in the wrong PCs…

*meanwhile, in Mac Anu…*

Boy PC: Hey, would you like to go out sometime?

Girl PC: Mmm… Sure, okay.

*explosive in girl PC’s head explodes and she falls to the ground*

Boy PC: … *backs away slowly, then runs away at full speed* AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

*meanwhile, at Kestrel HQ…*

PKers: ALL HAIL GABI!!! ALL HAIL GABI!!!

Gabi: *walks forward* …I’m Gabi!!! *explosive goes off* GAH!!!!

PKers: …YAY!!! WE’RE FREE!!!

*back at the house…*

Voice: …Well, brain bombs or no brain bombs, you still have the Chaos Gate to deal with! As long as I control that, you’re my bitches!

Everyone: …Dammit…

Voice: I’m glad you see things my way! Now, then… *snaps fingers*

*housemates are warped to the arena*

Voice: Welcome to the Holy Palace, bitches! This shall be the site for the Pokémon War!!

Haseo: Well… This seems strangely familiar…

Atoli: Don’t you remember, Haseo? This was where the last tournament was.

Haseo: …I know, Atoli…I was being sarcastic…

Slade: I suppose we’ll be drawing lots like last time, huh?

Voice: We’ll get to that in a bit, Slade! First, in order to fight in the Poké-War, you’ll need to choose Pokémon to fight alongside.

Lawliet: …This idea’s stupid… Fighting with Pokémon!? How old do you think we are!?

Arkyron: SCYTHER!!!! ME WANT SCYTHER!!!!

Lawliet: …I give up…

Voice: Well, I like your enthusiasm, Arky! Here ya go! *snaps fingers*

*a Pokéball appears in Arkyron’s hand*

Arkyron: SWEETNESS!!!!

Voice: Who’s next?

Haseo: *sigh* I guess it can’t be helped… I choose Duskull.

Atoli: Hmm… Chikorita!

Sakubo: (Saku) Pichu!

Endrance: …Eevee.

Ovan: Abra, if you please.

Kite: I’ll go with Machop.

Ciege: I’ve always been fond of Psychic-types… I choose Ralts!

Dekar: Dratini! Dragon-types rock!

Slade: Hmm… How about Gastly?

Destaros: My favorite is Charmander.

Marche: I choose Porygon!

Hartz: Uh… Mareep.

Grey Fox: Zangoose.

Kirby: Tyrogue!

Squall: …Cyndaquil…

Rena: I guess I’ll go with…Treecko.

Zero: Absol.

Lawliet: …I repeat: How old do you think we are!?

Voice: Oh, come on, Lawliet. Everyone’s enjoyed Pokémon at least once in their life – even you! So CHOOSE A POKÉMON BEFORE I RIP OUT YOUR VOCAL CHORD!!

Lawliet: *sigh* Fine… Vulpix, I guess.

Roux: HA!! You’re all stupid!! I’m gonna go with Groudon!!!

Everyone: …

Voice: …Roux… Pick a first-evolutionary-stage Pokémon… Now!

Roux: Okay, okay!!! I pick Torchic!!!

Voice: *snaps fingers*

*Pokéballs appear in everyone’s hands*

Voice: Terrific! NOW we draw lots!!! *snaps fingers* *a box appears in Voice’s hand* You all know how it works…

*one-by-one, the housemates draw lots*

Voice: Now tell me your number!

Haseo: Five.

Atoli: Eleven.

Sakubo: Fourteen.

Endrance: Eighteen.

Ovan: One.

Kite: Four.

Lawliet: Fifteen.

Ciege: Nineteen.

Dekar: Seven.

Arkyron: Ten.

Slade: Nine.

Destaros: Thirteen.

Marche: Seventeen.

Hartz: Three.

Grey Fox: Twenty.

Kirby: Eight.

Squall: …Six.

Roux: Two.

Rena: Twelve.

Zero: Sixteen.

Voice: Excellent… *snaps fingers*

Voice: Now that the roster’s been set, it’s time for… *snaps fingers*

*crowd appears out of nowhere, cheering*

Voice: …THE POKÉMON WAR!!!

[Hayate]

Episode 4 (Part 1 of 6)

*crowd cheers loudly*

Voice: Welcome back, WTF-fans!!! We kept you on the edge of your seats with our “Clash of the Housemates” event!! Now we expect to do the same as we now bring you… THE POKÉMON WAR!!!!

*crowd cheers loudly*

Voice: AND it’s with great pleasure that I present my assistant announcer…

*a blue-haired girl walks into the announcer’s booth*

Aina: Hello, everyone. It’s a pleasure to be here.

*many boys in the crowd cheer loudly at the sight of Aina; in the waiting room…*

Lawliet: HELLOOOOOOOOOO, BABE!!!!! What a knockout!!!!! *like a wolf* AWOOOOOOO!!!!!

Everyone: …

Ovan: …Settle yourself, Lawliet…That’s my sister you’re howling at…

Lawliet: …

Everyone: …OVAN HAS A SISTER!?!?!?

Voice: Okay!!! Without further ado, let’s get busy!!!! *snaps fingers*

*Ovan and Roux Kazuki appear in the area*

Voice: PARTICIPANTS!!! PRESENT YOUR POKÉMON!!!

Ovan/Roux: Pokéball, go!!!

*Ovan presents his Abra; Roux presents his Torchic*

Roux: I hope you’re ready to lose, blue-hair!!

Ovan: …

Voice: Ready? …Fight!!!

Roux: Let’s go, Torchic! Ember now!

*Torchic fires bullets of fire at Abra*

Ovan: …Teleport…

*Abra teleports a short distance to his left, dodging Ember*

Roux: Ember again!!

Ovan: …Teleport…

*Torchic fires bullets of fire which Abra dodges again*

Roux: Grrr… Quick Attack!

*Torchic charges at Abra at full speed*

Ovan: …Shadow Ball…

*Abra fires a sphere of dark energy at Torchic*

Roux: Dodge it!!

*Torchic runs to the Shadow Ball’s side and continues his Quick Attack*

Ovan: *smirk* …Iron Tail…

*Abra strikes Torchic with his Iron Tail right before Torchic could land his Quick Attack; Torchic is sent flying across the arena and into a wall*

Crowd: Ooh!!

Voice: …That had to hurt…

Roux: Torchic!

*Torchic struggles to stand and gets to his feet*

Roux: C’mon, Torchic! Flamethrower!

*Torchic fires a stream of fire at Abra*

Ovan: …

Abra: …

Voice: What’s this? Ovan hasn’t given Abra an order, and the Flamethrower is about to reach its target!!!

Aina: …Brother…

Roux: Ha!!! Looks like he’s given up!!

Abra: …

Ovan: …Hidden Power…

*spheres of light circle Abra’s body; the spheres shoot forth, blasting through the stream of fire and striking Torchic with full force*

Torchic: …

Roux: Torchic!

Voice: Torchic’s unable to battle!! Abra is the winner!! The victory goes to Ovan!!!

*crowd cheers extra loudly; Abra and Torchic are returned to their Pokéballs*

Roux: …Damn…Thought I’d win for sure…

Ovan: … *smirks* …Too easy…

*Ovan is warped to the waiting room; Roux Kazuki is warped back to the house*

Atoli: Yay, Ovan!!

Marche: Good job, Ovan!!

Ovan: It was nothing…

Lawliet: CAN YOU GET ME A DATE WITH YOUR SISTER?!?

Ovan: …Leave me alone, L…

Lawliet: COME OOOOOOOOON!!!!!!

*in the announcer’s booth…*

Voice: So, what’d you think of that battle, Aina?

Aina: It was very exciting, and I’m even happier that my brother won.

Voice: Cool, cool. Okay then--

*suddenly, there’s a thump*

Voice: The hell?

*Voice and Aina turn around to see Lawliet with his face pressed against the glass*

Lawliet: *distorted* I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

Voice: …

Aina: …

Voice: …Hey, L, look! Azure O is in a recording session!

Lawliet: *draws dual pistols* GRAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! *runs off*

Voice: …Glad that’s over. As I was saying, time to start the second round!! *snaps fingers*

*Hartz and Kite appear in the arena*

Voice: PRESENT YOUR POKÉMON!!!

Hartz/Kite: Pokéball, go!!!

*Hartz presents his Mareep; Kite presents his Machop*

Hartz: Don’t worry, Kite! I’ll be sure to go easy on you!

Kite: Yeah, yeah, keep talking, Atoli-lover!! When I’m through with you, Atoli won’t even want to LOOK at you!!!

Voice: Ready? …Fight!!!

Hartz: Go, Mareep! Use Thundershock!

*Mareep sends a tiny bolt of lightning towards Machop*

Kite: Wait…

*the bolt of lightning draws closer to Machop…*

Kite: …Wait…

*…and closer…*

Kite: …CROSS CHOP!!!

*Machop uses his sharp backhand to cut the lightning bolt in half; the two halves go off in different directions, striking the arena wall*

Kite: Yes!

*crowd cheers*

Voice: Well, well! A clever move on Kite’s part – using Machop’s Cross Chop to deflect Mareep’s Thundershock attack! True ingenuity!

Hartz: Tch! Not bad…!

Kite: Thanks! *draws dual swords* …Now it’s my turn!

Hartz: Huh? W-What are you doing?

Kite: Let’s do it, Machop!

*Kite and Machop dash at Mareep*

Kite: Ready? And… Seismic Toss!!

*Machop hurls Mareep into the air; Kite leaps up and strikes Mareep with a three-stage slash attack*

Hartz: Mareep!! …What the hell, Voice!? Pokémon battles are supposed to be between Pokémon and Pokémon only!!

Voice: True… But I never said this was a Pokémon battle!! This is a war!! And in a war, anything goes!!

Hartz: Tch!! *draws bow and arrow* In that case… Mareep! Hit my arrow with a Thundershock!

*Mareep does so and lightning courses through Hartz’ arrow*

Hartz: Take this!!

*Hartz fires the arrow at Machop, electrocuting it*

Kite: Oh, no! Machop!

*Machop falls to the ground and struggles to get back up*

Voice: Uh-oh! Looks like Machop is paralyzed! This may set Kite back a bit!

Aina: How thrilling…

*suddenly, Machop’s body starts to glow bright blue*

Kite: Huh? …Oh. *smirk* Now I see.

Hartz: What the? What’s going on?

Kite: It’s Machop’s Guts ability. When he’d poisoned, paralyzed, or anything like that, his attack is doubled!

Hartz: Say what?!?

Kite: Do it, Machop!! Dynamic Punch!!!

*Machop dashes at Mareep with a glowing fist*

Hartz: LIGHT SCREEN!!!

*Mareep projects a protective barrier that shields it from Machop’s Dynamic Punch*

Kite: Grrrr…

Hartz: Now… THUNDER!!!

*Mareep strikes Machop with a powerful bolt of lightning; Machop falls over, losing consciousness*

Kite: Machop, no!!!

Voice: Machop’s unable to battle!! Mareep is the winner!! The victory goes to Hartz!!!

*crowd cheers loudly for Hartz*

Aina: My, what an exhilarating battle that was!

*Hartz is warped to the waiting room; Kite is warped back to the house*

Kite: … *eye twitch*

Roux: …Hey.

Kite: SHUT THE F**K UP!!!

Roux: Eeeep!

*in the waiting room…*

Hartz: ATOLI!!! ATOLI!!! Were you watching!? I was bad-ass, wasn’t I!?

Atoli: Yeah, Hartz!! You were really cool out there!!

Hartz: Hehehe…

Everyone: …Atoli-lover…

*in the announcer’s booth…*

Voice: Two battles, two heart-thumping victories!! Looks like the Pokémon War is certainly pumping, isn’t it, Aina?

Aina: Yeah! I can’t wait until the next--

*suddenly, another thump*

Voice: What the f**k?

*Voice and Aina turn around to see Lawliet*

Lawliet: *distorted* AZURE O WASN’T OVER THERE!!!

Voice: Dammit, L, would you go away!?!?

*Haseo and Squall appear in the arena*

Haseo: Looks like we’re next, huh!?

Squall: …Yup…

Haseo: …Oooookay.

Voice: PRESENT YOUR POKÉMON!!!

Haseo/Squall: Pokéball, go!!!

*Haseo presents his Duskull; Squall presents his Cyndaquil; in the waiting room…*

Atoli: *dressed like a cheerleader* HASEO! HASEO! RAH-RAH-RAH!!!

Slade: …I hate it when she changes into that…

Hartz: *sigh* I don’t…

Slade: Dammit, Hartz! You take “Atoli-lover” to a whole other level!

Voice: Ready? …Fight!!!

Haseo: Duskull! Let’s kick things off with Night Shade!

*Duskull emits an aura of dark energy towards Cyndaquil*

Squall: …Dodge, then use Tackle…

*Cyndaquil dodges the Night Shade and dashes towards Duskull*

Haseo: Heh!

*Cyndaquil’s Tackle goes straight through Duskull*

Squall: Huh?

Haseo: C’mon, Squall! It’s Pokémon 101! Normal attacks don’t affect Ghost-types!

Squall: …Oh, yeah…I forgot…

Haseo: Well, you’re gonna wish you remembered!! Duskull, Confuse Ray!!

*Duskull hits Cyndaquil with Confuse Ray, disorienting him*

Squall: …Cyndaquil!

Haseo: This is too easy! Finish up with Pursuit, Duskull!

*Duskull surges his body with dark energy and charges at Cyndaquil*

Voice: This could be it!!!

*suddenly, Duskull is struck by an ice-covered bullet*

Haseo: What the hell!?

*Haseo looks over at Squall, who’s holding his bayonet*

Squall: …It’s not over yet…

Haseo: Grrrr…

*crowd cheers loudly*

Aina: WOW!!!

Voice: Isn’t this something, folks!? Squall just saved his Pokémon with an ice-based gunshot! Now that’s loyalty!

Squall: …No, it’s not…I just don’t want to lose…

Haseo: You son of a… Duskull!

*Duskull floats over to Haseo’s side; Haseo draws his scythe*

Haseo: Duskull, Will-o-Wisp!!!

*Duskull coats Haseo’s scythe in a ghostly flame; Haseo charges at Squall with his fiery scythe*

Haseo: TAKE THIS!!!!

*Squall defends himself with his bayonet*

Squall: …Cyndaquil, Smokescreen!

*Cyndaquil snaps out of his confusion and blankets the arena with a thick layer of smoke*

Voice: Aw, come on!!! I can’t see anything!!!

*crowd begins to grumble in frustration*

Aina: …Hey.

Voice: Hmm?

Aina: …Do you hear that?

Voice: Huh? Hear what?

*from inside the arena, the sounds of weapons clashing and streaming fire can be heard*

Voice: Sounds like things are still heating up from inside the smokescreen!

*the smoke gradually dissipates; Haseo and Squall are seen standing, but they can’t see their Pokémon*

Haseo: Duskull, where are you?

Squall: Cyndaquil! Cyndaquil!

*the smoke completely dissipates*

Haseo/Squall: *gasp*

*Duskull still floated in midair, while Cyndaquil was unconscious*

Squall: …Cyndaquil…

Voice: Cyndaquil’s unable to battle!! Duskull is the winner!! The victory goes to Haseo!!!

Haseo: Yes!

*crowd cheers loudly; in the waiting room…*

Atoli: YAY!!! HASEO!!!

Kirby: Whoo! I’m next!!! I am totally gonna kick ass!!

*Haseo is warped to the waiting room; Squall is warped back to the house*

Squall: …

Kite/Roux: …Hey.

Squall: …Shut up.

*in the waiting room, Atoli glomps Haseo*

Atoli: YAY!!! Haseo, you won!!! You won!!!

Haseo: Restraining order!!! RESTRAINING ORDER!!!!!

*in the announcer’s booth…*

Voice: Well, things are really burning up now, folks!! Let’s keep it rolling!! Onto Round 4!!!

*Dekar and Kirby appear in the arena and immediately summon their Pokémon: Dratini and Tyrogue*

Dekar: Let’s do it, Dratini!

Kirby: Prepare to lose, EMO-mancer!!

Voice: Heh! These two sure don’t waste any time! Ready? …Fight!!!

Dekar: Dratini, use Agility!!

*Dratini uses its blinding speed to dash at Tyrogue*

Kirby: I don’t think so!! Earthquake, Tyrogue!!!

*Tyrogue slams his fists on the arena floor, causing giant pieces of rock to stick up out of the ground, throwing Dratini off of its Agility*

Dekar: Tch! …Dratini, use Outrage to break the rocks!

*Dratini flies through the rocks to encounter Tyrogue, but Tyrogue was gone*

Dekar: Huh? Where did he--?

Kirby: MACH PUNCH!!!

*Tyrogue emerges from underground, connecting his fist with Dratini; Dratini is sent flying upwards*

Kirby: Okay! Tyrogue, throw me up to Dratini with Seismic Toss!

*Tyrogue picks Kirby’s body up at Dratini; Kirby opens his mouth, intending to swallow Dratini*

Dekar: Uh-oh! Quick, Dratini, Thunder Wave!!

*Dratini sends a field of electricity at Kirby, paralyzing him*

Kirby: Gah!!!

*Tyrogue catches Kirby’s body right before it hits the ground*

Kirby: Damn…

Dekar: Had enough!?

Kirby: Tch! You wish! Tyrogue, attack Dekar with Tackle!

*Tyrogue dashes at Dekar*

Dekar: Oh, please! *draws Scythe of Woton* Come and get it!!

Kirby: Hehe… Double Team!!!

*Tyrogue surrounds Dekar with illusions of himself*

Dekar: Dammit!! …Dratini, Dragon Rage!

*Dratini sends several tornados at the Tyrogue illusions, damaging the real one*

Kirby: Oh, no! Tyrogue!

*Tyrogue struggles to stand up; Dekar approaches Tyrogue*

Dekar: Time to finish this! *raises scythe*

Kirby: Tyrogue, no!!!

*suddenly, spheres of light circle Tyrogue’s body; the spheres shoot forth, scorching Dekar to a crisp*

Dekar: …Ow… *falls over*

Aina: Amazing! Tyrogue’s Hidden Power!!

Voice: Dekar is unable to battle!! Dratini has no trainer to give it orders!! Tyrogue is the winner!! The victory goes to Kirby!!!

Kirby: WHOO-HOO!!!

*crowd cheers loudly for Kirby*

Aina: This has been a great tournament so far! How could it get any better than this?

*Lawliet suddenly appears in the announcer’s booth*

Lawliet: Hi!

Voice/Aina: AAHHH!!

Voice: LAWLIET!!! How’d you get in here?!?

Lawliet: …I dug my way in…

Voice: *eye twitch* *snaps fingers*

*Lawliet disappears from the announcer’s booth and reappears in the waiting room*

Lawliet: …DAMMIT!!!! I was SO close!!!!

Voice: *snaps fingers*

*the floor of the announcer’s booth is lined with steel*

Voice: That’s better… Now, onto the next fight!!

*Slade and Arkyron appear in the arena and summon their Pokémon: Gastly and Scyther*

Slade: Heh! This is gonna be quick!

Arkyron: Keep telling yourself that, yaoi-boy!

Voice: Ready? …Fight!!!

Slade: Gastly--!

Arkyron: Scyther--!

Voice: And we’ll be right back after a quick commercial break!!

*Slade and Arkyron fall over*

Slade/Arkyron: VOICE!!!

Voice: What!? It’s called marketing!!!

*at the house…*

Roux/Squall/Dekar: …Saw it coming…

Kite: Ooh! 20% off a six-pack of Slim Jims!

Roux/Squall/Dekar: SHUT UP, KITE!!!!!

[Hayate]

Episode 4 (Part 2 of 6)

TV Spokesman: THAT’S RIGHT!!! You too can have your very own X77 Liquid Crystal display for top-quality computer gaming! Only 3 easy payments of $29.95!! And if you act now, we’ll even throw in a copy of The World R:2 Expansion Pack FREE OF CHARGE!!!

Kite: Oh, man… I’d be stupid NOT to order this!!!

Roux: Goddammit!!! When are these damn commercials gonna end?!?

Squall: …When you stop touching yourself at night…

Roux: I HEARD THAT!!!!

Dekar: …Hey! It’s on again!

Voice: Welcome back, WTF faithfuls!! When we last left you, we were just at the climax of our 5th round!

Slade/Arkyron: WE DIDN’T EVEN START YET!!!!

Voice: *slyly* Oh, didn’t you?

Slade/Arkyron: NO!!!!!

Voice: …Oh… In that case… Participants!!! Present your Pokémon!!!

Slade/Arkyron: WE ALREADY DID!!!!

Voice: …Oh… In that case… Ready? …FIGHT!!!

Arkyron: Well, it’s about time!!! Scyther, let’s kick this off with Pursuit!

*Scyther charges at Gastly with dark-imbued claws*

Slade: Pffff! Child’s play! Gastly, use Hypnosis!

*Gastly sends hypnotic sounds through the air, making Scyther drowsy*

Arkyron: Oh, no! C’mon, Scyther, shake it off!!

*Scyther stumbles across the field disoriented, trying to shake Gastly’s Hypnosis off*

Slade: Not good enough! Night Shade!

*Gastly emits an aura of dark energy towards Scyther*

Arkyron: SCYTHER!!!

*Scyther snaps back to reality and narrowly dodges Night Shade*

Arkyron: Nice! Now counterattack with Fury Cutter!!

*energy surges through Scyther’s left claw, which he uses to slash at Gastly*

Slade: Gastly, no!

*Gastly struggles to stay up*

Slade: C’mon, Gastly! Try Hypnosis again!

*Gastly sends stronger hypnotic sounds at Scyther, completely knocking him out cold*

Arkyron: This can’t be good…!

Slade: Yes!! Now use Dream Eater!!

*Gastly phases through Scyther’s unconscious body, “eating” his dreams; Scyther jolts awake from having taken damage*

Arkyron: Uh-oh…

Slade: Okay, Gastly! Finish him off with Night Shade!

*Gastly emits an aura of dark energy towards Scyther; however, the aura stops short as Scyther’s body begins to glow*

Arkyron: S-Scyther?

Slade: What the hell?

Voice: Would you look at this, folks!? It’s Scyther’s Swarm ability!! When Scyther’s HP is less than one-third, all of his Bug-type attacks double in power!!

Slade: Tch! All that means is Scyther’s near his limit!! I can still win this!! Gastly, Confuse Ray!!

*Gastly fires a white beam at Scyther*

Arkyron: Scyther!! Attack with Fury Cutter!!

*charging forward, Scyther is completely unaffected by Confuse Ray and slashes through Gastly with Fury Cutter, instantly knocking him out*

Voice: Gastly is unable to battle!! Scyther is the winner!! The victory goes to Arkyron!!!

Slade: GAH!! I can’t believe this!!!

Aina: How exciting! I’m sure glad I got to be a part of this event!

Lawliet: *from the waiting room* I AM TOO!!!!

Aina: …Uh… L-Let’s move on to Round 6, shall we? Hehe…

*Atoli and Rena appear in the arena, revealing their Pokémon: Chikorita and Treecko*

Voice: Well, this is a treat!! Two Grass-type starter Pokémon for the price of one!! This is sure to be a thrilling battle!

Atoli: I sure hope Haseo’s watching me!!!

*in the waiting room…*

Haseo: …Got any fives?

Endrance: …Go fish…

Rena: Atoli, you really need to get over Haseo. He’s obviously not into you as much as you think…

Atoli: NO!!! I’ll never get over him!! I’m gonna win this battle, impress Haseo, and we’ll live happily ever after!!

Rena: …Are you for real?

Haseo: *in the waiting room* Not a day goes by that I don’t ask Atoli that very question…

Rena: …Well, whatever! Let’s just get on with this!

Voice: Ready? …FIGHT!!!

Rena: Let’s go, Treecko! Start off with Pound!!

*Treecko dashes at Chikorita, preparing to strike with his tail*

Atoli: Chikorita, counter with Razor Leaf!

*Chikorita barrages Treecko with razor-sharp leaves*

Rena: Quick Attack!!

*Treecko uses its super-fast movements to bypass the leaves and charges into Chikorita, sending her flying into the arena wall*

Rena: Gotcha!!

Atoli: Chikorita, you okay?

*slightly unfazed by the attack, Chikorita gets back to her feet*

Atoli: Alright! Now use Poisonpowder!

*Chikorita jumps into the air above Treecko and sprinkles him with a poisonous powder; Treecko drops to his knees*

Rena: Uh-oh! Not good!

Atoli: Now, use Body Slam!

*still in midair, Chikorita drops onto Treecko, crushing him*

Atoli: I win!! …Huh?

*when the dust clears, Chikorita notices that Treecko was gone*

Atoli: Where did he…?!

Rena: Better pay attention, Haseo-lover!!

Atoli: Huh!?!

*Treecko is shown in midair, having dodging Body Slam*

Atoli: What?!

Rena: Treecko! Now use Pound!!

*Treecko drops onto Chikorita with his tail, disorienting her*

Rena: Mega Drain!

*while Chikorita was groggy, Treecko digs his fingers into Chikorita’s back and absorbs her HP*

Atoli: NO!! Chikorita!!

*Treecko backs off from Chikorita momentarily*

Rena: Heh… This is too easy… How can you hope to win Haseo’s love if you can’t even beat me?

Haseo: *from the waiting room* Could you please not involve me?!?

Atoli: Grrrr… C’mon, Chikorita, you can do it!!!

*Chikorita struggles to stand up; energy begins to gather in her mouth*

Atoli: Huh? …Chikorita?

*as the energy fully charges, Chikorita fires a concentrated beam of energy at Treecko*

Rena: NO WAY!!!

Aina: WOW!!! That was an amazing Solarbeam!!!

*battle-weary Chikorita stares down battle-weary Treecko*

Atoli: Grrrr…

Rena: …

*suddenly, Treecko’s and Chikorita’s bodies start to glow bright green*

Aina: Ooh… Looks like Treecko’s and Chikorita’s Overgrow abilities kicked in at the same time…

Atoli: Okay… It all ends with this attack…

Rena: Heh… I agree…

Atoli: Chikorita!!!

Rena: Treecko!!!

Atoli/Rena: TACKLE/POUND!!!!

*Chikorita and Treecko charge at each other, resulting in a big clash of energy; at the house…*

Roux: AAAGGGHHH!!! Who’s the winner?!? I can’t take the suspense!!!

Slade: …Don’t make me get the valium, Roux…

*in the waiting room…*

Haseo: Hmm…

Ovan: What’s the matter, Haseo? Afraid your lover lost? Hehe…

Haseo: Don’t start with me, Ovan!!

*in the arena, the dust clears, revealing that both Treecko and Chikorita were still standing*

Atoli: …

Rena: …

*Treecko shows signs of fatigue…*

Rena: Don’t fall!!

*…but Chikorita loses consciousness first*

Atoli: *gasp* NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Voice: Chikorita is unable to battle!! Treecko is the winner!! The victory goes to Rena!!!

Rena: WHOO-HOO!!! I did it!!!

*moments later, Atoli appears in the house on her knees, crying her eyes lost*

Atoli: WAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! Now Haseo won’t like me anymore!!!!

Slade: …Screw this… I’m watching TV in my room…

Roux: …Same here…

Squall: …Ditto…

Dekar: …Right behind ya…

Kite: Huh? Wait, guys! Don’t leave me alone with--

*suddenly, Atoli embraces Kite tightly*

Atoli: It’s not fair! WAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

Kite: Gah…! Can’t…breathe…!

*Destaros and Sakubo appear in the arena*

Sakubo: (Saku) YES!! Now it’s my turn!!!

Destaros: Hmph! It’s a bit early to be getting excited, Saku! After all… *takes out Pokéball* …you’re not the one who’s gonna win!!

Sakubo: (Saku) You think so? Well… *takes out Pokéball* …we’ll see about that!!!

Destaros/Sakubo: Pokéball, go!

*Destaros summons his Charmander and Sakubo summons her Pichu*

Voice: Ready? …FIGHT!!

Destaros: Charmander, use Ember!

*Charmander fires bullets of fire at Pichu*

Sakubo: (Saku) Pichu, dodge and use-- *twitch* (Bo) --Thunder Wave!!

*Pichu dodges the flame bullets and sends a paralyzing field of electricity at Charmander*

Destaros: Flamethrower!!!

*Charmander cancels out Thunder Wave with a stream of flames*

Sakubo: (Saku) Dodge again and use-- *twitch* (Bo) --Iron Tail!! *twitch* (Saku) Hey, stop that!

*Pichu charges at Charmander with a glowing tail*

Destaros: Scratch, Charmander!

*Charmander narrowly avoids Pichu’s Iron Tail and scratches him with his claws*

Sakubo: (Saku) Uh-oh! Pichu, use-- *twitch* (Bo) --Thundershock!! *twitch* (Saku) STOP IT, BO!!!

*Pichu sends a bolt of lightning at Charmander, shocking it*

Destaros: Not good!

Sakubo: (Saku) Great! Now use-- *twitch* (Bo) --Iron Tail!! *twitch* (Saku) NO!!! VOLT TACKLE!!! *twitch* (Bo) Iron Tail!! *twitch* (Saku) VOLT TACKLE!!! *twitch* (Bo) IRON TAIL!! *twitch* (Saku) VOLT TACKLE!!!

*Pichu looks at Sakubo questioningly*

Sakubo: (Saku) Stop giving Pichu commands, Bo! *twitch* (Bo) Why not? He’s my Pokémon too! *twitch* (Saku) No, he’s not! He’s mine! *twitch* (Bo) DON’T BE GREEDY!!!

Destaros: …

Charmander: …

Destaros: …Finish up with Fire Spin, Charmander…

*Charmander surrounds Pichu with a tornado of flames, knocking him unconscious*

Voice: Pichu is unable to battle… Charmander is the winner… The victory goes to Destaros… No surprise there…

Sakubo: (Saku) Pichu, no!!! Look what you did, Bo!! *twitch* (Bo) Me?!? This is your fault!! *twitch*

Destaros: …Well, that was embarrassing…

*Destaros returns to the waiting room while Sakubo returns to the house*

Sakubo: (Saku) If it wasn’t for you, I would’ve won!! *twitch* (Bo) Oh, please!! You couldn’t win your way out of a paper bag!! *twitch* (Saku) Say that to my face, why don’t you?!? *twitch* (Bo) TECHNICALLY, I AM!!!!

Atoli: …

Kite: …

*in the arena…*

Voice: This sure has been a great war so far, and it only gets better from here on, folks!! Let’s continue!!

*Lawliet and Zero appear in the arena*

Aina: Participants, present your Pokémon!!!

Lawliet/Zero: Pokéball, go!!

*Lawliet summons Vulpix; Zero summons Absol*

Aina: Ready? …FIGHT!!!

Zero: This is gonna be easy! Absol, use Quick Attack!

*Absol dashes at Vulpix*

Lawliet: Imprison, Vulpix!

*Absol suddenly freezes it his tracks*

Zero: What the hell? What’d you do?

Lawliet: I used Vulpix’s Imprison technique. I can prevent Absol from using a move if Vulpix knows the same move. Vulpix knows Quick Attack, so Absol can’t use it. Now, it’s my turn! Vulpix, Will-o-Wisp!!

*Vulpix sends a sphere of blue fire at Absol*

Zero: Absol, dodge it and use Perish Song!

*Absol dodges Vulpix’s Will-o-Wisp and sings a song for Vulpix*

Lawliet: What now!?

Zero: Heh… It’s all over… Once you hear Absol’s Perish Song, you’re finished! As soon as you attack five more times, Vulpix faints in an instant!

Lawliet: Say WHAT?!?

Voice: Ooh!! Looks like Zero’s drawn Lawliet into a corner already!!

Lawliet: Pffff! Fat chance!! I’ll just have to take you out with four attacks!!! Vulpix, Confuse Ray!

*Vulpix hits Absol with a beam of white light*

Zero: Crap!!

Lawliet: Nice!! Now Flamethrower!!!

*Vulpix hits Absol with a stream of fire*

Zero: Double-crap!!!

*Vulpix begins to show signs of fatigue*

Lawliet: Vulpix, what’s the matter?

Zero: Hehe… Looks like Perish Song’s beginning to take effect… Either that or it’s Absol’s Pressure ability… It causes the opponent to get tired twice as fast… Running out of ideas, L? Hehehe…

Lawliet: Tch! You wish! Vulpix, use Flamethrower again!!

*Vulpix fires another stream of fire at Absol*

Zero: RAZOR WIND!!

*Absol fires a sharp wind crescent that cuts through Flamethrower and strikes Vulpix*

Lawliet: Dammit!!

Zero: Face it, Lawliet! You can’t beat me!

Lawliet: Grrrr… (Two more attacks, and Vulpix is done for… I have to take Absol out right now!!) …Huh? *smirk* I know what to do…

Zero: Hmm? What’s with that look?

Lawliet: Vulpix, jump into the air!

*Vulpix jumps high into the air; Lawliet takes out his guitar*

Lawliet: LET’S ROCK!!! *begins playing hard rock guitar riff*

Zero: W-What the hell are you doing?!?!

*Absol shows signs of pain from the loud sounds*

Zero: Absol?!

Lawliet: (There!) VULPIX, FIRE SPIN!!!!

*Vulpix surrounds Absol with spinning flames; when the flames clear, Absol is still standing, but just barely*

Zero: *sigh* …Looks like you haven’t beaten me yet, Lawliet… And you just used up Vulpix’s fourth attack…

Lawliet: Tch! Dammit… What now? (If I attack, I lose… If Absol attacks, I lose… WHY ISN’T IT EVER EASY?!?) …Huh?

*Lawliet looks up at the announcer’s booth and sees Aina looking at him*

Lawliet: …Aina…

Zero: It’s time I finished this!! Absol!!

Lawliet: Huh?!

Zero: Finish Vulpix with Bite!!!

*Absol bears its fangs and charges at Vulpix*

Lawliet: Dammit… I have no choice!!

*Lawliet runs in front of Vulpix and Absol bites into Lawliet’s arm*

Lawliet: GAH!!!!!

Crowd: …Ouch…

Zero: …He’s crazy…

Lawliet: Heh… I believe…this…belongs to you…!

*Lawliet throws Absol up into the air and prepares his guitar*

Lawliet: BATTER UP!!!

*when Absol comes down, Lawliet strikes him with his guitar like a baseball bat, sending Absol flying*

Zero: What the hell?!?

*Absol flies into Zero, knocking them both unconscious*

Zero: …I hate my life…

Voice: Zero and Absol are unable to battle!! Vulpix is the winner!! The victory goes to Lawliet!!

Lawliet: Heh!

*crowd cheers as Lawliet is returned to the waiting room*

Lawliet: …

Ciege: Good work, Lawliet! *gets shot* GAH!!

Lawliet: *holding gun* PAINKILLERS!!!! I REQUIRE PAINKILLERS!!!!

Voice: Whoo!! Things are getting really hot now, ladies and gentlemen!! Let’s continue with the next two participants!

*Marche and Endrance appear in the arena*

Marche: Whee!! Let’s do it!!

Endrance: …

Voice: PARTICIPANTS, PRESENT YOUR--

Aina: Uh, Voice?

Voice: Huh? What is it?

*looking at the arena, Voice notices Marche’s Pokémon, Porygon, already unconscious*

Voice: *twitch* What just happened!?

Endrance: …Nothing… He just summoned his Pokémon and knocked it out with his broadsword…

Marche: I THOUGHT IT WAS A MONSTER!!!!

Voice: …Uh… The victory goes to Endrance!! …I guess…

*Marche is warped to the house*

Marche: I’m back, bitches!!! Where be da Pixi Stix?!?!?

Everyone: …

Roux: Wow… He lost faster than Atoli does at Rock-Paper-Scissors…

Kite: …Can we stop now, Atoli?

Atoli: NO!!! Best 27 out of 53!!!

Kite: *sigh* Okay, fine…

*seconds later…*

Atoli: DAMMIT!!! Best 28 out of 55!!!!

Kite: *groan*

[Hayate]

Episode 4 (Part 3 of 6)

*at the house…*

Kite: …I’m tired of this, Atoli…

Atoli: NO!!! 106 OUT OF 211!!

Kite: *groan* Roux, did you fix the TV yet?

Roux: COME ON, YOU PIECE OF CRAP!!! WORK!!!

Squall: …I guess not…

Sakubo: Well, this wouldn’t have happened if Dekar didn’t try to emo-ize the TV!!!

Dekar: I thought demons were trying to contact us!!! It was an honest mistake!!!

Roux: OH, SHUT THE HELL UP, DEKAR!!!

Marche: Hey!!! *runs in* I found the Pixi Stix!!! *trips over remote control* AAAAHHHH!!!!

*as Marche falls over, his head collides with the TV, fixing it*

Zero: YES!!! IT’S FIXED!!!

Dekar: …Well, I’ll be damned… I guess Marche is useful for something after all…

Atoli: 107 OUT OF-- Hey, look! It’s on again!

Voice: *on TV* Welcome back, WTF-inites!!!

Kite: *sigh* Finally…

*in the announcer’s booth…*

Voice: Welcome back, WTF-inites!!! I hope we didn’t keep you waiting long!! We know bring to you the final battle of the first Round! Let’s bring out our participants!!

*Ciege and Grey Fox appear in the arena…*

Ciege/Grey Fox: Pokéball, go!!

*…and present their Pokémon, Ralts and Zangoose*

Aina: Ready? …FIGHT!!!

Ciege: Let’s go, Ralts! Use Future Sight!

*Ralts’ eyes glow blue*

Grey Fox: What the hell are you doing?

Ciege: Peering into your future… And it doesn’t look too bright…

Grey Fox: Pffff! Yeah, have fun doing that while I kick your ass! Quick Attack, Zangoose!

*Zangoose charges at Ralts at full speed*

Ciege: …Wait for it…

*Zangoose continues to charge at Ralts…*

Ciege: …Wait for it…

*…and continues…*

Ciege: …And…Confusion!

*seconds before Zangoose’s claw connects with Ralts, Zangoose’s body glows blue and is lifted off the ground*

Grey Fox: What the f**k!?

Ciege: Hehehe…

*Zangoose flies into the ceiling of the arena wall, then drops onto the ground*

Ciege: Nothing escapes Ralts’ all-seeing eyes!

Grey Fox: You’re full of it!! Zangoose, Detect!

*Zangoose gets up off the ground and his eyes glow red*

Ciege: Hmm?

Grey Fox: I’ve got news for you, Ciege!! Zangoose can see into the future too!!

Ciege: Tch! Yeah, right! Ralts, Double Team!

*Ralts spreads illusions of himself around Zangoose*

Ciege: Just try finding him now!!

Grey Fox: Grrrr…

*Zangoose looks around himself, looking for Ralts*

Ciege: It’s no use!! Ralts, use Psychic!!

*the illusions of Ralts all fire rays of psychic energy at Zangoose*

Grey Fox: JUMP!!!

*Zangoose leaps into the air to dodge Ralts’ attack*

Grey Fox: Now… Slash!!

*using Detect, Zangoose pinpoints the real Ralts and dives down to slash at him*

Ciege: Ralts!!!

*Ralts falls over, and Double Team wears off*

Ciege: C’mon, Ralts! Get up!

*Ralts gets to his feet, but just barely*

Ciege: Hypnosis!

*Ralts sends hypnotic sounds through the air, making Zangoose drowsy*

Grey Fox: Uh-oh…!

Ciege: No need to wait until he falls completely asleep… Finish him with Psychic!

*Ralts fires rays of psychic energy at Zangoose*

Grey Fox: Get out of the way, Zangoose!!!

*Zangoose, being too drowsy to concentrate, takes the brunt of Ralts’ Psychic*

Grey Fox: ZANGOOSE!!!

*Zangoose falls unconscious*

Voice: Zangoose is unable to battle!! Ralts is the winner!! The victory goes to Ciege!!

Ciege: Oh, yeah!!! That’s what I’m talkin’ about!!

Grey Fox: *returns Zangoose to his Pokéball* You fought well, Zangoose. Take a nice rest now. ………Oh, god, why am I talking like this?!?

*Ciege returns to the waiting room, while Grey Fox returns to the house*

Grey Fox: …Well…That was short-lived…

Atoli: Hey, Grey Fox! Wanna play Rock-Paper-Scissors?

*Grey Fox notices Kite behind Atoli, mouthing the words “Don’t do it!”*

Grey Fox: Uh… No thanks…

Voice: *on TV* And we’ll be taking a brief intermission to prepare for the next round, so don’t go away!

*Voice appears in the arena*

Voice: Greetings, bitches! Time to see who you’ll be facing in the next round! *snaps fingers*

Voice: …And there you have it! SO!!! You enjoying the tournament so far?

Lawliet: I still think it’s stupid…but at least I’m winning.

Kirby: Didja see the way I schooled Dekar?! I’m dominating this tournament!!

Rena: Surprisingly, I’m having fun…

Voice: Oh, really? Well, it’s about to get even more fun… Take out your Pokéballs.

*the housemates all take out their Pokéballs and Voice snaps his fingers; the Pokéballs all glow for a second before the glow fades*

Endrance: …What’d you do?

Voice: *smirk* Oh, you’ll find out soon enough… Enjoy the rest of the war, bitches! *vanishes*

Rena: I said I take offense to being called a bitch!!!

Arkyron: Oh, get over it, flat-chest!

Rena: WHAT’D YOU CALL ME!?!?!?

Destaros: Hehehe… I’m gonna take great pleasure in beating you, Lawliet!!!

Lawliet: …Destaros…Two words: Breath mint…

*Voice appears in the announcer’s booth*

Voice: Welcome back, WTF whores!! It’s time for the second round, and our participants’ Pokémon have all received a bit of an upgrade thanks to yours truly, so without further ado, let’s begin part 2 of the… POKÉ-WAR!!!

*crowd cheers loudly as Ovan and Hartz appear in the arena*

Ovan: (I don’t know what the Voice did to our Pokémon, but I think I have an idea…)

Ovan/Hartz: Pokéball, go!!

*Ovan summons Kadabra and Hartz summons Ampharos*

Hartz: Ampharos!!! SWEET!!!

Ovan: Hmm… (Hartz’ Mareep evolved twice, while my Abra only evolved once… What’re you up to, Voice?)

Voice: Ready? …FIGHT!!!!!

Ovan: (Okay, let’s see… Kadabra’s moves include…)

Hartz: Ampharos! Thunder Punch!

*Ampharos charges at Kadabra with electricity coursing through his fist*

Ovan: (Damn!! Not enough time to think!!) Teleport!

*Kadabra narrowly avoids Thunder Punch by teleporting a short distance between Ampharos*

Ovan: …Psybeam!

*Kadabra strikes Ampharos with a concentrated beam of energy*

Hartz: Damn…! Cotton Spore!

*slightly weakened Ampharos sprinkles spores of cotton on Kadabra, paralyzing him*

Ovan: (…Not good…) Hmm? …Oh… Hehehe…

Hartz: What’re you so happy about? …Huh?

*suddenly, Ampharos begins to show signs of paralysis*

Hartz: What the!? What’s going on!?

Ovan: It’s Kadabra’s Synchronize ability. If a negative condition is inflicted on Kadabra, that same condition is inflicted on the enemy. Looks like we’re both fighting with paralyzed Pokémon from here on.

Hartz: Grrrr… C’mon, Ampharos! Use Thundershock!

*Ampharos struggles to shoot an electric bolt at Kadabra*

Ovan: Confusion!

*with a bit of effort, Kadabra stops Thundershock and sends it back at Ampharos, striking it*

Hartz: Ampharos, no!

Ovan: Time to finish this! Kadabra, use Psychic!

*Kadabra fires rays of psychic energy at Ampharos*

Hartz: DODGE IT!!!

*Ampharos leaps out of the way of Psychic just in time; his paralysis wears off*

Hartz: Nice! Now use Thunderpunch!!

*Ampharos charges and strikes Kadabra with an electric fist attack, sending him flying into the arena wall*

Crowd: Ooh!

Aina: He’s gonna feel that one in the morning…

Voice: I think he’s feeling it now! Hehehe…

Ovan: …

*Ovan looks at Kadabra, who’s just barely keeping himself up*

Hartz: Okay! Time for the finishing blow!

Ovan: …Recover…

Hartz: What?!?!?

*Kadabra is covered in a multicolored light, replenishing his HP*

Hartz: Damn… Gotta finish this before it’s too late! *takes out a glass arrow and fires it into the air* Ampharos!! Strike that arrow with Thunder!!

*Ampharos strikes the arrow with Thunder, reflecting it off the glass, which creates an array of thunderbolts that covers the entire arena*

Voice: Ooh… Fancy light show…

*some thunderbolts strike Kadabra as he recovers his HP*

Ovan: Tch!

Hartz: It’s over!

Ovan: …I beg to differ…

Hartz: Huh!?

*the thunderous lights all wear off, as well as Kadabra’s Recover*

Ovan: (It’s not a lot, but it’ll do…) Now… Disable!

*Kadabra’s eyes glow deep blue and Ampharos lifts off the ground*

Ovan: …PSYBEAM!!! FULL POWER!!!

*Kadabra fires a fully-charged Psybeam at Ampharos’ airborne body, striking it with powerful psychic energy*

Hartz: AMPHAROS!!!!

*Disable wears off, and Ampharos falls to the ground, unconscious*

Voice: Ampharos is unable to battle!! Kadabra is the winner!! The victory goes to Ovan!!

Aina: Way to go, brother!!!

*Hartz returns to the house*

Hartz: *sigh* Oh, well… I’m back, Atoli!!!

Atoli: GRAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

*a china dish flies by Hartz’ head and shatters against the wall*

Hartz: …

Kite: Hartz, get out of here!! Atoli just lost Rock-Paper-Scissors 300 times in a row, and now she’s lost her mind!!!

Atoli: RAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWR!!!!!!!!

Zero: SOMEONE MAKE HER STOP!!!!

Grey Fox: Uh… H-Hey, Atoli, look!! Haseo’s on TV!!

Atoli: GRAAA-- Oh, really!? *runs to the front of the TV to watch*

Squall: *sigh* …Finally…The beast has stopped…

*Haseo and Kirby appear in the arena*

Kirby: Okay… Let’s do this!

Haseo/Kirby: Pokéball, go!!

*Haseo summons Dusclops; Kirby summons Hitmontop*

Haseo: Hehehe… This is gonna be fun!

Voice: Ready? …FIGHT!!!

Aina: It’s Ghost VS Fighter, so Haseo has the obvious advantage in this battle! But who knows? Kirby just might turn his handicap into power! Let’s watch!

Haseo: Dusclops, Shadow Punch!

*Dusclops fires a fist-shaped bullet of dark energy at Hitmontop*

Kirby: Hitmontop, let the attack hit you!

*Hitmontop does what Kirby orders and lets the Shadow Punch strike him*

Voice: A bit unorthodox, but maybe Kirby has something up his sleeve!

Kirby: Heh! Now use Endeavor!

*Hitmontop dashes at Dusclops and strikes with a fierce kick*

Haseo: What the?!? Endeavor’s a Normal-type move! It shouldn’t have any effect on a Ghost!!

Kirby: Normally, you’d be right, Haseo! But Endeavor isn’t an average Normal-type move. If Endeavor is used on a Pokémon that has more HP than the attacker, then the Pokémon receiving the attack is struck equal to the damage the attacker just took! It doesn’t matter if the enemy is a Ghost-type!!

Haseo: Grrrr… Lucky shot! Dusclops, Astonish!

*Dusclops charges in at Hitmontop*

Kirby: Rapid Spin!

*Hitmontop spins his body like a top, evading Astonish*

Kirby: Now use Pursuit!

*still spinning like a top, Hitmontop’s feet surge with dark energy, allowing him to strike Dusclops from behind*

Haseo: Dammit!!!

Kirby: C’mon, Haseo! You’re making this too easy for me!

Haseo: Tch! I’ll show you “easy”! Dusclops, use Curse!!

*Dusclops casts a curse on Hitmontop, cutting Dusclops’ HP in half*

Kirby: Huh? What are you…?

Haseo: Hehehe… You’ll see…

Kirby: Pffff! Hitmontop, Revenge!!

*Hitmontop attacks Dusclops, but Hitmontop takes damage instead on Dusclops*

Kirby: What the f**k?!?

Haseo: And there you have it! Curse divides the attacker’s HP in half, but as a result, the attacker becomes immune to practically every Pokémon move!!!

Kirby: NO F**KING WAY!!!!

Haseo: YES WAY!!!! There’s no way you can win now!!

Kirby: Grrrr… (Dammit… What do I do now?)

Aina: Uh-oh! Looks like Kirby’s in for it…!

Kirby: …Wait…Did you say every Pokémon attack?

Haseo: Uh… Yeah…

Kirby: *smirk* Hitmontop! Throw me towards Dusclops!

*Hitmontop, using Rapid Spin, kicks Kirby over to Dusclops*

Kirby: YAAAAAAAH!!!!

*Kirby’s mouth opens wide as he flies at Dusclops*

Haseo: Uh-oh…

*Kirby swallows Dusclops whole*

Kirby: *burp* Ahhh…

Crowd: Eww…

Haseo: *eye twitch* HE JUST ATE MY POKÉMON!!!! CAN HE DO THAT?!?!?

Voice: Well… Technically, since this is a war… So, I guess the winner is--

Haseo: Wait!!!

Voice: Huh?

*Haseo runs over to Kirby and forces his mouth open*

Haseo: DUSCLOPS!!!! WILL-O-WISP!!!!

Kirby: Ha! Dusclops can’t hear you now! I win! … *sniffs* Hey, you smell something burning?

Haseo: Yes… You…

Kirby: …Oh… *bursts into flames* OH, IT’S HOT!!! OH, IT’S VERY HOT!!!

*Kirby passes out and Dusclops climbs out of his mouth*

Crowd: Eww!!

Haseo: …Should’ve chewed his food before swallowing… Heh!

Voice: Kirby is unable to battle!! Dusclops is the winner!! The victory goes to Haseo!!

Haseo: As if there was any doubt!

*Haseo and Kirby disappear from the arena, and are replaced by Arkyron and Rena*

Rena: You’re gonna pay for that “flat-chest” crack!!

Arkyron: Well, it’s true! Don’t deny it!

Rena: ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!

Arkyron: Pokéball, go!!

*Arkyron summons Scizor and Rena summons Grovyle*

Voice: Ready? …FI--

Rena: GROVYLE, LEAF BLADE!!!!

*Grovyle slashes at Scizor with a green arm-blade*

Arkyron: Dodge it, Scizor!

*Scizor narrowly dodges the Leaf Blade*

Arkyron: Settle down, girl! Voice didn’t even start the fight yet!

Rena: RAGGLE-FRAGGLE!!!!

Arkyron: *eye twitch* Oh, boy… Once someone says that line, trouble can’t be too far off…

Rena: GROVYLE, POUND!!!!

*Grovyle swings his tail at Scizor*

Arkyron: Dodge it!

*Scizor dodges it, but is struck by a second Pound attack*

Arkyron: Scizor!

*Scizor, not too affected by Pound, gets back up*

Arkyron: Sweet! Now, Scizor, counter with Wing Attack!

*Scizor flies at Grovyle with a glowing claw*

Rena: Dodge and use Leaf Blade!!!

*Grovyle ducks under Scizor’s attack and attacks with a upward Leaf Blade, sending Scizor crashing into the ceiling*

Arkyron: …Whoa…

Rena: *growling*

Arkyron: Eeeep!

Rena: FALSE SWIPE!!!!

*Grovyle leaps at Scizor, ready to slash at him*

Arkyron: Uh-oh! Iron Defense!!

*Scizor’s armor hardens, protecting him from Grovyle’s False Swipe*

Arkyron: Whew…

Rena: IT’S NOT OVER YET!!!

Arkyron: *gulp* It’s not…?

Rena: Grovyle, use Fury Cutter on Arkyron!!!

Arkyron: Say WHAT?!?!?

*Grovyle charges at Arkyron*

Arkyron: Oh, crap! *draws Tribal Grappler gauntlets*

*Grovyle and Arkyron clash fists with fists*

Arkyron: C’mon!!! Is that all you’ve got?!?

*Scizor lands on the ground and glares at Rena*

Rena: Bring it on, you overgrown tin can!!!

*Rena and Scizor clash broadsword with claws*

Voice: Well, well, WELL!!! I never would’ve expected something like this, folks!! Rena and Arkyron are going at it with each other’s Pokémon!!

Aina: Now it’s a question of who loses consciousness first!

Rena: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!

*Rena swings his broadsword at Scizor, sending him flying into the arena wall*

Rena: *panting*

Arkyron: HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

*with a swipe of his gauntlet, Arkyron sends Grovyle flying into the arena wall*

*both Grovyle and Scizor fall unconscious*

Voice: Both Grovyle AND Scizor are unable to battle!! This is unprecedented!!

Aina: So…is it a tie?

Rena: NO!!!

Aina: *gasp*

Rena: Forget the Pokémon!!! This is personal!!!

Arkyron: Okay, girl!! You’ve officially lost your mind!!

Rena: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!

*Rena charges at Arkyron and swings her broadsword downward; Arkyron defends with his gauntlets*

Rena: YAAAAH! YAAAAH! YAAAAH! YAAAAH! YAAAAH!

Arkyron: (Oh, man… This is totally crazy…)

Rena: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*as Rena swings her sword again, Arkyron’s gauntlets break under the massive pressure*

Arkyron: …Oh, jeez…

Rena: *raises broadsword* HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!

Arkyron: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!

*suddenly, Rena drops her broadsword and simply punches Arkyron harshly across the face*

Arkyron: Oof!!!

*Arkyron falls to the ground, out cold*

Rena: *panting* …WHOO!!!! That felt good!

Voice: Looks like it’s finally over! Arkyron is unable to battle! The victory goes to Rena!!!

Aina: And with that, we’ll take a short commercial break!

*Arkyron is returned to the house*

Arkyron: *dizzy* Ohhh… Anyone get the number of that license plate…?

Sakubo: (Bo) Yeah… It was “KLLRRNA”…

Arkyron: Ohhh… Huh? …Why is there glass all over the floor?

Marche: …‘Cuz there’s no God, that’s why…

[Hayate]

Episode 4 (Part 4 of 6)

Zero: C’mon, c’mon, C’MON!!! *unplugs and replugs wires* How about now?

Atoli/Sakubo/Kite/Dekar: …Same…

Zero: Dammit! *messes with the antenna* Now?

Arkyron/Slade/Marche/Hartz: …Same…

Zero: GAH!!!! *kicks the TV* …Now?

Grey Fox/Kirby/Squall/Roux: …Same…

Zero: GOD-F**KING-DAMMIT!!!! I bet the Voice gave us satellite TV just to piss us off!!!

Kite: Well, apparently it’s working…

*Zero suddenly picks Marche up*

Zero: It worked last time! Maybe it’ll work this time! *rams Marche’s head into the TV*

Voice: *on TV* --Welcome back!

Zero: YES!!!!

Marche: …Ow…

*in the announcer’s booth…*

Voice: Welcome back! We’ve just now reached the climax of the second round of the Poké-War! Let’s get things rolling again, huh? Now introducing…

*Destaros and Lawliet appear in the arena*

Destaros: Heh!

Lawliet: …Hmph…

*suddenly, a single girl screams more loudly than the rest of the crowd*

: WHOOOOOOOO!!!! GO, DESTAROS!!!! KICK LAWLIET’S ASS!!!!

Lawliet: …What the f**k?

Destaros: Oh, no… It’s her…

Lawliet: “Her”? “Her” who?

Destaros: …Jestu…President of the Destaros Fan Club…

Lawliet: …YOU HAVE A FAN CLUB?!?!?

*in the waiting room…*

Everyone: HE HAS A FAN CLUB?!?!?

Destaros: Well, it’s actually a guild… But she’s the only member…

Lawliet: …Oh…

Destaros: It’s nuts!!! I save her from a Player Killer ONE TIME and now, she won’t leave me alone!!!

Lawliet: …Heh…

Destaros: You think it’s funny?!? I’m being stalked here!!!

Lawliet: Meh… You get used to it…

Jestu: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lawliet: …Though I guess that would get annoying after a while… Especially from one person…

Destaros: Just ignore her… Pokéball, go!!

Lawliet: Suit yourself… Pokéball, go!!

*Destaros summons Charizard; Lawliet summons Ninetales*

Voice: WHOO!!! It’s Fire-type against Fire-type this time, folks!! Let’s get busy! Participants ready? …FIGHT!!!!

Jestu: GO GET ‘IM, DESTY-BABY!!! LAWLIET’S GOT NOTHIN’ ON YOU!!!!

Destaros: *groans* Let’s go, Charizard! Start off with Ember!

*Charizard barrages Ninetales with bullets of fire*

Lawliet: …

*the fire bullets have no effect on Ninetales*

Lawliet: …Ember…

*Ninetales sprays powerful bullets of fire from her tails, which damage Charizard quite a bit*

Destaros: What the hell!? How’d you damage me with that attack if it didn’t work on you?!?

Lawliet: Heh… Wouldn’t you like to know…?

Destaros: Grrrr… Charizard, Flamethrower!!!

*Charizard blasts Ninetales with a stream of flames, which also has no effect*

Destaros: Hey!!! What gives?!?

Lawliet: …Mirror Move…

*Ninetales blasts Charizard with a powerful stream of fire that deals a lot of damage*

Destaros: Dammit!! What the hell’s going on here?!?

Lawliet: …Heh…You haven’t figured it out yet?

Destaros: Huh? Figured what out?

Lawliet: It’s Flash Fire, Ninetales’ special ability. Whenever Ninetales is hit with a Fire-based attack, some of that attack’s damage is negated and Ninetales’ attack power increases.

Destaros: …WHAT?!?!?

Lawliet: You’ve been helping me ever since this fight started!!! Ninetales, Mimic!

*Ninetales’ eyes begin to glow multiple colors, as if analyzing Charizard*

Destaros: Oh, boy…

*the glow in Ninetales’ eyes vanish and she suddenly breathes out black mist, clouding the arena*

Aina: Uh-oh! Ninetales copied Charizard’s Smokescreen! This could spell trouble for Destaros!

Destaros: Tch! …Charizard, blow the smoke away with your wings!

*Charizard flaps his wings furiously, dissipating the smoke; both Lawliet and Ninetales had disappeared*

Destaros: Huh!? Where did they--!?

Lawliet: PAY ATTENTION!!!

*Destaros looks up and spots Lawliet dropping onto him with his guitar*

Destaros: Crap!!! *defends with his blade* Grrrr… Hey, wait! If you’re here, where’s Ninetales!?

Jestu: BEHIND YOU!!!

Destaros: Say what?!?

*turning his head slightly, Destaros notices Ninetales behind you, readying to fire a Confuse Ray*

Destaros: Crap!!! *shifting his weight a little, Destaros shoves Lawliet in the way of Ninetales’ Confuse Ray*

Lawliet: Uh-oh! *is hit by Confuse Ray* Uhhhhhh…

*Lawliet stumbles around the arena disoriented*

Voice: Ooh… Definitely not one of Lawliet’s more graceful moments… Hehehe…

Destaros: Time to finish this! Charizard, use… HUH?!?

*Destaros looks over at Charizard, who was nearly asleep; Lawliet stands next to him, playing a lullaby on his guitar*

Destaros: WHAT?!? Then who’s…?

*looking over again, Destaros notices that the confused Lawliet had vanished*

Destaros: What the…?!? But when did--?!? ………WHAT’S GOING ON!?!?

Lawliet: How do you like my “Song of Illusion”?

Destaros: Song of…Illusion?

Lawliet: Yup! Once you hear its notes, you immediately fall under an illusionary spell and start hallucinating…like seeing things that aren’t really there… Hehehe…

Destaros: You son of a… CHARIZARD!!!

Lawliet: You’re too late! He’s already sleeping like a baby!

Destaros: …

Jestu: C’MON, DESTY!!! DON’T LET THAT FRAUD PSYCHE YOU OUT!!!

Lawliet: Who’re you callin’ a fraud, you she-devil?!?

Destaros: (Heh… Never thought a dumb stalker girl would cheer me up…) Hmph!

*Destaros readies his blade and charges at Lawliet*

Lawliet: Oh, come on! You already lost!

*suddenly, Destaros runs past Lawliet and towards Charizard*

Lawliet: Uh…

*Destaros flips his blade upside down and strikes Charizard’s head with the blade’s hilt*

Destaros: WAKE UP!!!!

*Charizard jerks awake and starts breathing fire everywhere in a fit of rage; he accidentally breathes fire on Destaros*

Destaros: …Well, that could’ve gone better… *passes out*

Voice: Destaros is unable to battle!! Charizard has no one to give him commands! The victory goes to Lawliet and Ninetales!!

Lawliet: Hmph! *flicks his hair suavely*

Girls: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Jestu: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Aina: Well, that certainly was unexpected… To think that Destaros would be knocked out cold by his own Pokémon…

Voice: And those are EXACTLY the kinds of random acts of violence that make the Poké-War what it is! So, let’s get continue with the final match of round 2!!!

*Endrance and Ciege appear in the arena*

Ciege: Pokéball, go!

*Ciege summons Kirlia*

Endrance: (Okay, Eevee… Let’s do this!) Pokéball, go!

*Endrance tosses his Pokéball, but it’s not Eevee that comes out, but instead his new Ice-type evolution*

Endrance: E-Eevee!?

Voice: Au contraire, Endrance! What you see before you is not Eevee, but rather his evolved form… Glaceon!

*crowd cheers loudly*

Endrance: …………AWESOME!!! I’m definitely gonna win now!!!

Ciege: Pffff! You wish!

Voice: Ready, participants? …FIGHT!!!

Ciege: Kirlia, Double Team!

*Kirlia spreads illusions of himself around Glaceon*

Endrance: Let’s see… Glaceon’s moves include… Quick Attack!

*Glaceon charges through the Kirlia illusions at blinding speed and tackles Kirlia*

Ciege: WHAT THE F**K?!?

Endrance: (So fast…)

*Kirlia struggles to return to his feet*

Ciege: C’mon, Kirlia! Use Psychic!

*Kirlia’s eyes glow bright blue; Glaceon’s body starts to lift off the ground*

Ciege: NOW!

*Kirlia flings Glaceon clear across the arena*

Endrance: Tackle!!!

*before crashing into the arena wall, Glaceon lands on the wall with his feet and uses the wall to propel himself towards Kirlia; the tackle connects and Kirlia is sent flying into the arena wall instead*

Aina: By the way, Voice, how is your insurance gonna cover the damages to the arena?

Voice: *laughing* …It’s not… *sobbing*

Aina: …

Ciege: C’mon, Kirlia, get up!

*Kirlia just barely gets to his feet*

Ciege: Magical Leaf!

*Kirlia spreads his arms out and generates leaves of multiple colors, which surround Glaceon*

Ciege: NOW!!!

*the leaves all fly at Glaceon*

Endrance: Ice Pebble!!!

*quills of ice extend all over Glaceon’s body; the quills fly off and collide with each leaf, freezing them in ice before they could strike Glaceon*

Aina: This is unbelievable! No matter what Kirlia throws at Glaceon, Glaceon returns with double the striking power! Isn’t this amazing, Voice?

Voice: *stuffing his face with ramen* …Huh? Oh, sorry, I wasn’t paying attention…

Aina: …

Voice: ……WHAT?!? I didn’t have lunch today, okay?!?!?

Aina: *nervously* O…kay…

Ciege: Dammit… How can I win this…?

Endrance: There’s a simple answer to that, Ciege: You can’t! Glaceon, Blizzard!!

*Glaceon creates a blizzard that makes the entire arena white*

Ciege: Tch! Dammit! I can’t see!

Endrance: That’s the point! Glaceon, finish up with Ice Fang!

*since Kirlia was also unable to see, he doesn’t notice Glaceon bite into his flesh; seconds later, Kirlia is completely frozen solid, and the blizzard subsides*

Ciege: KIRLIA!!!!

Aina: Kirlia is unable to battle!! Glaceon is the winner!! The victory goes to Endrance!!

*Endrance returns Glaceon to his Pokéball*

Endrance: …Heh!

*Endrance raises his Pokéball to the sky in victory and the crowd cheers loudly*

Voice: The pose of a true winner! Excellent! We’ll be taking a short break to prepare for the semifinals!

*Destaros and Ciege return to the house*

Destaros: …I just realized how much I hate Pokémon…

Ciege: …You’re not the only one… Hmm?

*the two notice everyone sitting on or around the couch while Zero continuously kicks the TV*

Ciege: What’s going on?

Zero: GAH!!!!! I HATE SATELLITE!!!!!

Ciege: …Never mind… I don’t wanna know…

*Voice appears in the waiting room*

Voice: How goes it, bitches?

Rena: Uh--

Voice: SHUT UP!!! I’M GONNA CALL YOU A BITCH AND YOU’RE GONNA LIKE IT, OKAY?!?!?

Rena: Fine… C.ockbag…

Voice: …Anyway, here’s who you’ll be facing in the semifinals! *snaps fingers*

Voice: …And also, a gift! Pokéballs, please…

*the housemates all take out their Pokéballs and Voice snaps his fingers; the Pokéballs all glow for a second before the glow fades*

Ovan: Another evolution?

Voice: Yup!

Lawliet: Hey, wait… Vulpix only evolves once… I still have Ninetales, don’t I?

Voice: True… But you may find something quite different about her… Hehehe… Enjoy the rest of the war, bitches! *vanishes*

Rena: I SAID I… Oh, forget it…

*Voice reappears in the announcer’s booth*

Voice: Welcome back, WTF addicts!! It’s time for the semifinal round!!! I hope you went to the bathroom, ‘cuz if you didn’t, this next fight is guaranteed to make you piss your pants!!! Let’s meet our first two semifinalists!!

*Ovan and Haseo appear in the arena*

Haseo: You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this moment, Ovan!! Time for the student to school the master!!!

Ovan: Heh… Clever, Haseo. However… *takes out Pokéball* …the master still has much to teach! Pokéball, go!!

*Ovan summons Alakazam*

Ovan: (Haseo has Dusclops, a Ghost-type, so he has the clear advantage… But I’m not gonna let that stop me!)

Haseo: Pokéball, go!

*Haseo tosses his Pokéball and summons…*

Aina: Looks like Haseo’s got himself a new-gen Pokémon as well! It’s Dusknoir!

Haseo: *smirk*

Ovan: …Okay…This might be harder than I thought…

[Hayate]

Episode 4 (Part 5 of 6)

*at the house…*

Kite: Okay… I’ll see your 7 Pixi Stix tubes…and raise you 10 Slim Jims! Whatcha got?

Marche: Full House! Read ‘em and weep!

Kite: Damn. That sucks…

Marche: HAH!!! I win!!!

Kite: …for you! ROYAL FLUSH!!!!

Marche: NOOOOO!!!! MY PIXI STIX!!!!! *sobs*

Arkyron: …This is somewhat amusing…

Slade: Hehe… Yeah…

Squall: …But also boring…

Kirby: Yeah… Did you fix the TV yet, Zero?

Zero: I’M WORKIN’ ON IT!!! KEEP YOUR PANTS ON!!!

Atoli: WAAAAAAAAA!!!! I WANNA SEE HASEO!!!!

Hartz: Cheer up, Atoli! You still have me!

Atoli: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!

Roux Kazuki: Goddammit, would someone PLEASE shut this bitch up?!?!?

Sakubo: (Bo) Hey, Atoli, look!!

Atoli: *sniff* …Huh?

*Atoli notices Sakubo holding a plush Haseo doll*

Atoli: *gasp* WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! *grabs Haseo doll and embraces it*

Roux: …Thank God…

Zero: GRAH!!!!! What’s wrong with this piece of crap?!?!?

Dekar: Maybe I could--

Everyone: DON’T DO ANYTHING, YOU EMO BASTARD!!!!!

Dekar: …C.ockbags…

Zero: GAAAAAHHHH!!!! THAT’S IT!!!!! *grabs Marche* YAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! *strikes the TV with Marche’s head*

Aina: *on TV* --Welcome back!

Zero: YES!!!! IT WORKED AGAIN!!!!

Marche: YAY!!! I have purpose!!

Ciege: …I fail to see how that’s scientifically possible…

Destaros: Oh, screw you and your science!!!! We have TV!!!!

Ciege: …Good point…

*in the announcer’s booth…*

Aina: Welcome back! If you’re just now joining us, we’ve just reached the semifinal round of the Pokémon War!!

Voice: That AND if you’re just now joining us, you just missed more than half of the greatest competition to ever hit Mac Anu!!!! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!?

Aina: …A-Anyway, let’s get busy with the first match of the semifinal round: Haseo & Dusknoir VS Ovan & Alakazam!! Ready? …FIGHT!!!

Ovan: Let’s go, Alakazam! Use Confusion!

*Alakazam’s eyes glow bright blue; Dusknoir’s body starts to lift off the ground*

Haseo: Gravity!

*Dusknoir’s eyes glow bright red and Alakazam’s Psychic is cancelled*

Ovan: Tch! (Gravity… A next-gen Pokémon skill…)

Haseo: Good! Now use Shadow Punch!

*Dusknoir fires a fist of dark energy through the air towards Alakazam*

Ovan: Teleport!

*Alakazam narrowly avoids Shadow Punch*

Ovan: Whew… Okay! Psychic attack now!

*Alakazam fires a thin beam of psychic energy at Dusknoir, which strikes; Dusknoir floats aimlessly around the arena, confused*

Haseo: Uh-oh…

Ovan: Nice! Now use Psybeam!

*Alakazam fires a more concentrated beam of psychic energy at Dusknoir*

Haseo: DUSKNOIR! Snap out of it!

*Dusknoir snaps back to reality and dodges the Psybeam*

Haseo: Oh, man… That was too close… Okay! Time to change strategies! Dusknoir, Future Sight!

*Dusknoir’s eyes glow bright gold; Haseo’s eyes glow as well*

Haseo: Now! *draws the Blades of the Abyss*

*Haseo starts to charge at Alakazam*

Ovan: (What could he be planning…?) Alakazam, multiple Psybeams now!

*Alakazam fires three Psybeams at Haseo*

Haseo: Heh! Too slow!

*Haseo swerves left and right of the Psybeams*

Ovan: Tch! *draws Rebirth of Twilight* Alakazam, use Disable to guide my bullets! *fires several bullets at Haseo*

*as the bullets fly at Haseo, Alakazam uses Disable to shroud the bullets in a psychic field*

Haseo: Not good enough!

*Haseo changes direction and starts charging at Ovan, swerving past the bullets in the process*

Ovan: Heh…

Haseo: Hmm? What are you smiling about?

*Haseo turns to his head to see Ovan’s bullets flying at him*

Haseo: AAAHHH!!!!

*Haseo dashes around the arena to avoid the bullets, but they chase him wherever he goes*

Ovan: Keep it up, Alakazam! He’s bound to run out of steam eventually!

Voice: Looks like things are looking pretty dim for Team Haseo-Dusknoir! How’s Haseo gonna get himself out of this one? We’ll find out…right after this commercial!

*at the house…*

Atoli: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

*the windows all crack*

Grey Fox: Damn… Nice lungs, Atoli…

Kite: Ooh… The entire box set of Pokémon Season 7 for just $19.95…

Everyone: WOULD YOU SHUT UP ALREADY, KITE?!?

Kite: …What’d I do?

*in the announcer’s booth…*

Aina: And we’re back! Let’s see how Haseo gets himself out of this sticky situation!

Haseo: (Shit… Everywhere I go, those damn bullets follow…) Dusknoir! Gravity! Full power!

*Dusknoir’s eyes glow bright red; Alakazam and Ovan are suddenly pushed to the ground*

Ovan: Grrrr…

Haseo: *sigh* Good work, Dusknoir! I’ll take it from here! *charges at Ovan*

*Ovan gets to his feet and fends off Haseo’s blades with his bayonet*

Haseo: What’s the matter, Ovan? Feeling short of breath?

Ovan: Tch! If I were you, I’d pay attention to my surroundings!

Haseo: What are you…? *gasps* Dusknoir!

*Haseo turns to see Alakazam dashing at Dusknoir*

Ovan: Extrasensory!

*Alakazam grabs Dusknoir, gazes into his eyes, and sends hypnotic waves into them, confusing Dusknoir*

Haseo: So, you confused Dusknoir again? Big whoop!

Ovan: This is no ordinary confusion, little Haseo. Extrasensory’s effect not only confuses the opponent, but it also decreases their HP bit-by-bit over time. It won’t be long before Dusknoir faints from exhaustion!

Haseo: Grrrr… You bastard!

*Haseo suddenly backs away from Ovan and dashes at Alakazam; suddenly, his back is struck by a bullet*

Haseo: GAH!!!

Ovan: Forget it, Haseo! If you attack me, then Alakazam attacks Dusknoir! If you attack Alakazam, then I attack you from behind!

Haseo: Grrrr… (Looks like I’ve got no choice!) *takes out Gorre’s data sample*

Ovan: Huh? Is that…?

Haseo: DATA ASSIMILATION!!!

Ovan: Wait! Haseo, don’t! It’ll only work if you’re in Avatar form!

*Haseo merges with Gorre’s data*

Haseo: *panting* Ugh… Gah… Urgh… AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

*Haseo suddenly divides into each of his four forms: Twin Blade, Edge Punisher, Flick Reaper, and Sonic Duelist*

Ovan: …

Voice: …

Aina: …

*at the house…*

Everyone: …Whoa…

*the four Haseos all nod at each and go their separate ways; EP Haseo and FR Haseo charge at Ovan, while TB Haseo and SD Haseo charge at Alakazam*

EP/FR Haseo: What’s the matter, Ovan? Seeing double? Hehehehe…

Ovan: Tch! *fires bayonet furiously*

*EP and FR Haseos swerve past Ovan’s gunshots and attack Ovan with their respective weapons*

Ovan: AurZan Bolg!

*Ovan suddenly emits a blinding light, which blinds the two Haseos*

FR Haseo: GAH!!!

EP Haseo: Can’t see!

Ovan: Exactly!

Haseos: Huh?

*all of a sudden, the two Haseos hear a lock being undone, and then they’re struck by black AIDA arms, instantly deleting them; seconds later, the blinding light dissipates as Ovan fastens the lock on his encased arm*

Ovan: Hmph! …Huh?

*Ovan notices Alakazam fending off TB and SD Haseos*

Ovan: Alakazam, Teleport!

*Alakazam teleports into midair, giving Ovan enough room to fire a powerful energy blast from his bayonet*

TB/SD Haseo: Huh?

*the two Haseos and Dusknoir are struck by the blast, sending them flying into the arena wall; TB Haseo vanishes without a trace, leaving only an unconscious Haseo and Dusknoir*

Aina: Both Haseo AND Dusknoir are unable to battle!! The victory goes to Ovan and Alakazam!!

Ovan: *sigh* …Not bad, Haseo. You certainly took me by surprise with your dividing trick.

*at the house…*

Atoli: NOOOOOOOO!!!!! HASEO LOST!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!

*Haseo suddenly appears in the house, falling onto several housemates*

Haseo: …Ow…

*Haseo lifts himself up and looks around*

Haseo: Huh? …Oh, yeah… I lost… Hmm?

*looking further around, Haseo sees the others staring at him*

Haseo: …What are you all looking at? …Huh?

*looking down, Haseo notices that he was directly on top of an unconscious Atoli, his hands touching her breasts*

Haseo: …

Sakubo: …

Kite: …

Ciege: …

Dekar: …

Arkyron: …

Slade: …

Destaros: …

Marche: …

Hartz: …

Grey Fox: …

Kirby: …

Squall: …

Roux Kazuki: …

Zero: …

*Haseo, his eyes widened, suddenly gets to his feet and walks upstairs to his room without saying anything; the other housemates hear the faint sound of a door closing*

Slade: Well… Can’t say I didn’t see that coming…

*Rena and Lawliet appear in the arena*

Rena: So, now it’s us two, huh?

Lawliet: …Looks like…

Rena: Just ‘cuz you’re cute, don’t expect me to go easy on you!

Lawliet: Hmph. Flattery will get you nowhere, girly… Go, Ninetales!

*Lawliet summons Ninetales from her Pokéball*

Rena: Grovyle, go!

*Rena tosses her Pokéball, but instead of summoning Grovyle, she summons Sceptile*

Rena: Aw, sweet!!!

Lawliet: Pffff! Whichever way you look at it, a Grass-type’s still a Grass-type!

Voice: Participants ready? …FIGHT!!!

Rena: *draws broadsword* Let’s do it, Sceptile!

*Rena and Sceptile dash at Lawliet and Ninetales*

Lawliet: *flicks his hair* …Ninetales, Ember…

*Ninetales fires bullets of fire at Rena and Sceptile*

Rena: Nice try!

*Rena runs in front of Sceptile and spins her broadsword swiftly, deflecting the bullets*

Lawliet: Tch!

Rena: Now, Sceptile! Leaf Blade!

*Sceptile jumps and leaps off of Rena’s shoulder, attempting to slash at Lawliet*

Lawliet: Grrrr…

*Lawliet takes out his guitar and strums it, sending waves of sound at Sceptile; Sceptile’s attack is interrupted as he tries to cover his ears*

Rena: AAAAHHHH!!!! Make it stop!!!!

Lawliet: Don’t worry, Rena! It’ll all be over soon! Ninetales, Quick Attack!

*Ninetales rapidly charges into Sceptile, sending him flying into Rena, sending them both flying into the arena wall*

Lawliet: Heh… *flicks his hair*

*seconds later, Rena and Sceptile return to their feet*

Rena: Okay… Time for a new strategy… Sceptile!

*Sceptile prepares to attack; all of a sudden, there’s an explosion on the far end of the arena*

Rena/Lawliet: What the f**k!?

: NOT SO FAST!!!!!

Voice: What the hell is this!?

*the smoke dissipates to reveal three Player Characters dressed up like Team Rocket*

???1: This fight’s been cut short, so prepare for trouble!

???2: We’re running the show now, so make it double!

???3: This is who we are, so listen good!

Rena: …Oh, please, no…

???1: An evil as old as the galaxy!

???2: Sent here to fulfill our destiny!

???3: Say it loud, say it proud!

Lawliet: …This can’t be happening…

???1: To denounce the evils of truth and love!

???2: To extend our reach to the stars above!

???1: Diamond Wolf!

???2: Usagi Waren!

???3: And Terajima Ryoko!

Aina: …You’ve got to be kidding me…

D. Wolf: Wherever there’s peace in the universe…

Usagi: …Team Rocket…

Ryoko: …will be there…

All: TO MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE!!!!!

*at the house…*

All: …

Hartz: …I think I just died a little inside…

*in the announcer’s booth…*

Voice: Who are those guys, and how the hell did they get in here?!?

Aina: …Well, apparently, they’re Team Rocket…

Voice: OH, SHUT UP!!!!

*Diamond Wolf draws his dual pistols; Usagi Waren draws her scythe; Terajima Ryoko draws her chakrams*

Team Rocket: HAND OVER YOUR POKÉMON!!!

Rena/Lawliet: …

Rena: …You wanna do it or should I?

Lawliet: …Allow me… Ninetales, Fire Spin.

Team Rocket: …Uh-oh…

*Ninetales spits a spinning stream of fire at Team Rocket, which sends them flying through the arena wall and into the sky*

Team Rocket: LOOKS LIKE TEAM ROCKET’S BLASTING OFF AGAIN!!!! *ping*

Rena: Now, that was just plain weird… Okay, then! Where were we? Sceptile, use Pursuit!

*Sceptile surges dark energy through his body and dashes at Ninetales*

Lawliet: Ninetales, Mirror Move!

*Ninetales dashes at Sceptile with the same move*

Lawliet: …JUMP NOW!

*mere seconds before the two Pokémon collide, Ninetales leaps over Sceptile*

Lawliet: Heat Wave!

*Ninetales emanates waves of heat at Sceptile below her, which weakens him slightly*

Rena: Sceptile, no!

*Ninetales lands on the ground behind Sceptile*

Lawliet: Now for the secret weapon! BLAST BURN!!!

*Ninetales fires a wide-range stream of fire at Sceptile*

Lawliet: It’s over!!!

Rena: SOLARBEAM!!!!

Lawliet: What!?

*Sceptile counteracts Ninetales’ Blast Burn with a Solarbeam, cancelling each other; Ninetales and Sceptile stare each other down, short of breath*

Lawliet: Heh… I’m surprised you lasted this long, girly…

Rena: What’s the matter, L? Gettin’ worried?

Lawliet: Tch! You wish! Ninetales!

Rena: Sceptile!

Both: QUICK ATTACK!!!!!

*Sceptile dash into each other with Quick Attack, almost instantly knocking them both out*

Rena: Uh!

Lawliet: Tch!

Aina: Looks like we’ve reached a standstill, folks! Both of our participants’ Pokémon are out cold! How do we decide the winner, Voice?

Voice: Like this, Aina… *ahem* I’m thinking of a number between 1 and--

Lawliet: OH, NO, YOU DON’T!!!! We ain’t doing that!! I remember what you did with Kite and Haseo in “Clash of the Housemates”, and I’m not about to be made a fool of!

Voice: *groan* Fine… Then let’s hear what the crowd has to say! How about it, folks?

Crowd: *mixed shouts* Rena! Lawliet! Rena! Lawliet!

Voice: And… ACTION! *snaps fingers*

*Voice projects a poll of the crowd’s shouts – 47% of the crowd cheered for Rena, 53% for Lawliet*

Voice: And there you have it!!! The victory goes to Lawliet!!!

Rena: *drops to her knees* NOOOOO!!!! I WAS SO CLOSE!!!! IF ONLY I HAD JUST 4 MORE PERCENT!!!!

Lawliet: Hmph… *flicks his hair* Ya win some, ya lose some, girly…

Rena: Oh, go to hell, Lawliet!!

*Rena is transported back to the house, while Lawliet stays in the arena*

Voice: Time for the final fight of the semifinal round! But first… *snaps fingers*

*Lawliet and Ninetales’ energy is fully replenished*

Lawliet: Ahhhhhh… Much better…

*Endrance and Glaceon appear in the arena*

Endrance: Heh… Looks like I’m next…

Lawliet: Hmph…

*suddenly, Lawliet raises three fingers at Endrance*

Endrance: Hmm?

Lawliet: Three minutes… That’s all I need to kick your Pokémon’s ass!

Aina: Ooh… Sounds like Lawliet’s confidence has skyrocketed. Is this fight really gonna last only three minutes? Let’s watch and see!

Voice: Participants ready? …FIGHT!!!

Endrance: Go, Glaceon! Let’s kick-start this match with Blizzard!

*Glaceon conjures a snowstorm that blows fiercely through the arena*

Endrance: You know what they say, Lawliet… If you can’t stand the cold, get out of the freezer!

Lawliet: …Fire Spin!

*Ninetales’ spinning flames dissipate the blizzard instantly, revealing Glaceon*

Endrance: Uh-oh!

Lawliet: Blast Burn!

*Ninetales fires a wide-range stream of fire at Glaceon*

Endrance: Mirror Coat!

*Glaceon projects a reflective wall, returning Blast Burn at Ninetales*

Lawliet: *smirk*

*Blast Burn strikes Ninetales*

Endrance: Yes! I win!

Lawliet: Yeah, you’d think that, wouldn’t you?

Endrance: Huh!?

*the flames disperse, revealing an unaffected Ninetales*

Lawliet: Endrance… Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten Ninetales’ Flash Fire ability already…

Endrance: …Flash Fire? Uh…

*Charizard blasts Ninetales with a stream of flames, which has no effect*

Destaros: Hey!!! What gives?!?

Lawliet: …Mirror Move…

*Ninetales blasts Charizard with a powerful stream of fire that deals a lot of damage*

Destaros: Dammit!! What the hell’s going on here?!?

Lawliet: …Heh…You haven’t figured it out yet?

Destaros: Huh? Figured what out?

Lawliet: It’s Flash Fire, Ninetales’ special ability. Whenever Ninetales is hit with a Fire-based attack, some of that attack’s damage is negated and Ninetales’ attack power increases.

Endrance: …Aw, crap…

Lawliet: Ninetales, Blast Burn one more time!

*Ninetales fires a stronger wide-range stream of fire at Glaceon*

Endrance: Ah, jeez! MIRROR COAT!

*Glaceon projects another reflective wall, but Blast Burn breaks through it, scorching Glaceon to a crisp*

Endrance: GLACEON!!!!

*from the intense heat, Glaceon passes out*

Lawliet: TIME!!!

*in the announcer’s booth, Aina stops the timer*

Aina: I… I don’t believe it! It’s been exactly 2 minutes and 59 seconds since the fight started! Lawliet does it again!!!

Voice: UNBELIEVABLE! Lawliet wins two matches in a row, instantly earning him a spot in the final round!!!

Lawliet: *flicks his hair* …As if there were any doubt…

*the crowd cheers extra-loudly for Lawliet; Endrance is warped to the house*

Endrance: Dammit… Can’t believe I lost… Huh?

*Endrance sees everyone watching TV, ignoring the fact that Atoli was unconscious*

Endrance: …What’s up with Atoli?

Squall: …Haseo fell on her…

Endrance: …Never mind. I don’t wanna know.

*suddenly, the TV goes out again*

Zero: GODDAMMIT!!!! …Marche, get over here!

Marche: YAY!!!

[Hayate]

Episode 4 (Part 6 of 6)

Rena: …Is it fixed yet?

Zero: KEEP YOUR PANTIES ON, GIRL!!! I’M WORKIN’ ON IT!!! *hits TV with Marche’s head*

Rena: *eye twitch* I’m gonna forget about that “panties” crack if you manage to fix the TV…

Zero: C’mon, you piece of shit! Work!

Kirby: Ooh… Marche, doesn’t that hurt?

Marche: Doesn’t what hurt?

Kirby: …Never mind…

Arkyron: I have an idea! *puts hand on TV* …

Everyone: …

Arkyron: …BY THE POWER AND OF TRI-EDGE, I COMMAND YOU TO-- *is hit in the head with a brick*

Kite: That’s better…

Ciege: Where’d you get that brick, Kite…?

Kite: Nowhere important. On a side note, the basement caved in…

Ciege: Uh… Okay…

Hartz: WAKE UP!!! *splashes water onto Atoli* …DAMMIT!! Nothing’s working!!

Roux Kazuki: Damn… Out like a light…

Endrance: Stand aside. *kneels down and whispers into Atoli’s ear*

Atoli: …WHAT?!?!?

Everyone: …What’d you tell her?

Endrance: *smirk* That Haseo was making out with Tabby.

Atoli: Lemme at her!! I’ll “Innis” her ass!!!

Destaros: …That was just evil…

Endrance: I try.

Squall: …Is Haseo still upstairs…?

Slade: Yup. What do you think he’s doing up there?

Haseo: *screaming from his room* UNCLEAN!!!! MUST PURGE SELF OF TAINT!!!!

Sakubo: (Saku) …Does that answer your question?

Voice: *on TV* Welcome back, WTF buffs!

Zero: …YES!!! I FIXED IT!!!

Grey Fox: It’s about damn time!

Rena: You think we should untie Dekar now?

*Dekar is shown gagged and bound to a chair; Rena removes his mouth gag*

Dekar: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?!? All I did was suggest using my necromancy to fix the TV!! Is that so wrong!?

Kirby: Sorry, Dekar. We can’t take any chances.

Dekar: You guys are all a bunch of c.ockbags!!

Kite: Shhhh! TV!

*in the announcer’s booth…*

Voice: *on TV* Welcome back, WTF buffs! It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for! The ever-awaited…FINAL ROUND!!!

*crowd cheers loudly*

Aina: As if it weren’t already obvious, let’s see who’ll be duking it out in the last match! *snaps fingers*

Aina: …Wow, I didn’t know I could do that… Oh, well! Let’s greet our finalists, shall we?

*Ovan and Lawliet appear in the arena alongside their Pokémon*

Lawliet: Heh… Made it to the final round just like last time…

Ovan: Hmph… So it appears…

Lawliet: What’s with you? I thought you’d be more excited than this.

Ovan: I am excited. In fact, I’m positively ecstatic.

Lawliet: …You and I have different definitions of the word “ecstatic”, buddy… Hmm… Hey, Ovan? Let’s make a little wager…

Ovan: Hmm? A wager?

Lawliet: Yeah. If I win this match, you have to get me a date with your sister Aina! If I lose, then I’ll leave her alone.

Ovan: …I’m not treating my sister like a trophy, Lawliet…

Lawliet: Aw, c’mon! What are you, chicken!? Afraid you’ll lose!? Afraid that if I win, I’ll have my way with your baby sister!?

Ovan: (Actually, that’s exactly what I’m afraid of…) *looks up at Aina*

Aina: …

Ovan: …Alright, Lawliet. You have a deal.

Lawliet: YES!!!!

Ovan: HOWEVER!!!

Lawliet: Huh…?

Ovan: I’ll allow a simple date. Any rough stuff… *loads bayonet* …and I’ll turn you into Swiss cheese!

Lawliet: Aw, c’mon, Ovan! You know me! I’m a complete gentleman when it comes to ladies!

Ovan: …I wonder…

Voice: Okay then! Without further ado, let’s begin the final round of the Poké-War!!! Finalists, ready? …FIGHT!!!!!

Ovan: Let’s do it, Alakazam! Start off with Teleport!

*Alakazam vanishes*

Lawliet: Hmm…

*silence…*

Lawliet: …There! Ninetales, fire Ember behind you! 50 degrees up!

*Ninetales fires bullets of fire into the air behind her; as soon as Alakazam reappears, he’s struck by the bullets*

Lawliet: Gotcha!

Ovan: Grrrr… Teleport again!

*Alakazam vanishes again*

Lawliet: Hmm… Ember, Ninetales! 60 degrees up, 30 degrees left!

*Ninetales does what Lawliet commands and strikes Alakazam just as he reappears*

Lawliet: Yeah! Direct hit!

Ovan: Tch! (Lawliet must’ve seen Teleport so many times, he’s able to predict where Alakazam’s gonna appear…)

Lawliet: Come on, Ovan! You can do better than that!

Ovan: I intend to! Teleport again!

*Alakazam vanishes again*

Lawliet: *sigh* Not this again… Hmm… Ninetales, fire Ember straight up!

*Ninetales fires Ember straight up and hits Alakazam as he reappears*

Lawliet: It’s no use, Ovan!

Ovan: *smirk* Oh, really?

*suddenly, the Alakazam in the air vanishes and Ninetales is struck by a Psybeam from behind*

Lawliet: What the hell!?!?

*Alakazam is shown to have fired the Psybeam*

Lawliet: How the hell did you do that!?

Ovan: Easy. The Alakazam you fired at was actually an illusion from Alakazam’s Double Team. Once your attention was diverted, Alakazam fired Psybeam at Ninetales while her guard was completely down.

Lawliet: Wait… How the hell did Alakazam use Double Team AND Psybeam without you saying anything!?

Ovan: I share a deep connection with my Pokémon. I don’t need to call out any commands to Alakazam.

Lawliet: Who do you think you are - Ash f**king Ketchum?!?

Ovan: No need to let your anger get the better of you, L.

Lawliet: Grrrr… Ninetales, Mimic!

*Ninetales stares at Alakazam with her eyes glowing bright gold*

Lawliet: (Come on… Come on…)

*the glow in Ninetales’ eyes dimmer; Ninetales suddenly vanishes*

Lawliet: YES!!

Voice: Ooh! Looks like Lawliet turned it around and copied Alakazam’s Teleport!

*Ninetales reappears behind Alakazam*

Lawliet: Fire Spin!

*Ninetales fires a spinning stream of flames at Alakazam’s rear; Alakazam spins around and stops Fire Spin with Disable*

Ovan: Good, Alakazam! Now redirect Fire Spin…at Lawliet!

*Alakazam deflects the spinning flames and redirects them at Lawliet*

Lawliet: Oh, crap!

*Lawliet takes out his guitar and dissipates the flames with a wave of sound*

Lawliet: Whew… That was too close… Okay! New tactic!

*Lawliet strums his guitar to blanket the whole arena with sound; Ovan and Alakazam shield their ears*

Ovan: OH, GOD!!! IT’S LIKE A THOUSAND NAILS SCRATCHING ON THE BLACKBOARD OF MY MIND!!!

Lawliet: (Now’s my chance!) Ninetales, Quick Attack!

*Ninetales dashes at Alakazam at full speed; Alakazam unshields his ears and the spoons in his hands start to glow*

Lawliet: Uh-oh! Ninetales, use--

*all of a sudden, Ninetales generates a Ninetales doll for Alakazam to use Confusion on*

Lawliet: Huh!?

Aina: Well, this is unexpected! Ninetales just used Substitute and faked Alakazam out!

Lawliet: Whoa… (That’s so weird… I was just about to tell Ninetales to use Substitute…)

Ovan: I guess you share a connection with Ninetales deeper than you thought, don’t you, Lawliet? Hehehe…

Lawliet: Oh, don’t give me that! …Ninetales!

*Ninetales dashes around the arena, avoiding Alakazam’s Confusion with Substitute after Substitute*

Lawliet: Damn… I can’t keep this up forever… Wait! I know! Ninetales!

*Ninetales stops using Substitute and emanates waves of heat at Alakazam with Heat Wave, interrupting his Confusion attack*

Lawliet: Hehehe…

Ovan: *smirk*

Lawliet: Oh, don’t give me that look!

Ovan: What look?

Lawliet: Pffff! Whatever, man! Ninetales, use Body Slam!

*Ninetales jumps into the air and prepares to fall onto Alakazam*

Ovan: Alakazam!

*milliseconds before the Body Slam lands, Alakazam stops Ninetales’ body in midair with Confusion*

Lawliet: Eeeep!

*Alakazam suddenly sends Ninetales flying towards the arena wall*

Lawliet: Flamethrower!

*Ninetales spits a long stream of fire at the arena wall, slowing down her “flight”; once slowed down enough, Ninetales lands safely on the ground*

Lawliet: Whew…

Aina: Wow! This fight just gets better and better! With Lawliet and Ovan countering move after move, we’ve reached a complete stalemate!

Voice: I think now’s a good time to take a brief intermission so our finalists can catch a breather! We’ll be right back, folks!

*at the house…*

Arkyron: Ovan or Lawliet?!? Taking all bets!!!

Grey Fox: 500 on Ovan!

Hartz: 700 on Ovan!!

Ciege: 1200 on Ovan!!!

Kite: 10,000 ON OVAN!!!!!

Everyone: 0.o

Endrance: Are you sure about this, Kite? So far, you’ve lost bets 2,873 times in a row…

Kite: Yeah, but I’ve got a good feeling about this one!

Endrance: *sweatdrop* (That’s what you said last time…)

*upstairs…*

Rena: Hey, Haseo? Are you comin’ out or what?

Sakubo: (Bo) Yeah! You’re missing all the action!

Haseo: NO!!!! I HAVEN’T BEEN PURIFIED YET!!!!

Roux Kazuki: Great… As if listening to My Chemical Romance hasn’t made him emo enough…

Haseo: LET THE CLEANSING BEGIN!!!!!

Squall: …That’s it…Kirby, get rid of the door…

Kirby: On it! *inhales the door*

*inside the room, several candles and a steam machine are seen*

Everyone: …

Haseo: …What?

Everyone: GET YOUR ASS DOWNSTAIRS!!!!!

Haseo: Eeeep!

*Haseo and the others walk down the stairs*

Haseo: So… What’d I miss?

Atoli: HASEO!!!! *glomps Haseo*

Haseo: *sigh* Well… It was good while it lasted…

Atoli: C’mon! Let’s go watch TV together! *skips towards the couch*

Haseo: *to Slade* So… She doesn’t remember?

Slade: Nope. Not a thing. She’s as clueless as Marche.

Haseo: …Good enough.

*Marche walks in from the kitchen*

Slade: …Speaking of which…

Marche: I got the snacks!!! *trips over the remote*

*the snacks and drinks all spill over Dekar, Destaros, and Zero*

Dekar: *eye twitch*

Zero: …Marche…?

Marche: Uh… Yeah?

*Dekar draws his scythe; Zero draws his bayonet*

Dekar/Zero: …Run…

Marche: *gulp* *runs away*

Dekar: GET BACK HERE, YOU SONUVABITCH!!!!!

Zero: YOU OWE ME 5000 GP FOR DRY-CLEANING!!!!!

Marche: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Destaros: … *eats a popcorn that was in his hair* …Mmm. Buttery.

*in the announcer’s booth…*

Voice: AAAAAAAAND we’re back! Let’s not waste any time and continue the final match!

*Lawliet and Ovan stare each other down*

Aina: Finalists ready? …RESUME!!!

Ovan: Double Team!

*illusions of Alakazam circle around Ninetales*

Lawliet: Hmm… Ninetales, Ember all around!

*Ninetales spins itself around and around, firing bullets of fire; eventually, the real Alakazam is struck*

Lawliet: Found you! Ninetales, Blast Burn!

*Ninetales fires a wide-range stream of fire at Alakazam*

Ovan: Reflect!

*Alakazam erects a protective wall that returns Blast Burn to Ninetales*

Lawliet: Big mistake, Ovan!

*Blast Burn strikes Ninetales, strengthening her due to Flash Fire*

Lawliet: Okay, Ninetales! Blast Burn once more!

*Ninetales fires a stronger wide-range stream of fire at Alakazam*

Ovan: Reflect again!

*Alakazam returns Blast Burn to Ninetales a second time*

Lawliet: Oh, come on!

*Blast Burn strikes Ninetales, strengthening her even more*

Lawliet: You have to attack some time, Ovan! Blast Burn again!

*Ovan and Lawliet cycle through Blast Burn and Reflect for 45 more seconds*

Lawliet: *yawn* It’s no good, Ovan! You can Reflect all you want, but it won’t do you any good! Blast Burn, Ninetales!

*Ninetales fires a super-powerful Blast Burn at Alakazam*

Ovan: *smirk* Reflect!

*Alakazam returns Blast Burn to Ninetales yet again, strengthening Ninetales further*

Lawliet: You see!? Blast Burn again, Ninetales!

*Ninetales prepares to fire Blast Burn again…*

Ovan: …Okay, this should do!

*Ovan motions his arm a certain way, causing a blue glyph to appear underneath Ninetales*

Lawliet: Huh!? What is that!?

Ovan: PhaRue Kruz!!!!!

*a gigantic geyser of water washes over Ninetales*

Lawliet: NINETALES!!!!

*as the water dissipates, Ninetales is shown greatly weakened*

Lawliet: Grrrr… Ovan, what’d you do?!? How the hell did you create a PhaRue Kruz that big?!?!?

Ovan: Well, I didn’t pull it off alone… I had assistance…

Lawliet: Assistance!? From who!?

Ovan: Hehehe… From you, of course…

Lawliet: ME?!?!? I didn’t do anything!!!

Ovan: On the contrary, my dear Lawliet. By using Blast Burn over and over, I was able to use that time to gather my magical energy. Additionally, by letting Ninetales get hit by Blast Burn, you pushed her to the very limit of her power. So, by the time I used my spell, it was powerful because Ninetales had all of that Fire-based strength built up inside.

Lawliet: *eye twitch* You son of a…

Ovan: Yes, indeed. I couldn’t have pulled off that attack without you, Lawliet.

Lawliet: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!! NINETALES!!!!!

*Ninetales struggles, but manages to get to her feet*

Lawliet: FIRE BLAST!!!!![/size]

*Ninetales fires the most powerful Fire-based Pokémon attack at Alakazam*

Ovan: (Damn!! That’s too powerful to Reflect!! And Alakazam’s exhausted!! No choice…)

*the Fire Blast connects with its supposed target and explodes*

Lawliet: Gotcha! …Huh?

*the smoke disperses, revealing that Ovan had taken the blast instead of Alakazam*

Lawliet: O…Ovan?!? …Huh? W-Where’s Alakazam?

Ovan: *holding Alakazam’s Pokéball* Safe…inside his…Pokéball…

Lawliet: I don’t get it… Why would you take the hit for your Pokémon? And besides from that, recalling your Pokémon to its Pokéball during the match counts as an immediate surrender…

Ovan: I guess…*cough* Like yourself…my connection…with my Pokémon…is deeper…than I thought…

Lawliet: …

*Ovan falls over and passes out suddenly*

Voice: IT’S OVER!!! IT’S FINALLY OVER!!! OVAN IS UNABLE TO BATTLE!!! THE WINNER AND CHAMPION OF THE POKÉ-WAR IS……LAWLIET!!!!!!!

*crowd cheers their loudest*

Aina: *wipes tears away* (It’s okay, brother… I don’t care of you lost… You put up a good fight…)

*at the house…*

Grey Fox: NO!!!!!

Hartz: IT’S NOT FAIR!!!!!

Ciege: I GOT RIPPED OFF!!!!!

Kite: …

Endrance: Well… I hate to say “I told you so”, but-- *is suddenly stabbed by one of Kite’s Twin Fangs of the Abyss* GAH!!!!

Kite: …I…really…hate…this…house…

*minutes later…*

Voice: Lawliet… For conquering all odds and besting all of your opponents in battle, it is with great honor that I present to you the Grand Pokémon War Cup!

*crowd cheers as Voice hands Lawliet the trophy*

Lawliet: Heh… Sweet…

Voice: AND!!! As per the conditions of the bet made between you and Ovan, you’re now able to take the young, sweet Aina on a date!

Lawliet: Heh… Sweeter…

*Aina walks up to Lawliet*

Lawliet: *bows courteously* If milady wishes it so, I’d be most honored to take her on a date tonight…

Ovan: *cough* Womanizer… *cough*

Lawliet: Shut up…!

Aina: Well… I guess one date is okay…

Lawliet: (Jackpot!)

*crowd cheers loudly; girls in the crowd cry their eyes out; Voice and Ovan warp to the house*

Grey Fox: LOSER!!!

Hartz: QUITTER!!!

Ciege: HOW COULD YOU LOSE?!?!?

Ovan: *sweatdrop*

Voice: Don’t worry, Ovan! Those greetings just mean they love you!

Ovan: …Go to hell, Voice…

Voice: Already there, Ovan! *snaps fingers*

*Voice creates a display for Lawliet’s Poké-War trophy, along with a plaque reading “Lawliet: Poké-War Champion”*

Voice: Yeah. That’ll do. *vanishes*

Atoli/Marche: *looking at the trophy* Ooh… Shiny…

Rena: Still can’t believe Lawliet won… This goes against everything I believe in!!!

Haseo: Speaking of Lawliet, where is he? I was sure he’d come back with you to rub his victory in our faces…

Ovan: He’s on a date with Aina.

Everyone: Oh. ………A DATE!?!?!? WITH AINA?!?!?!?!?

Arkyron: You sure that was a good idea?

Ovan: Oh, don’t worry… *loads bayonet* I’m pretty he remembers what I warned him about…

Everyone: …

Ovan: …

Everyone: …VOICE!!!!

*one hour later…; Lawliet and Aina are seen walking through the streets of Mac Anu*

Lawliet: So, you havin’ fun?

Aina: Surprisingly, yeah. I’m having a lot of fun.

Lawliet: Hehehe…

*Lawliet and Aina walk past a man sitting on a bench, whose face is shielded by newspaper; as Lawliet and Aina walk away, the man moves his newspaper*

Haseo: Master O! The music man is in the concert hall! I repeat, the music man is in the concert hall!

Ovan: Haseo, would you speak English please?!?

Haseo: Hehe… Sorry.

Ovan: What’s Lawliet’s position?

Haseo: He and Aina just entered the Harbor. No suspicious activity so far.

Ovan: Do you have a visual, Slade?

*Slade gazes down at Lawliet and Aina from a rooftop*

Slade: I have a visual. Lawliet and Aina are boarding the boat to Hy Brasail.

Ovan: Roger that. You ready, Hartz?

*Hartz is shown on top of the monument in the Central District wearing a jetpack*

Hartz: Ovan, tell me again why I’m doing this…

Ovan: If Lawliet does anything to my little sister, I could never forgive myself. So we have to stop him if he tries anything funny.

Hartz: *sigh* I can’t believe I agreed to do this…

*Hartz takes off into the sky and follows the boat*

Hartz: ETA 3 minutes before the boat reaches the Hy Brasail port. Kite, Atoli, they’re headed your way.

Kite: Got it, Hartz. You ready on your end, Atoli?

Atoli: Hahahaha! This is fun!

Kite: Focus, Atoli, focus!!!

Atoli: Hehe… Sorry. I’m ready.

Ovan: And you, Roux?

*Roux Kazuki is shown in the place of the statue on the pedestal on the east side of Hy Brasail*

Roux Kazuki: …

Ovan: Roux, are you standing by?

Roux Kazuki: …

Ovan: Roux!

Roux Kazuki: …Why did I have to be the damn statue?

Ovan: DO YOU SEE LAWLIET AND AINA OR NOT!?!?

Roux Kazuki: Yeah, I see ‘em… They’re in the shaded patio right now.

Ovan: What do you see?

Roux Kazuki: Hmm… They seem to be looking at the moon… Nothing unusual about that…

Haseo: You know what? I’m beginning to think this was a waste of time…

Hartz: Ditto…

Ovan: Now’s not the time to be thinking about Pokémon, Hartz!!!

Hartz: …Ovan, remind me to kick your ass later…

Ovan: *sigh* Let’s just head back to--

Roux Kazuki: Wait! Something’s happening!

Ovan: Really!? What!?

Roux Kazuki: Lawliet’s looking at Aina… He’s putting his hands on her… He’s moving in!!

Ovan: All hands move now!! Go, go, go!!!!

*as Lawliet moves closer to Aina, a bright light is suddenly shined on them; the housemates all draw their weapons, ready to attack*

Ovan: Step away from the girl, you sex-driven animal!!!

Lawliet: Ovan!!!! What the hell do you think you’re doing?!?!?

Ovan: What do I think I’M doing?!? What do you think YOU’RE doing?!?!? About to have your way with my little sister, it looks like!!!

Lawliet: Are you outta your mind?!?!?

Aina: Lawliet was about to kiss me, brother! That’s all!

Ovan: …Kiss…?

Haseo: *tosses scythe to the ground in anger* I knew it! I knew this was a waste of time!

Squall: …How lame…

*the housemates all take the boat back to Mac Anu, leaving Lawliet, Aina, and Ovan*

Lawliet: Grrrr… Ovan…

Ovan: Uh… Hehehehe… It was just a misunderstanding, Lawliet… Pretty funny, huh? Hehehehe…

Lawliet: Grrrr… *draws guitar*

Ovan: …This might hurt…