.hax//WTF Season 4

[Hayate]

*in the control room…*

Voice: Well, well, well! One cutie leaves, another cutie enters! And on top of that, she has history with Haseo and Ovan! This show keeps getting better and better!

Exec 1: Hmm… That girl looks familiar…

Exec 2: You say that about every girl you see! Maybe you “did it” with her in a past life or something…

Exec 1: Maybe…… Wait, what!?!?

Exec 2: I’m just sayin’!

Exec 1: Well, stop “sayin’” and start shutting the f**k up!!

Exec 2: Hmph!

Exec 1: Hmm… Wait, now I remember! …Uh-oh…

Voice: “Uh-oh”? What “uh-oh”?

Exec 1: Voice! Get rid of that girl! She’s trouble!

Voice: Trouble? What kind of trouble?

Exec 1: Trust me… She’s bad news… She’ll only bring us bad ratings…

Voice: Hah! There’s no such thing as bad ratings on this show!! Well, time to greet the new bitch! *vanishes*

Exec 1: I have a bad feeling about this…

Exec 2: Yeah, that’s what she said! *snickers*

Exec 1: …

Exec 2: …

Exec 1: … *takes out Flick Reaper scythe*

Exec 2: Uh-oh…

Season 4 Prologue

*the Voice appears in the mansion living room, where everyone was assembled*

Voice: Hello, bitches!! Ah! I see we have a new recruit!

Tabby; Hi there! I’m Tabby!

Haseo: Get over yourself, Voice! You knew this would happen!

Voice: On the contrary, my dear Haseo…

Lawliet: You mean you DIDN’T foresee this chick coming here?

Tabby: Hey! I have a name, you know! It’s Tabby!

Lawliet: Hey! No one here gives a f**k!!

Tabby: Waaah!! Haseo, that guy’s being mean to me! *grabs Haseo’s left arm*

Atoli: Hey! What’re you doing!? Haseo’s mine!! *grabs Haseo’s right arm*

Tabby: Let go!

Atoli: YOU let go!

Haseo: (If I’m lucky, these two will split me in half…)

Voice: Yeah… Anyway, this season, we’re gonna do things a little differently… Instead of the standard 7 episodes, we’re gonna do 10! Each of them centered around one housemate!!

Kite: YES!! Finally, it’s my turn to shine in the limelight!!

Endrance: Yeah… Either that, or you’ll be killed off like everyone else… My money’s on the latter…

Kite: You wanna feel this bracelet, pretty-boy!? ‘Cuz I’ll Data Drain you from here to Fort Ouph!

Destaros: So, who’s gonna get to bask in the spotlight this season?

Voice: That, my dear Destaros, is a surprise…!

Dekar: Tch! Such surprises are no match for the all-seeing eyes of Dekar, the Necromancer!!

Slade: …You mean “emomancer”…

Dekar: *ahem* “Haseo gazes at Ovan from afar, longing to be in his arms…”

Slade: MY FICCIE!!! HAND IT OVER!!

Haseo: DUDE!!!! Are you writing a yaoi fanfic about me!?!?

Ovan: That was a rather…disturbing image…

Slade: YOU’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME!!!! *runs to his room*

Arkyron: And he calls Dekar “emo”…

Voice: Anyway, before I leave you, I have just this one little tidbit about the next episode… The one with flesh most soft shall reveal himself when the hour reaches its peak.

Everyone: …

Hartz: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN!?!?!

Grey Fox: Maybe it’s a clue about who the next episode is about?

Marche: Flesh most soft… *gasp* I know! It’s Atoli!!

Everyone: …

Marche: …‘cuz…she has…soft skin?

Haseo: I’m not even gonna ask how you know that…

Lawliet: Well, naturally, the next episode’s about me… *smiles handsomely in the camera* Hello, ladies…

*female screams echo through Mac Anu*

Lawliet: Heh… I’m too sexy for my sexy…

Ciege: KABONG!!!

*Ciege whacks Lawliet in the head with Lawliet’s guitar*

Lawliet: *dizzy* The album comes on February 9th… *passes out*

Ciege: I’ve always wanted to do that!!

Voice: Well, I’ll just leave you to figure that out… Later, bitches! *vanishes*

Tabby: Bye!! Now then… YOU Let go!

Atoli: YOU LET GO!!!

Tabby: NO, YOU!!!!

Haseo: (I wonder if we have any suicide pills left…)

Ovan: Hmm… “The one with flesh most soft shall be revealed when the hour reaches its peak.” What could that mean?

Grey Fox: Let’s see… An hour reaches its peak at 59 minutes, doesn’t it?

Destaros: It’s 4:37. Does that mean we have to wait until 4:59?

Ovan: Possibly…

Arkyron: Sounds simple enough! While we wait, who’s up for a duel!?

Atoli: I AM!!

Tabby: (Yes! Now Haseo’s all mine!)

Arkyron: Hell no, Atoli!! I don’t know how, but you cheat!!

Atoli: No, I don’t!

Arkyron: Hmm… SAKUBO!!! I challenge you!!

Sakubo: (Bo) Ha! I accept your challenge! *twitch* (Saku) Bo, you nerd! You still play that stupid game?! *twitch* (Bo) It’s not stupid!! *twitch* (Saku) Yes, it is!! (Bo) NO, IT’S NOT!!

Arkyron: Uh… Never mind… Dekar! How about you?

Dekar: Please! I have better things to do than play a pointless card game…

Kite: …Like slit your wrists?

Dekar: I HEARD THAT!!!

Ciege: I’ll duel you, Arkyron!!

Lawliet: …Ciege…!

Ciege: *gulp* Uh-oh…

Lawliet: RAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWR!!!!!!!!

Ciege: Oh, f**k!! *runs away*

Lawliet: *grabs his guitar* KNOCK OUT THE FIERY MUSICIAN, HUH?!? YOUR ASS IS FIREWOOD!!!

*20 minutes later…*

Haseo: Flesh most soft… Gah!! I still can’t figure it out!! And there are two minutes!!

Atoli: Relax, Haseo! The Voice never said we had to figure out the riddle before 4:59!

Haseo: Yeah, I know… By the way, Atoli…

Atoli: *hopeful* Yes?

Haseo: …WHEN ARE YOU GONNA LET GO OF MY F**KING ARM!?!?!?

Atoli: As soon as that cat-girl lets go first!!

Tabby: Fat chance, blondie!!

Marche: Boy… Haseo sure is lucky…

Hartz: You call that luck? I call it torment…

Marche: It’s not fair!! How come Haseo gets all the girls!?!?

Grey Fox: It’s the “bad-boy effect”. Girls always go for the laidback, angsty types…

Marche: Just you wait! One of these days, I’m gonna have a harem of my very own, with tons of girls!! …I can just see it now…

*Marche’s imagination: dozens of girls all smother Marche*

Girls: Master Marche!! Oh, Master Marche!!

Marche: Ahh… It’s good to be irresistible…

*outside of Marche’s mind, Marche begins to drool*

Marche: Hehehehe…

Grey Fox: Oh, great… He’s drooling again…

Hartz: *sigh* I’ll get the bat…

*Haseo looks at the clock; it reads 4:58 and 50 seconds*

Haseo: Ten seconds left… You think the Voice was serious about some dude with soft skin?

Ovan: If I know the Voice as well as I think I do, he shouldn’t be underestimated…

Haseo: …Yeah…

*the clock finally reads 4:59*

Haseo: …Well?

Destaros: …Nothing happened… No one came…

Arkyron: Well, that was lame!

*Arkyron drops himself onto the couch and sighs*

Arkyron: I guess the Voice lied… Tch! Big surprise…

*Arkyron lays his head back and his eyes meet the ceiling*

Arkyron: …Huh? Hey, guys… How long that been there?

*Arkyron turns everyone’s attention to a giant pink blob on the ceiling*

Dekar: What the hell is that?

*Kite scrapes the pink blob off the ceiling with his scythe; it makes a squishy sound as it hits the floor*

Kite: Looks like something someone crapped out after swallowing too much bubblegum…

Endrance: Thanks for that disturbing image, Kite…

Hartz: …Poke it with something…

*Ovan pokes the pink blob with his bayonet and it starts to move*

Atoli: AAAAHHHH!!!! It moved!!!

*the pink blob starts to squirm around until a face finally visible*

Everyone: *gasp*

Ovan: Oh, my god! It’s Kirby!

Haseo: Didn’t Lawliet kill him in season 1?

Dekar: He did… Kirby’s flesh must’ve been so malleable that most of Lawliet’s attacks had no effect…

Marche: How long has he been up there!?

Endrance: Let’s see… 3 seasons… 7 episodes per season… Carry the 2… He’s been up there for 16 episodes!

Destaros: Damn…

*Lawliet suddenly walks in with a bloody guitar*

Lawliet: What’s everybody staring at? Hmm? …Hey, look! It’s Kirby!

*Kirby’s eyes slowly open*

Kirby: …

*Kirby looks up at the housemates; his eyes open widely when he sees Lawliet’s face*

Kirby: GRRRRAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

*Kirby suddenly swallows Lawliet whole*

Lawliet: AAAAAHHHH!!!! GET ‘IM OFF OF ME!!!!

Everyone: …

Arkyron: …He’s alive!! It’s a miracle!! PRAISE TRI-EDGE!!!

[Hayate]

*Lawliet stands next to “Lawliet-Kirby”; each of them holds a guitar in their hands*

Lawliet: …This is awkward…

Ciege: …It’s the end of the world!!

Season 4, Episode 1

Haseo: I’m perplexed that Kirby was up there for so long, and I’m surprised he’s even still alive…

Tabby: Haseo! That’s Sakisaka’s catchphrase!

Haseo: Sakisaka can go to hell!!!

Kirby: Hungry… Need food…

Lawliet: You just swallowed me whole!!

Kirby: Not enough filling…

Slade: Oh! Burn!

Lawliet: Watch it, yaoi-boy!

Kirby: HUNGRY!!!

Arkyron: For the love of god, someone get this guy some food before he swallows someone else!

Marche: I’m on it!!

*Marche dashes into the kitchen and grabs food; he runs back into the living room but trips, dropping all of the food on Ovan*

Ovan: Gah! Way to go, you clumsy idiot!

Kirby: …

Ovan: Kirby… Why are you looking at me like that?

Kirby: FOOD!!!

Ovan: OH, GOD, NO!!!!

*Kirby swallows Ovan whole, assimilating his powers; Ovan magically reappears outside of Kirby*

Ovan: Oh, man… The things I’ve seen…

Kirby: Ahhh… Huh? Oh, great! Now I’m a blue-haired puffball!!

Tabby: *gasp* So cute!!!! He looks just like my Grunty friend from the Brigade!!

*Tabby tightly embraces Kirby in her bosom*

Tabby: Awww!

Kirby: (Actually… I could get used to this…)

Haseo: Well… That takes care of one problem…

Atoli: Wow!! He is cute!!

Haseo: …FINALLY!!! PRAISE TRI-EDGE!!! …Oh, wait…

*hours later, Dekar is in his room meditating*

Dekar: Om… Om…

Kirby: …What you doing?

Dekar: AAAAHHHH!!!! Kirby!! What the F**K do you want!?

Kirby: Necromancy’s cool. I wanna learn.

Dekar: Oh, really? Well, necromancy takes months of study and practice. You’d have to be willing to give up much of your time to the ways of the necromancer.

Kirby: Yeah, I could do that… Or…

Dekar: …Oh, no…

Destaros: Hey, Dekar. What’s with all the noise? Huh…?

*meanwhile, in the living room, Sakubo holds Endrance in a tight hug*

Endrance: …Let go…

Sakubo: (Saku) No!

Endrance: …Let go…

Sakubo: (Saku) No!

Endrance: …Let go…

Sakubo: (Saku) No!

Endrance: (Patience, Endrance… In just a few seconds, she’ll turn into Bo…)

Hartz: Uh, Endrance…?

Endrance: Yeah?

Hartz: You know Sakubo’s been Saku for 5 hours straight, right?

Endrance: …SOMEONE GET THE JAWS OF LIFE!!!

Grey Fox: …Hey, do you guys hear something?

*Destaros suddenly comes dashing down the stairs*

Destaros: THERE’S TWO OF THEM NOW!!! IT’S THE ATTACK OF THE EMOMANCERS!!! RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!

Grey Fox: …That was weird…

*hours later, Kite is looking over the cliff side*

Kite: *deep breath* I HATE THIS DAMN HOUSE!!!! *sigh* That felt good…

*Lawliet looks at him from afar*

Lawliet: Hehe… And this is gonna feel so much better… Hey, Kirby! Come here a minute!

*Kirby waddles over to Lawliet*

Kirby: What?

Lawliet: Go over to Kite and ask him if he has the 800 GP he owes me.

Kirby: …Why can’t you do it?

Lawliet: He’ll just give me some stupid excuse. If you ask him, maybe he’ll tell you the real reason he’s not paying me back.

Kirby: …What’s in it for me?

Lawliet: 50 percent.

Kirby: 60.

Lawliet: Deal.

*Kirby begins to waddles towards Kite*

Lawliet: Hah! Joke’s on you, bitch!!

Kirby: Huh!?

*Lawliet suddenly swings his guitar like a golf club at Kirby, causing him to roll towards Kite*

Kirby: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Kite: What the f**k!?!?

*Kite’s reaction speed is too slow, however, as Kirby runs him over and they both go flying over the cliff*

Kite: I HATE THIS DAMN SHOW!!!![/b]

Lawliet: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Ciege: …You have a very sick mind, L…

Lawliet: Ah, you’re just jealous!! *sigh* Man, that was fun… I’m hungry…

*Lawliet walks into the house, where Kite and Kirby were waiting for him*

Kite/Kirby: *angrily* Lawliet…!

Lawliet: …

*Kirby bears his teeth while Kite readies his bracelet*

Lawliet: Uh… Hehehehe… Uh, Voice? Isn’t it the end of the episode yet?

Voice: No way! Our viewers crave the carnage!

Lawliet: …Oh, boy…

Haseo: 300 GP says Lawliet gets his ass beat…

Arkyron: You’re on…

Kite/Kirby: GRAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Lawliet: I REGRET NOTHING!!!!!!!

[Hayate]

*Kite’s room*

Kite: *sleeping soundly*

*alarm goes off*

Kite: …

*Kite sits up in his bed*

Kite: …

*as he does every morning, Kite grabs one of his Twin Fangs of the Empty Skies and fights the temptation to impale himself*

Kite: ……GAH!!!!

*in a fit of anger, he flings the blade at the wall*

Kite: *sigh* Why me?

Season 4, Episode 2

*in the kitchen…*

Haseo: MY COCOA PUFFS!!!

Arkyron: NO! THEY’RE MINE!!!

Haseo: YOU FINISHED THE LAST BOX!!! THIS BOX IS MINE!!!

Arkyron: NO, I DIDN’T!!! TABBY DID!!!

Tabby: Mmmmm… Cocoa Puffs…

Haseo: HAND IT OVER, ARKYRON!!!

Arkyron: NOT ON YOUR LIFE!!!

*suddenly, a Twin Fang of the Empty Skies impales the box; Haseo and Arkyron look over to see an irritated Kite*

Kite: …Shut…up…!

Ciege: Dude… You look like you just went through a meat grinder… What’s with the stitches?

Lawliet: Isn’t it obvious? Kite’s gone emo, so he dressed up to look like Tri-Edge…

*another Twin Fang of the Empty Skies strikes the wall near Lawliet’s head*

Kite: Don’t push me, L!!!

Dekar: …Whoa…

*Kite walks out of the kitchen, angry*

Tabby: What’s wrong with Kite?

Haseo: It’s just as L said… He’s gone emo…

Kite: I HEARD THAT!!!

*another Twin Fang of the Empty Skies whizzes past Haseo’s head*

Dekar: Dude, how many of those does that guy have!?

Tabby: Hmm… Maybe all he needs is a BIG hug!! Be right back!!

*Tabby catches up to Kite in the living room*

Ciege: 3… 2… 1…

Tabby: GAH!!! My ribcage!!

Ciege: Totally called that one…

*one hour later…*

Kite: *sigh* What’s on TV?

Endrance: Same thing on every channel… Us… Us… And more us…

*Kite begins to bang his head on the wall continuously*

Kite: I think doing this show for so long’s starting to get to me…!

*Ovan walks in*

Ovan: Hey, guys!! Look!! Fan mail!!

Hartz: Awesome!!!

*the housemates all open fan letters from Mac Anu*

Haseo: “Dear Haseo, I love you! You’re the coolest housemate ever!” …Wait a minute!! Atoli, did you write this!?!?

Lawliet: “Dear, Lawliet…”

Grey Fox: …Well?

Lawliet: …Nothing else is written. Though it looks like someone kissed the paper with red lipstick several times…

Everyone: Typical…

Lawliet: WHAT!?!?

Ciege: “Dear Ciege…” What the hell!? Someone sent me a picture of a flaming tumbleweed!! What kind of twisted joke is this!?

Kirby: I dunno… Makes sense to me…

Atoli: “Dear Atoli, I think you and Tabby should make out…”

Everyone: …

*in the control room…*

Voice: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I can’t believe you actually wrote that!!!

Exec 2: I know!! It just came to me!!! Hahahaha!!

Ovan: “Dear Ovan, what’s inside your sealed arm? Is it candy?” …The level of stupidity of the people of Mac Anu astounds me…

Destaros: “Dear Destaros, why are you on the show? It seems like you’re not a really important character.” …Oh, that’s real nice…

Endrance: “Dear Endrance, is it true that you’re secretly in love with Haseo?” …What the f**k!?

Hartz: “Yo, whazzup, B-Money? It’s ya boy, Azure O! Why don’t you holla at me anymore?” …L?

Lawliet: I’m on it! *sets letter on fire*

Hartz: …Thank you…

Arkyron: “Dear Arky, you have my support 100%! Tri-Edge now and forever!” Sweet!! I have followers!! TRI-EDGE BE PRAISED!!!

Haseo: …Hmm? Hey, Kite, you have a letter too.

Kite: … *opens the letter* “Dear Kite, are you and Tri-Edge related? You two look a lot alike.” …Yeah, way to point out the obvious, Sherlock… “I love WTF! Keep doing it, okay?” *eye twitches*

Sakubo: (Saku) Kite? You okay?

Kite: WTF… WTF… WTF!!!! THAT’S ALL I HEAR NOWADAYS!!! WTF THIS!!! WTF THAT!!!! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!

Slade: Uh… Kite?

Grey Fox: He’s finally snapped… It was bound to happen sooner or later…

Atoli: Wow! Kite’s really cute when he’s mad!

Everyone: …

Atoli: …What?

Haseo: Nothing… (Better him than me…)

Marche: Uh, guys? …Kite’s gone.

*everyone looks around, but Kite is nowhere to be seen*

Lawliet: What the hell? Where’d he go?

Grey Fox: There he is!

*everyone runs up to Kite, who was outside hitting the Chaos Gate*

Kite: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! LET ME OUT OF HERE, YOU GODDAMN GATE!!!!!

Ovan: Kite, what are you doing? That isn’t gonna do any good.

Kite: GRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Slade: Yup… He’s really lost it now…

Arkyron: I’ll go get his meds!

Dekar: Forget it!! He’s dead to us!! I say we go back inside and lock the door!!

*Kite turns around to look at the others*

Kite: YOU!!!! This is your fault!!! All of you!!!

Hartz: What the f**k are you talking about!?

Kite: Don’t play dumb!! *mind begins to break down* You just had to be famous, didn’t you!? You just had to shine in the spotlight, didn’t you!?!? Well, now look!!! We’re famous!! And you know what else!?!? We’re gonna keep being famous for the REST of ETERNITY!!!! *takes out Steam Gunner bayonet*

Marche: When the hell did Kite become a Gunner!?!?

Haseo: Maybe it’s a hack… Or an Xth Form… Either way, we’re screwed…

Kite: *mind still breaking down* Oh… I know… Maybe if I kill all of you, the show will be cancelled, and the Voice will have to let me go!! Hehehehe…

Tabby: Stop it, Kite! You’re going crazy!

*Tabby gets shot square in the head and falls over*

Sakubo: (Bo) OH, MY F**KING-- *twitch* (Saku) --GOD!!!

Kite: Who’s next!?!?

*in the control room…*

Voice: Hmm… You think I should do something about this?

Executives: …Why?

Voice: Hmm… Good argument…

Lawliet: I have an idea!!

* Lawliet picks up Kirby*

Kirby: Huh!?

Lawliet: GO GET ‘IM, KIRBY!!!

*Lawliet throws Kirby at Kite*

Kirby: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

*Kite punctures Kirby with his bayonet, and Kirby flies around*

Kirby: AAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

*Kirby soon falls to the ground like a deflated balloon*

Kite: Grrrraaaahhhh…

Lawliet: …Well, that’s all I got!

*Kite raises his right arm and polygons of data appear around it*

Grey Fox: Oh, crap…

Kite: DRAAAAAAIIIIIIN HEEEEEEAAAAAART!!!!!

Haseo: Quick! Behind Atoli!

*everyone ducks behind Atoli*

Atoli: Huh? What’s going on?

Haseo: Uh… It’s a game…and you’re it.

Atoli: YAY!! I love games!! How do you play?

Destaros: Just stand there and make like a human shield!

Atoli: WHEE!!!

*Drain Heart strikes Atoli and she vanishes*

Kite: *panting* Ohhhh… *passes out*

Ovan: …Is it over?

Slade: Looks like it…

Sakubo: (Bo) Though it looks like we lost Atoli and Tabby…

Haseo: Your point being…?

Endrance: So… What do we do about Kite?

Lawliet: I have an idea!!

Kirby: No!! No more ideas!!

Dekar: Hmm… I know!

*everyone outfits Kite with a straightjacket*

Arkyron: That’ll do!!

Hartz: *sigh* Glad that’s over… Let’s go back inside already…

Kirby: Hey!!! Isn’t anyone gonna help me up?!?

Lawliet: …

*Lawliet picks up Kirby’s deflated body*

Kirby: Lawliet? Well, you’re not exactly David Hasselhoff, but…

*Lawliet tosses Kirby’s body over the cliff*

Kirby: Damn you, Lawliet…!!

Lawliet: …What’s there to eat?

*everyone walks into the house to find Atoli and Tabby dressed in skimpy clothing*

Atoli/Tabby: WELCOME HOME, EVERYONE!!!

*everyone’s jaws drop*

Haseo: (What the hell did Kite’s Drain Heart do!?!?)

Grey Fox: (Whatever it did… I like it!!)

Marche: YES!!! My harem dream’s come true!!

Slade: SHUT UP, MARCHE!!!

[Hayate]

*Atoli wakes up*

Atoli: *yawn*

*she goes to the bathroom and washes her face; upon drying, she looks at herself in the mirror*

Atoli: Hmph! Okay! This is it! Today’s the day I win Haseo over!! Mission impossible!! WHOO!!!

*meanwhile, Haseo jerks awake in his head*

Haseo: …Why did I just a cold chill in my spine?

Season 4, Episode 3

*in the kitchen, Endrance inflates Kirby with an air pump*

Endrance: How’s that?

Kirby: Great, thanks. Now if I can just stay away from sharp objects for longer than five minutes… *gets poked with a fork and deflates* DAMMIT, LAWLIET!!!

Lawliet: Hahahaha! I never get tired of that!!

Ciege: And cue Haseo in 4… 3… 2… 1…

*Haseo walks in*

Haseo: Morning…

Ciege: Hah! I was right again! You know… I think I might have ESP!

Sakubo: (Bo) You do… “Extra Stupid Personality”…

Ciege: Watch it, schizoid!

Atoli: MORNING, HASEO!!

*Haseo notices Atoli wearing an apron*

Haseo: Atoli… What are you wearing?

Atoli: You like it?

Haseo: …No.

*Atoli skips over to Haseo’s side and attempts to kiss him; Haseo stops her*

Haseo: What part of “restraining order” do you not comprehend!?

Sakubo: (Bo) Hey, Haseo! Check out this spread! Atoli woke up early and made us all breakfast!

*Bo reaches for a plate of pancakes; Atoli strikes his hand with a wooden spoon*

Sakubo: (Bo) OWW!! *twitch*

Atoli: Hands off! That’s for Haseo!

Sakubo: (Saku) *sob* Why does my hand hurt…?

*Haseo sits down and looks around the table; there were pancakes, cold cereal, buttered toast, maple syrup, and orange juice*

Haseo: Heh! Sweet!

Atoli: Are you impressed? I made it all for you!

Haseo: HAHA!! Time to eat!! *stuffs his mouth with pancakes*

Atoli: I’ll go get you some juice, okay? *hums while walking away*

Lawliet: You know, Haseo… Atoli made all this food especially for you… The least you could do is say “thanks”…

Haseo: *swallows pancakes* Lawliet, you don’t get it! If I give this crazy girl even the LEAST bit of satisfaction, she’ll be all over me!!!

Lawliet: Uh-huh…

Haseo: Don’t believe me? Watch this… *ahem* “I love you, Atoli”…

Atoli: HASEO!!!!!

*Atoli tightly embraces Haseo*

Haseo: You see!?!? This is exactly what I’m talking about!!!

Ciege: All I see is a girl who’d do anything in the world for you… And that’s a problem?

Haseo: You guys just don’t get it at all…

Endrance: It’s you we don’t get, Haseo…

Haseo: Endrance, you of all people should know what I mean!!

Endrance: Hmm…

Sakubo: (Saku) MASTER EN!!!

Endrance: …Point taken…

*hours later, Ovan walks into the living room to find Tabby cleaning*

Ovan: Uh… Tabby? What are you doing?

Tabby: Freshening up.

Ovan: …Why?

Tabby: So Haseo will adore me!!

Ovan: …Whatever. *sits on the couch*

*Tabby suddenly whacks Ovan in the head with the feather duster*

Ovan: OWW!! What was that for!?!?

Tabby: Can’t you read?!?

*Ovan looks at the part of the couch he was sitting on; stitched into the fabric is a sign reading “Reserved for Haseo”*

Ovan: …God, I hate this house…

*Haseo walks in through the front door*

Haseo: Hey, Ovan…

Tabby: Welcome home, Haseo!!!

*Tabby embraces Haseo*

Haseo: *groan* Not again…

*Atoli walks in with a tray of snacks*

Atoli: Hi, Haseo! I heard you come in, so I… Huh?

*Atoli notices Tabby hugging Haseo; the tray falls out of her hands*

Atoli: Ha… Ha… Haseo?

*Arkyron and Slade walk down the stairs*

Slade: Hmm?

Arkyron: What’s going on?

Ovan: Atoli’s about to explode… Get the camcorder…

Slade: I’m on it!

Arkyron: This oughta be good…

Haseo: Oh, crap…

Atoli: HASEO!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!?

Haseo: Don’t look at me!! It’s Tabby’s fault!!

Tabby: *teasingly* What’s the matter, Atoli? Jealous…?

Atoli: *eye twitch* LET GO OF MY HASEO, YOU BITCH!!!

Haseo: What the f**k!?

Tabby: Come over here and make me!!

*Atoli and Tabby start fighting in a cartoon-inspired cloud of smoke*

Slade: *filming* Yes… Dance, puppets, dance…

Haseo: *sigh* How do I get myself into these messes?

*eventually…*

Haseo: …

Atoli: Here, Haseo! Have a sandwich!

Haseo: …

Tabby: Haseo! I made you your favorite ramen!!

Haseo: …

Atoli: Haseo! I made you some chocolate chip cookies!

Tabby: Grrrr… Haseo, look! I baked you a pie!!

Atoli: Here! Brownies!!

Tabby: A triple-layer cake!!

Atoli: A steam bike!!

Tabby: A car!!

Atoli: A house!!!

Tabby: A country!!!

Atoli: MY BRA!!! …Oh, wait, I need that… Hehe…

Haseo: …

Destaros: How long has been going on?

Hartz: Five hours…

Grey Fox: And yet Haseo just…sits there…

Arkyron: *eating the cookies* I know! It’s nuts! …Mmm, chocolate…

Marche: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!! THIS IS CRAZY!!!! WHY DOES HASEO GET ALL THE GIRLS!?!?!?!?

Slade: ‘Cuz you’re an idiot with short-term memory…

Marche: *sobbing*

Dekar: I’ve been thinking… Haseo’s been avoiding Atoli for the longest time… Do you think he might be…

Lawliet: …Might be what?

Dekar: You know…… Gay?

Haseo: I HEARD THAT!!!!!

Ovan: Alright, that’s it!!

*Ovan walks up and pushes Atoli and Tabby aside*

Ovan: Okay, Haseo!! This is obviously never gonna end, so you need to decide right here and now!!

Haseo: …

Ovan: Who do you like better: Atoli or Tabby?

Lawliet: Whoever Haseo votes against is mine!! I called it!!

Ciege: Shut up!!

Haseo: Tch! I choose--

Ovan: And no, you can’t choose neither of them!!

Haseo: Aw, jeez!!

*everyone stares at Haseo*

Haseo: Uh… I… I choose…

*all of the sudden, Kite rolls down the stairs, still wrapped in a straightjacket*

Kite: Okay!!! Whose idea was this!?!?

Haseo: *not paying attention* …Atoli!

Kite: GRAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

*Kite rips out of the jacket and draws his Twin Fangs of the Empty Skies*

Kite: AAAAATOOOOOLIIIIIIII!!!!!!!

Atoli: Eeeep! *runs away*

Kite: CHAKA KHAN!!!!! *chases after her*

Everyone: …

Hartz: So… What just happened?

Grey Fox: Didn’t you hear? Haseo chose--

Haseo: No, I didn’t!

Destaros: But you just--

Haseo: Nope!

Marche: We heard you say--

Haseo: YOU HEARD NOTHING!!! *runs to his room*

Everyone: …

Kirby: …Did I miss something? *gets poked with a fork* DAMMIT, L!!!!

[Hayate]

*Hartz wakes up*

Hartz: *yawn*

*as he does everyday, the first thing he does is check his e-mail*

Hartz: Junk… Junk… More junk… Hmm? There’s one from Orca…

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Sender: Azure O
Subject: WHAZZUP?!?

What up, dog!? It’s ya boy, Azure O!!! Representin’ the D.O.F.!! Westside M.A.!!

Yo, I was watching you on da tube the other day! Why you gotta burn mah letter like dat, dawg!? Dat’s some played-out shit right thurr, boy!

Aiight, ya know what!? I’ma pop up in ya crib tomorrow, ‘cuz it look like ya forgot what it meant ta be a D.O.F.! So I’ma remind ya!

Betta brace yo’ self, dawg, ‘cuz today, it’s gon’ get straight-up gangsta up in hurr!

Peace out, brah!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Hartz: …This can’t be good…

Season 4, Episode 4

*in the kitchen…*

Haseo: Uh… Atoli?

Atoli: Yes?

Haseo: …You know that Kite’s blade is jutting out of your stomach, right?

Atoli: Oh! Really? …I hadn’t noticed…

Haseo: Uh…

Ovan: Leave it alone, Haseo. …She’s lost to us now…

Haseo: Whatever… Hmm?

*Haseo sees Arkyron sneaking off with the Cocoa Puffs box*

Haseo: HEY!!! DON’T THINK I DON’T SEE YOU!!!!!

Arkyron: Oh, come on!! Just one bowl!!!

Haseo: Over my rotting carcass!!!

Lawliet: …That can be arranged…

*Hartz walks in with a depressed expression*

Hartz: Morning…

Slade: Hartz? What’s with you?

Lawliet: Maybe he’s going emo…

Slade: YOU THINK EVERYONE’S GOING EMO, L!!!!!!

Ovan: What’s up, Hartz? Something wrong?

Hartz: Huh? …Oh. It’s Orca.

*Lawliet takes out his guitar*

Lawliet: He’s here!?!? Let me at ‘im!! Let me at ‘im!!!

*Lawliet dashes out of the kitchen in search of Orca*

Arkyron: Anyway… What about Orca?

Hartz: *sigh* He’s coming here today…

Ciege: Oh, great… Not again…

Hartz: I don’t get it. No matter what I do, Orca just can’t get it through his head that I’m done with the whole gangsta look.

Slade: Y’know… We could just--

Ciege: You’re gonna say “kill him”, aren’t you, Slade?

Slade: NO!!!!!…………………Yes…

*hours later, in the living room*

Sakubo *hops onto the couch* (Bo) What’s on TV?

Endrance: A lot, ever since the Voice gave us cable! Check it out! Orca’s on MTV!

*Orca raps on television; as soon as Endrance changes the channel, Lawliet runs in the room*

Lawliet: WHERE IS HE!?!? I just heard his voice!!!

Kirby: …You think we should tell him?

Destaros: Yeah… But where’s the fun in that?

Kirby: Hmm… Good point…

*Tabby walks in through the front*

Tabby: Hey, guys!! Look what I got!! A Chia pet in the shape of Haseo’s head!!

Lawliet: *shooting dual guns wildly* YAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

*stray bullets smash Tabby’s Chia pet*

Tabby: Awww…

Hartz: Alright, that’s it! *walks up to Lawliet* L!! Orca is--

*suddenly, Orca bursts in*

Orca: WHAZZUP, BITCHES AND HOS!!! AZURE O IS IN DA HOUSE!!!!

Everyone: …

Hartz: …here.

Kirby: Oh, this is gonna be good! Destaros, get the popcorn!!

Destaros: Screw that!! I don’t wanna miss a second of this!!

Lawliet: Or…ca… GRAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Orca: I ‘member you!! Bring it on, bitch!!

*Lawliet charges at Orca; Orca steps out of the way, causing Lawliet to run out of the house and over the cliff*

Lawliet: DAMN YOU TO HELL, ORCA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Orca: Pffff! Sucka! Hmm? B-Money!! Whazzup, son!?

Hartz: (Damn… I was hoping this’d be over before it began…)

Orca: *whistles* Damn! Dis crib done got pimped since da last time I was here!

*later on…*

Hartz: *walking through the mansion’s second-floor hall* …

Orca: Yo, B-Money!!! Wait up, son!!

Hartz: For the last time, Orca!! Stop calling me that!!!

Orca: Oh, come on, dawg! You mean ta tell me you wanna roll wit’ these loser-bitches ‘stead of me? Dat’s cold!! I bet these losers don’t even know how ta have a good time!

Marche: Hey, Hartz!! Wanna play Pictionary!?

Orca: …You see!?

Hartz: Listen, Orca. The whole gangsta thing was okay for a time, but I’m done with it.

Orca: Aiight, aiight… But I know one thing you ain’t done wit’… *whistles* Yo, Nattie!!! Ray!!!

Hartz: Oh, no… Please no…

*Natsume and Rachel come up the stairs*

Girls: Hi, B-Money!!!!

Hartz: Oh, god… I’m reliving it…

Marche: Hey, Hartz!! Wanna play Pictionary!?

Hartz: DAMN YOU AND YOUR SHORT-TERM MEMORY, MARCHE!!

Grey Fox: …So…no Pictionary?

Hartz: GO AWAY!!!!

*meanwhile, a bloody hand rises up from the cliff*

Lawliet: Must…kill…the gangsta-ness…

*later, in the living room*

Kite: Is Orca still here?

Dekar: Yup…

Kite: Dammit! I thought Hartz got rid of him already!!

Dekar: Nope…

Kite: Hmm… Hey, why don’t you use your emo hocus pocus to get rid of him?

Dekar: *eye twitch* …Emo hocus pocus?

Kite: Well, yeah… ‘Cuz you’re emo…

Dekar: …

Kite: …I said “‘cuz you’re--”

Dekar: I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID!!!!

*Hartz and Orca come down the stairs*

Orca: C’mon, dawg!! You don’ know what you’re missin’!! The fame!! The glory!! The bitches!! ESPECIALLY the bitches!!

Hartz: *sigh* Okay, Orca… I’ll make this as painfully clear as I can… Get out of this house before I wring your neck!!

Orca: Aw, c’mon, son!! Why you gotta go out like dat? I thought we was cool!!

Hartz: We “was cool” back when I was like you!! I’m not anymore!! Don’t you get it!?

Orca: I still don’ get why you gotta give all dat up!!

Hartz: It was just a phase!!!!!!!

Kite: Want me to Data Drain him, Hartz?

Hartz: Sit down and shut up, Kite!

Kite: Awww…

Dekar: Haha! Burn!

Kite: …Okay, I’ll Data Drain you instead!

Dekar: Eeeep!

Orca: Aiight, aiight, I didn’t wanna do this, B-Money, but you forced me!! *snaps his fingers*

*a small, short earthquake appears and a stage appears outside the mansion*

Grey Fox: *looking out the window from the second floor* What the hell is that!?!?

Marche: *not paying attention* Oh, c’mon!! It’s a f**king cow!!

Grey Fox: THAT’S NOT WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!

*Orca steps onto the stage*

Orca: You an’ me is gonna battle, B-Money!!

Ciege: Hey, if you wanna battle, I’m your guy!! *draws grimoire*

Hartz: …It’s not that kind of battle, Ciege…

Ciege: What other kind of battle is there?

Hartz: *hands Ciege a yo-yo* Just shut up and play with this…

*Ciege plays with the yo-yo but gets his fingers tangled*

Ciege: AAAAHHHH!!!! It’s eating me alive!!!

Hartz: *sigh* Alright, Orca! If this is the only way to get you to leave me alone, fine!!! Let’s battle!!

Orca: Now you’re talkin’!!! Gimme a beat!!!

*suddenly, Lawliet pops in and impales Orca with his spear*

Slade: What the f**k!?

Ovan: He still has the spear…

Orca: GAH!!!!! Azure O… O to the R…to the C…

Lawliet: SHUT THE F**K UP!!!!!

*Orca is split in half and his data vanishes*

Everyone: …

Lawliet: …What?

Hartz: …Nothing. Let’s get some pie.

Haseo/Ovan: Eww!

Hartz: NOT THAT KIND OF PIE!!!!!

[Hayate]

*Ciege wakes up*

Ciege: *yawn* What day is it…?

*Ciege glances at his calendar; underneath the day’s date were the words “Ciege Day”*

Ciege: “Ciege…Day”? ……………Oh, no…

Season 4, Episode 5

Haseo: DAMMIT, ARKY!!! FIFTH TIME!!! FIFTH TIME!!!

Arkyron: What the hell’s up with you and Cocoa Puffs anyway!?!?

Haseo: I NEEEEEEEEED them!!!!! *draws Abyss Blades* Now hand ‘em over before I cut you!

Atoli: C’mon, Haseo! Settle down!

*Ciege sneaks into the kitchen, anxious*

Kite: Hey, Ciege! …What’s with you?

Ciege: Nothing!!

Everyone: …

Kite: Ooooooooooooooooookay…

Ciege: Is Lawliet awake yet!?

Atoli: Um… I don’t think so. Why?

Ciege: Good! Then I still have time!

*Ciege suddenly climbs into the cabinet*

Ciege: You never saw me!

Haseo: …Okay, that was weird…

*Lawliet suddenly walks in*

Lawliet: HAPPY CIEGE DAY, GUYS!!!!!

Everyone: …

Atoli: …Ciege…

Arkyron: …Day?

Kite: Did you just make that up?

Lawliet: Nope!! I created it a year ago!!

Haseo: And what exactly does “Ciege Day” commemorate?

Lawliet: Exactly seven years to this day, Ciege stole my Million$ Spear from me!!

Kite: And you celebrate by…?

Lawliet: TORTURING THE HELL OUT OF HIM!!!! *cackling*

Everyone: …

*inside the cabinet…*

Ciege: Oh, jeez… Maybe I should just stay in here all day?

Lawliet: You guys hear something?

Ciege: (Crap!!! He heard me!!!!)

*Lawliet opens the cabinet and finds it empty*

Lawliet: Hmm… I could’ve sworn…

*Ciege holds his breath after casting an invisibility spell on himself*

Lawliet: Oh, well… *closes the cabinet*

Ciege: *sigh*

*Ciege deactivates his spell and Lawliet opens the cabinet again*

Lawliet: AHA!! I knew it!!!

Ciege: F**k!!!!

*later on…*

*Ovan, Dekar, Slade meet with Ciege at the cliff*

Ovan: …Tell me again how this works…

Ciege: Look! It’s very simple! All you have to do is use your weapons to carve a hollow into the side of the cliff.

Slade: And we’re doing this…why?

Ciege: ‘Cuz if you don’t, I’m gonna display these photos of you guys at the 1st season finale on the BBS…

Dekar: That’s not fair!!! We were drunk at the time!!!

Ovan: Yeah!!! Besides, lampshades happen to be hip nowadays!!!

Ciege: …

Slade: …Alright, alright, you win!

*Ovan, Dekar, and Slade create a hollow for Ciege to hide in*

Ovan: There.

Ciege: Yes! I’m finally safe!!

Slade: (Yeah… Not for long…)

*as Ciege goes into hiding, Lawliet walks by*

Lawliet: HAPPY CIEGE DAY!!!! …Hey, have you guys seen Ciege? I wanna give him his yearly burning!!!

Ovan: Nope… We haven’t seen him…

Dekar: Hehehe… Y’know, Lawliet…

Lawliet: Yeah?

Slade: There’s a good view of the ocean from the cliff… You should check it out…

Lawliet: Meh… Not interested. If I don’t hurry, Ciege Day will be ruined!

Ovan: Oh… I think you’ll definitely want to look…

Lawliet: *sigh* Okay, fine…

*Lawliet looks over the cliff and notices Ciege in his hollow*

Lawliet: THERE YOU ARE!!!!

Ciege: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Ovan/Dekar/Slade: Hahahaha!!!!

Slade: Totally worth it!!!

*later that day, in the living room…*

Lawliet: Dammit!!! It’s almost sundown, and I barely got any torture in…!!

Marche: Hey, Lawliet!! Wanna play--

Lawliet: NOT NOW, MARCHE!!!

Marche: Awww…

*in Marche’s room…*

Marche: Okay, guess!!

Grey Fox: Uh, Marche… You didn’t draw anything…

Marche: What are you, blind!? It’s a wall painted with white paint!!!

Grey Fox: …

Marche: …

Grey Fox: That’s it… I’m getting the flail…

Marche: Eeeep!

Lawliet: This is the worst Ciege Day ever!!

Hartz: …Hey, L…

Lawliet: Huh? What do you want?

Hartz: You wanna make this a memorable Ciege Day?

Lawliet: …Yeah.

Hartz: Hehehe… Follow me…

*in the basement…*

Endrance: …I’m just gonna come out with it and say this is a BAD idea…

Ciege: It’s the only way!!!

Endrance: Okay, Ciege, that does it!! Now tell me why Ciege Day is so horrible…

Ciege: You wanna know? You REALLY wanna know!? Fine!! Let me take you through seven years of utter torment!!

*Ciege Day, 6 years ago*

Ciege: *whistling while walking through a dungeon*

*Ciege steps on a trap switch…*

Ciege: Huh?

*…and is impaled by 50 spears*

Lawliet: Hehehehe…

*Ciege Day, 5 years ago*

*Ciege walks across a bridge above raging rapids*

Ciege: Easy… Easy… Hmm? What’s that sound?

*the bridge’s ropes are cut loose and Ciege falls into the rapids*

Ciege: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Lawliet: Hehehehe…

*Ciege Day, 4 years ago*

*Ciege throws his staff into a Spring of Myst*

Ciege: …Hmm?

*a sea monster suddenly comes out and devours him*

Lawliet: Hehehehe…

*Ciege Day, 3 years ago*

*Ciege stands in front of the Beast Statue*

Ciege: Yes! Finally made it!!

*as soon as he opens the chest, the Beast Statue explodes*

Ciege: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Lawliet: Hehehehe…

*Ciege Day, 2 years ago*

*Ciege rides the boat to Hy Brasail*

Ciege: Ahhh… This breeze feels nice… Hmm?

*a part of the ship suddenly explodes, causing it to sink into the sea*

Ciege: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! CAN’T SWIM!!!!!!

Lawliet: Hehehehe…

*Ciege Day, 1 year ago*

Ciege: *cautious walking through a dungeon*

Ciege: Gotta watch my step here…

*Ciege steps on a trap switch…*

Ciege: Uh-oh!!!

*…and is engulfed by spouting flames*

Ciege: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!!!

Lawliet: Hehehehe…

*present day…*

Endrance: …………

Ciege: Now do you see!?

Endrance: *shudders* Sure glad there isn’t an Endrance Day… Alright, let’s do it.

*Endrance opens the door leading to the necropolis*

Endrance: I’ll come and get you in three hours, ‘kay?

Ciege: Sure. Thanks again, Endrance.

*Ciege walks into the necropolis and Endrance closes the door behind him*

Endrance: …

*Destaros and Kirby enter the basement*

Kirby: See? I told you he was down here.

Destaros: Yo, En! Saku’s lookin’ for ya!!

Endrance: Huh? …Oh. Okay.

Kirby: What’re you doing down here anyway?

Endrance: Helping Ciege.

Destaros: Uh, okay… Where is Ciege?

Endrance: In the necropolis.

Dekar: WHAAAAAAAAT!?!?!?!?!

*Dekar rushes to the basement upon hearing the word “necropolis”*

Dekar: Endrance!!! What did you do!?!? Do you not know of the dangers of the necropolis!?!?

Endrance: What dangers? You go there all the time…

Dekar: That’s because I possess supernatural necropolitan abilities!!

Haseo: AND YOU’RE EMO!!!!

Dekar: NOT NOW, HASEO!!!! …Anyway, the necropolis is a treacherous world where the spirits of the dead reside!! To a mere mortal, the horrors can be indescribable!!

Endrance: …

*Endrance opens the door and Ciege falls out, covered in ectoplasm*

Ciege: Ohhhh… DEFINITELY a bad idea…

Endrance: Told ya…

*eventually…*

Ciege: …

Lawliet: …

Ciege: …Okay. Let’s get this over with…

Lawliet: WHEEEEEEEE!!!!! *snaps fingers*

*the mansion suddenly divides in two; Ciege stands on a thin pillar;

Ciege: You’ve gotta be f**king with me…

*Ciege looks down from the pillar to see molten lava*

Lawliet: ALL HAIL THE GOD OF MAGMA!!!!! WE OFFER TO HIM A SACRIFICE!!!!!

Ciege: …I hate my life…

[Hayate]

*Voice gazes into a monitor intently*

Voice: …

*the executives enter*

Exec 1: So, Voice! What do you have planned today?

Voice: …

Exec 2: Haseo and Atoli kiss again? Or maybe Lawliet’s head will explode? Oh, wait! Kite gets stuck in a well, right?

Voice: …

Exec 1: …Voice?

Exec 2: I got it! Arkyron is denied Cocoa Puffs, ensuing a Trix joke! “Silly Arky!! Puffs are for PKK’s!!” Heh! It’s classic!

Exec 1: Shut up, you idiot!!!

Exec 2: Awww…

Exec 1: Voice!! As your superior, I demand you respond when I address you!!

Voice: …

Exec 1: VOICE!!!!

Voice: Would you be quiet!? I’m watching something!!

Exec 1: What could you be looking at that’s so important?

*executive 1 looks into the monitor and sees two mystery PCs – a red-haired Lord Partizan and a beast-type Shadow Warlock – approach the Chaos Gate, enter an area word, and disappear*

Exec 1: …So? It was just a pair of regular players going to an area.

Voice: Look at the area word directory.

Exec 1: Hmm?

*executive 1 examines the Chaos Gate’s area word directory; the last words entered were “Insane Pathetic Liveshow”*

Exec 1: Those two…are coming here?

Voice: Yup…

Exec 2: Okay! I got it! Those two are assassins sent to kill off one or more of the members, right!?

Exec 1: …Why don’t you go sit in the corner?

Voice: In any case… This might prove to be an interesting afternoon…

Exec 2: I’ll get the popcorn!!

Voice: STAY THE F**K OUT OF MY KITCHEN!!!!

Season 4, Episode 6

*in the living room…*

CRASH!!!!

Kirby: Dammit, Haseo!! I paid a thousand GP for that lamp!!!

Haseo: Oh, get over it!!!

Kirby: *sobbing* My Pop Star lamp!

*Marche walks in*

Marche: What’s going on?

Ovan: Arky took Haseo’s cereal again…

Kite: *filming* Go, Haseo!! Kick his ass!! This is BBS gold!!

Haseo: HOW MANY TIMES MUST WE GO THROUGH THIS, ARKY!?!?!?

Atoli: Settle down, Haseo!

Haseo: You want some of this too, blondie!?!?

Atoli: *gasp* Haseo gave me a nickname!! YAY!!!

Haseo: AAAAAAARKYYYYYYYYROOOOOOON!!!!!!!

Arkyron: Oh, come on!!!!! One bowl is all I ask!!!!!

Haseo: WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER!!!!

Lawliet: That can be arranged… *dials numbers on a cell phone* …Hello, Satan? What’s up?

Ciege: Aha!!! I KNEW it!! You DID sell your soul to the devil!!!

Lawliet: Nah. I played him in poker a couple months back and he lost…

Ciege: …I…see…

Marche: *sigh* This kinda reminds me of when I was with my friends…

Kite: You had friends!?!?!?

Marche: Yeah! Several years ago, we went to the world of Ivalice and--

Lawliet: Hey, Marche?

Marche: Yeah?

Lawliet: NO ONE CARES!!!

Marche: Awww…

*meanwhile, outside the mansion, Tabby is watering the plants happily…*

Tabby: *humming* …Huh?

*…when she suddenly sees the two mystery PCs arrive in the Chaos Gate*

Partizan: So… You’re sure he’s sure?

Warlock: Yup! Even ‘he’ said so! *kupo*

Partizan: Tch! What a shoddy area…

*the Partizan and Warlock walk towards the mansion when Tabby skips up to them*

Tabby: Hi there! I’m Tabby! Who’re you?

Partizan: Get out of our way…

Tabby: Huh? Why? I’m just saying hello?

Partizan: Blanc…

Warlock: Right… *kupo*

*the beast-type Shadow Warlock casts a thunder spell on Tabby, causing her to become disoriented*

Tabby: Ohhhh… Everything’s spinning… *trips over the edge of the cliff and falls* AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

*behind the mansion, Hartz practices his archery…*

Hartz: Okay! Hold still now!

Grey Fox: Uh, Hartz?

Hartz: Yeah?

Grey Fox: I know you want to improve your aim and all, but…

Hartz: Uh-huh?

Grey Fox: …IS IT REALLY NECESSARY TO DO IT THIS WAY!?!?!?

*Hartz attempts to shoot an apple on Grey Fox’s head*

Hartz: Don’t worry. I won’t miss.

Grey Fox: That’s what you said last time!! I had to wear an eye patch for two weeks!!

Hartz: Just shut up and hold still!!

Grey Fox: *gulp*

Hartz: Ready… Aim, and…

*suddenly, Hartz hears Tabby’s scream, causing him to fire his arrow too soon*

Hartz: What the hell?

Grey Fox: GAH!!!!! MY RETINA!!!! HARTZ, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!

Hartz: Hey, Fox, did you hear someone scream?

Grey Fox: No, but when I come over there, I’ll be hearing you scream!!!!

Hartz: Let’s go check it out!

Grey Fox: Oh, sure!! Just ignore my eye crisis!!! You’d better learn how to sleep with one eye open, you ass!!!

*in the control room…*

Voice: Ooh! This is getting good already!

Exec 2: Yeah! I’m gonna go get nachos!

Voice: I SAID, STAY OUT OF MY KITCHEN!!!

*in the living room…*

Slade: You guys hear that? A scream!!

Arkyron: ABANDON SHIP!!!!

*suddenly, there’s a knock at the door*

Kirby: Don’t answer it!!! A monster could be on the other side!!

Ovan: *sigh* I’ll get it…

*Ovan answers the door and sees the mystery PCs*

Ovan: …Can I help you?

Partizan: Hello. Do you know someone by the name of Marche Radiuju?

*just then, everyone steps to the side and points their fingers at Marche*

Marche: …Uh…Pictionary, anyone?

Warlock: Yup… That’s him, alright… *kupo*

*minutes later…*

Ritz: My name is Ritz Malheur. This is Montblanc.

Montblanc: Hi! I’m Montblanc! But you can just call me “Blanc” for short! *kupo*

Slade: How do you know Marche?

Marche: I told you before, we all visited the world of Ivalice a while ago.

Montblanc: Uh-oh… He’s doing it again…

Ritz: Marche! How many times do we have to tell you this!? It was all a dream!!!

Marche: No, it wasn’t!! It was real!! I know it was!!

Slade: …Apparently, Marche isn’t all there, is he?

Ritz: Nope… A snowball accident… Long story…

Marche: Okay, whatever!! What are you guys doing here anyway?

Montblanc: We all used to play The World together until you suddenly disappeared!!

Marche: I’ve been stuck here the whole time!!!!

Ritz: Stuck? What do you mean stuck?

Dekar: The Chaos Gate is broken… Once you come to this area, you’re stuck for good!

Montblanc: BROKEN!?!? Oh, no!!! *KUPO!!!*

Ritz: Hmph! Broken, my ass! I’ll be right back!

*Ritz departs for the Chaos Gate; minutes later, Ritz returns covered in dust*

Dekar: You fell out of the sky, didn’t you…?

Ritz: Oh, shut up…

*Lawliet walks in holding a can of soda…*

Lawliet: …Huh?

*…and notices Ritz*

Lawliet: WHOA!!! HOTTIE IN THE HOUSE!!!

*Lawliet drops his soda and rushes over to Ritz, taking her by the hand*

Lawliet: Hey there, cutie. Name’s Lawliet. What’s yours?

*Lawliet suddenly kisses Ritz’s hand*

Ritz: *eye twitch*

Ciege: 3… 2… 1…

*Ritz suddenly stabs her lance through Lawliet’s foot*

Lawliet: OWWW!!!

Ciege: Hehe… I’m getting good at this…

Ritz: *ahem* So… Who’s in charge here?

Endrance: That would be the Voice…

Voice: You rang?

*Voice appears behind Ritz*

Endrance: Right on time, as usual…

Ritz: Okay, “Voice” or whatever your name is, I’ll make this brief. My Moogle friend and I wish to leave this area immediately. And we’ll be taking Marche with us.

Marche: YES!!! I’m finally leaving!!!

Ritz: Shut up, Marche…

Marche: Yes, ma’am…

Voice: Hmm… I like a girl who gets right to the point. Unfortunately, Marche is my property.

Ritz: Alright… *draws lance* …Then I’ll force you…

Voice: Hehehehe… Just try it, girly!

*suddenly, Voice feels a piercing pain in his right shoulder where a lance struck him*

Voice: GAH!!!…

Ritz: No one…calls me…“girly”…

Endrance: OH, SNAP!!!!

Atoli: WOW!! She moved so fast, I couldn’t see her!!!

Montblanc: That’s our Ritz!! *kupo*

Haseo: Whoa… She’s even faster that you, Lawliet…

Lawliet: *dreamily* Yeah… She sure is…

Haseo: Oh, great… We lost Lawliet…

Kirby: And that’s a bad thing?

Voice: Grrrr…

Ritz: How about now?

Voice: Tch! Okay, fine! You can have Marche…if you can beat me in a few contests…

Ritz: Contests?

Voice: If you can beat in the 3 out of 5 contests, I’ll let you leave with Marche. But if you lose, you have to stay here and become another of my bitches!!!

Montblanc: Don’t do it, Ritz! It has to be a trick!!

Ritz: …Deal.

Montblanc: DAMMIT!!! Why does no one listen to me!?!?

Destaros: Uh… ‘Cuz you’re tiny?

*Montblanc suddenly casts a spell to make Destaros smaller than he is*

Montblanc: NOW who’s tiny!?!?!?

Destaros: …I hate Moogles…

*Contest 1: R-P-S*

Voice: The first contest will be a simple game of Rock-Paper-Scissors! You ready?

Ritz: Whatever…

Voice: ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS, SHOOT!!

*Ritz beats Voice with paper over rock*

Voice: What the f**k!?

Ritz: Let’s move on already…

Montblanc: Hehehe… When it comes to Rock-Paper-Scissors, Ritz never loses!!

*Contest 2: Trivia*

Voice: I hope you’ve brushed up on your history of The World, ‘cuz the second contest is a Trivia round! We each ask each other common-knowledge questions about The World! The first to get a question wrong loses!

Ritz: Uh-huh…

Destaros: GO, RITZ!!!

Lawliet: PROVE YOUR LOVE TO ME!!!

*Lawliet is suddenly struck by lightning*

Lawliet: …Ow…

Ritz: Would you please shut the hell up?

Haseo: Heh… I kinda like this girl…

Atoli: WHAT!?!? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Voice: I’ll go first!! Name the eight phases of Morganna!!

Ritz: Skeith, Innis, Magus, Fidchell, Gorre, Macha, Tarvos, and Corbenik.

Voice: Grrrr… Correct…

Ritz: Of course it is…

Voice: Okay! Now it’s your turn!

Ritz: Hmm… How many servers were there in the first revision of The World?

Voice: Hah! That’s easy! There were five servers: Delta, Theta, Lambda, Sigma, and Omega!

Ritz: Correct… Your turn…

*while this goes on, the others converse on the sidelines*

Slade: Hey, Marche…

Marche: Yeah?

Slade: Why is this Ritz girl going to so much trouble to help you?

Marche: Hmm… ‘Cuz we’re friends, that’s why!

Slade: …That’s it?

Marche: Uh… Yeah! That’s it!

Slade: …That SUCKS!!! C’mon, there’s no relationship between you two?

Marche: Hmm… Nope!

Slade: Jeez… You’re an even bigger loser than I thought…

Voice: Descendants of Fianna!!

Ritz: Correct…

Sakubo: (Saku) Hey, Marche!! Can I hear more about your other-world dream?

Marche: IT’S NOT A DREAM!!! …But since you asked… The world was called Ivalice. There were so many races of people there… Humans, Viera, Bangaa, Nu Mou, Moogles… And everything was governed under a strict set of rules. There were even judges to make sure these rules were followed…

Atoli: Wait… If Moogles aren’t real…how is Montblanc here?

Montblanc: Oh, this? I just made my character to look like this! *kupo*

Hartz: Stop it with the “kupo” thing!!!!

Montblanc: I can’t help it!! I think it’s just a feature of my PC body!!

Arkyron: Well… Can’t you turn it off?

Montblanc: Nope.

Kite: Hey, guys, look!! Voice is actually sweating!!

Voice: Grrrr… Name the seven elemental spirits!!!

Ritz: Vulcan, Merrows, Krake, Yarthkins, Lanceor, Wryneck… Wait, seven? I thought there were only six.

Voice: (Ha!! I got her now!! This contest is mine!!)

Marche: (C’mon, Ritz… You can do it…)

Ritz: Hmm… Oh! Do you mean Aurora? ‘Cuz she’s technically not an elemental spirit…

Voice: (Dammit!!) …Correct…

Everyone: WHOO!!!

Ovan: Heh… I gotta say… It’s kinda fine watching someone school Voice…

Haseo: Yeah. I only wish it were me doing the schooling.

*Contest 3: Race*

Voice: This is the third contest! We use the Chaos Gate to transport ourselves into the forest. The first one to make it out of the forest wins!

Ritz: Whatever…

Voice: Y’know, you could try to act a LITTLE enthused…!

Ritz: *monotone* Yahoo…

Everyone: …

Marche: Same old Ritz…

Voice: READY, SET, GO!!!

*hours later…*

Voice: *panting heavily* I…finally…made it…back… HUH!?!?!?

*Voice finds Ritz playing a card game with Atoli in front of the mansion*

Voice: WHEN THE HELL DID YOU GET BACK HERE!?!?!?

Ritz: Hmm… About 17 minutes after the race started…

Voice: …

Marche: Yay!!!!! I can finally leave this place!!!!!

Voice: Grrrr… How could I lose!?!?

Lawliet: ‘CUZ YOU SUCK, THAT’S WHY!!!! *is struck by lightning* …Ow…

Not so fast!!!

*a bolt of lightning strikes the ground, creating a cloud of smoke; out of the smoke emerges the two executives*

Voice: (Oh, crap!! I’m in trouble!!)

Grey Fox: Who’re you supposed to be?

Exec 1: We are the .hax//WTF executives. And we’ve been monitoring this sham of a competition right from the start…

Exec 2: And there was something we noticed during the second contest… Ritz.

Ritz: Hmm?

Exec 2: Do you remember when the Voice asked you a question concerning the Lost Grounds?

Ritz: Hmm…

*FLASHBACK*

Voice: What Lost Ground lies at D Hidden Forbidden Holy Ground!?

Ritz: The Hulle Grand Cathedral.

Voice: Grrrr… Correct…

*FLASHBACK*

Exec 1: The truth of it is… You had actually answered that question incorrectly…

Ritz: What? I…did?

Exec 2: The Lost Ground that lies at D Hidden Forbidden Holy Ground is called Hulle Granz, not Hulle Grand as you had wrongly stated.

Ritz: Tch!!

Voice: So… I won!?

Exec 1: Not necessarily…

Voice: DAMMIT!!!

Exec 2: Ritz won 2 contests, while the Voice won one. Therefore, the contests shall continue.

Exec 1: The first to gain 3 contest wins is the victor. Is that not what you said, Voice?

Voice: Uh, well…

Exec 2: That’s that, then. Happy competing!

*another lightning bolt strikes and the executives vanish*

Voice: Ha-ha!! Looks like I can still win this!!

Marche: DAMMIT!!!! I was so close!!! I blame you for this, Kite!!

Kite: ME!?!? WHY!?!?

Marche: …I dunno… It just seemed right…

Kite: Marche… Remind me to Data Drain you later…

*Contest 4: Scavenger Hunt*

Voice: The inner workings of the mansion shall serve as the site for the next contest! This time, it’s a scavenger hunt! We’ll each have a list of items to find, and the first to find all the items on the list wins!

Ritz: Wait a minute… I’ve only been in this house for one day! I’d be at a disadvantage!

Voice: *groan* Fine… *snaps fingers* There! I’ve added a layout map of the house on the back of your list! That way, you won’t get lost! READY, SET, GO!!!!

*a half-hour later…*

Voice: Ha-ha!! That’s all of them!! Looks like I win!! *goes to the living room* …WHAT!?!?!?

Everyone: YAY, RITZ!!! SHE WINS AGAIN!!!!

Voice: How the hell did you…?!?

Ritz: Hehe… I’m really good at reading maps…

Voice: *crumples up his list and tosses it on the ground* GOD-F**KING-DAMMIT!!!!! One more contest!!

Atoli: What!? You said “3 out of 5”!!!

Voice: I’M THE VOICE!!!!! WHAT I SAY GOES!!!!! AND I SAY, ONE!! MORE!!! CONTEST!!!!

Everyone: …

Ritz: It’s fine… I’ve waited this long… I can wait a few seconds more…

Voice: Oh, no, you don’t! This time, I’m competing against…him!!!!

*Voice points to Marche*

Marche: What!? Me?!?

Voice: (Hahahaha!!! Marche is a complete and utter idiot!! With him as my opponent, I can’t possibly lose!!!!)

*Final Contest: Labyrinth*

Voice: This shall be the site of the final contest!! The first one to make it through this maze wins!! Winner-take-all!!

Arkyron: Marche VS Voice in a maze race!! Taking all bets!!!

Dekar: 800 on Voice!!!

Slade: 1000 on Voice!!!!

Ciege: 700 on Voice!!!

Lawliet: 3000 on Voice!!!!!

Marche: What the hell!? Isn’t anyone gonna bet on me?!?

Everyone: …

Marche: …C.ockbags…

Voice: READY…

Ritz: …

Voice: SET…

Montblanc: …

Voice: …Hey, what’s that in the sky?

Marche: *looking up* Huh?

Voice: GO!!!! *dashes away*

Marche: Huh!?!? You son of a bitch!!! *dashes after Voice*

Haseo: So… Who do you think will win?

Kirby: Pffff! Are you kidding!? Marche doesn’t stand a chance!!

Ritz: You guys don’t give Marche enough credit. Just wait.

Everyone: …

Haseo: …So who do YOU think will win?

Destaros: Voice, who else?

Ritz: …I’m surrounded by idiots…

Ovan: …Tell me about it…

*inside the labyrinth…*

Voice: Ha-ha-ha!! This contest is in the bag!! I’ll win this contest by sundown, and Marche will probably be stuck here ‘til he’s 75!!!

*meanwhile…*

Marche: Okay! Maybe I’ll go this way!! Oh, wait!! I think I went that day already!! AAAAHHH!!!! I’M LOST!!!! *falls to his knees and starts crying* Voice is gonna win and I’ll be stuck in this area forever!! …Huh?

*Marche notices an emblem on the ground*

Marche: Wait… This insignia… *gasp* It’s the crest of Ivalice!! I’ve been in this maze before!! Okay, let’s see… If I know it as well as I think I do, around this corner should be…

*Marche turns a corner and finds a pitfall trap*

Marche: YES!!! I knew it!! That means I go this way!!

*one hour later…*

Atoli: *stroking Montblanc’s fur* Aw! You’re so cute!!

Montblanc: Hehehe… I could get used to this…

Kirby: Hey, you!!

Montblanc: *kupo?*

Kirby: Get lost!! I’m the only cute one here, you got that?!

Montblanc: … *kupo?*

Kirby: OKAY, FINE!!! *swallows Montblanc and gains his power and appearance* Hey, Atoli!! Look at me!! I’m cute!! Take me into your soft bosom!!!

Atoli: *still petting Montblanc* Aww…

Kirby: *under his breath* I’m gonna get you for this, you stupid Moogle…

Grey Fox: This is taking too long!! I’m gonna go get some potato chips!!

Kite: Do we have any Slim Jims left?

Sakubo: (Bo) Uh… I think Lawliet had the last one…

Kite: LAAAAAAAWLIIIIIIIEEEEEEEET!!!!!!!

Lawliet: Uh-oh…

Endrance: Hmm… Huh? Hey, guys, look!

*the housemates spot the Voice taking his time approaching the finish line*

Voice: Ha-ha!! I knew this’d be easy!! Marche never stood a chance!!

Slade: Well… I guess we’ll never see Marche again…

Ritz: …

Dekar: …Ritz?

Ritz: …

*suddenly, Ritz smiles*

Dekar: Ritz? Why are you smiling?

Ritz: *pointing towards something* …That’s why…

*several yards behind Voice appears Marche*

Lawliet: Uh-oh… RUN, VOICE!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

Voice: Huh? Say what now?

*in that instant, Marche dashes past Voice*

Voice: WHAT THE F**K!?!?!? *starts sprinting*

Montblanc: GO, MARCHE!!!!!

Slade: C’MON, VOICE!!!! I HAVE 1000 GP RIDING ON THIS!!!!

*moments later, Marche and Voice cross the finish line at supposedly the same time*

Voice: *short of breath* It’s…a…tie…

Marche: *panting*

Montblanc: Hey, it’s okay, Marche. We didn’t even think you’d finish, but you proved us wrong! Isn’t that something?

Marche: …Shut up, Blanc…

Not so fast!!!

*a bolt of lightning strikes the ground and the executives appear*

Endrance: Oh, what is it now!?

Exec 1: We’re here to shed some light on the conclusion of the maze race…

Exec 2: Observe…

*the executives conjure a video feed showing that Marche had crossed the finish line about 79 milliseconds before Voice did*

Voice: GODDAMMIT!!!!!

Montblanc: YAY!!!! MARCHE WINS!!!!

Marche: WHOO-HOO!!!!!

Lawliet: *tears betting ticket* Terrific!! I’m out 3000 GP!!!!

*the next day…*

Marche: Well… I guess this is goodbye… *sniffles* I’m gonna miss you guys!!!

Everyone: Would you just leave already!?!?

Ritz: Let’s go, Marche. *gates out*

Montblanc: Yeah! Let’s get back to playing for real!! *gates out*

Marche: Well… Later… *gates out*

Dekar: GOD, I thought he’d never leave!!!

Hartz: Well, at least it’s over now… I’m hungry.

*suddenly, Marche gates back in*

Marche: Sorry! I forgot my Pixi Stix!!

*Marche dashes inside to get his Pixi Stix, and comes back*

Marche: Okay then! Later! *gates out*

*seconds later, Marche falls out of the sky and lands flat on his face*

Marche: …

Everyone: …

Ciege: *sigh* So… What’s there to eat?

Kite: Who cares? It’s Ovan’s turn to cook, so you know it’s gonna be bad…

Ovan: HEY!!

Haseo: Hmm… Hey, has anyone seen Tabby?

Lawliet: 1 - No. 2 - Who gives a damn?

Haseo: Huh… Good point…

*everyone goes inside, leaving Marche*

Marche: …

[Hayate]

*Dekar sits in the center of his room surrounded by candles; the undersides of his wrists drip blood onto his carpet*

Dekar: C’mon… C’mon…

*as Dekar concentrates, Kite walks by the room door*

Kite: …

Dekar: …

Kite: …Hey, Dekar!!

Dekar: AAAAHHHH!!!! KITE!!! What the f**k do you want!?!?

Kite: …Nothin’…

Dekar: …

Kite: …Later! *walks away*

Dekar: Son of a… *inhales* *exhales*

*Dekar begins concentrating again, and the door to the necropolis begins to vibrate*

Dekar: C’mon… C’mon…

*the door vibrates harder and harder as time passes*

Dekar: C’mon!

*finally, the door bursts wide open, revealing a blinding light*

Dekar: YES!! I DID IT!!

*Dekar approaches the light to examine it; suddenly, there’s a loud roar*

Dekar: …Uh-oh…

Season 4, Episode 7

*Haseo falls to his knees and cries over the fact that his Cocoa Puffs were gone*

Haseo: My cereal…

Arkyron: What’s up with you and Cocoa Puffs anyway, Haseo?

Haseo: I REQUIRE EXACTLY 2 BOWLS OF COCOA PUFFS PER DAY, OR ELSE I FEEL TEMPTED TO SLIT SOMEONE’S NECK!!! …It’s all here in my doctor’s notice…

Endrance: You’re scaring me more than usual, Haseo…

Atoli: Hehehe!! Haseo’s cute when he’s helpless!

Haseo: Shut up, Atoli!!

*suddenly, Dekar comes running down the stairs*

Dekar: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!! *runs out of the house*

Haseo: …Was that Dekar just now?

Ovan: More importantly, why is there blood on the stairs…?

*just then, there’s a short tremor followed by a loud roar*

Atoli: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! Haseo, I’m scared!!!

Haseo: Atoli, would you get off me!?!?

*just then, the entire second floor of the mansion is destroyed; the housemates on the first floor look up to see a giant demon holding the second floor in its hand*

: *roar*

Haseo: …

Ovan: …

Atoli: …

Arkyron: …

*Lawliet walks in from the kitchen holding a bowl of cereal*

Lawliet: …Did I miss something?

*the housemates all meet outside as the gigantic demon tears the mansion apart*

Slade: Dekar, what the F**K is that!?!?!?

Dekar: It’s Cernunnos, the lord of the dead!

Ciege: Why the hell did you summon him!?!?

Dekar: I didn’t mean to!!! I was trying to summon BlackRose!!

Everyone: …

Hartz: BlackRose isn’t dead, Dekar…

Dekar: ……………DAMMIT!!!

Grey Fox: Uh, guys… Don’t you think we should be trying to fix this?

Lawliet: Why bother? No house, no show! Simple as that!

Marche: Yeah… There’s just one problem, Lawliet… WE’D STILL BE STUCK HERE!!!

Sakubo: (Bo) So, it’s a choice between being stuck here doing a stupid show and being stuck here doing nothing at all… *twitch* (Saku) F**k it all!! Let’s save the mansion!! *draws grimoire* WHO’S WITH ME!?!? …………Guys?

*Sakubo notices that everyone else has run for cover; Cernunnos looks down at her*

Sakubo: (Saku) Oh, you guys are a bunch of f**king cowards!!! *is eaten alive by Cernunnos* Okay… This officially sucks…

*from behind the rocks, the other housemates watch as Sakubo is eaten alive*

Atoli: *sobbing* Poor Sakubo!!

Destaros: This is your fault, Dekar!! If you hadn’t summoned that thing, we wouldn’t be running for our lives!! You got us into this mess – now, you have to get us out of it!!

Dekar: Okay, okay, let me think…!

Arkyron: Well, think faster ‘cuz that thing’s coming this way!!!

Kirby: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!

Slade: *slaps Kirby* Get a hold of yourself!!

Kirby: …Did you just slap me?

Slade: Uh…

*Kirby swallows Slade whole and assimilates his powers*

Kirby: Hey, look! Now I’m a green-haired pretty-boy who writes yaoi!!

Slade: You son of a--

Ovan: NOW’S NOT THE TIME!!!!

Slade/Kirby: Eeeep!

Dekar: Hmm…

Haseo: He’s getting closer!!

Cernunnos: *loud roar*

Atoli: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *“glomps” Haseo*

Haseo: Dammit, Atoli!!!

Dekar: …I got it! My scrolls! With the texts written in my scrolls, I should be able to send Cernunnos back to the underworld!

Destaros: Great! …And your scrolls are where?

Dekar: …In the mansion…

Everyone: …

Lawliet: F**king great…

*in the control room…*

Voice: Looks like things are really heating up down here!!

Exec 1: HEATING UP!?!? That mansion cost us 100,000 GP!!!!!!

Exec 2: Not to mention we just lost Sakubo!! What if all the housemates become demon food!?!? We won’t have a show anymore!!!

Voice: Relax… Everything’s replaceable, even people…

Execs: VOICE!!!

Voice: Well, what do you want me to do?!?

Execs: FIX IT!!!!

Voice: Alright, alright!! Jeez!! *transports down to the field*

Execs: …

Exec 2: Hey… While he’s gone, you wanna raid the fridge?

Exec 1: …Totally.

*Voice appears in the field near the housemates*

Voice: Okay… Let’s see what I have to work with-- GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!!!!

*Voice notices that Cernunnos is at least 10 stories high*

Voice: …Dekar?

Everyone: Dekar.

Voice: Thought so. Okay, then… *snaps fingers*

*Voice attempts to poof Cernunnos away, but nothing happens*

Voice: …Huh? *snaps fingers over and over* What the hell, man!?

Dekar: Uh… Did I forget to mention that Cernunnos is near indestructible?

Everyone: …

*Voice is suddenly eaten alive*

Voice: Dekar, when I get out of here, I’m kicking your ass!!! ……Hey! I was wondering where my remote went!

Kite: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!

Haseo: Well, I’m not giving up without a fight!!

Lawliet: Tch! Well, you all can go ahead and kill yourselves for all I care!! I’m heading back to Kestrel!!

Endrance: You’re leaving!?

Lawliet: Anywhere’s better than here!!

Arkyron: You can’t go!! What about the house!?

Lawliet: WHAT HOUSE!?!?

Haseo: Forget it, guys. Let him go. He’s obviously too weak to confront Cernunnos, so he’s given up without even trying. What a wuss…

*Lawliet’s left eye twitches*

Lawliet: Did you just call me a “wuss”…?

Haseo: Yeah, I did. What’re you gonna do about it?

Lawliet: Grrrr… LET’S SAVE THE MOTHERF**KING HOUSE!!!!!

Ciege: WHOO!!! DO OR DIE!!!

Atoli: Alright!! What’s the plan!?

Marche: You can be the decoy, Atoli.

Atoli: YAY!!!! ……What’s a decoy?

*moments later…*

Cernunnos: *loud roar*

Dekar: …Okay. Is everyone clear on their job?

Everyone: Yup!

Atoli: Hold on! Why do I have to be the decoy?

Ovan: ‘Cuz you stand out like a sore thumb…

Atoli: WAAAAH!!! I don’t wanna be the decoy!!

Slade: Haseo…?

Haseo: I’m on it… *approaches Atoli* Hey, Atoli…?

Atoli: Y-Yes, Haseo?

Haseo: If you be the decoy… I’ll sleep with you tonight…

*Atoli’s heart skips a beat as she takes out her staff*

Atoli: ALRIGHT!!!! LET’S F**KING DO THIS!!!! *dashes at Cernunnos*

Haseo: Well… That was easy…

Hartz: Give that girl a lollipop and she’ll suck on it ‘til it’s dry… Wait, that didn’t come out right…

Grey Fox: Never mind, Hartz! Let’s just get this over with!

Dekar: Okay… Atoli should be in position right about now…

Atoli: HEY, CERNUNNOS!!! OVER HERE!!!

Cernunnos: *questioning roar*

Atoli: COME AND GET ME!!! *starts to run away*

Cernunnos: *roars as she goes after Atoli*

Dekar: It’s working!! Alpha Team, go!!

*Dekar, Endrance, Arkyron, Destaros, Marche, Grey Fox, and Kirby dash towards the ruins of the mansion*

Dekar: Okay! I’ll go into the ruins and look for my scrolls! You guys have to hold off Cernunnos just in case Beta Team can’t! Got it?

Alpha Team: GOT IT!!

*meanwhile…*

Atoli: Catch me if you can, Cernunnos!! …AAAHHH!!!

*Atoli narrowly stops herself from going over the cliff, and Cernunnos draws closer to her*

Atoli: NOW!!!

Cernunnos: *questioning roar*

*Cernunnos turns to his rear to see Haseo, Ovan, Lawliet, Kite, Ciege, Slade, and Hartz*

Haseo: Ready? …SKEITH!!!

Ovan: CORBENIK!!!

Lawliet: SIN!!!

Slade: PIERCE!!!

Kite: AZURE FLAME GOD!!!

*Haseo, Ovan, Lawliet, Slade, and Kite summon their respective Avatars and barrage Cernunnos with projectiles while Ciege and Hartz pummel him with powerful blasts and spells, attempting to push the behemoth over the cliff*

Cernunnos: * anguished roar*

Haseo: He’s weakening!! …Hit ‘im hard!!

*eventually, Cernunnos tips over…*

Everyone: YES!!

*…but the crevice was too small for him to fall into and he simply gets his foot stuck*

Ciege: GODDAMMIT!!! Now what do we do!?!?

Hartz: Now…we pray…

Slade: F**k that!! It’s a good day to die!!

*meanwhile, inside of Cernunnos…*

Voice: …Got any fives?

Sakubo: (Bo) Go fish…

*meanwhile (again)…*

Marche: Dekar, what’s taking so long!?

Dekar: Hey, you try finding something under 6 tons of dirt and rock!!

*Destaros emerges from the rubble*

Destaros: Found it!!

Dekar: My scrolls!?!?

Destaros: No… My lucky nickel!

Dekar: DAMMIT, DESTAROS!!!

*meanwhile (yet again)…*

Lawliet: Don’t let up the attack! Keep it up!!

Haseo: Lawliet!! Why don’t you shut up and help us kick this guy’s ass!?!?

Lawliet: I’m offering moral support!!!

Ciege: Dammit, L!!!

Slade: DEKAR!!! WHAT’S TAKING SO LONG!?!?!?

Dekar: Hey, you try finding something in 6 tons of--

Everyone: WE HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!!!!!

Dekar: Sheesh… The things I do… Huh? …FOUND THEM!!!

Voice: *from inside Cernunnos* It’s about f**king time!! Now get us out of here!!

Sakubo: (Saku) Yeah! It’s cold, it’s dark, and whatever I’m standing in smells like Ovan’s cooking!!

Ovan: HEY!!!!

Dekar: Just hold him off for five more minutes, guys! I need a little time to cast my spell!

Everyone: *groan*

Dekar: *reading from scrolls*

Fire… Water… Wind… Earth… Light… Dark…

Hartz: Take this!!

The six elements make up all of existence…

[/i]

Ciege: Vak Don!!

We are bound to their will…

[/i]

Kirby: *panting* Dammit!! He’s not getting any weaker!!

Arkyron: TRI-EDGE, HELP US!!

Endrance: Would you stop that already!?!?

They grant us life, and we grant them form…

[/i]

Haseo: Atoli!!

Atoli: Yeah?

Haseo: Attack him over there!!

Atoli: Roger that!!

Haseo: Atoli!!

Atoli: Y-Yeah?

Haseo: Never say “Roger that” again!!!

O elements of existence, I summon thee…

[/i]

Marche: YAAAAHHHH!!!! *thrusts his sword into Cernunnos’ skin*

Sakubo: (Bo) Hey, watch it!! You nearly stabbed me with that!!

Marche: S-Sorry!!

Fill the land with thy energy and open the gates to the underworld…

[/i]

Dekar: …NOW!!! EVERYONE GET OUT OF THE WAY!!

*everyone moves away from Cernunnos*

Dekar: GATEWAY TO THE NECROPOLIS, OPEN!!!

*all of a sudden, the giant gateway opens up from underneath Cernunnos and he begins to sink*

Cernunnos: *loudest roar*

Dekar: It’s working!!

Grey Fox: Uh, Dekar? …What about Sakubo?

Dekar: …CRAP!!!

*Cernunnos completely sinks into the necropolis and the gate closes*

Everyone: …

Slade: So… What do we do now?

Kite: Sakubo and the Voice are gone… The house is gone… The Chaos Gate’s still busted…

Destaros: In other words, we’re screwed big time…

*suddenly, the Voice appears carrying Sakubo*

Voice: Excuse me… Does this Sakubo belong to you?

Sakubo: Ohhh… The horror…

Atoli: SAKU!!! YOU’RE ALIVE!!!

Endrance: (Great… Just great…)

Voice: Oh, sure… Just ignore me… F**king bitches… *snaps fingers*

*the mansion is instantly repaired*

Lawliet: Even after all that… We’re still stuck here?

Voice: Hey! You signed a contract!

Everyone: WE DIDN’T SIGN SHIT!!!

Voice: Hmm… That’s right… Well, see ya! *vanishes*

Everyone: …

Haseo: I hate this place… I really do…

Ovan: Well… It can’t be helped… So! Who’s hungry?

*everyone suddenly dashes inside, leaving Ovan behind*

Ovan: …Was it something I said?

*in the control room…*

Voice: …WHO THE F**K RAIDED MY FRIDGE!?!?!?!?

[Hayate]

Voice: Hehehehe… This is, by far, my most diabolical plan ever…

*the execs enter*

Exec 1: OKAY!! What’s on the agenda for today!?

Voice: Watch and laugh, my exec friends… Watch and laugh… *ahem*

*Ovan sleeps soundly in his room…*

Ovan: *snoring*

Voice: Ooooovaaaaan… Ooooovaaaaan…

Ovan: *snoring*

Voice: …OVAN!!!

Ovan: *muttering and smacking his lips*

Voice: Listen to me… Starting tomorrow, you will be…

Ovan: Me…ga… *muttering*

Exec 1: Voice, this is, by far, your most diabolical plan ever…

Voice: I know, right!? And now… We play the waiting game… Hehehe…

Season 4, Episode 8

Haseo: YES!!! A new box of Cocoa Puffs!! Life is sweet!!!

Atoli: You’re welcome, Haseo!

Haseo: …Whatever! MILK!!! MUST HAVE MILK!!!

Lawliet: Haseo… I think you have a problem…

Haseo: SHUT UP AND GET ME SOME GODDAMN MILK!!!!

Kite: …Well, Ciege?

Ciege: …Well what?

Kite: What’s your ESP telling you now?

Ciege: Oh, right. Hold on. Hmm… In exactly 30 seconds from now, there’ll be a crash…

Lawliet: A crash? Pffff! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard…

Ciege: ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME, L!?!?

Lawliet: Oh, shut up, cannon fodder!

Ciege: Hmph!

*Dekar suddenly walks in*

Dekar: Uh, guys? I think something’s wrong with Ovan…

Kite: Meh… It was bound to happen sooner or later… So what’s the problem? Imaginary friend? Or maybe an obsession with shoes?

Dekar: No, nothing like that… But I overheard him in his room talking about some guy named “Sigma”…

Ciege: So it is an imaginary friend.

Dekar: Not really… He was saying things like, “I must defeat Sigma” and “Sigma must be stopped”… It was creepy…

Lawliet: Tch! When is Ovan NOT creepy!? The guy has a giant soda can for an arm!!

Atoli: Oh, forget about Ovan, L! Here, your pancakes are ready!

Lawliet: Nice! I guess even you have something you’re good for, Atoli! Alright! *picks up a fork* Time to eat!!

*suddenly, a loud, harsh crash rattles the house; Lawliet’s pancakes plate jumps up and splatters in his face*

Lawliet: …

Everyone: *muffled laughter*

Lawliet: The first person to bust a gut gets a faceful of dual guns!

*meanwhile, in Ovan’s room…*

Ovan: …Sig…ma…

Voice: Yes, my friend… You must seek out and destroy Sigma… But first, you must find his 8 subordinates, the Mavericks…and eliminate them…

Ovan: Eliminate…the…Mavericks…

Voice: Now go! There isn’t much time before this world becomes overrun with evil!

Ovan: *clenching his bayonet* I won’t…let that…happen…

*in the control room…*

Voice: HA!!! I should get an Academy Award!

Exec 1: …I think you should get medication…

*one hour later…*

Hartz: …

Grey Fox: …

Kirby: …

Hartz: …I’m bored… Hey, Kirby.

Kirby: What?

Hartz: Inflate yourself like a balloon so Fox and I can pop you with darts.

Grey Fox: YEAH!! I’m game!!

Kirby: F**K NO!!!!

Hartz: …

Grey Fox: …Grab his feet!!

Kirby: Get away from me, you psychos!!

*all of a sudden, there’s a gunshot; the three look to their left to see Ovan dressed differently*

Ovan: Lunar Nighthawk: Sighted.

Kirby: Lunar what?

Hartz: Uh… You feeling okay, Ovan? And what’s with the getup?

*suddenly, Ovan aims his gun at Hartz*

Hartz: Uhhh…

Ovan: …Prepare yourself…“Maverick”…

Grey Fox: Maverick? What the hell’s a Maverick?

*Ovan then fires off a gunshot, which Hartz just barely dodges*

Hartz: OVAN!!! What the hell’s gotten into you!?!?

Kirby: Dude, let’s get the f**k out of here!!!

Grey Fox: You don’t have to tell me twice!!!

*Kirby and Fox exit the room, leaving Ovan and Hartz alone*

Ovan: …Take this!

*Ovan fires off a series of gunshots, which Hartz dashes around the room to avoid; Hartz hides behind the couch*

Hartz: *panting*

Ovan: …

*Ovan charges up an energy sphere at the tip of his bayonet; he fires it at the couch, instantly disintegrating it*

Ovan: There’s nowhere to hide!!

Hartz: Oh, crap!!!

Ovan: HAAAAA!!

*Ovan fires off another charged shot, paralyzing Hartz*

Hartz: Okay…I’m officially screwed…

*Ovan’s bayonet then converts to a Data Drain cannon*

Hartz: Okay, I’m DEFINITELY screwed!!

Ovan: FIRE!!!

*Ovan fires his Data Drain, draining Hartz of his power*

Ovan: Lunar Nighthawk: Destroyed. Orion’s Arrow: Acquired.

*as Ovan leaves the room, Hartz is left on the ground in data fragments*

Hartz: …I don’t feel s-so good…

*moments later, outside…*

Arkyron: …I’ll give you 100 GP if you do it.

Slade: 300.

Arkyron: 150.

Slade: 250.

Arkyron: 200.

Slade: Deal.

*Slade looks over the edge of the cliff and takes a deep breath*

Slade: HEY, TABBY!!!!!!!! HASEO’S MAKING OUT WITH ATOLI!!!!!!!

*Slade and Arkyron wait a few seconds, but nothing happens*

Arkyron: …Nothing.

Slade: Bummer.

*suddenly, there’s a gunshot*

Arkyron: What the hell was that!?

*Slade and Arkyron turn around to see Ovan*

Ovan: Gemini Wolfblade: Sighted.

Slade: Gemini? I’m a Virgo!

Arkyron: Uh, Slade? Maybe we should get out of here. Ovan’s not…“all there”…today.

Ovan: Prepare yourself, “Maverick”!

Slade: What’d you call me?

Arkyron: Okay, fine! You go ahead and get your ass kicked! *runs away*

*Ovan fires off shot after shot; Slade fends each off with his blade*

Slade: You’re gonna have to do better than that, blue-hair!

Ovan: …Activate Orion’s Arrow…

*Ovan’s bayonet converts into an arrow cannon*

Ovan: FIRE 1!!!

*Ovan fires 5 arrows simultaneously; Slade fends off 4, but the last arrow pierces his left shoulder*

Slade: GAH!!! Crap!!

Ovan: FIRE 2!!!

*Ovan fires 5 more arrows; this time, two of them pierce Slade’s right leg*

Slade: GAH!!!!!

Ovan: NOW!!!

*Ovan charges up his cannon and fires 20 arrows*

Slade: Oh, lord…

*in the control room…*

Slade: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Voice: OOH!!! That’s gotta hurt!!

Exec 1: Ouch… I wouldn’t wanna be Slade right now…

Exec 2: I don’t think anyone would…

Ovan: Gemini Wolfblade: Destroyed. Twilight Mirage: Acquired.

*hours later…*

Haseo: Guys… Something needs to be done about Ovan… He’s really lost his mind this time…

Endrance: In just the past two hours, he took out Hartz, Slade, Atoli, Ciege, Dekar, and Kirby, and Lawliet!

Sakubo: (Bo) Speaking of Lawliet…

*the remaining housemates look up to see Lawliet’s fragmented body stuck to the ceiling*

Lawliet: I swear to f**king God, as soon as I get down from here, I’m kicking Ovan’s ass all the way to Lumina Cloth!!

Arkyron: Yeah, you keep thinking that, L…

Lawliet: Right after I kick YOUR ass, Arky!!!

Marche: So, what do we do about Ovan?

Destaros: Well, let’s see… We already know he’s acting out a MegaMan game… So, if he defeated 7 of us already… That’s means one is left.

Haseo: The only question is… Who?

*everyone suddenly stares at Haseo*

Haseo: ……What?

*moments later, Haseo stands by himself outside*

Haseo: Let me just say again that I REALLY hate this plan!!

Destaros: *from several feet away* Just shut up and go along with it!!

Marche: So, when is Ovan showing up?

Endrance: Hopefully soon, ‘cuz I’m getting bored…

*seconds later, Ovan appears and gazes at Haseo*

Ovan: Shadow Deathreaper: Sighted. Prepare yourself, “Maverick”!

Haseo: *sigh* Let’s get this over with…

Ovan: Activate Invocation!

*Ovan fires three gunshots at the ground; three undead PCs pop out*

Haseo: Dekar’s power, no doubt…

*Haseo charges forward and destroys the PCs with ease*

Haseo: Is that the best you can do!?

Ovan: Activate Death Note!

*Ovan fires three visible musical notes*

Grey Fox: Lawliet’s power?!? …HASEO!! Don’t let those notes touch you! You’ll die instantly!!

Haseo: Oh, that’s just terrific!!

*Haseo dodges the first two notes, but the third strikes his left leg, causing it to fall asleep*

Haseo: GAH!! I can’t feel my leg!!

Ovan: Time to finish this…! *readies Data Drain cannon*

Haseo: Uh, guys!? Anytime now!!

Destaros: Huh? Oh, right! ATTACK!!!!

*the remaining housemates pounce onto Ovan, holding him in place*

Ovan: Gah…! Get off of me!!

Marche: NOW, HASEO!!!

*Haseo struggles to get to his feet*

Haseo: Grrrr… Okay!

*Haseo then readies his own Data Drain cannon*

Haseo: Okay, guys! As soon as I say now, get the f**k out of the way!!!

*Haseo charges up his Data Drain as Ovan struggles to break free*

Ovan: Grrrr…! Activate Great Inflation!

*Ovan inflates his body with Kirby’s power to break free of the other housemates*

Haseo: DATA DRAIN!!!!!

Ovan: What!?!? *is struck by Data Drain* AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! *passes out*

*in the control room…*

Voice: *sigh* Well… It was good while it lasted…

*everyone gathers around Ovan as he regains consciousness*

Hartz: *in singsong* Oh, Ovan?

Ovan: Ohhh… Huh?

Slade: You have a nice nap?

Ovan: Mmmmm… Yeah, I did actually.

Lawliet: Good… ‘Cuz we’re gonna make sure you never have to wake up again…! *cracks his knuckles*

Ovan: Uh…

Atoli: GET HIM!!!!

Ovan: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

*the defeated housemates start to beat up Ovan, while the others watch*

Grey Fox: …You think we should help out?

Haseo: …Nah.

Marche: There any Pixi Stix left?

Destaros: Uh… I think Sakubo had the last one…

Marche: *takes out broadsword* SAAAAAAAKUUUUUUUBOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Sakubo: (Saku) I don’t like where this is going…

Ovan: GAH!!!! That doesn’t bend that way!!!!!

[Hayate]

*Endrance wakes up one morning*

Endrance: *loud yawn*

*he walks down the stairs and into the living room when he suddenly hears a scratching noise at the door*

Endrance: Huh?

*he opens the door and looks down to see a white-furred kitten*

Kitten: *meow*

Endrance: …A kitten?

*Endrance picks up the kitten and it purrs with a cute face*

Endrance: Aw, how can I ignore a face like that!?

*as Endrance brings the kitten inside, the kitten suddenly smiles evilly*

Season 4, Episode 9

Haseo: EVERY SINGLE TIME, ARKY!!! EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN TIME!!!

Arkyron: NOOOOOO!!!!! I need Cocoa Puffs too!!!!

Haseo: Grrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!

Arkyron: Keep him away!!!! He’s a madman!!!!!!

Atoli: C’mon, you two!! Stop fighting!!

Kite: 2000 GP on the Tri-Edge lover!!!!

Lawliet: 5000 GP on the Atoli lover!!!!!

Haseo: Lawliet, after I beat Arky’s ass, I’m comin’ after you next!!

Ciege: And Endrance walks in here in 3… 2… 1…

*Endrance walks in with the kitten*

Endrance: Hey, guys!

Ciege: HA!! You owe me 100 GP, Kite!!

Kite: …Lucky guess…

Endrance: Look! I made a new friend!!

Kitten: *meow*

Atoli: AWWWWWW!!!!! It’s so CUUUUUUUUTE!!!!!

Lawliet: Yeah… Let’s eat it!!

*Atoli strikes the back of L’s head with a rolling pin*

Everyone: …

Atoli: …What?

Haseo: Nothing… Good work…

Atoli: ^_^

*Endrance sets the kitten down on the kitchen table*

Endrance: Be right back! I’m gonna get some cat food! *leaves the kitchen*

*with Endrance gone, the other housemates crowd around the kitten*

Ciege: Y’know… It is kinda cute…

*suddenly, the cat smiles evilly again, bearing its fangs*

Kite: …I don’t like where this is going…

*minutes later, Endrance returns*

Endrance: I’m back! …GREAT GOOGLY-MOOGLY!!

*Endrance notices the others are covered in scratches and bite marks*

Endrance: What the hell just happened!?!?

Haseo: Your little demon cat just mauled us, that’s what!!

Lawliet: Arkyron’s just been emotionally scarred for life!!

*Arkyron is curled up in the corner, rocking back and forth*

Arkyron: No… Keep the bad kitties away, mommy… Please…

Endrance: My little “Mia” did that?

*Mia walks up to Endrance and caresses his leg with her fur*

Mia: *meow*

Endrance: …And I’m supposed to believe that!? C’mon, guys, she’s just a kitten!

Kite: The cat is evil!!! EVIL!!!! I demand an exorcism!!!!!

Endrance: You guys are just jealous ‘cuz I have a pet and you don’t!

Atoli: I have a pet! His name’s Haseo!!!

Haseo: …I’m gonna forget I ever heard that…

Endrance: *picks up Mia* C’mon, Mia!! Let’s get away from these envious c.ockbags!!

Mia: *meow*

*Endrance leaves the kitchen with Mia*

Arkyron: No… No… Stay away… AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! THE CATS!!!! THE HORRIBLE, TERRIFYING CATS!!!!!!

*later, in the living room…*

Endrance: Isn’t she cute!? I found her this morning!!

Sakubo: (Saku) AW, LOOK!!! She’s playing with a ball of yarn!!

Marche: *sneezes*

Slade: What’s with you? You’ve been sneezing all day.

Marche: I’m allergic to cat fur… *sneezes*

*Ovan puts a glass fishbowl over Marche’s head, drowning out his sneezes*

Ovan: That’s better…

Marche: *muffled speech*

Ovan: *lifts up the fishbowl* What was that? I didn’t catch it…

Marche: I said, “Go to hell, Ovan!!!”

Ovan: Oh… *breaks fishbowl on Marche’s head*

Marche: Nighty-night… *passes out*

Slade: Now, THAT’S better…!

Endrance: Hey, could you guys watch Mia while I go out to get some cat toys for Mia?

Sakubo: (Saku) Sure!

Endrance: Thanks! Be back soon!

*Endrance goes to Mac Anu via special request to the Voice and returns with a bunch of cat toys*

Endrance: Okay, I’m back! …WHAT THE F**K!?!?!?

*everyone in the living room was covered in scratches and bite marks; the curtains, carpeting, and couch were all torn to shreds*

Ovan: I just now realized how much I hate cats…

Endrance: MIA!!

Mia: *scared meow* *jumps into Endrance’s arms*

Endrance: You guys!! What do you think you’re doing to my Mia!?

Slade: US?!?!? It’s that damn furball’s fault!!

Sakubo: (Bo) Yeah!!! I say we throw the damn thing over the cliff and see if it lands on its feet!!!

Endrance: IF YOU COME ANYWHERE NEAR MY MIA, I’LL KILL YOU!!!!

Everyone: …

*Endrance leaves the room*

Marche: *wakes up* …What’d I miss? …And why am I covered in scratches?

Slade: You had sex with Sakubo. It wasn’t pretty.

Marche: Oh……………………WHAT!?!?!?!?!?

*later…*

Mia: *excited meowing*

Endrance: Hehehe…

*Endrance plays outside with Mia; Dekar, Destaros, Hartz, and Grey Fox watch them from the shadows*

Dekar: You sure this’ll work, Hartz? That cat’s pretty crafty…

Hartz: It has to!! That cat’s caused us enough trouble!!

Destaros: I don’t know about this, Hartz. I mean, how much damage can one cat cause?

Hartz: You’ve seen what that monster is capable of!! Just look at Kirby!!

*Hartz picks up Kirby, who’s deflated like a balloon*

Kirby: Ohhhh… The scratching… The oh-so-scary scratching…

Dekar: Okay, okay!! …What’s first?

Hartz: *takes out a ball of yarn* Plan A, of course!

*Hartz rolls the yarn ball towards Endrance; it eventually rolls past him and towards the cliff*

Mia: *meow?*

*the ball attracts Mia’s attention and she goes after it*

Endrance: Huh? Mia?

Hartz: Come on… Just a little further…

*the yarn ball rolls over the cliff; just before Mia goes over as well, Endrance catches her*

Endrance: Be careful, Mia! You could’ve gotten seriously hurt!

Mia: *meow*

Endrance: Hmm… Where did that ball of yarn come from though?

*in the shadows…*

Destaros: *sarcastically* Great plan, Hartz!!

Hartz: Oh, shut up!!! There’s still Plan B!!

Dekar: Yeah, about that…

*Grey Fox steps out in a dog costume*

Grey Fox: This is f**king humiliating…

Hartz: You wanna get rid of that cat, don’t you!?

Grey Fox: That cat didn’t do anything to me!!!

Hartz: JUST GET OUT THERE AND SCARE OFF THAT CAT!!!!

Grey Fox: Note to self: Kill Hartz. *sigh* Might as well get this over with…

*Grey Fox gets down on all fours and dashes towards Endrance*

Dekar: …Are you sure about this, Hartz?

Hartz: …Not really. But it’s always fun watching Fox make a fool out of himself.

Destaros: …This is the most f**ked episode ever…

Kirby: Meh… I’ve experienced worse…

Endrance: …

*suddenly, Endrance starts to hear fake barking*

Endrance: What the hell?

*Grey Fox dashes towards Endrance on all fours, barking like a dog*

Endrance: GREY FOX!?!? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?!?

*Grey Fox suddenly pounces onto Endrance; at the last second, Endrance steps out of the way, causing Grey Fox to fly over the cliff’s side*

Grey Fox: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Endrance: …

Destaros: *sarcastically* Great plan, Hartz!!!

Hartz: WOULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP, DESTAROS!?!?

Endrance: Who said that!?

Hartz: *gasp* *covers his mouth*

*Endrance walks over to where Dekar, Destaros, and Hartz were hiding*

Dekar: Uh… Hi?

Endrance: …You guys were trying to get rid of Mia, weren’t you?

Destaros: What!? O-Of course not, Endrance!!

Kirby: Is the scary cat gone?

Hartz: Shut up, Kirby!!

Endrance: …

*Mia suddenly jumps out of Endrance’s arms and attacks the three*

Dekar/Destaros/Hartz: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Endrance: …Mia?

*when it’s over, Dekar, Destaros, and Hartz are covered in scratches*

Mia: *meow!*

Hartz: Now do you see what we’re talking about, Endrance!?!? That cat’s nothing but trouble!!!!

Dekar: We have to get rid of it!!!!

Destaros: I can’t feel my legs!!!!

Endrance: …Mia…

Mia: *sad meow*

Endrance: Hmm… Actually, I think I’m gonna keep her!! Maybe now you guys will start to treat me with the respect I deserve!! Hmph!!! *walks inside*

Destaros: … *sarcastically* Great plan, Hartz!!!

Hartz: FOR THE LAST TIME, DESTAROS, SHUT THE F**K UP!!!!!

*later that night, at dinner…*

Everyone: Itadakimasu!!

Lawliet: Dibs on the steak!!

Haseo: No fair!! You always have the steak!!

Ciege: Ketchup!! Where’s the damn ketchup!?

Sakubo: HEY!!! THAT’S MINE, FOX!!!

Grey Fox: Ya snooze, ya lose!

Ovan: *sigh* Every night’s the same thing…

*eventually, dinner is nearly over*

Endrance: Ooh! The last piece of miso pork’s mine!!

*Endrance reaches for the piece of miso pork, but Kite grabs and eats it first*

Kite: *gulp* Hahahaha!!! Too slow!!!

Endrance: …Mia…?

*Mia jumps onto Endrance’s shoulder and growls at Kite*

Kite: …Uh-oh…

[Hayate]

*Slade sleeps soundly in his room*

Slade: *loud snoring*

*suddenly, Mia wanders into the room*

Mia: *meow*

*Mia suddenly jumps onto Slade’s bed and observes him*

Slade: *loud snoring*

Mia: *meow?*

*Endrance tiptoes into Slade’s room*

Endrance: *whispering* Oh, Mia! There you are! Don’t sneak off like that!

*Endrance picks Mia up and notices Slade sleeping*

Slade: *loud snoring*

Endrance: …Man, this guy could wake up half of Mac Anu with that snoring! Let’s go back to bed, Mia.

Mia: *meow!*

*before leaving, Endrance notices that Slade’s computer was still on*

Endrance: Hmm?

*on the monitor is a folder titled “Slade’s Fanfics”*

Endrance: Hmm…

*Endrance saves Slade’s folder to a floppy disk and sneaks out of the room*

Endrance: Hehehehehehehehehehe--

*suddenly, time freezes and Voice walks onto the scene*

Voice: Yeah. I know what you’re thinking. “If all this takes place in a computer game, how does Slade have a computer?” Well, there’s a very reasonable explanation for that. *ahem* Slade has a computer ‘cuz I SAID SO!!!! NOW ON WITH THE EPISODE!!!!

Season 4, Episode 10

*several hours later, Slade wakes up*

Slade: *yawn* …Hmm? My computer’s on? …Oh, that’s right. Late-night fic-writing. Huh? *sniff* …Why does my bed smell like cat piss? …Dammit, Endrance!!

*Slade walks downstairs and stuffs his sheets in the laundry basket*

Slade: When I find that cat, I’m ripping its legs off!! *walks into the kitchen* Have you guys seen Endrance!?

*Slade notices that Haseo, Atoli, Kite, Lawliet, Ciege, and Arkyron all have their faces buried in sheets of paper*

Everyone: …

Slade: …What are you guys reading?

Atoli: SLADE!!!

*Atoli suddenly runs up to Slade and gazes at him with tears in her eyes*

Slade: A-Atoli!?

Atoli: I just wanna say that I think your feelings for Gabi are absolutely beautiful!! *sobs*

Slade: What the hell are you talking about!?!?

Lawliet: HEY!!! I find this offensive!!! To think that I, the Fiery Musician, would serenade Ciege!!! That’s just sick!!!

Slade: Sere…nade? What?

Haseo: *chuckles* Hey, Slade! What happens between Silabus and Gaspard next? I gotta find out, man!! HA!!

Slade: Silabus and… Wait, let me see that!!!

*Slade snatches the sheet of paper from Ciege’s hands*

Ciege: Hey, I was reading that!!!

Slade: … *eye twitches* This is… THIS IS MY FANFICTION!!!!!

Ciege: Yeah, no kidding! Now let me finish reading it!! I wanna see if Piros will kiss Sakaki!!!

Slade: WHERE DID YOU GET THIS FROM?!?!?!?

Kite: It was the weirdest thing. This morning, we just saw them hanging on our room doors.

*Slade examines the paper further to find a piece of cat fur on it*

Slade: …Where’s Endrance!?!?

Arkyron: I think he’s in his room…

Slade: GRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! *dashes upstairs*

Arkyron: …That was weird…

Lawliet: Not as weird as imagining Dekar holding hands with Marche… *shudders* I just got a mental picture!!

Atoli: You’re all horrible!!! I happen to think these stories are very touching!!!

Haseo: Oh, shut up and make us breakfast, Atoli!!

*upstairs, in Endrance’s room…*

Endrance: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh, man! This stuff is just too rich!! And look, Mia!!! Our site already has 3 million hits!!!

Mia: *excited meow*

*Slade slams the door open*

Slade: EEEEEEEENDRAAAAAAAAAAANCE!!!!!!!!

Endrance: Hey! Look who it is!! The man of the hour himself!! To what do I owe this visit?

*Slade dashes up to Endrance, holds him up by his collar, and draws his blade*

Slade: YOU HAVE A LOT OF EXPLAINING TO DO, YOU C.OCKBAG!!!!

Endrance: Aw, come on, Slade. Don’t you wanna be popular?

Slade: Sure!! How about this for popularity?!? “Former Demon Palace Emperor found dead in ditch with head detached”!?!?

Endrance: Now, now, Slade… You’d better control yourself…or else…

Slade: Or else WHAT!?!?

*Endrance rests his finger on his keyboard’s “Enter” key*

Endrance: …Or else I press this button and your fanfictions go worldwide…

Slade: Grrrr…

*Slade puts his blade away and drops Endrance onto the floor*

Endrance: …There… Doesn’t it feel good knowing you didn’t kill me?

*Slade suddenly kicks Endrance in his stomach*

Slade: No… But that did… *walks out of the room*

Mia: *worried meow*

Endrance: I’m fine, Mia… But Slade’s gonna be far from fine… *presses “Enter” key*

Slade: I HEARD THAT!!!

*Slade’s flung blade suddenly connects with the side of Endrance’s body*

Endrance: GAH!!! My ribs!!!

*later that day…*

Slade: …

Destaros: Hey, Slade!! Nice HaseoXOvan fanfiction!!

Slade: … *eye twitch*

Marche: Hey, Slade!! I resent this!! Me holding hands with Dekar?! That’s just wrong!!

Slade: … *twitch* *twitch*

Kirby: Hey, Slade!! I’ll give ya 5 bucks to make a yaoi about Hartz so I can use it as blackmail later!!

Slade: … (I swear to God I’m gonna strangle the next person that talks to me…)

*Voice suddenly appears next to Slade*

Voice: Hello, bitch!! *gets strangled* GAH!!!! Let go, Slade…! It’s me, the Voice!!

Slade: I KNOW!!!!!!

Voice: *choking* Let go!!! I have good news!!!

Slade: WHAT NEWS COMING FROM YOU COULD POSSIBLY BE GOOD NEWS!?!?!?

Voice: *choking* How about…the fact that…you’re famous!?!?!?

Slade: …Famous? *lets go of Voice’s neck* …I’m listening.

Voice: *panting* Like I was saying… Ever since the people in Mac Anu have started reading your yaoi, your popularity’s shot through the roof!!

Slade: …Go on.

Voice: There’s not a single person in Mac Anu that isn’t reading your yaoi--

Slade: …Oh, really? *smirks*

Voice: --which is why I’ve arranged a yaoi signing for you in Mac Anu.

Slade: …Yaoi signing?

Voice: It’s like a book signing, only with more girls.

Slade: …Wow… Who’d have thought?

*hours later, in the Mac Anu Central District, Slade sits behind a desk signing his own yaoi books for Player Characters*

Slade: …Here you go!

Girl PC: Thanks, Slade!! I love you!!

Bodyguard: Okay, girly, move on. You’re holding up the line.

Girl PC: NOOO!!!! LET ME TOUCH HIM!!!! LET ME LICK HIM!!!! JUST ONCE!!!!!

Slade: …

*behind the desk, the other housemates watch*

Lawliet: GAAAAAAAH!!!!! This totally sucks!! Slade’s gotten even more popular than me!!! And that’s saying something!!!

Ovan: Shouldn’t we be happy for Slade and his new status?

Endrance: F**K THAT!!!! He wouldn’t have gotten popular if it wasn’t for me!!!

Grey Fox: Hmm… That gives me an idea!

Hartz: This doesn’t involve a rottweiler, does it!? ‘Cuz I’m still healing from last time!!!

Grey Fox: Don’t worry, I learned my lesson.

Sakubo: (Saku) I used to be one of the most adorable PCs in Mac Anu!!! Then, once, Slade gets popular, everyone forgets about me!! I WANT TO BE LOVED!!!! What’s the plan, Fox!?

Dekar: Yeah, and say it before I have to drive a stake through Slade’s head!!

Grey Fox: You know how Endrance made Slade popular by making his yaoi public?

Everyone: Yeah…

Grey Fox: Well, how do you make someone unpopular?

[SFX: Tick, tock]

Everyone: …

[SFX: Buzzer]

Grey Fox: MAKE THEM LOOK BAD!!!!

Everyone: …Ahhh…

Grey Fox: … (I’m surrounded by f**king idiots…)

*back at the house…*

Grey Fox: Okay! Here’s what we do! We write a bad yaoi, say that it was written by Slade, and post it on the BBS! Slade’s popularity will go down in no time!

Dekar: That’s the dirtiest, most underhanded thing I’ve ever heard…

Hartz: …Let’s do it!!

Dekar: HELL YEAH!!!

Grey Fox: Just one thing, though: Slade CAN’T know what we’re doing, so we’ll need at least two people to stand watch outside the room.

Atoli: OOH!!! Me!!! Me!!! Pick me!!!

Grey Fox: Hmm…

Atoli: Me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Grey Fox: Haseo! Lawliet! You stand watch!

Lawliet: Fine…

Haseo: Whatever…

Atoli: AWWWWWWW!!!!!!

*30 minutes later, Slade returns to the house, his face covered in kisses*

Slade: WHOO!!! What an after-party!!!

*Slade walks upstairs and finds Haseo and Lawliet standing outside Grey Fox’s bedroom*

Slade: Haseo? Lawliet? …What are you guys doing?

Haseo: Standing.

Slade: …Why?

Lawliet: What’s it to you, yaoi-boy?

Slade: Hmm… Maybe my next fic will be about you two. Hehehe…

Haseo: Do what you want.

Slade: …And another thing: Where is everybody? Normally, Marche would be raving about Pixi Stix about now…

Lawliet: …They’re around…

Slade: …Uh-huh… *walks away*

Haseo: …Smooth as silk…

*meanwhile…*

Grey Fox: YES!!! It’s finished!

Kite: Wow… This fic really sucks… Even by yaoi standards…

Arkyron: *reads finished fanfic* … *throws up* Ugh… Carrots!! Why always carrots!? I didn’t even eat carrots!!

Kirby: Well, what’d you guys expect? It’s supposed to suck. That was the plan!!

Marche: …What plan?

Destaros: Just shut up, Marche…

Hartz: Well, now that’s left is to post it on the BBS.

Grey Fox: Yup. So… Who’ll have the honors?

Atoli: OOH!!! Me, me, me, me, me!!!! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Grey Fox: …Ovan! You do it!!

Ovan: Sweet!

Atoli: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!

*Ovan presses the “Enter” key, and the bad fanfic is posted all over the BBS; later, everyone in Mac Anu reads it*

Boy PC: THIS IS HORRIBLE!!!

Girl PC: MY EYES!!! THEY BURN!!!

Piros the 3rd: SLADE!!!! WHY HAST THOU BETRAYED ME!?!?!?

*the next day…*

Slade: What the hell!?!? I didn’t write this!!!!

Voice: Do you realize I just shelled out 7000 GP on this signing!?!? And NO ONE CAME!?!?!? WHAT THE F**K!?!?

Slade: I’m telling you!! I didn’t write this!!!!

Voice: YOU OWE ME 7000 GP, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!

*in the next room…*

Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Ovan: Your best plan ever, Fox!!!

Sakubo: (Bo) Oh, god!!! That was priceless!!!!

Mia: *meow!*

Endrance: You said it, Mia!!! *laughs*

Haseo: Uh-oh! He’s coming! Everyone, shut up!

*Slade walks into the kitchen looking emo*

Lawliet: It’s about time!! Atoli said we had to wait for you before we could eat!!

Slade: … *sits down*

Kite: What’s wrong, Slade? Your popularity suddenly plummeted? *muffled giggle*

Slade: …I don’t wanna talk about it…

Ciege: Ah, he’s just sore about the yaoi he didn’t write!

Everyone: !!!!!

Slade: …

Ciege: …Oops…

*Slade gets out of his seat*

Slade: Ciege… How do you know I didn’t write that fic…?

Ciege: U-Uh… Well… I just overheard you talking with Voice! Yeah! That’s it!

*Slade suddenly holds Ciege up by his collar*

Ciege: Eeeep!

*Slade’s eyes suddenly start to swirl, hypnotizing Ciege*

Slade: …Who wrote the fic, Ciege?

Ciege: *in a zombie-like voice* …Grey…Fox…

*Slade drops Ciege and turns to his right, noticing Grey Fox sneaking towards the back door*

Grey Fox: Uhhh…

Slade: GREEEEEEEEEEY FOOOOOOOOOX!!!!!!! *summons Avatar Pierce*

Grey Fox: OH, SHIT!!!

*Pierce chases Fox outside*

Everyone: …

Dekar: Well… At least Ciege didn’t tell Slade that we helped…

Endrance: Yeah… Or else we’d be…you know…dead…

Grey Fox: OH, GOD, IT BURNS LIKE A THOUSAND HELLS!!!!!!!

Everyone: …

[Hayate]

Voice: Hello, and welcome to .hax//WTF! We’ve had four great seasons so far – not discounting a few bonus episodes – and what better way to kick off the new season than with a look back at the best of the best!

Haseo: …Hey, Voice. …Who’re you talking to?

Voice: GO AWAY, HASEO!!! YOU COME ON WHEN I SAY SO!!!!

Haseo: Whatever…c.ockbag…

Voice: I heard that! *starts playing Lawliet’s music on a tape recorder*

Haseo: OH, GOD!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!

Voice: *ahem* As I was saying… We decided to--

Kite: What do you mean “we”?! This was all your f**ked-up idea!!

Voice: That’s not the--

Endrance: Is it my turn yet? Huh? Is it? IS IT!?

Voice: Okay, that’s it!!!!

*Voice triggers an explosion that blows everyone off-stage*

Ciege: GAH!!! *muffled* Atoli, get your elbow out of my mouth!

Atoli: Oops! Sorry, Ciege!

Voice: *ahem* As I was saying… We decided to take a look back at the best moments of WTF that made it the successful show it is today! Ladies and gentlemen… I give you… The .hax//WTF Top Five!!!

*silence*

Lawliet: Okay, seriously, Voice. Who’re you talking to?

Voice: *eye twitches* *snaps fingers*

*a live studio audience appears, cheering*

Dekar: HOLY SHIT!!!! …I think my heart just stopped… *checks pulse* …Yup… *passes out*

Voice: Let’s get right down to it, shall we? First, I present to you the best housemates ranked at number 5!!

*drum-roll* *silence*

Voice: …Dammit! Who took the ranking board!?

Kirby: Ranking board? I thought it was hard candy… *throws up the ranking board, covered in saliva*

*audience goes “eww”*

Voice: …Excuse me for a minute…

~ PLEASE STAND BY ~

Voice: GET OVER HERE, KIRBY!!!

Kirby: No!!! Stay away from me!!! …GAH!!! OW!!! OWW!!!!

Grey Fox: Hey, Voice!! Use this fire poker!!

Kirby: NO!!! …OWWWWW!!!! That doesn’t belong in here!!!!

~ PLEASE STAND BY ~

*Kirby is shown covered in blood and bruises with the fire poker shoved up his ass*

Kirby: …Why am I beaten up in every episode?

Hartz: ‘Cuz j00 phail!

Voice: …Once again, the best housemates ranked at number 5!!!

*drum-roll* *ranking board shows Lawliet*

Voice: And it looks like Lawliet’s ranked at number 5!!! Give ‘im a hand, folks!!

*audience cheers as Lawliet walks onto the stage*

Lawliet: Hehehe…

Voice: Congratulations for making 5th best housemate, Lawliet!! You have anything to say to the audience?

Lawliet: “Say”? Pffff!! The Lawliet never has to “say” anything. Just this…

*Lawliet flicks his hair and flashes a suave smile*

Girls: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! LAWLIET, WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!

Lawliet: See?

Voice: …Yeah… You can go now…

Lawliet: Hold on… Just a little longer… *flashes a smile again*

Girls: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Lawliet: Hehehe…

*Voice suddenly kicks Lawliet off the stage…literally*

Voice: …Let’s roll the clip…

Haseo: Atoli… I don’t mean to be rude, but… YOU’VE BEEN HOLDING ONTO ME FOR THE PAST SEVEN HOURS!!! WHEN ARE YOU GONNA LET ME GO!?!?

Atoli: NEVER!!!!!!!

*Lawliet enters*

Haseo: Lawliet!! Could you please get this bear trap off me!?

Lawliet: … *flashes an evil smile*

Haseo: I don’t like where this is going…

Arkyron: THE POWER OF TRI-EDGE COMPELS YOU!!! *gets killed by Lawliet* GAAAHHH!!! My liver!!

Lawliet: …The Sin of Shadows strikes again… *walks away*

Haseo: Wait! Lawliet, where are you going!? Dammit!! Where’s a f**king priest when you need one!?

*hours later…*

Ovan: Something needs to be done about Lawliet. In just the past few hours, all of the people he killed aren’t coming back to life for some reason.

BlackEcho: So, what ARE we supposed to do?

Dekar: We must give of ourselves to the gods and beg their forgiveness!! *is hit in the head with a beer bottle* Oof! *passes out*

Ciege: There! Now, does anyone have a GOOD idea!? *everyone stares at Ciege* …What’s everyone glaring at me for?

Haseo: Well, Lawliet does like setting Ciege on fire…

Ciege: Oh, no!! We ain’t doing that!! No way in hell!!

Everyone: …

Ciege: …

Marche: GRAB HIS LEGS!!!

*Eventually, Ciege stands by himself on a cliff, bound by ropes*

Ciege: I swear to God, I’m gonna get you guys for this!!

*Lawliet approaches the cliff*

Lawliet: …H-Huh? *Lawliet’s sane side takes control* Cannon fodder?

Voice from Above: No!! Obey me, minion!!

Lawliet: Ah, screw you! *goes up to Ciege* Vak Don! *sets Ciege on fire and pushes him over the cliff* MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Mia: Yay! Lawliet’s back to normal!

Kite: …Define “normal”…

*audience laughs and cheers*

Voice: …Well done, Lawliet. Truly 5th place material, isn’t he, folks? …Okay, then! Let’s move onto the 4th place winner!!

*drum-roll* *ranking board shows Endrance*

Voice: And it’s Endrance!!!

*audience cheers as Endrance walks out*

Endrance: *mouthing kisses to the crowd* Mwah! Mwah! Thank you! You’re too kind!

Voice: …

Endrance: I just wanna thank all my fans for their support!!!

Voice: …Are you done?

Endrance: Almost… Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

Voice: Endrance, look! Marche is squeezing Mia’s tail, thinking it’s a Pixi Stix tube!

Marche: I did what now?

Endrance: WHAT!?!?!? *draws blade*

Marche: Oh, shit!! *runs away*

Endrance: Come back here, you Pixi Stix addict!!!

Voice: …Roll the clip please…

*Endrance hears a scratching noise at the door*

Endrance: Huh?

*he opens the door and looks down to see a white-furred kitten*

Kitten: *meow*

Endrance: …A kitten?

*Endrance picks up the kitten and it purrs with a cute face*

Endrance: Aw, how can I ignore a face like that!?

*hours later…*

Endrance: …You guys were trying to get rid of Mia, weren’t you?

Destaros: What!? O-Of course not, Endrance!!

Endrance: …

*Mia suddenly jumps out of Endrance’s arms and attacks the three*

Dekar/Destaros/Hartz: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

*when it’s over, Dekar, Destaros, and Hartz are covered in scratches*

Mia: *meow!*

Hartz: Now do you see what we’re talking about, Endrance!?!? That cat’s nothing but trouble!!!!

Dekar: We have to get rid of it!!!!

Destaros: I can’t feel my legs!!!!

Endrance: Hmm… Actually, I think I’m gonna keep her!! Maybe now you guys will start to treat me with the respect I deserve!! Hmph!!! *walks inside*

Destaros: … *sarcastically* Great plan, Hartz!!!

Hartz: FOR THE LAST TIME, DESTAROS, SHUT THE F**K UP!!!!!

*audience laughs and cheers*

Voice: A hearty congrats to Endrance! Now let’s move on to the 3rd place!!

*drum-roll* *ranking board shows Arkyron and Slade*

Voice: Wow!! Isn’t this something, ladies and gentlemen!? Both Arkyron and Slade have tied for 3rd place!! Let’s give ‘em a round of applause!!

*audience cheers*

Voice: …

*audience cheers*

Voice: …

*cheering begins to die down*

Voice: …Where the f**k are those two!?

*Destaros runs onto the stage and whispers into Voice’s ear*

Voice: …Goddammit… Arkyron and Slade couldn’t be here to accept their award because Slade owes Arkyron’s money, thus ensuing the same damn joke as last time… Roll the clips…

Arkyron: Hey, Haseo! I’ll bet you 5,000 GP that Atoli latches onto you within the next 10 seconds!

Haseo: HA!! 10 seconds!? You’re on!! *runs around the house* 10 seconds… Gotta find somewhere to hide! *notices a closet* Aha! Perfect! *opens the door*

Atoli: HASEO!!!

Haseo: No… No…! NO!! *Atoli latches onto him* God-f**king-dammit!!

Arkyron: HAHAHA!!! I win!! Pay up!!

Haseo: Arrgh! *checks his GP pocket* Damn… Sorry, Arky. I don’t have it on me right now. I’ll have it tomorrow, okay--

*Voice fast-forwards through the clip*

Voice: This part’s boring…

Arkyron: *whispering* …Yeah, you’d better remember, bitch--

*fast-forward*

Haseo: *gets slashed across the face* AAAAHHHH!!!! MY FACE!!!

Arkyron: You think I’m playing around, huh!? You think I’m playing around!?--

*fast-forward*

Atoli: Hi, Haseo!!

Haseo: NOT NOW, ATOLI!!!--

*fast-forward*

*gets shot in the leg with a bayonet* GAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! How the hell are you wielding a bayonet!?--

*fast-forward*

Arkyron: Aw, c’mon, Haseo! Look, I admit I may have overreacted a little bit--

Haseo: A LITTLE BIT!?!? YOU F**KING SET ME ON FIRE!!!--

*fast-forward*

Voice: Dammit, where is it!? …Oh, here it is!

Arkyron: Hey, look! A herd of Grunties!

Haseo: Yeah, imagine that… *pushes Arkyron over the edge*

Arkyron: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! *gets run over by Grunties* GAAAAHHHHH!!!!! My spleen!!! My ribcage!!! My kidneys!!!

Haseo: …Now, we’re cool…

Voice: HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! PWNED!!!! …Uhhh…

*audience stares at Voice*

Voice: …

*suddenly, Arkyron runs in chasing Slade with a flamethrower*

Arkyron: RAGGLE-FRAGGLE!!!!!

Slade: HELP ME!!!! HE’S LOST HIS MIND!!! …AGAIN!!!!!!

Voice: …Oh, forget it! Roll the other clip!

*Slade snatches the sheet of paper from Ciege’s hands*

Ciege: Hey, I was reading that!!!

Slade: … *eye twitches* This is… THIS IS MY FANFICTION!!!!!

Ciege: Yeah, no kidding! Now let me finish reading it!! I wanna see if Piros will kiss Sakaki!!!

Slade: WHERE DID YOU GET THIS FROM?!?!?!?

Kite: It was the weirdest thing. This morning, we just saw them hanging on our room doors.

*Slade examines the paper further to find a piece of cat fur on it*

Slade: …Where’s Endrance!?!?

Arkyron: I think he’s in his room…

Slade: GRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

*later that day…*

Slade: … (I swear to God I’m gonna strangle the next person that talks to me…)

*Voice suddenly appears next to Slade*

Voice: Hello, bitch!! *gets strangled* GAH!!!! Let go, Slade…! It’s me, the Voice!!

Slade: I KNOW!!!!!!

Voice: *choking* Let go!!! I have good news!!!

Slade: WHAT NEWS COMING FROM YOU COULD POSSIBLY BE GOOD NEWS!?!?!?

Voice: *choking* How about…the fact that…you’re famous!?!?!?

Slade: …Famous? *lets go of Voice’s neck* …I’m listening.

Voice: *panting* Like I was saying… Ever since the people in Mac Anu have started reading your yaoi, your popularity’s shot through the roof!!

Slade: …Go on.

Voice: There’s not a single person in Mac Anu that isn’t reading your yaoi--

Slade: …Oh, really? *smirks*

*hours later, in the Mac Anu Central District, Slade sits behind a desk signing his own yaoi books for Player Characters*

Slade: …Here you go!

Girl PC: Thanks, Slade!! I love you!!

Bodyguard: Okay, girly, move on. You’re holding up the line.

Girl PC: NOOO!!!! LET ME TOUCH HIM!!!! LET ME LICK HIM!!!! JUST ONCE!!!!!

*the next day…*

Slade: What the hell!?!? I didn’t write this!!!!

Voice: Do you realize I just shelled out 7000 GP on this signing!?!? And NO ONE CAME!?!?!? WHAT THE F**K!?!?

Slade: I’m telling you!! I didn’t write this!!!!

Voice: YOU OWE ME 7000 GP, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!

Voice: Hey!!! I never did get that 7000!!! Damn you, Slade!!!

*audience stares at Voice*

Voice: …Uh… W-Well, let’s keep it going, shall we? Now for the 2nd place winner!

*drum-roll* *ranking board shows Haseo and Marche*

Voice: Well, well!! Another two-way winner, folks!! It’s Haseo and Marche!!

*audience cheers as Haseo and Marche walk on stage*

Voice: Congrats on 2nd place, you two! Any words to share?

Haseo: Well--

Marche: Hey, look!!! I’m on TV!!! Hi, mom!!!

Haseo: …Anyway--

Marche: WHOO!!!! CHECK IT!!!! I’M ON TV!!!!

Haseo: …Uh--

Marche: RAISE DA ROOF!!!!!

Haseo: …Voice, if you wouldn’t mind…?

Voice: …Please do…

~ PLEASE STAND BY ~

Marche: HEY, RITZ!!! HEY, MONTBLANC!!! …Uh, Haseo, what’re you doing with that broadsword?

Haseo: Nothing… Now hold still!

Marche: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! …GAH!!!!

[SFX: Squish]

*audience goes “eww”*

~ PLEASE STAND BY ~

*Marche is shown with a broadsword-shaped torso*

Marche: …This is gonna hurt when I go to the bathroom…

Haseo: …

Voice: …Roll the clips before I lose whatever amount of sanity I have left…

Haseo: …Morning…

Kite: Hey, Haseo… You look kinda different…

Slade: Your Wave tattoos are gone…

Mia: Take a look! *gives Haseo her mirror*

Haseo: *looks into mirror* Huh… Oh, well… I’m sure it’s no big deal. Are there any Reese’s Puffs left?

Slade: Second cabinet.

Haseo: Score!

*as Haseo looks through the cabinet, his spiky tail vanishes*

Mia: Uh… Haseo?

Haseo: What now!?

Mia: …Nothing.

*later…*

Ciege: Hey, what’s going on?

Haseo: Atoli’s kicking Arkyron’s ass, that’s what! I gotta admit, it’s kinda fun watching Arky sweat!

Arkyron: Shut up, Atoli-lover!

Haseo: Let’s get one thing clear, okay!?!? I don’t love Atoli!!! I don’t even like Atoli!!! I find it baffling that I can tolerate Atoli for longer than ten seconds!!! OKAY!?!? I DON’T LOVE ATOLI!!!!!! GOT IT MEMORIZED!?!?!?

*everyone looks at Haseo with raised eyebrows*

Haseo: ……What?

*later…*

Grey Fox: GREAT GOOGLY-MOOGLY!!!!! HASEO, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU!?!?

Haseo: …What the hell are you talking about?

Hartz: Dude, have you looked at yourself recently!?!?

Haseo: …

*Haseo walks over to the lake that runs behind the mansion and looks at his reflection in the water*

Haseo: WHAT THE F**K!?!?

*Haseo bursts in the house*

Haseo: WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME!?!?!?!?

*everyone looks at Haseo and gasps*

Dekar: Haseo!!! Your hair!!! It’s red!!!

*Ovan walks in from the kitchen and looks at Haseo*

Ovan: …Oh, no… Haseo… You joined the circus, didn’t you!? How many times do I have to tell you, Haseo!?!? The circus is for f.ags, convicts, and people with deformities!!!

*hours later…*

Haseo: VOICE!!! It’s done! Now change me back already!!

Voice: *sigh* Fine, fine… Boy, you sure do know how to ruin someone else’s fun, Haseo… *snaps fingers*

*Haseo turns back to his Adept Rogue 3rd Form*

Haseo: *sigh* Thank God…

Atoli: So, Haseo! How’s it feel to be the Terror of Death again?

Haseo: How do you think I feel!?!? …I’m just glad this day’s finally over…

*suddenly, Haseo’s hair turns blond and he sprouts angel wings; everyone gawks at him*

Haseo: ……What?

*audience laughs and cheers*

Haseo: …

Voice: Aw, c’mon, Haseo! You gotta admit that was funny!

Haseo: F**k you, Voice! F**k this whole f**king Top Five thing! I’m going to my room to listen to My Chemical Romance! *storms off*

Voice: …Well, I can certainly tell who’s next to become emo…

Haseo: AND YOUR MOTHER’S A PROSTITUTE!!!

Voice: …Anyway… Roll the other clip…

Ritz: My name is Ritz Malheur.

Montblanc: I’m Montblanc! But you can just call me “Blanc” for short! *kupo*

Slade: How do you know Marche?

Marche: I told you before, we all visited the world of Ivalice a while ago.

Ritz: Marche! How many times do we have to tell you this!? It was all a dream!!!

Marche: No, it wasn’t!! It was real!! I know it was!!

Slade: …Apparently, Marche isn’t all there, is he?

Ritz: Nope… A snowball accident… Long story…

*later…*

Voice: If you can beat in 3 out of 5 contests, I’ll let you leave with Marche. But if you lose, you have to stay here and become another of my bitches!!!

Montblanc: Don’t do it, Ritz! It has to be a trick!!

Ritz: …Deal.

Montblanc: DAMMIT!!! Why does no one listen to me!?!?

Destaros: Uh… ‘Cuz you’re tiny?

*Montblanc suddenly casts a spell to make Destaros smaller than he is*

Montblanc: NOW who’s tiny!?!?!?

Destaros: …I hate Moogles…

*later…*

Voice: One more contest!!

Atoli: What!? You said “3 out of 5”!!!

Voice: I’M THE VOICE!!!!! WHAT I SAY GOES!!!!! AND I SAY, ONE!! MORE!!! CONTEST!!!!

Ritz: It’s fine… I’ve waited this long… I can wait a few seconds more…

Voice: Oh, no, you don’t! This time, I’m competing against…him!!!!

*Voice points to Marche*

Marche: What!? Me?!?

*later…*

Endrance: Hmm… Huh? Hey, guys, look!

*the housemates spot the Voice taking his time approaching the finish line*

Voice: Ha-ha!! I knew this’d be easy!! Marche never stood a chance!!

Slade: Well… I guess we’ll never see Marche again…

Ritz: …

Dekar: …Ritz?

Ritz: …

*suddenly, Ritz smiles*

Dekar: Ritz? Why are you smiling?

Ritz: *pointing towards something* …That’s why…

*several yards behind Voice appears Marche*

Lawliet: Uh-oh… RUN, VOICE!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

Voice: Huh?

*in that instant, Marche dashes past Voice*

Voice: WHAT THE F**K!?!?!? *starts sprinting*

Montblanc: GO, MARCHE!!!!!

Slade: C’MON, VOICE!!!! I HAVE 1000 GP RIDING ON THIS!!!!

*moments later, Marche and Voice cross the finish line at supposedly the same time*

Voice: *short of breath* It’s…a…tie…

Marche: *panting*

Montblanc: Hey, it’s okay, Marche. We didn’t even think you’d finish, but you proved us wrong! Isn’t that something?

Marche: …Shut up, Blanc…

Not so fast!!!

*a bolt of lightning strikes the ground and the executives appear*

Endrance: Oh, what is it now!?

Exec 1: We’re here to shed some light on the conclusion of the maze race…

Exec 2: Observe…

*the executives conjure a video feed showing that Marche had crossed the finish line about 79 milliseconds before Voice did*

Voice: GODDAMMIT!!!!!

Montblanc: YAY!!!! MARCHE WINS!!!!

*the next day…*

Marche: Well… I guess this is goodbye… *sniffles* I’m gonna miss you guys!!!

Everyone: Would you just leave already!?!?

Ritz: Let’s go, Marche. *gates out*

Montblanc: Yeah! Let’s get back to playing for real!! *gates out*

Marche: Well… Later… *gates out*

Dekar: GOD, I thought he’d never leave!!!

*suddenly, Marche gates back in*

Marche: Sorry! I forgot my Pixi Stix!!

*Marche dashes inside to get his Pixi Stix, and comes back*

Marche: Okay then! Later! *gates out*

*seconds later, Marche falls out of the sky and lands flat on his face*

Marche: …

Everyone: …

Ciege: *sigh* So… What’s there to eat?

Kite: Who cares? It’s Ovan’s turn to cook, so you know it’s gonna be bad…

Ovan: HEY!!

*everyone goes inside, leaving Marche*

Marche: …

*audience laughs*

Marche: *laughing* I can’t believe how stupid I was back then!

Voice: YOU STILL ARE, YOU IDIOT!?!?

Marche: …Still what?

*Voice kicks Marche off the stage and he lands on top of Lawliet*

Voice: Okay! Now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for!!! The number 1 best housemate of all is…

*drum-roll*

Audience: …

Voice: …

*ranking board shows Ovan*

Voice: OVAN!!!!!!

*audience cheers loudly as Ovan walks onto the stage and he’s showered with confetti*

Voice: Congratulations to you on a job well done, Ovan!!! How’s it feel to be the Top Housemate of .hax//WTF?

Ovan: Quite frankly, I thought it was obvious. After all, I am the only one in the house with any common sense left. …Do you know that Arkyron tried to lick a light bulb the other day?

*FLASHBACK*

Arkyron: …

*Arkyron looks up at the living room ceiling room*

Arkyron: …

*he runs into the kitchen, grabs a footstool, sets it underneath the lights, and stands on it to look at the light closer*

Arkyron: …

*he then looks around to see if anyone was watching, then turns back to the light*

Arkyron: …

*then he sticks his tongue out and extends it towards the light bulb*

Arkyron: …

*suddenly, a surge of electricity knocks out all the power in the house*

Destaros: MY GAME!!!!!

Slade: MY YAOI!!!!!

Lawliet: MY PORN!!!!! …Did I just say that out loud?

*FLASHBACK*

*the audience laughs even more loudly*

Voice: …That’s it…I quit…Roll the clip so I can get the f**k out of here…

Dekar: Uh, guys? I think something’s wrong with Ovan… I overheard him in his room talking about some guy named “Sigma”… He was saying things like, “I must defeat Sigma” and “Sigma must be stopped”… It was creepy…

Lawliet: Tch! When is Ovan NOT creepy!? The guy has a giant soda can for an arm!!

Atoli: Oh, forget about Ovan, L! Here, your pancakes are ready!

Lawliet: Nice! I guess even you have something you’re good for, Atoli! Alright! *picks up a fork* Time to eat!!

*suddenly, a loud, harsh crash rattles the house; Lawliet’s pancakes plate jumps up and splatters in his face*

Lawliet: …

Everyone: *muffled laughter*

Lawliet: The first person to bust a gut gets a faceful of dual guns!

*one hour later…*

Hartz: …

Grey Fox: …

Kirby: …

Hartz: …I’m bored… Hey, Kirby.

Kirby: What?

Hartz: Inflate yourself like a balloon so Fox and I can pop you with darts.

Grey Fox: YEAH!! I’m game!!

Kirby: F**K NO!!!!

Grey Fox: …Grab his feet!!

Kirby: Get away from me, you psychos!!

*all of a sudden, there’s a gunshot; the three look to their left to see Ovan dressed differently*

Ovan: Lunar Nighthawk: Sighted.

Hartz: Uh… You feeling okay, Ovan? And what’s with the getup?

*suddenly, Ovan aims his gun at Hartz*

Hartz: Uhhh…

Ovan: …Prepare yourself…“Maverick”…[/i]

*Ovan then fires off a gunshot, which Hartz just barely dodges*

Hartz: OVAN!!! What the hell’s gotten into you!?!?

Kirby: Dude, let’s get the f**k out of here!!!

*Kirby and Fox exit the room, leaving Ovan and Hartz alone*

Ovan: …Take this![/i]

*Ovan fires off a series of gunshots, which Hartz dashes around the room to avoid; Hartz hides behind the couch*

Hartz: *panting*

*Ovan charges up an energy sphere at the tip of his bayonet; he fires it at the couch, instantly disintegrating it*

Ovan: There’s nowhere to hide!![/i]

Hartz: Oh, crap!!!

*Ovan fires off another charged shot, paralyzing Hartz*

Hartz: Okay…I’m officially screwed…

*Ovan’s bayonet then converts to a Data Drain cannon*

Ovan: FIRE!!![/i]

*Ovan fires his Data Drain, draining Hartz of his power*

Ovan: Lunar Nighthawk: Destroyed. Orion’s Arrow: Acquired.[/i]

Hartz: …I don’t feel s-so good…

*hours later…*

Haseo: Guys… Something needs to be done about Ovan… He’s really lost his mind this time…

Endrance: In just the past two hours, he took out Hartz, Slade, Atoli, Ciege, Dekar, and Kirby, and Lawliet!

Marche: So, what do we do about Ovan?

Destaros: Well, let’s see… We already know he’s acting out a MegaMan game… So, if he defeated 7 of us already… That’s means one is left.

Haseo: The only question is… Who?

*everyone suddenly stares at Haseo*

Haseo: ……What?

*moments later, Haseo stands by himself outside*

Haseo: Let me just say again that I REALLY hate this plan!!

*seconds later, Ovan appears and gazes at Haseo*

Ovan: Shadow Deathreaper: Sighted. Prepare yourself, “Maverick”![/i]

Haseo: *sigh* Let’s get this over with…

Ovan: Activate INVOCATION![/i]

*Ovan fires three gunshots at the ground; three undead PCs pop out*

*Haseo charges forward and destroys the PCs with ease*

Haseo: Is that the best you can do!?

Ovan: Activate DEATH NOTE![/i]

*Ovan fires three visible musical notes*

*Haseo dodges the first two notes, but the third strikes his left leg, causing it to fall asleep*

Haseo: GAH!! I can’t feel my leg!!

Ovan: Time to finish this…![/i] *readies Data Drain cannon*

Haseo: Uh, guys!? Anytime now!!

Destaros: Huh? Oh, right! ATTACK!!!!

*the remaining housemates pounce onto Ovan, holding him in place*

Ovan: Gah…! Get off of me!![/i]

*Haseo then readies his own Data Drain cannon*

Ovan: Grrrr…! Activate GREAT INFLATION![/i]

*Ovan inflates his body with Kirby’s power to break free of the other housemates*

Haseo: DATA DRAIN!!!!!

Ovan: What!?!?[/i] *is struck by Data Drain* AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!![/i] *passes out*

*everyone gathers around Ovan as he regains consciousness*

Hartz: *in singsong* Oh, Ovan?

Ovan: Ohhh… Huh?

Slade: You have a nice nap?

Ovan: Mmmmm… Yeah, I did actually.

Lawliet: Good… ‘Cuz we’re gonna make sure you never have to wake up again…! *cracks his knuckles*

Ovan: Uh…

Atoli: GET HIM!!!!

Ovan: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

*the defeated housemates start to beat up Ovan, while the others watch*

Grey Fox: …You think we should help out?

Haseo: …Nah.

Ovan: GAH!!!! That doesn’t bend that way!!!!![/color]

*audience laughs and cheers their loudest*

Ovan: *eye twitch* Know what!? Screw common sense!!! *loads bayonet* Come here, Voice!!! I’m turning you into Swiss cheese!!!

*as Ovan chases Voice around the stage, Sakubo takes over*

Sakubo: (Saku) Well, guys! We’re almost out of time, so we have a special surprise! Just for you, here’s a sneak peek at the first episode of Season 5! ENJOY!!!

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Roux: …What the hell is this place?

Rena: I think it’s a special-event area.

Zero: Yeah… “Special”… It’s a f**king mansion in the middle of nowhere!!

Squall: …Weird…

*the group goes up to the front door and opens it*

Rena: Anybody home?

*Arkyron suddenly dashes outside, pots and pans flying at him*

Arkyron: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!! I’m sorry!!! I’m sorry!!!!

Haseo: AND IF YOU TAKE MY COCOA PUFFS AGAIN, I’M BREAKING YOUR F**KING NECK!!!!!

Roux/Rena/Zero/Squall: …

Haseo: …WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!?!?!?

Roux/Rena/Zero/Squall: Eeeep!

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~