.hax//WTF Season 3

[Hayate]

Voice: *nervously* So, what do you think?

*the executives look over the new housemates*

Sakaki: No, no, no, no, NO!!!! This’ll never do!!! The carpets don’t match the drapes!!!

Pi: EXCUSE ME!?!?

Sakaki: The carpets!! They don’t match the drapes!! Must I spell it!?!?

Pi: …Oh…

Executive 1: Hmm…

Silabus: Hi. I’m Silabus. What’s your name?

Gabi: I’M GABI!!!!

Silabus: Nice to meet you, Gabi. So, what do you do for fun?

Gabi: I’M GABI!!!!

Silabus: Uh… Okay. Do you have any hobbies?

Gabi: I COLLECT CABBAGE PATCH KIDS!!!!

Silabus: …I’m sorry?

Gabi: RAISE DA ROOF!!!!!

Silabus: ……… *backs away slowly*

Executive 2: Hmm…

Kuhn: Hello there, cutie.

Alkaid: You talking to me?

Kuhn: I sure am. What do you say we go somewhere private?

Alkaid: CREEP!!! *slaps Kuhn* Back off before I introduce you to your spleen!!

Kuhn: I’m not hearing a “no”…

*Bordeaux taps on Kuhn’s shoulder*

Kuhn: Yes? …Oh, hey, you’re pretty cute too. *gets impaled* GAAAAHHHH!!!!

Bordeaux: Hehehe… That was fun…

Executive 3: Hmm…

Voice: …

Executive 1: …Alright. Looks like you’ve saved yourself this time, Voice.

Voice: Whew!

Executive 2: Well… This cast isn’t as impressive as the last, but I suppose it’ll do.

Executive 3: Hahahaha!!! Little bitch has split personalities!!

Sakubo: (Bo) This house is creepy and smells like dead bodies… *twitch* (Saku) So!? It’s got that lived-in scent! Don’t be such a baby, Bo! *twitch* (Bo) I’m not a baby! *twitch* (Saku) Yes, you are! *twitch* (Bo) No, I’m not!! *twitch* (Saku) YES, YOU ARE!!!

Executive 3: Hahahaha!!! Now that’s comedy!!

Executive 1: *ahem* Anyway… This season had better go off without a hitch, Voice.

Voice: It will, sir! I swear!

Executive 2: Very well…

Executive 3: Aiight!! Posse out!!

Executive 1: Oh… By the way… You’re fired.

Executive 3: Say WHAT!?!? Yo, why you gon’ play a brother like that!?

Voice: *sigh* Good… Now then… Better go greet the new cast personally!

*Voice appears in the house*

Voice: Greetings, new bitches!!

Season 3, Episode 1

*meanwhile, in the forest*

Haseo: Okay… Let’s assess the situation… We used the Chaos Gate to warp to Mac Anu… But instead of going to Mac Anu… We end up in the woods… And even worse… I’m stuck with the ditzy Cleric…

Atoli: Ooh… Pretty flowers…

*minutes later…*

Atoli: I’m itchy…

Haseo: Mistaking poison oak for flowers, Atoli? Terrific… *screaming* WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAPPEN TO ME!?!?!?

Atoli: It’s okay, Haseo!! I’m here for you!!

Haseo: No!!! No!!! Stay away from me!!!

*meanwhile, at Kestrel HQ…*

*Ciege, Lawliet, and Kite are captured by PKers*

Ciege: I blame you for this, Lawliet…

Kite: “Don’t worry! I used to be a PK! I speak their language!” Weren’t those your exact words!?!?

Lawliet: How many times do I have to say sorry!? I thought my PK dialect was perfect!!

Ciege: *sarcastically* Oh, yeah! It’s perfect! That’s exactly why we’re in this cage!!

Lawliet: Don’t push it, cannon fodder…

PKer: *in a different language* What did you do with Master Gabi!?!?

Kite: Translation, Lawliet?

Lawliet: Uh… He says “Tissues are on sale in the lobby”…

Ciege: …

Kite: We’re dead, aren’t we?

Ciege: Yup…

*meanwhile, in the desert…*

BlackEcho: I told you not to drink that cactus juice…!

Dekar: *delusional* The wheels on the bus go ‘round and ‘round…

Arkyron: *panting* I need water…

BlackEcho: Hold on, I’ll handle it. Merrows!!

*BlackEcho summons Merrows, the water spirit, to sprinkle water on the group*

Arkyron: Ahhhhhh… BlackEcho, if we survive this, I promise not to kill you for getting us into this mess…

BlackEcho: I got us into this!? If anyone’s to blame here, it’s you!!

Arkyron: Me!?!?

Dekar: *delusional* Why don’t we ask Mr. Scorpy who’s to blame…? *gets bitten by a scorpion* OWW!!! …Mr. Scorpy’s mean…

BlackEcho: …Let’s leave him here…

Arkyron: …Good idea…

*meanwhile, on a wooden raft in the middle of the ocean…*

Slade: …

Destaros: …

Marche: …

Mia: …

Slade: …SHUT UP, MARCHE!!!

*back at the house…*

Taihaku: So… This is a reality TV series, and we’re the actors? Great… I need a smoke…

Gabi: FUN AND MERRIMENT!!!

Matsu: How the hell did I let myself get suckered into this mess?! I blame you for this, Alkaid!!

Alkaid: You calling me out, punk!?!?

Matsu: I ain’t calling you for dinner, that’s for sure!!

Alkaid: BRING IT ON!!!

Antares: Hehehe… Time to start up some coke sales… Did I just say that out loud?

Silabus: Uh… Mr. Voice, sir?

Voice: Huh? What is it, bitch?

Silabus: I don’t mind doing this show and all, but… Don’t you think this house is a bit compact?

Voice: Hmm… Well, it IS the new season, so… *snaps fingers*

*the house transforms into a mansion*

Voice: That better? Good!! Let the third season of .hax//WTF begin!!!

Gabi: I’M GABI!!!

Voice: …Yeah…

Yata: Wait a minute! I can’t spend all my time doing this crappy show! I got a living to make! I got ho’s to fleece!

Pi: You tell ‘im, Big Daddy!

Yata: Shut up, bitch!

Pi: …Yes, Big Daddy…

Voice: Oh, really, Yata? Maybe this will change your mind…

*a blue light blankets the room*

Gaspard: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!

Voice: There! I’ve just injected each of you with an explosive device! Defy me and I set them off!!

Everyone: …

Voice: I’m glad we have an understanding. And…ACTION!!!

*meanwhile, in the woods…*

Haseo: Oh, man… We’ve been in these woods for hours!!

Atoli: And I’m still itchy…

Haseo: *sigh* Rip Maj…

*Haseo cures Atoli of her rash*

Haseo: There. At least now you won’t slow me down…

Atoli: HASEO!!! *embraces Haseo* You DO care!!!

Haseo: Restraining order!! Restraining order!!

: Ha…se…o…

Haseo: Huh?

Atoli: AAAAHHHH!!!! MONSTER!!!! SAVE ME, HASEO!!!!

Haseo: Get off of me!!

*Haseo draws his dual swords*

Haseo: …

Atoli: …

*Ovan staggers out of the bushes and collapses*

Haseo: Ovan!

Atoli: Is he…okay?

Haseo: Hold on, I’ll check…

*Haseo kicks Ovan’s side several times; he doesn’t move*

Haseo: …Yup, he’s dead…

[Hayate]

Season 3, Episode 2

*Atoli happily skips along, while Haseo and Ovan walk behind her*

Haseo: Okay… How the hell do we get out of here?

Ovan: Well, if you’re as sure as you were when you thought I was DEAD, I’m sure you can figure out an escape route…

Haseo: Very funny, Ovan…

Atoli: Hey, guys! I found a way out!

Ovan: …Well, I’ll be damned…

*Haseo, Ovan, and Atoli leave the forest to be greeted by a sea*

Haseo: …What the f**k!? We’re on an island!?

Atoli: COOL!!!

Haseo: No, Atoli!! NOT cool!! This is the opposite of cool!! This is…uncool!!!!

Ovan: …Hey. Do you guys see that?

Haseo: See what?

*in the distance, Haseo and Ovan spot a raft with people on it*

Haseo: It’s a raft… So?

Ovan: Think about it, Haseo. If we were supposed to go to Mac Anu and ended up here, the others might’ve suffered the same fate.

Haseo: …So?

Ovan: *sigh* Fine. I’ll handle it. *picks up a rock and throws it at the raft*

BONK!!!

Slade: OW!!! Who threw that!?!?

Ovan: Oops…

*meanwhile, at Kestrel HQ…*

PKer: I’ll only ask once more!! Where’s Master Gabi!?!?

Kite: *sigh* Lawliet?

Lawliet: Uh… I didn’t catch it…

Ciege: Well, tell him to let us go or else!!

Lawliet: Can do! My…pants…smell…like…old…salami!

PKer: …

Lawliet: …

Ciege: …

Kite: …

*the PKer falls over laughing hysterically*

Lawliet: Heh… I guess my PK-talk is a bit rusty…

Kite: ALRIGHT!!! THAT’S IT!!! I’ll handle this!!

*Kite uses Data Drain to break the cage open*

Kite: You!!

PKer: Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot!

Ciege: You speak English? Why were you speaking to you in PK-inese?

PKer: …I like messing with others’ heads…

Ciege: …

PKer: …

Lawliet: …Take him out…

Kite: Sweet!!

PKer: Uh-oh…!

*meanwhile, in the desert…*

BlackEcho: Tell me again why we’re dragging Dekar with us by his legs…

Arkyron: ‘Cuz if we don’t bring him with us, we wouldn’t have anyone to make fun of…

Dekar: *delusional* B-T-Q-E-F… D-L-M-S-T… P-C-L-F-O… And Bingo was his name-o!

BlackEcho: I swear to f**king God, I’m gonna bash his face in with a rock!

Arkyron: Think of the emo-based ridicule, Echo… Think of the emo-based ridicule…

BlackEcho: Grrrr… Fine! But if he sings one more song, I’m gonna f**king lose my mind!!

Dekar: *delusional* Hey, guys! Look! A giant kitty cat!!

Arkyron: Huh? …That’s no kitty cat! That’s Kestrel Headquarters!! We’re saved!!

BlackEcho: Saved!?!? Are you crazy!?!? We’re walking into the belly of the beast!!

Arkyron: Oh, relax, would you? We’ll be fine! I bet no one’s even home!

Dekar: *delusional* ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO ME!!!

BlackEcho: …I hate you both so f**king much…

*meanwhile, at the WTF mansion…*

Voice: Hmm… Ratings have dropped 5% ever since the new cast showed up… But that can’t possibly be right! The new cast is ratings gold!!

*Taihaku leans against a wall, smoking*

Gaspard: Uh… Mr. Taihaku?

Taihaku: …What?

Gaspard: Well… Here’s the thing… You smoke everywhere you go and it’s giving the house that nicotine scent…

Taihaku: …So?

Gaspard: So, I was wondering, you know, if it’s not too much trouble, could you--

Taihaku: Gaspard.

Gaspard: Uh, yes?

Taihaku: …Shut the f**k up and go away…

Gaspard: …Okay.

Silabus: C’mon, Gaspard!! Don’t let Taihaku walk over you like that!! Stand up for yourself!!

Gaspard: I CAN’T!!! I’M TOO SCARED!!!

Bordeaux: The problem is, he’s a whiny little bitch! Besides, standing up for yourself is overrated! Watch and learn!

*Bordeaux walks up to Taihaku*

Bordeaux: Hey.

Taihaku: …What? *gets impaled* GAAAAHHHH!!!!!

Bordeaux: That’s how it’s done - Bordeaux-style!!

Alkaid: Did you just look at me funny!?!? Don’t lie to me!! I saw you looking at me funny!!!

Kuhn: Uh… Alkaid? …You’re talking to a mirror.

Alkaid: BITCH!!!! *slices the mirror in half*

Kuhn: …Never mind…

Gabi: KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!!!!

Voice: …Maybe I spoke too soon… Ohhhh!! What I wouldn’t give to have the old housemates back!!!

*in front of the WTF mansion…*

Destaros: Uh… Does anyone recognize this place?

Mia: Well, that figures… As soon as the Voice replaces us, he gives them a better house!!

Marche: …When did this mansion get here!?

Haseo: Well… Looks like the Chaos Gate is still busted… I guess we really are stuck here…

Atoli: It isn’t all bad, Haseo!! You have me!! *hugs Haseo*

Haseo: Dammit, Atoli, what part of “restraining order” don’t you understand!?

Ciege: I can’t believe, after all our hard work trying to get away from this house, we end up coming back…

Ovan: C’est la vie…

Everyone: Oh, go to hell, Ovan!!!

Ovan: …

BlackEcho: Well… Let’s get this over with…

*Haseo and the others walk in, attracting the attention of the new housemates*

Arkyron: GUESS WHO’S BACK, MUTHAF**KAS!?!?!?

*in the control room…*

Voice: …Wow…Didn’t see this coming…

Executive 1: …We certainly didn’t…

Voice: GODDAMMIT, you nearly gave me a stroke!!!

Executive 2: Never mind that… You now have two sets of housemates… What will you do now?

Voice: Me? Absolutely nothing… Knowing those guys, they’ll probably kill off the newbies in the next hour or so…

Executive 1: I see… Got any popcorn?

*in the mansion, the old housemates look at the new housemates*

Silabus: …

Haseo: …

Gaspard: …

Atoli: …

Sakaki: …

Ovan: …

Gabi: …

Kite: …

Pi: …

Lawliet: …

Yata: …

Ciege: …

Kuhn: …

BlackEcho: …

Alkaid: …

Destaros: …

Matsu: …

Arkyron: …

Antares: …

Dekar: …

Sakubo: …

Marche: …

Bordeaux: …

Mia: …

Taihaku: …

Slade: ………SHUT UP, MARCHE!!!

[Hayate]

Season 3, Episode 3

Everyone: …

*everyone remains silent for 5 minutes straight*

Voice: …Well, this is boring. Hmm… Perhaps it’s time to throw gasoline on the dying flames…

BEEP!!

*the explosive inside Matsu’s brain goes off, causing him to fall to his death*

Matsu: GAAAAAHHHHH!!!! My cerebellum!!

Alkaid: They attacked first!! Get ‘em!!

Haseo: What the f**k!?

*a war between the old housemates and the new housemates breaks out*

Silabus: Oh, jeez! What do I do!? What do I do!? …Oh! I know! *draws blade* Yes! Now I’m ready to-- *gets impaled* GAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Kite: YEAH!!! DO THE DEW!!!

Voice: Ooh… That looked like it hurt…

Taihaku: *smoking* *sigh* *gets shot in the head* …Oh, that’s real nice… *collapses*

*moments later, Hartz and Grey Fox walk in*

Hartz: WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON HERE!?!?

Grey Fox: …What? No ultimate weapon?

Antares: Hey… You want some crack?

Arkyron: Ooh! Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Ovan: Ark, would you get a grip!?

Arkyron: Okay, okay! ……How much?

Antares: 5,000.

Arkyron: …

Antares: … *gets shot* GAAAHHHH!!!!

Arkyron: HA-HA-HA!!! …Headshot…

Kuhn: Hey there, cutie. What’s your name?

Atoli: …Atoli.

Kuhn: Atoli… That’s a nice name.

Slade: Oh, gag!! Is he hitting on Atoli!?!?

Dekar: That’s just sick and wrong…

Kuhn: What do we say me and you go somewhere and-- *gets impaled* GAAAAHHHH!!!!

Haseo: Terror of Death, bitch!!

Slade: Dude!! Haseo just defended Atoli’s honor!!

Haseo: I did what now?

*Hartz taps on Haseo’s shoulder*

Haseo: GRAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

Hartz: Whoa!! Settle down, crazy!!!

Haseo: …Do I know you?

Hartz: Yeah, it’s me, Bal--

Haseo: Sorry!! Killing new housemates!! Talk later!!

Hartz: *sigh*

Pi: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! DADDY, SAVE ME!!!!

Yata: Forget this shit!! You’re on your own, ho!!! *attempts to escape*

Mia: *holding whip-blade* Where do you think you’re going?

Yata: Uh… *gets his throat slit* GAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Pi: Daddy…?

Mia: You’re next!!!

Pi: Eeeep!

*in the control room…*

Voice: Man, oh, man!! This is too good!! It’s completely one-sided!! The old guys are kicking the newbies’ asses all over the house!!

Executive 1: Hmm… Perhaps this show is still salvageable…

Executive 2: Yeah!! Kick ass!!

Executive 1: …

Executive: Sorry… It’s the medication…

Destaros: Any last words!?

Gabi: I LIKE TO EAT DIRT!!!

Destaros: …What?

Gabi: GET IN MY BELLY!!!

Destaros: …

Gabi: … *gets impaled* GAAAHHH!!! MY CABBAGE PATCH KIDS!!!

*Gaspard is in hiding*

Gaspard: Mommy… Make the bad people go away, mommy…

Atoli: Hi!

Gaspard: AAAAHHHH!!!! Go away!!

Atoli: Don’t worry… I won’t hurt you…

Gaspard: You…won’t?

Marche: No… But I will…

Gaspard: Uh-oh…!

Hartz: *panting* …Any luck?

Grey Fox: F**k no!! Some emo bastard set this zombie dudes on me!! This is too crazy, man!! That forum post was probably fake!! Let’s get out of here with our appendages still intact!!

Hartz: Yeah… Sure.

Sakaki: AGH!!!! What a faux-pas!! Who does your wardrobe, the Grim Reaper!?

Ciege: …

Sakaki: And that hair!! AGH!!! Phone call for Mr. Shadow Warlock!! It’s the 80’s!! They want their hair back!!

Ciege: …

Sakaki: I swear, you people wouldn’t know about fashion if it crawled up and bit you on the-- *is set on fire* AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Ciege: …Hehehe… That was fun… Now I see why everyone keeps setting me on fire…

Bordeaux: LALALALALALALALALALAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Kite: …What’s up with her? She’s just swinging wildly at nothing…

Lawliet: That’s Bordeaux. I think she suffers from bloodlust withdrawal syndrome. She needs to see someone bleed every seven minutes.

Bordeaux: WHEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Destaros: Pffff! Forget it! I’m staying at least feet away from that maniac!

Lawliet: I’ll take care of this… Hey, Bordeaux!! Look!! Someone’s slitting his own throat!!

Bordeaux: *looking away* Dekar?

Lawliet: KABONG!!! *strikes the side of Bordeaux’s head with his guitar*

Bordeaux: … *is unaffected*

Kite: What the f**k!?

Lawliet: Oh, wait… I forgot… Bordeaux several metal plates in her head…

Bordeaux: …I’ve done some things in high school that I’m not proud of… Now then! LALALALALALALALALAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Kite: Atoli!! Front door!!

*Atoli opens the front door; Bordeaux runs out and continues running around wildly until she eventually runs herself over the cliff*

Ovan: Let’s see… That just leaves…

*Alkaid chases Haseo*

Alkaid: RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWR!!!!!!!

Haseo: You just couldn’t let that arena battle go, could you!?

Alkaid: HAAAAAAAAASEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Haseo: Could I get a little help over here, please!?

Ovan: I’m on it! *shoots bayonet*

Ciege: Ow!! OVAN!!

Ovan: Sorry!! I’ll get her this time!! *shoots again*

Dekar: OWW!!! What the hell, man!?

Ovan: Hmm… This thing must be defective…

Lawliet: *sigh* I guess it’s up to me again… *guitar transforms into dual guns*

Slade: When the hell did you get guns!?!?

Lawliet: Huh… Just now, I guess…

Slade: …Have I ever told you how much I loathe you?

Lawliet: Okay!! I’ll turn Alkaid into Swiss cheese!! *shoots guns*

BlackEcho: AAAHHH!!! Who’s shooting at me!?!?

Lawliet: Damn!! Bitch is fast!!

Haseo: Gee, ya think!?!?

Alkaid: I’LL KILL YOU, YOU CHEATER!!!!!!

*Atoli suddenly jumps into Alkaid’s way*

Atoli: Stay away from my Haseo!!!!

Haseo: Oh, what now!?!?

Alkaid: KYAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

*Atoli partly summons Avatar Innis to kill Alkaid*

Everyone: …

Haseo: …Whoa.

*in the control room…*

Voice: …Took the words right outta my mouth…

Arkyron: *sigh* I think that’s all of them…

Lawliet: Think again, Arky…

*Sakubo walks down the stairs and notices her fellow housemates’ corpses on the ground*

Sakubo: (Saku) Oh, my god!! Everyone’s dead!! *twitch* (Bo) Finally!! We’re free!!!

Haseo: “We”?

Sakubo: (Bo) Yeah! Me and my sister!! *twitch* (Saku) Don’t talk for me, Bo!! I can speak for myself!! *twitch* (Bo) Sorry, sis… *twitch* (Saku) See!? There you go again!! Why can’t you learn to be brave!?!? *twitch, twitch*

Dekar: …That was freaky…

Slade: And yet amusing … Let’s keep it!!

Atoli: YAY!!

Lawliet: …Sure, why not? This show could use more babes anyway…

*Sakubo walks up to BlackEcho*

BlackEcho: …What?

Sakubo: (Saku) …You’re cute…

BlackEcho: …Oh, no…

Ovan: Aha… Do I detect a hint of infatuation?

BlackEcho: Oh, go to hell, Ovan!!!

Ovan: … (Why does everyone keep saying that…?)

*Hartz and Grey Fox return*

Hartz: Perfect… The Chaos Gate’s busted… Huh?

Grey Fox: Oh! Is the killing over now?

Ciege: Who the hell are you?

Hartz: I’m Hartz, and this is Grey Fox.

Grey Fox: ‘Sup, f**kers!?

Everyone: …

Haseo: …Take ‘em out…

*Lawliet and Ovan load their guns and aim*

Hartz: *turns to Grey Fox* …I blame you…

[Hayate]

Voice: Man, this just keeps getting better and better! One of the new housemates gets to live AND we have two more members joining the cast!! …I smell an award!!

Executive 1: *sniffing* …That’s not what I smell…

Voice: Huh…? *sniffing* Is that… Is that smoke!?

Executive 2: Sorry! I burnt the popcorn!!

Executive 1: Goddammit, Greg!! You always do this!!

Voice: (Greg, huh? Heh… Now I smell blackmail…)

Season 3, Episode 4

*Hartz and Grey Fox collapse on the couch, exhausted*

Hartz: Oh, man…! I’m beat! What the hell was going on in here a few minutes here!?

Slade: Apparently, we were taking back the house from the new housemates…

Endrance: …Which is kind of ironic, considering we wanted to get as far away from this house as possible…

Grey Fox: Wait a minute… This house looks familiar… Hey!!! Hartz, this is that show I was telling you about!!

Hartz: You serious!?!? We’re actually on the set of .hax//WTF right now!?!?

Grey Fox: T-This is major!!! This is epic!!! This is… I gotta lie down…

Ovan: I take it you’ve heard of us?

Hartz: HEARD OF YOU!?!? Man, this is, like, the most popular program to ever be broadcast in Mac Anu!!! People are talking about you on the forums NONSTOP!!! This is an even bigger hit than “Tell Me, Piros!”

*meanwhile, on the set of Piros the 3rd’s show, “Tell Me, Piros!”*

Piros the 3rd: …Hello? …Is anyone out there? …God, I’m lonely…

Atoli: Wow… I’m popular?

Ciege: Heh… I’ve never had fans before…

Lawliet: Meh… You get used to it…

Grey Fox: This…is…AWESOME!!!!

*Voice appears*

Voice: Finally… Housemates who are enthusiastic!

Hartz: Oh, my f**king god, it’s the Voice!!

Voice: How’s it hangin’?

Grey Fox: I’m feeling faint…

Hartz: DUDE!!! Does this mean we get to do the show with these guys!?

Voice: Depends. You want to?

Grey Fox: YES!!! YES!!! OH, FOR GOD’S SAKE, YES!!!

Voice: Hehehe… Glad to hear it… *snaps his fingers*

*on the upper floor of the mansion, there are two empty rooms; the word “Hartz” appears on one and the words “Grey Fox” appear on the other*

Voice: Welcome to the show, boys!! I’ll be back in a few minutes… *vanishes*

Destaros: …Terrific…

Hartz: …I can’t feel my legs…

Kite: Okay, guys, the Voice is gone. You can drop the act now.

Grey Fox: What act?

Everyone: …

Dekar: Why…? Why!? *drops to his knees* WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

*later that day…*

Ciege: My god! The house is huge now!!

Marche: Yeah!! And look what I found!! PIXI STIX!!!!!

Mia: Ooh… Can I have one?

Marche: HANDS OFF, BITCH!!!

Kite: Screw the Pixi Stix!!!! I found Slim Jims!!!

Lawliet: Slim Jims!? Give me one!!!

Kite: GET YOUR OWN!!!

Atoli: So, Saku, tell me about yourself…

Sakubo: (Saku) Well, there’s not much to tell really… I’m one of two twins… *twitch* (Bo) Hi! I’m Bo, Saku’s twin!

Atoli: Bo? But…aren’t you Saku?

Sakubo: (Bo) No, I’m Bo! *twitch* (Saku) Stop it, Bo!! *twitch* (Bo) Make me!! *twitch* (Saku) Don’t make me hurt you!!! *twitch* (Bo) Go ahead and try!! *twitch* (Saku) Okay, fine!!!

*Saku gives herself a black eye*

Sakubo: (Saku) OWW!!! That hurt!! *twitch* (Bo) Ha! Nice try! …Ow…

Atoli: Uh…

*on the upper floor…*

Haseo: You’re serious!?!? You used to be Balmung!?!?

Hartz: Yeah. I got tired of the whole “Gangsta” thing…

Lawliet: *pops out of his room and draws dual guns* Did someone say gangsta!?

Haseo: SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR SLIM JIM!!!

Lawliet: Well! I was gonna offer you some, but now--

*Haseo kicks Lawliet’s door, shutting it*

Lawliet: *behind the closed door* SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!!!

Haseo: Moving on… So whatever happened to Orca?

*meanwhile, on Hy Brasail, the Isle of Kings…*

Orca: Now throw yo’ hands in the air!! Wave ‘em like ya just don’ care!!

PC 1: …God, this guy sucks…

PC 2: …Let’s go watch more WTF…

Orca: Azure O representin’!! Holla back!!

Hartz: …I’d rather not talk about it…

Grey Fox: Do it again! Do it again!

Dekar: *sigh* Fine… *summons undead PC*

Grey Fox: Hahahaha!!! That’s f**king awesome!!!

Dekar: Yeah… Can you let go of my leg now?

*minutes later, Voice returns*

Voice: Okay, guys! We’re just about ready to start the third season! But first…Haseo?

Haseo: What?

Voice: I think it’s time you took on a more suitable look… *snaps fingers*

*Haseo transforms to Form 3*

Haseo: KICK ASS!!!

Arkyron: Hey!!! How come Haseo gets a new look!?

Voice: *frustrated sigh* Fine… *snaps fingers*

*a smiley face sticker appears on Arkyron’s forehead*

Arkyron: YES!!! BOW DOWN BEFORE MY AWESOMENESS!!!!

Everyone: …

Arkyron: TRI-EDGE HEIL!!! *gets shot*

Ovan: You saw nothing…

Voice: …Yeah… Well then, if there’s nothing else… Let the third season of .hax//WTF REALLY begin!!

Marche: …I think those Pixi Stix gave me diabetes…

Slade: SHUT UP, MARCHE!!!

*meanwhile…*

Piros the 3rd: *whistling Piros the 3rd’s theme song* ……HELLO!?!?

[Hayate]

*Haseo lies in his bed*

Haseo: *mumbling*

*in the control room…*

Voice: Aww… Just look at Haseo… Isn’t he cute? We should change that…

Executive 1: Hmm… Voice, perhaps it’s time to put “that” into action…

Voice: Hehehe… Yeah. I completely agree… Haseo’s about to have a very weird afternoon… *snaps fingers*

*the tattoos on Haseo face disappear*

Haseo: *mumbling*

Voice: That takes care of step one! Step two is now underway!

Season 3, Episode 5

*Haseo walks into the kitchen, where several housemates are eating breakfast*

Haseo: …Morning…

Atoli: G’morning, sleepyhead! Have a good night?

Haseo: …Shut up, Atoli…

Kite: Hey, Haseo… You look kinda different…

Haseo: No shit, Kite… The Voice changed my form, remember?

Kite: NO!! I mean, your face!!

Slade: Wait… He’s right, Haseo… Your Wave tattoos are gone…

Haseo: Huh? What are you talking about?

Mia: Take a look! *gives Haseo her mirror*

Haseo: *looks into mirror* Huh… What do you know? Oh, well… I’m sure it’s no big deal. Are there any Reese’s Puffs left?

Slade: Second cabinet.

Haseo: Score!

*as Haseo looks through the cabinet, his spiky tail vanishes*

Mia: Uh… Haseo?

Haseo: What now!?

Mia: …Nothing.

*in the control room…*

Voice: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! It’s already starting!!! This is gonna be good!!

Executive 1: Heh, yeah! Hey, pass the Airheads candy!

Executive 2: Uh…

Executive 1: …You ate all the Airheads, didn’t you?

Executive 2: Hehe… Oops…

*later…*

Atoli: I activate my trap card!!

Arkyron: Dammit!! How the hell are you winning!? You never win!!

Atoli: I’ve got a lucky charm!

Arkyron: What, Haseo?

Haseo: Hey, don’t look at me!! I have nothing to do with this!!

*Lawliet and Ciege walk in*

Ciege: Hey, what’s going on?

Haseo: Atoli’s kicking Arkyron’s ass, that’s what! I gotta admit, it’s kinda fun watching Arky sweat!

Arkyron: Shut up, Atoli-lover!

Haseo: Why does everyone keep calling me that!?!?

Lawliet: Oh, please, Haseo!! Stop trying to hide it!! We all know you love Atoli!!

*Haseo leaps to his feet*

Haseo: Let’s get one thing clear, okay!?!? I don’t love Atoli!!! I don’t even like Atoli!!! I find it baffling that I can tolerate Atoli for longer than ten seconds!!! OKAY!?!? I DON’T LOVE ATOLI!!!!!! GOT IT MEMORIZED!?!?!?

*everyone looks at Haseo with raised eyebrows*

Haseo: ……What?

Everyone: …

Haseo: …Oh, forget this!! I’ll be in my room!! *stomps up the stairs*

Lawliet: …Did he just say what I think he said?

Ciege: …Yes… Yes, he did…

Arkyron: Yeah, what’s going on with Haseo today?

Atoli: You gonna talk all day, or are you gonna duel!?

Arkyron: Alright!! This time, I’m gonna win!!

*later that day…*

*Hartz and Grey Fox look over the cliff’s side*

Hartz: …500 GP says Bordeaux survived that fall…

Grey Fox: You’re on, bitch!

*Haseo walks up to the two*

Haseo: Hey, guys.

Hartz: Oh, hey, Haseo! We were just-- HOLY SHIT!!!

Haseo: ……What?

Grey Fox: What’s going on, Hartz? You sound like you just saw a-- GREAT GOOGLY-MOOGLY!!!!! HASEO, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU!?!?

Haseo: …What the hell are you talking about?

Hartz: Dude, have you looked at yourself recently!?!?

Haseo: …

*Haseo walks over to the lake that runs behind the mansion and looks at his reflection in the water*

Haseo: WHAT THE F**K!?!?

*in the control room…*

Voice: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I’m about to have a heart attack!!! This has to be my greatest plan ever!!!!

*everyone else is in the living room watching TV; Endrance is sifting through channels while Sakubo decides what to watch*

Endrance: *changes channel*

Sakubo: (Saku) Boring… *twitch*

Endrance: *changes channel*

Sakubo: (Bo) Chick flick… *twitch*

Endrance: *changes channel*

Sakubo: (Saku) Seen it… *twitch*

Endrance: *changes channel*

Sakubo: (Bo) Slapstick… *twitch*

Endrance: *changes channel*

Sakubo: (Saku) Too much nudity…

Endrance: *changes channel*

Destaros: Hey, I was watching that!!!

Endrance: Saku, would you just pick something already!?!?

Sakubo: (Saku) Well… We could just sit here and gaze into each other’s eyes…

Endrance: …TV it is then…

*Haseo bursts in*

Haseo: WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME!?!?!?!?

*everyone looks at Haseo and gasps*

Destaros: *shrieks like a girl*

Dekar: Haseo!!! Your hair!!! It’s red!!!

Haseo: Gee, thanks for stating the obvious, Einstein!!!

*Ovan walks in from the kitchen and looks at Haseo*

Ovan: …Oh, no… Haseo… You joined the circus, didn’t you!? How many times do I have to tell you, Haseo!?!? The circus is for f.ags, convicts, and people with deformities!!!

Haseo: Go to hell, Ovan!! You seriously think I’d do this to myself!?

*Atoli embraces Haseo*

Atoli: *sobbing* Don’t worry, Haseo!! I’m here for you!! We’ll work through this together!!

Haseo: *shoves Atoli away* Atoli, you touch me one more time and you’ll be wearing that hat like a neck brace!! Got it memorized!? ……Dammit, I said it again, didn’t I!?!?

Kite: Has anyone noticed this transformation started ever since Haseo got his third form from the Voice?

Everyone: ……VOICE!!!!!

Haseo: I knew this was his doing!!

Dekar: …No, you didn’t…

Haseo: You say something, emo!?!?

Dekar: *gulp* N-No!!

Lawliet: Damn… Haseo’s become even more maniacal than…well, me!

Ciege: Great… That’s EXACTLY what this house needs… A PC crazier than Lawliet…

Haseo: VOICE!!! GET YOUR FAT ASS DOWN HERE!!!

*Voice appears near Haseo*

Voice: You rang…? *light chuckle*

*Haseo holds circular dual swords to Voice’s neck*

Destaros: Hey, cool new chakrams!

Haseo: SHUT UP!!!

Destaros: Eeeep!

Haseo: Voice, whatever the hell you’re doing to me, make it stop or you’ll be breathing through a hole in your neck!!!

Ovan: Settle down, Haseo…

Haseo: I SAID, SHUT THE F**K UP!!!!

Ovan: …Oh, my…

Voice: Hehe… Looks like my little experiment worked like a charm…

Haseo: “Experiment”!?!? What am I to you, some guinea pig!?!?

Voice: Actually… That’s exactly what you are…

Haseo: WRONG ANSWER!!!!

*Haseo swings his chakrams at Voice, who vanishes*

Voice: Come now, Haseo… If you kill me, you won’t be able to turn back to normal…

Haseo: Just undo whatever it is you’re doing to me!!

Voice: I’m afraid it’s not that simple, Haseo…

Haseo: …?

Voice: You see, you’re undergoing a drastic transformation… If I stop that transformation mid-process, who knows what it might do to your PC data?

Haseo: So… What? I gotta wait this thing out!?

Voice: Precisely.

Haseo: …YOU BITCH!!! *flings chakram at Voice, generating a string of fire*

Grey Fox: Ooh… Fire… I like this new Haseo! *gets burned by Haseo* …I take that back… *cough*

Voice: Temper, temper…

Haseo: Grrrr… How much longer?

Voice: Hmm… 5 more hours, give or take…

Haseo: Five hours!?!?

Voice: Do you want to turn back to normal or not?

Haseo: Grrrr… I hate you so f**king much…

Voice: Heh… I try.

*5 hours later, Haseo’s transformation is nearly complete; the only part left was his claws*

Haseo: …Is it over yet? I suddenly feel the need to set something on fire… And images of some blond kid are filling my head… Oh, god, I hope I’m not becoming a pedophile!

Hartz: Just five more seconds, Haseo…

*seconds later, Haseo’s claws turns to regular hands*

Haseo: Finally! VOICE!!!

*Voice reappears*

Haseo: It’s done! Now change me back already!!

Voice: Aww… Really? You sure you don’t want to try out this new form first?

Haseo: Sure! I’ll try it out by cutting your damn arms off! Now change me BACK!!!

Voice: *sigh* Fine, fine… Boy, you sure do know how to ruin someone else’s fun, Haseo… *snaps fingers*

*Haseo turns back to his Adept Rogue 3rd Form*

Haseo: *sigh* Thank God…

Voice: Kinda disappointing, really… You’d have made a great copyright lawsuit… Oh, well! That’s showbiz! *vanishes*

Atoli: So, Haseo! How’s it feel to be the Terror of Death again?

Haseo: How do you think I feel!?!? …I’m just glad this day’s finally over…

*suddenly, Haseo’s hair turns blond and he sprouts angel wings; everyone gawks at him*

Haseo: ……What?

[Hayate]

*at the cliff’s edge, a hand reaches up from the deep trench and grabs the edge of the rock face; a red-haired girl covered in blood pulls herself up and gazes at the mansion with a menacing glare*

: *panting* Law…liet… GRRAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

*Haseo rises from his bed, drenched in sweat*

Haseo: *panting* Why do I have this feeling…that something REALLY bad is gonna happen today…?

*Atoli bursts in*

Atoli: MORNING, HASEO!!!

Haseo: Oh, yeah… That’s why…

Season 3, Episode 6

*Haseo walks in the living room with Atoli dangling by his tail*

Atoli: HAHAHAHA!!! This is fun!!

Haseo: Arky… Can I borrow your crowbar?

Arkyron: Sorry, Haseo. It broke when I struck Kite’s head with it yesterday…

*meanwhile, in Kite’s room…*

Kite: *hanging from his ceiling fan* ON TOP OF THE WORLD, MA!!!!

Haseo: …I don’t wanna know…

*Mia suddenly runs in, being chased by Marche*

Marche: HAND OVER THE PIXI STIX!!!!

Mia: Forget it!! You had twenty of them already!!!

Marche: GRAAAAAAHHHH-- *suddenly passes out*

Haseo: …What’s with him?

Endrance: It’s the Pixi Stix overdosing. It causes him to slip in and out of a diabetic coma… Look.

*Marche suddenly foams at the mouth*

Endrance: Hahahaha! That’s my favorite part!

Haseo: I don’t know what’s creepier… Marche’s diabetes, or the fact that you’re laughing at his expense…

Endrance: Hey!! You try finding something to laugh at after seven straight hours of “The Young and the Restless”! Sakubo kept me up all night!!

Sakubo: (Saku) *sobbing* It gets more beautiful every time I watch it… *twitch* (Bo) Eh… I thought the acting was a bit overrated… *twitch* (Saku) Oh, what do you know!? *twitch*

Endrance: …Don’t ask…

*Dekar and Destaros suddenly come in through the front door and lock the door on their way in*

Dekar: *panting* GUYS!!! YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE THIS!!!

Destaros: W-We just… W-We just s-saw… B-B--

Mia: Would you two talk in complete sentences please!?!?

Dekar: Look, the point is we need to get the f**k out of here before she finds us!!

Endrance: Who’s “she”?

Destaros: *looking out the window* OH, CRAP!!! SHE FOUND US!!!

*Dekar and Destaros dash for the back door*

Atoli: …That was weird…

Haseo: Who do you think they were talking about?

*Lawliet walks down the stairs shortly after waking up*

Lawliet: *yawn* What’s with all the commotion!?

*everyone looks at Lawliet, who’s wearing pajamas with Shino’s face all over it*

Haseo: *eye twitches*

Lawliet: …Uh… I can explain…

Haseo: Please… Don’t bother… I’m just gonna go throw up… *walks into the kitchen disoriented*

Lawliet: …Be right back…

*Lawliet dashes upstairs and returns in his normal attire five seconds later*

Lawliet: Hehe *ahem* Let’s just pretend that never happened…

Sakubo: (Bo) I’m trying to, but it doesn’t work…

*suddenly, there’s a knock at the door; Arkyron walks up to it*

Arkyron: Who is it?

*just then, a spiked blade is thrust through the door*

Arkyron: Uh… *turns to Mia* It’s for you…

*the door is broken down, crushing Arkyron*

Arkyron: GAAAHH!!!! My spinal column!!

*behind the door stands the bloody body of Bordeaux*

Bordeaux: *low-pitched groan*

Endrance: Oh, my god!! It’s Tri-Edge’s sister!!

*Kite rushes down the stairs*

Kite: Someone call me? Huh? …Hey, Bordeaux! You’re alive! *is struck in the stomach by a dagger* …That’s gonna leave a mark… *passes out*

Bordeaux: Where’s…Law…liet?

Mia: Uh… Lawliet isn’t here right now. Please leave a message after the-- *is struck in the shoulder by a dagger* Hey! That was uncalled for! Oh, wait… Yup, it’s poison… *passes out*

*meanwhile, Lawliet is hiding on the upper floor*

Lawliet: *whispering* How the hell did that bitch survive…?

Ovan: …Lawliet? What are you--

*Lawliet puts his hand over Ovan’s mouth*

Lawliet: Shhhh!

Hartz: Hey, what’s going on?

Ovan: …

Lawliet: …There’s someone at the door for you.

*Hartz walks downstairs to be greeted by Bordeaux*

Hartz: Huh? …HA!!! I win!! You owe me 500 GP, Fox!! *is struck down by a poisonous dagger* Ow…

Bordeaux: Where…is…Lawliet!?

*Endrance and Sakubo look at each other*

Endrance/Sakubo: RUN!!!!

*Haseo walks in, wiping vomit from his mouth*

Haseo: What’s going on in here?

Atoli: HASEO!!!! SAVE ME FROM THE BAD LADY!!!! *tackles Haseo to the ground*

Haseo: Goddammit, not again!!!

*Bordeaux looks around the room; no Lawliet*

Bordeaux: …GRAAAAHHH!!!! LAWLIET!!!!

*AIDA bubbles begin to appear around Bordeaux; the bubbles begin to destroy the foundation of the mansion*

Ovan: Lawliet, you have to face her!! If you don’t, the mansion will be destroyed!!

Lawliet: Hey, if you care about this stupid house so much, YOU face her!! In case you don’t remember, she has metal plating in her head!! My guitar has no effect!!

Ovan: She’s an AIDA!! Face her with your Avatar!!

Lawliet: …Wait!! I know!! I’ll use--

Ovan: Lawliet, if you say “Sephipooh”, I’ll f**king toss you down the stairs!!

Lawliet: *groan* Fine!! I’ll do it!!

*Lawliet walks down the stairs*

Lawliet: Lookin’ for me, Bordy!?

*Bordeaux smiles evilly upon seeing Lawliet*

Bordeaux: Hehehehe…

Lawliet: Let’s take this outside!!

Bordeaux: Sounds good to me!!

*Lawliet and Bordeaux take their fight to the outside, where Bordeaux merges with AIDA to become an ugly monster and Lawliet summons Avatar Sin*

Lawliet: Let’s do this, you ugly-ass bitch!!

*meanwhile, inside the mansion, Ciege and Slade walk into the living room, where Arkyron was unconscious under the front door, Atoli was smothering Haseo, Marche was in a temporary coma, and everyone else was unconscious from Bordeaux’s daggers*

Ciege: …

Slade: …So… You up for breakfast?

Ciege: …Sure.

Haseo: Oh, sure!! Just leave me here!! It’s not like I need help or anything!!

Slade: *smiles slyly* …You look like you’re enjoying yourself, Haseo.

Haseo: Slade, if I could move, I’d cut your f**king head off!

Ciege: Huh? What’s that, Haseo? You say you love Atoli more than anything?

Atoli: *gasp* You do!? OH, HASEO!!!

Haseo: DAMN YOU TO HELL, CIEGE!!!

*Ovan walks down and notices everyone*

Ovan: *sigh* I’m gonna need a lot of SP for this one… Rip Maj!!

*meanwhile, outside the mansion…*

Bordeaux: *panting*

Lawliet: Aww… Is ol’ Bordeaux getting tired already?

Bordeaux: Grrrr… HAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

*Bordeaux’s AIDA arm stretches towards Sin*

Lawliet: Don’t think so!!

*Sin swerves to the side and cuts Bordeaux’s AIDA arm off with its scythe*

Bordeaux: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Lawliet: Now it’s your turn!!

*Sin dashes at Bordeaux and, once at close range, unleashes a flurry of scythe slashes upon her*

~*~ PROTECT BREAK ~*~

*Sin then backs away and readies his Data Drain cannon*

Lawliet: Time to finish you off! …DATA DRAIN!!!!!

*a massive sphere of data strikes Bordeaux and her data is vacuumed into Sin’s cannon*

Bordeaux: * long sigh*

*once back to normal, Bordeaux floats gently to the ground*

Bordeaux: Ohhhh… Huh?

*Lawliet walks up to Bordeaux and aims his gun at her*

Bordeaux: Hehehehe… You really gonna finish what you started, Lawliet?

Lawliet: …

Bordeaux: After all we’ve been through… Can you honestly say it meant nothing to you?

Lawliet: …Those days are long gone, Bordeaux…

*Lawliet fires…but the bullet only strikes the grass near Bordeaux’s head*

Bordeaux: Heh…

*Lawliet puts his gun away*

Lawliet: Get out of here, Bordeaux… It’s over between us… *walks away*

Bordeaux: …Ever the Sin of Shadows…

*Grey Fox stands near the entrance to the mansion*

Grey Fox: Wow, Lawliet… You and Bordeaux used to--

Lawliet: Fox, if you say anything to the others, you’re gonna find yourself lying in a ditch with nothing attached to your body but your head…!

Grey Fox: *gulp*

*Lawliet and Fox walk inside and notice everyone awake except Marche*

Lawliet: What’s going on?

Haseo: Marche’s still in a coma… So what’s new with you?

Dekar: Yeah! Is that murderous bitch Bordeaux gone!?

Lawliet: …Yeah, she’s gone.

Destaros: *sigh* Finally…

Grey Fox: So, what’s with Marche?

Ovan: He’s in a coma. None of my spells seem to work.

Lawliet: Stand aside…

*everyone backs away as Lawliet readies his guitar*

Lawliet: …KABONG!!!!

*a loud twanging noise echoes through the forest nearby, scaring the birds*

*hours later, Lawliet is in his room…*

Lawliet: …

Grey Fox: *walks in* Yo! Dinnertime!

Lawliet: Be down in a minute…

Grey Fox: …You okay?

Lawliet: I’m fine!! Go away!!

Grey Fox: Okay, okay, sheesh! *walks out*

*Lawliet is about to walk out, when he suddenly remembers something; he opens his drawer and pulls out a photo of Bordeaux and himself; the photo was taken one year ago*

Lawliet: …

*Lawliet hangs the photo on an empty spot on his wall*

Lawliet: … *smiles*

Grey Fox: Aww… Isn’t that sweet?

Lawliet: DAMMIT, FOX!!!!

Grey Fox: Eeeep!

*gunshots echo through the forest nearby, scaring the birds*

[Hayate]

*in the control room…*

Voice: Well, it’s that time again!

Executive 1: So, Voice… Care to enlighten me on this new plot twist you have planned?

Voice: It’s a surprise… But let’s just say…it might get us sued.

Executive 1: …

Executive 2: …

Voice: …

Executive 1: …SHUT UP, MARCHE!! …Oh, wait…

Season 3 Finale

Ovan: Well… Here we are again…

Haseo: Yup…

Ciege: You think the Voice’ll let us go this time…?

Endrance: I wouldn’t get my hopes up…

Lawliet: *sigh* And it’s showtime in 3… 2… 1…

*Voice appears in front of everyone*

Voice: Hello, bitches!

Dekar: Right on time…as usual…

Voice: I have a special treat in store for the finale of the third season… *snaps fingers*

*the mansion transforms into a sort of ritual site, similar to that of “Survivor”*

Slade: *looks around* You have GOT to be joking!

Voice: Oh, this is no joke, Slade! Because for this season’s finale… You’ll be voting off one of your own!

*tribal music begins to play*

Sakubo: (Bo) Where’s that coming from?

*everyone looks over at Destaros, who’s playing music on his radio*

Destaros: …What? I thought it’d fit the mood…

*the radio goes quiet as a bullet whizzes through it*

Ovan: That’s better…

Arkyron: Hey, wait a minute, Voice!

Voice: Hmm?

Arkyron: What happens to the housemate that gets voted off?

Voice: That housemate is then given the choice of staying here or returning to Mac Anu!!

Kite: BULLSHIT!!! You said that last time during the tournament!! Why should we believe you now!?!?

Voice: *frustrated sigh* Fine, fine… *snaps fingers*

*a contract appears in Voice’s hand*

Voice: “I, the Voice, director and producer of the “.hax//WTF” reality television series, hereby vow that, at the conclusion of the Vote-off Ritual, whosoever receives the most votes will receive the choice of staying on as a cast member of said series or returning to Mac Anu as a regular PC.” You happy now!?

Kite: Yes.

Mia: Something’s still messed up!

Voice: *groan* What!?

Mia: If the person who’s voted off gets to go back to Mac Anu, wouldn’t we try to vote ourselves off?

Voice: Hmm… Good point. *revises the contract* “Whosoever receives the most votes will receive the choice of staying on as a cast member of said series or returning to Mac Anu as a regular PC, provided that, during said ritual, no housemate attempt to vote him or herself off.” There!

Everyone: MIA!!!!

Mia: Well, it makes sense, doesn’t it!?!?

Everyone: *overlapping voices* Yeah, I guess… She has a point there…

Voice: Well, then… Now that that’s over with… LET THE RITUAL BEGIN!!!

*tribal music begins to play*

Everyone: DESTAROS!!!!

Destaros: It’s not me!! I swear!!

*minutes later…*

Voice: Here’s how it works: You will each come up and write another housemate’s name on a sheet of paper. Then, you’ll fold up that sheet of paper and drop it into this Tiki head.

Marche: Why does the Tiki head look like Haseo?

Voice: According to a recent poll, Haseo’s the scariest cast member…

Haseo: *sarcastically* Oh, yeah… Nothing insulting about that…

Voice: Shut up and play along!!

Haseo: Tch!

Voice: Let’s go alphabetically, starting with Arkyron.

*Arkyron walks up, writes on a sheet of paper, folds it up, and places it in the Haseo-Tiki head*

Arkyron: Hmph! Good riddens to bad rubbish!

*Atoli walks up and does the same*

Atoli: Hey, Voice! When this is over, can I keep the Tiki head!?

Voice: NO!!! Now shut up and sit down!!!

Atoli: Awww…

*moments later, it’s Endrance’s turn*

Endrance: *talking to himself* Sorry, but you just freak me out too much…

*moments later, it’s Haseo’s turn*

Haseo: Hmm… Ah! I know! Hehehe…

*Kite walks up and does the same*

Kite: *slowly losing sanity* I can’t take another shot to the head! I JUST CAN’T!!!

*Lawliet walks up and does the same*

Lawliet: This guy ain’t gonna upstage me any longer!

*moments later, it’s Ovan’s turn*

Ovan: If I have to listen to this guy for one more day, I’ll surely lose my mind…

*Sakubo walks up and does the same*

Sakubo: (Saku) Sorry, girl… But I won’t let you steal Master En from me! *twitch* (Bo) Why’d you put down her name!?!? *twitch* (Saku) Shut up, Bo!! Do you want everyone in The World who we voted for!?!? *twitch* (Bo) You shut up! *twitch* (Saku) YOU shut up!!

Voice: Why don’t you both shut up, or else you’ll be joining UnKnOwN in the Pit of Despair!!

Sakubo: (Bo) *gulp* Pit of Despair?

*Voice lifts up the door of a trap hole; screams come from inside*

UnKnOwN: OH, GOD!!!! IT’S LIKE LISTENING TO ONE OF LAWLIET’S SINGLES!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!

Voice: …Any questions?

Sakubo: *twitch* *twitch* (Saku) I… *twitch*

Voice: I thought so… Now SIT DOWN!!!

*minutes later…*

Voice: Okay… The voting process is now over! Time to count the votes!

*Voice begins to unfold the sheets of paper one by one*

Voice: Let’s see… “Lawliet”.

Lawliet: Heh!

Voice: …“Atoli”…

Atoli: Yay!

Voice: …“Arkyron”…

Arkyron: …

Voice: …“Marche”…

Marche: Haha!

Voice: …“Sakubo”…

Sakubo: Yes!

Voice: …“Mia”…

Mia: Hee-hee!

Voice: …“Ovan”…

Ovan: Hmm!

Voice: …Huh?

Everyone: …

Voice: Looks like someone tried to be funny by writing down “Everyone”… Hmm? …Is this your handwriting, Haseo!?

Haseo: DON’T JUDGE ME!!! YOU ALL WOULD’VE DONE THE SAME THING!!!

Voice: Right… Moving on…

Everyone: …

*minutes later…*

Voice: That’s two votes for Atoli, two for Arkyron, two for Lawliet, two for Marche, two for Mia, one for Sakubo, one for Ovan, one for Haseo, and one for Slade… One vote left.

*Atoli begins chewing her nails in anxiety*

Voice: And the final vote is for…

Everyone: …

Voice: …………………………………………………………“Mia”!!

Mia: *gasp* I win? …I win! I WIN!!! I’M FREE!!!!!

Lawliet: DAMN IT TO BLOOD-SPEWING HELL!!! I WAS SO CLOSE!!!

Voice: And that brings the ritual to a close! Congratulations to our winner Mia!! And a job well done to all the cast members!!

Everyone: Oh, f**k you, Voice!!!

*the next day, everyone gathered around the Chaos Gate to see Mia off*

Atoli: *sobbing* Mia!!!! I’m gonna miss you!!!!

Mia: Atoli… You’re…choking me…

Atoli: Oops! Sorry!

Kite: This is complete and utter bullshit!! I didn’t get ONE vote!! I try my best, dammit!! That’s it!! I gotta Data Drain something!!

Destaros: Stop being a total megalomaniac, Kite!! I didn’t get a single vote either!!

Kite: …Okay, I’ll Data Drain you!!

Destaros: Just try it, bitch!!

Voice: Okay, Mia. As you know, since you were voted off, you’re completely exempt from doing the show. But you’re allowed to visit us anytime you want. *gives Mia a WTF @home key* This key will allow you to come and go as you please.

Mia: Cool!

Dekar: …Ratings whore…

Voice: I heard that, emomancer!!

*Mia faces towards the Chaos Gate, takes a deep breath, and gates out; seconds later, she finds herself in the Mac Anu dome*

Mia: I’m… I’m back… Finally!! It’s a dream come true!!

*Mia looks at the WTF @home key in her hand*

Mia: “Come and go as I please”, huh? *throws key away* F**k that!!

*another PC girl notices Mia skipping happily along, then notices the @home key she dropped*

: Hmm… What’s this?

*meanwhile, at the house…*

Haseo: …

Atoli: C’mon, Haseo! Cheer up! At least you still have me!

Haseo: …Ovan?

Ovan: Hmm?

Haseo: I want you to take your gun…and shoot me square in the head…

Lawliet: I’ll do it! …Huh? Hey, where’d my guns go?

Kite: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! AZURE KITE STRIKES AGAIN!!!!

Lawliet: What the f**k!? Kite, you asshole!! Get back here!!

*Marche walks in through the front door*

Marche: Uh… Guys?

Slade: What, Marche?

*a scantily-clad Tribal Grappler girl walks in*

Tabby: Hey, everyone!! I’m Tabby!!

Everyone: …

Tabby: Huh? *gasp* HI, HASEO!!! HI, OVAN!!!

Atoli: …Haseo? …Who’s that?

Endrance: You know her, Ovan?

Ovan: …I think my heart just stopped beating…

*Haseo suddenly drops to his knees*

Haseo: DEAR GOD, SOMEONE KILL ME NOW!!!

Lawliet: I’ll do it! …Huh? Hey, where’d my guitar go?

Kite: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Lawliet: DAMMIT, KITE!!!