.hax//WTF Season 1

[Hayate]

.hax//WTF, Episode 1

Haseo: Hello, and welcome to the first episode of--

Arkyron: I’LL EAT YOUR SOUL!!

Haseo: …Uh… The first episode of--

Arkyron: THEN I’LL EAT YOUR KIDS!!

Haseo: …Let me start over. Hello, and--

Arkyron: SAMHAIN FOREVER!!

Haseo: Okay, that’s it! *prepares to PKK Arkyron*

Arkyron: AAAAAHHHH!! ARKY BE GOOD!! ARKY BE GOOD!!

Ovan: Don’t worry, Haseo. I’ll take over for you. *ahem* Welcome to the first episode of our new reality series, .hax//WTF. Let me introduce you to the cast. You’ve already met Haseo and Arkyron…unfortunately…

Arkyron: MASTER TRI-EDGE!!! HELP ME!!!

Haseo: Tri-Edge ain’t gonna save you now, bitch!!

Ovan: *sweatdrop* Anyway, I’m your co-host, Ovan--

UnKnOwN: Also known as T--

Ovan: Shut up! They’re not supposed to know yet! Moving on, this is UnKnOwN.

UnKnOwN: Konnichiwa, f**kers!!

Ovan: …

UnKnOwN: …

Ovan: …Why don’t you go sit in the corner…?

UnKnOwN: Awww… I never get to have any fun…

Ovan: Anyway, there’s also Slade…

Slade: I’M GABI!!! …Oh, wait, wrong line…

Ovan: Dekar--

Slade: Wait! Let me try it again!

Ovan: Forget it! You had your chance and you blew it!

Slade: …………………c.ockbag.

Ovan: Once again, Dekar--

Dekar: CRAAAAWLING IN MY ROOOOOBES!!! THESE WOOOOUUUNDS, THEY WILL NOT HEEEAAAAL!!!!!

Ovan: Dekar… Lay off the smack, will ya?

Dekar: BLASPHEMAAAAAAH!!! MY SCYTHE OF WOTON SHALL VANQUISH THEE!!

Ovan: Dekar, it’s a f**king table knife on a stick, okay!?

Dekar: …Scythe of-- *gets shot by Ovan*

Ovan: I’m sorry you had to see that… Then there’s Kite.

Kite: Grrrrrrrraaaaaahhhhhhh…

Ovan: You’ll have to excuse Kite. He constantly role-plays the part of Tri-Edge.

Kite: Grrrrrrrraaaaaahhhhhhh…

Ovan: Go lie down, Kite. …Next is Lawliet. You’ll want to stay far away from him. …Why, you ask? Just wait…

Lawliet: THE SIN OF SHADOWS STRIKES AGAIN!!!! WHOOOOOSH!!!!

Ovan: …That’s why…

Atoli: HAAAAAAAAASEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Haseo: Get away from me!!!!!

Ovan: That’s Atoli. She has obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Atoli: GOTCHA!!!!! *tackles Haseo to the ground*

Ovan: Uh-oh. Not again…

Atoli: NOW YOU’RE ALL MIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!!!

Haseo: OH, SWEET MERCIFUL GOD, PLEASE SMITE ME NOW!!!!

Ovan: Yeah, that happens about three times a day… You get used to it… This is Marche. Don’t mind him. He just talks to himself.

Marche: *holding a pillow* Don’t worry, brother… I won’t let anyone hurt you… I promise… *eye twitches*

Ovan: Yyyyyyyyyyeah… And last, but not least, is… Huh? Where did he go?

UnKnOwN: Ovan! Kirby’s stuck on the ceiling again!!

Ovan: Oh, goddammit! Fifth time this week, man! FIFTH TIME!! *sigh* I’ll get the vacuum and disinfectant…

UnKnOwN: I’ll just finish up for Ovan. There’s one more roommate here, but… I dunno if you wanna meet him.

: Okay! I’m ready! Say it!

UnKnOwN: Hell no!

: Say it or I’ll burn your fanfics!!

UnKnOwN: *sigh* Fine… Ladies and gentleman, presenting the emperor of the “Arena”… Endrance.

BlackEcho: That’s BlackEcho, bitch! Y’all betta recognize!

UnKnOwN: Oh, get a life…

BlackEcho: *ahem* *reading from fanfic* “Tidus gazes deeply into Auron’s eyes and whispers…”

UnKnOwN: DON’T READ THAT!!!!!!

BlackEcho: AHAHAHAHAHA!!! VICTORY IS MINE!!!

Haseo: *out of breath* Well… That’s it for introductions, I guess… I’m Haseo, and this has been… Oh, good, they’re gone! Please!! You gotta help me!! They’re keeping me here against my will!!

Voice from Above: What was that, Haseo?!?

Haseo: N-Nothing, master!!

ARKYRON: MASTER TRI-EDGE HAS SPOKEN!!!

Kirby: *extremely high voice* The doctor says this’ll wear off in only a few months!!

Haseo: ………………I hate this place…

[Hayate]

Episode 2

*Piros the 3rd enters 3 random area keywords at Mac Anu’s Chaos Gate and gates into Delta: Insane Pathetic Liveshow (the area where .hax//WTF takes place)*

Piros: Hark! What manner of area be this?

.hax/WTF, Episode 2

UnKnOwN: I’m only gonna ask one more time… WHO ATE THE LAST F**KING POP TART!?!?

Slade: Would you shut the f**k up, UnKnOwN!? We all know it was Kite!!

Kite: *wipes pop tart crumbs off mouth* Uh… Grah?

UnKnOwN: MY POP TART!!! I’LL KILL YOU!!!!!!

*UnKnOwN beats up Kite in a cartoon-inspired ball of smoke*

Kirby: …Should we stop this?

Haseo: Why bother? UnKnOwN’s just gonna tire himself out, then he’ll go to his room and--

UnKnOwN: HEY!!! I DON’T ROLL THAT WAY, MAN!!!

Haseo: I was gonna say “write more yaoi”…

UnKnOwN: Oh…………HEY!!!!!

*Piros the 3rd enters the house and his theme music starts to play*

Piros: Hark!! Piros the 3rd hath arrived!!

Haseo: OH, HELL NO!! I’M OUT OF HERE!!!

Atoli: NOOOOO!!!!! *latches onto Haseo’s legs* DON’T GOOOOO!!!!!

Haseo: Let me go, Atoli, or so help me I’m going PKK on your ass!!!

*Ovan walks up to Piros*

Ovan: Welcome to the house, Piros. *whispering* Get out of here while you can!!!

Piros: Hark! ‘Tis he of fair eyes! Hello, my friend!

Haseo: Oh, no!! He spotted me!!

*BlackEcho steps in front of Piros like a superhero*

BlackEcho: Halt, evildoer! If you want to get to Haseo, you’ll have to get through-- *is stabbed by Lawliet* GAAAHHHH!!! My marrow!!!

Lawliet: Mwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! Don’t mess with the Sin of Shadows, bitch!!

Ovan: …Well, that was to be expected…

Arkyron: MAY THE WILL OF MASTER TRI-EDGE BE FULFILLED!!!

Marche: *opens room door* Can you guys quiet down out here?! *slams door* It’s okay, brother… No need to be afraid… Big brother Marche will protect you always…

Kirby: *from the ceiling* Uh… Guys? A little help?

Ovan: Damn it, Kirby!!! Not again!!! *sigh* Where’s the damn broom at?

Haseo: *shouting* WHY!?!? WHY MUST YOU FORCE ME TO STAY IN THIS GOD-FORSAKEN DEATHTRAP OF A HOUSE!?!?

Kite: …Who’s Haseo yelling at?

Dekar: The boy is possessed!!! An exorcism, I say!!!

Slade: *slaps Dekar* Cut the emo-crap, Dekar!

Dekar: …Sorry… Or am I!?!?

Slade *slaps Dekar again* Don’t make me pistol whip you like last time!!

Dekar: …I’ll be good…

Atoli: *chasing Haseo* HAAAAAAAASEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Piros: *chasing Haseo* YOUR LOVE MAKES ME HOT!!!

Haseo: Why does this keep happening to me!?!?

Kite: Uh, guys… I checked the Chaos Gate outside… It’s broken. We’re stuck here.

Everyone: ………

Piros: ………Hark! *is stabbed by Lawliet* GAAAHHH! My gallbladder!!

*everyone looks at Lawliet*

Lawliet: …What? …Oh, come on! It’s not like you guys didn’t see it coming!!

Ovan: …Yeah…

UnKnOwN: …True…

Arkyron: …He’s got a point…

Dekar: REPENT!!! REPENT FOR YOUR SINS, MORTALS!!!

Slade: *slaps Dekar* No dinner for you tonight!!

Atoli: C’mon, Haseo!!

Haseo: For the last time, I’m not sleeping with you!!

*everyone watches as Atoli drags Haseo into a room by his legs*

BlackEcho: *is automatically logged in after being PKed* …What’d I miss?

Haseo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Kirby: …Not much…

[Hayate]

Voice from Above: Yes… That's right… Dance, puppets, dance… Huh? HEY! How’d you get in here? Someone is SO fired over this!

Episode 3

Kite: Hey, guys. I hope you don’t mind, but I invited a couple guys here for poker.

Ovan: KITE!! Are you crazy!? The Chaos Gate’s broken!! Anyone else who comes here gets trapped like us!!

Kirby: *from ceiling* Uh, guys?

Ovan: FOR GOD’S SAKE, KIRBY, SHUT THE F**K UP!!!!

*Haseo leaves room shirtless*

Haseo: I saw things I shouldn’t have…

Slade: Hey, Haseo!! How’s it feel to be a man?

Haseo: …

Slade: … *gets PKKed* GAAAHHH!!!

Haseo: Anyone else want some of this?!?

Arkyron: MASTER TRI-EDGE IS DISPLEASED!! WE MUST APPEASE HIM WITH A SACRIFICE!!! *picks up UnKnOwN*

UnKnOwN: Put me down, you son of a bitch! Remember the restraining order!?

Ovan: …

Kite: …

Ovan: Moving along… WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, KITE!?

Kite: I was thinking that if I spend another minute with you idiots, I’ll probably blow my brains out!!

Ovan: C’mon… It’s not that bad…

BlackEcho: GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, LAWLIET!!!

Lawliet: *preparing Vak Don spell* COME BACK!!! I JUST WANT TO SEE IF YOU’RE FLAMMABLE!!!

Kite: You were saying?

Ovan: Never mind… So, who did you invite?

*Balmung and Orca enter with a boom box*

Balmung: Whazzup, y’all!? It’s Azure O and B-Money in the hizzouse!!

Orca: Word!!

Everyone: …

Ovan: …That’s it. Lawliet, kill me right now.

Dekar: THIS BE THE DEVIL’S WORK!!! DROWN THE HEATHENS IN HOLY WATER!!! *needle is injected into Dekar’s neck* Ooh… Dekar sleepy… *collapses*

Slade: That’s better.

Ovan: Kite… Why invite THEM?

Kite: …Well, my wife doesn’t let me invite any of my old friends anymore.

Everyone: YOU HAVE A WIFE!?!?

Kite: Yep. In fact, she even deleted my other member addresses. I invited Natsume over once and my wife accused me of having an affair. After kicking Natsume out, she gave me two choices: she would divorce me or beat me half to death with a blunt object… Enough said…

Balmung: Okay! Let’s get dis party started!!

Orca: Holla!!

Haseo: …If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom…killing myself…

Kirby: *from ceiling* Suicide pills are in the left cabinet!

*Piros the 3rd enters*

Piros: Hark! ‘Tis my old friend and ally, Balmung! *puts hand on Balmung’s shoulder* How fare you, my good chum?

Balmung: Azure O… Did this sumbitch just touch B-Money?

Orca: Oh, no, he di-n’t!! Oh, no, he DI-I’NT!!

Piros: Hark?

Balmung: B-Money’s gon’ have to teach you some manners, boy!

Orca: Oh, it’s on now!!! It’s on like DONKEY KONG!!!

*Balmung takes out a switchblade*

Piros: Hark! A short blade! I wasn’t aware that was a class in this game-- *throat is slit* GAAAHHH!!!

Balmung: That’s right! You just got owned, bitch!!

Orca: OWNED!!!!

UnKnOwN: …Do you find this hard to understand?

Arkyron: MASTER TRI-EDGE IS PLEASED AGAIN!!!

UnKnOwN: …I didn’t think so…

BlackEcho: Help!!!!!!!

Lawliet: Mwahahahahahahaha!!! LAWLIET KILL!! LAWLIET KILL!!!

Kite: *sobs* All I wanted was to play some poker…

*meanwhile*

Atoli: *snoring* …Haseo… Let’s do it again… *snoring*

[Hayate]

“We regret to inform that Piros the 3rd will no longer be appearing on the show because of Balmung’s methods. Sorry.”
The Management

Voice from Above: There. Now I should stop getting letters from the executives. YOU HEAR ME, YOU EXECUTIVE BASTARDS!?!? I’M ONTO YOU!!!!

Episode 4

Haseo: Thank god… He’s gone… That just leaves--

Atoli: HASEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Haseo: Oh, not again!! *gets tackled to the ground* Oh, why do I bother?

*Balmung enters*

Balmung: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!! Go, Haseo! It’s your birthday!

Haseo: BALMUNG, I SWEAR TO F**KING GOD, IF I COULD MOVE, I’D RIP OUT YOUR SPINE!!!

Orca: Yo! Where da bitches at?! All I see is the blond with the stupid hat!

Slade: The Voice won’t give us any because of…well…

*last season on .hax//WTF, BlackRose is chugging down a pitcher of beer*

Everyone: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

BlackRose: *after drinking* Ahhhhhh!!! WOOOOO!!!!

Everyone: YEAH!! ALRIGHT, ROSE!!!

UnKnOwN: Ha!! Told you! You owe me a hundred bucks, pal!

Dekar: Damn… I never should’ve let you talk me into this… *hands over 100 GP*

UnKnOwN: Yeah, yeah, cry me a river, you emo bastard…

Dekar: Hmph! *walks away sulking* Huh? *picks up book on necromancy* Hmm… This looks pretty cool…

BlackRose: *slurring* HA!! I told you f**kers I could do it!! I-- *collapses from alcohol poisoning*

BlackEcho: Uh… Rose?

Marche: Is she okay?

Ovan: …Poke her with a stick…

*Lawliet pokes at BlackRose’s side with his spear, but she doesn’t move*

Lawliet: …Now what?

Everyone: …

Arkyron: …SHE’S DEAD!!! OH, MY F**KING GOD, SHE’S DEAD!!! *is hit in the head with a beer bottle*

Haseo: Shut up, Ark! She just passed out!

Kite: How do we explain this to the Voice?

Haseo: Explain what!?! I’m not taking the fall for this one!!!

Slade: Me neither!!

*everyone leaves the room except for Kite*

Kite: Dammit!! Why do I have to get blamed for everything!? *looks at BlackRose’s limp body* Hmm… Ah, well. I’m going to hell anyway. *starts to undress*

*present season on .hax//WTF*

BlackEcho: When Kite’s wife found out, well… Let’s just say we all discovered 27 new uses for a frying pan.

Balmung: Damn!! I can see why you boys be gettin’ crazy up in here!! Tch!! Forget this!! I’m calling up m’girl!!

Orca: Yeah!! Bring on da bitches!!

Lawliet: GRRAAAHHHH!!!!! I CAN’T TAKE THE GANGSTA-NESS ANYMORE!!! *slices open Arkyron’s stomach with his spear*

Arkyron: UGGGAHHH!!! My small intestine!!

Lawliet: Ahh… Much better…

*Balmung takes out a cell phone*

UnKnOwN: A CELL PHONE!?!? WHAT KIND OF HACK IS THAT!?!?

Dekar: ‘Tis evil sorcery!! SLADE!! Fetch my scrolls!!

Slade: Get your scrolls your own damn self!!

Balmung: YO!! Could I get some silence? I’m making a call over here!! *pause* Hey, Mia, what’s crackalatin’? You busy?

Kite: WHAT!?!? Oh, please!! Please!! Anything but her!! I’m begging you!!

Balmung: Aiight, cool. See ya in a beat. *hangs up*

Kite: Quick!! To the bunker!! We’ll never survive!!

Ovan: Why, Kite? Who’s Mia?

Kite: The embodiment of the apocalypse!!!

Haseo: What? That’s impossible………………Atoli is.

Atoli: *holds Haseo tight* I LOVE YOU TOO, HASEO!!!

Haseo: Agh…Can’t…breathe…

Kirby: I’m sure whoever “Mia” is, she has more rationality than most of us.

*Mia enters wearing skimpy clothes*

Mia: HEEEEEEEEEY!!!!!!!

Everyone: …

Kirby: I stand corrected…

Mia: *looks at Balmung and Orca* Balmy! Orcy!!

Haseo/Slade/Ovan/UnKnOwN: BALMY!?!?

Lawliet/Marche/Kirby/BlackEcho: ORCY!?!?

Atoli: How cute!! <3

Dekar: ‘Tis a witch!! Burn her!! BURN HER!!

Kite: And now it begins…

*Ciege comes in after Mia*

Ciege: …Why did I have to come?

Mia: Because I like hanging out with you, Ciegy!

Ciege: Would you PLEASE stop calling me that!?

Lawliet: CANNON FODDER!!!!

Ciege: What the f**k!?!? No one told me Lawliet would be here!!

Ovan: You know each other?

Lawliet: We’ve…crossed paths.

Ciege: “Crossed paths”?! You lit me on fire and shot me out of the f**king Crest Gun!! And seven years ago, in the old version of The World, you lit me on fire and threw my burning body into a f**king volcano!!

Lawliet: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I remember that!!! But I couldn’t help it!! You were standing in the middle of a field by yourself!! You practically had “Burn Me!” written all over you!!

Ciege: …I hate you so f**king much…

BlackEcho: …Join the club…

[Hayate]

Voice from Above: Hmm… The house is getting a bit overcrowded… Time to get rid of a few…nonessentials…

*Lawliet is asleep in his room*

Lawliet: *mumbling* …Sin of…Shadows…Whoosh… *snoring*

Voice: Lawliet…Heed my voice…

Lawliet: *still asleep* …Cannon fodder?

Voice: No, you dumbass!! It’s the Voice!!

Lawliet: *snoring*

Voice: LAWLIET!!!

Lawliet: *muttering*

Voice: I don’t have time to explain!! Those executive bastards might be listening in!! Now…When you wake up tomorrow, I want you to eliminate the following people…

Lawliet: *mumbling*

Voice: ……………You got all that?

Lawliet: …Lawliet kill…Slice and dice…

Voice: Hehehe… Good, good… Show me what you can do, my pawn…

Episode 5

Haseo: Atoli… I don’t mean to be rude, but… YOU’VE BEEN HOLDING ONTO ME FOR THE PAST SEVEN HOURS!!! WHEN ARE YOU GONNA LET ME GO!?!?

Atoli: NEVER!!!!!!!

*Haseo takes out one of his dual swords, puts it between his body and Atoli’s body, and uses it as a crowbar to break Atoli’s grip on him*

Haseo: Must…get…free…of…succubus…! *the sword snaps in half* Oh, goddammit! That was my best weapon!!

*Arkyron enters*

Arkyron: …

Haseo: Arkyron!! Quick!! Get me out of this!!

Arkyron: …MASTER TRI-EDGE’S WORD IS LAW!!!

Haseo: Screw you and screw your schizophrenia!!!

*Lawliet enters*

Haseo: Lawliet!! Could you please get this bear trap off me!?

Lawliet: … *flashes an evil smile*

Haseo: I don’t like where this is going…

Arkyron: THE POWER OF TRI-EDGE COMPELS YOU!!! *gets killed by Lawliet* GAAAHHH!!! My liver!!

Lawliet: …The Sin of Shadows strikes again… *walks away*

Haseo: Wait! Lawliet, where are you going!? Dammit!! Where’s a f**king priest when you need one!?

*Meanwhile, Balmung and Orca break dance in the front yard while Slade and BlackEcho watch*

Balmung: Yeeeaaaah, boooooy! Azure O and B-Money representin’!!

Orca: Descendants of Fianna in the house!!

BlackEcho: …How the hell did I let you talk me into this?

Slade: ‘Cuz you’re easily manipulated, that’s how.

*Lawliet enters*

Balmung: What up, L-Dawg?

Lawliet: … *flashes an evil smile*

Slade: Uh-oh! Lawliet’s got that homicidal look again!

BlackEcho: RUN FOR THE HILLS!!

Orca: Yo, B-Money!! Let’s show L-Dawg how we roll! *gets killed by Lawliet* UGGAAAHHHH!!!!

Balmung: Oh, SNAP!!!!

*Lawliet slowly walks towards Balmung*

Balmung: Aiight, L-Dawg! You wanna play? *takes out switchblade* Let’s play! *gets killed by Lawliet* Aw, muthaf**ka!!

Lawliet: …Hehehe… *licks blood off of his spear*

Slade: Damn, man! What the hell’s up with Lawliet? He’s even more deranged than usual!

BlackEcho: Maybe he’s kept his demonic tendencies suppressed for so long that it’s finally driven him insane?

Slade: Yeah… Either that or he’s f**king NUTS!!!

BlackEcho: …Yeah, let’s go with that…

*Meanwhile, UnKnOwN watches as Dekar practices his necromancy*

UnKnOwN: You expect me to believe you can speak to the dead?

Dekar: Observe and be amazed, nonbeliever! *sits down in a circle of candles and closes his eyes* Is there a loved one who passed away that you wish to speak to?

UnKnOwN: Fine, I’ll humor you! Contact…Emma Wielant!

Dekar: The writer of the Epitaph of Twilight, eh? I shall see what I can do! Ohhhhhhhhh……

*The candles begin to burn more brightly*

UnKnOwN: …

Dekar: Miss Emma Wielant, I summon you! Heed my voice and once again traverse the plane of the living!

*Lawliet enters*

Dekar: Ah! I hear footsteps! It is working!

UnKnOwN: Oh, this is a bunch of bull!! *turns around to see Lawliet* You see? It’s just-- *gets killed by Lawliet* GAAAHHHH!!!!

Lawliet: …Heh… *walks away*

Dekar: What was that, UnKnOwN? I cannot open my eyes until my soul has left the plane of the dead. …………There! My soul is free! *turns around* Now, what was it you were - OH, MY LORD!!! Oh, what have I done!? The souls of the dead have been angered!! GREAT GODS IN THE SKIES ABOVE, FORGIVE MY FOOLISHNESS!!!

*Hours later…*

Ovan: Something needs to be done about Lawliet. In just the past few hours, all of the people he killed aren’t coming back to life for some reason.

Slade: Arkyron, Balmung, Orca, UnKnOwN, Kirby, and now Gaspard.

Atoli: Poor Gaspard… He was only here for five seconds…

Kite: Oh, yeah, like Gaspard’s death was really that big a deal… Whiny-ass bitch…

BlackEcho: So, what ARE we supposed to do?

Dekar: We must give of ourselves to the gods and beg their forgiveness!! *is hit in the head with a beer bottle* Oof! *passes out*

Ciege: There! Now, does anyone have a GOOD idea!? *everyone stares at Ciege* …What’s everyone glaring at me for?

Haseo: Well, Lawliet does like setting Ciege on fire…

Mia: Mm-hmm. It just might work. *flirtatiously* Oh, Ciegy…

Ciege: Oh, no!! We ain’t doing that!! No way in hell!!

Everyone: …

Ciege: …

Marche: GRAB HIS LEGS!!!

*Eventually, Ciege stands by himself on a cliff, bound by ropes*

Ciege: I swear to God, I’m gonna get you guys for this!!

*Everyone else hides behind the rocks*

Haseo: Are you sure this’ll work, Ovan?

Ovan: No, I’m not.

Haseo: …

Ovan: …

Haseo: …F**king great.

*Lawliet approaches the cliff*

Lawliet: …H-Huh? *Lawliet’s sane side takes control* Cannon fodder?

Voice from Above: No!! Obey me, minion!!

Lawliet: Ah, screw you! *goes up to Ciege* Vak Don! *sets Ciege on fire and pushes him over the cliff* MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Mia: Yay! Lawliet’s back to normal!

Kite: …Define “normal”…

[Hayate]

Voice from Above: Damn… The house is still crowded… And how the hell did Arkyron come back? Lawliet got rid of him!

Arkyron: TRI-EDGE HAS GIVEN ME OMNIPOTENCE!! PRAISE TRI-EDGE!!!

Voice: Oh, shut up, you f**king hacker!!

Arkyron: ………TRI-EDGE!!! *is struck by lightning*

Voice: That’s better… Now it’s time for…SCENES OF RANDOMNESS!!

Episode 6

Scene 1

*Ciege tiptoes out of his room to avoid being detected by Lawliet*

Ciege: I’m almost…at…the door… Yes! *opens door*

*door creaks open*

Lawliet: Where ya going, cannon fodder?

Ciege: Crap!!

Lawliet: You know you can’t leave without your hourly burning!!

Ciege: For God’s sake, Lawliet, why do you want to set me on fire all the time?! What’d I ever do to you!?!

Lawliet: …You mean you forgot…?

Ciege: Forgot what?

Lawliet: Seven years ago, in the old version of The World…

*seven years ago, in the old version of Mac Anu*

Lawliet: Yes! I finally have enough money to buy the spear! *goes to weapon shop* Hello! One Million$ Spear, please!

Vendor: Ooh… Sorry, buddy. Just sold the last one to that guy. *points to Ciege*

Lawliet: Grrrr…Lawliet kill…

Vendor: Hmm… We should have a new shipment of that spear in the next few hours… Huh? Hey, buddy, where’d you go? *sees Lawliet following Ciege through the Chaos Gate* Oh, well…

*present day*

Ciege: You’ve been holding this grudge against me for seven years because of a stupid weapon!?!?

Lawliet: Why the hell did you need a spear anyway!? You were a f**king Wavemaster back then!!

Ciege: I bought the spear for a friend!! I went to meet her at an area, but you PKed me before I could give it to her!!

Lawliet: And I’d do it again given the chance!! Now come here and take your burning like a man!!

Ciege: GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, YOU PSYCHO!!!!

Lawliet: KILL, KILL, KILL, KILL!!!

Scene 2

*Haseo is on the couch watching TV*

Haseo: …

*Atoli walks in dressed like Shino*

Atoli: Well? What do you think, Haseo?

Haseo: …

Atoli: Aren’t I pretty?

Haseo: …

Atoli: …Haseo, if I killed myself, what would you do?

Haseo: I’d cry over your open grave.

Atoli: Really!?!

Haseo: Hell no!! I’d throw a party and drink ‘til I pass out!

Atoli: Aww, you don’t mean that!!

Haseo: …You’re blocking the television…

Atoli: *jumps onto Haseo* C’mon, Haseo!! Let’s make out!!

Haseo: AGAIN!?!?

*Slade and Ovan walk in on Haseo and Atoli*

Haseo: Get off!! I swear I’ll kill you!!

Slade: …Back away slowly?

Ovan: Hell yeah…

Scene 3

*Dekar is in his room practicing more necromancy*

Marche: So, you can seriously bring the dead back to life?

BlackEcho: This ought to be good for a laugh…

Dekar: SILENCE!!! …I must have absolute silence if I am to conjure the doorway to the necropolis…

*Dekar places his hand on a closet door and concentrates*

Dekar: Ohhhhhhhhh…

Marche: …

BlackEcho: …

Dekar: Ohhhhhhhhh…

Marche: …

BlackEcho: …This is a load of bull…

Marche: …Tell me about it…

BlackEcho: Wanna go play video games?

Marche: …Sure. You know, it’s kinda weird that there’d be games inside a game…

Dekar: Ohhhhhhhhh… Hmm? Oh! I’ve done it!! I’ve opened the portal to the necropolis!! *opens the door to reveal a blinding light* Ahhh… ‘Tis glorious…

*suddenly, ghostly hands pop out of the light, grab Dekar, and starting dragging him into the light*

Dekar: What!? No! NO!! Unhand me, foul wraiths!! Marche!! BlackEcho!! I require your assistance!!

Marche: Screw you, emo!!

Dekar: You little bastards!! If I had the energy to do so, I’d turn your brains inside out!!

BlackEcho: Yeah, yeah, have fun in hell, freak!

*Dekar is completely swallowed by the light*

Voice: AND NOW, SOMETHING DIFFERENT!!!

Scene 4

Kite: Hey, Ovan!

Ovan: What?

Kite: I just came up with this awesome prank to pull on Haseo!

Ovan: Really…?

Kite: We make a hologram of Shino and place it on the cliff! When Haseo sees it, he’ll try to go up to her and run over the cliff!!

Ovan: Kite, that’s the stupidest plan ever…

Kite: …So, you in?

Ovan: Totally. Let’s do it.

*later that day…*

Kite: Okay! The hologram’s up! Now, we wait for Haseo!

Ovan: …

*Haseo walks by the cliff and sees the hologram of Shino*

Haseo: …Sh…Shino!?

Kite: It’s working!!

*Shino turns around and looks at Haseo*

“Shino”: …Ha…se…o…

Haseo: SHINO!!! *runs up to the hologram*

Kite: Here it comes!!!

*Haseo is now about 8 feet away from the hologram*

: STOP!!!!

*Haseo stops running and turns around to see Atoli*

Atoli: That’s not Shino!!

Ovan: Well, this is an interesting development…

Kite: NO!!!! MY PRANK IS RUINED!!! DAMN THAT ATOLI!!!

Haseo: A…Atoli? What’re you talking about?

Atoli: That’s not really Shino! Look! I’ll prove it to you!!

*Atoli runs up to the hologram of Shino, passes through it, and goes over the cliff*

Atoli: IIIIIIIIIIIII TOOOOOOOOOLD YOOOOOOOU!!!!!

Haseo: …

Kite: …

Ovan: …

Haseo: …YES!!! I’m finally free!!! Thank you, God!!

Kite: Well… That was unexpected…

Ovan: So… Mission accomplished?

Kite: Who cares? Let’s get some pie.

[Hayate]

Executive 1: …And there you have it.

Executive 2: You know what you must do, right?

Voice from Above: Yes… I know…

*executives leave*

Voice: …………………………c.ockbags.

Executive 1: You say something!?

Voice: N-Nothing, master!!

Episode 7 (Season Finale)

Haseo: …Ovan?

Ovan: Yeah?

Haseo: …How long has Atoli been…attached…to me?

Ovan: Let’s see… 8 hours, 47 minutes, and… 15 seconds.

Kite: How the hell did you survive that fall anyway, Atoli?

Atoli: I landed on my head!!

Haseo/Ovan/Kite: …

Ovan: …I have nothing to say to that…

Kite: Same here…

Haseo: …How many episodes has it been?

Ovan: Hmm… Today would be seven.

Haseo: Seven, huh? …………Wait! Seven!?

Kite: Yeah, why?

*Haseo breaks free of Atoli’s embrace*

Haseo: Yes!! Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES!!!

*Slade and BlackEcho enter*

Slade: What the hell’s up with Haseo?

BlackEcho: I think he’s gone crazy from being around Atoli for too long…

Slade: Oh… That’s a bummer. I’ll get the sleeping pills.

Haseo: SEVEN EPISODES!!!

Marche: Oh, sure… Rub it in, why don’t you?

Haseo: Don’t you get it!?!? We’ve been here for more than five episodes!! The season’s technically over!!

BlackEcho: …That makes no sense!

Slade: Yeah, the average season of a TV series lasts 26 episodes.

Haseo: Yeah, but I know from experience that reality TV shows usually get old around the third or fourth episode. I bet no one’s even watching us right now!!

Everyone: …

Marche: Actually…that DOES make sense!

Kite: So…we’re free?

Everyone: YEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

*suddenly, a loud thud is heard*

Ovan: Did you guys hear that?

*thud*

Ovan: There it was again.

Slade: Yeah… What is that?

*thud*

Atoli: IT’S A GHOST!!! *is hit in the head with a blunt object and falls over* I’m okay!!

*thud*

Marche: It sounds like it’s coming from Dekar’s room…

*everyone goes into Dekar’s room and the loud thuds get louder*

Ovan: It’s coming from the closet.

Marche/BlackEcho: Uh-oh…

*the door suddenly swings open, revealing a blinding light*

Haseo: WHAT THE F**K IS THAT!?!?

: Back!! Back, foul demons of the underworld!!

*Dekar comes out covered in ectoplasm, shutting the door behind him*

Dekar: I have…returned from…the necropolis!!

Everyone: …

Slade: …You were gone?

Dekar: YOU!!!!

Marche/BlackEcho: Uh-oh…

Dekar: Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t burn your entrails to a crisp!!

Marche: Uh…

BlackEcho: …Season finale party?

Dekar: *normal voice* Season finale!? Sweetness!! I’ll get the vodka!!

*Later…*

Haseo/Kite/Marche/Dekar: OHHHH, HI-DEE-DI-DEE-DI-DEE-DI-DEE-DI-DEE-DI-DEE-DI!!!

BlackEcho: Tell me again how you convinced those four to do “Irish Drinking Song”.

Kite: Hell, those guys are so drunk, I could’ve gotten them to do it naked!

BlackEcho: …I’m kinda glad you didn’t…

Atoli: WHOOOOOO!!!! TAKE IT OFF!!!!!

Slade: Is Atoli drunk too?

Kite: No, why?

Slade: …Never mind…

*suddenly, Mia and Ciege come in the front door*

Mia: We’re BAAAAACK!!!

Ovan: Back from where?

Ciege: It doesn’t matter. Presenting--

Ovan: What do you mean it doesn’t--

Ciege: I SAID IT DOESN’T MATTER!!! *ahem* Presenting the new Lawliet!!

*Lawliet, a Flowing Melodist, walks in with an electric guitar*

Everyone: HOLY SH*T!!!

Haseo: What the hell happened to you!?!?!?

Lawliet: I changed my job class. Kicks ass, doesn’t it?

Kite: Well…it kicks something…

Lawliet: Heh. I’ll show you “something”.

*Lawliet plays an awesome guitar riff on his guitar*

Lawliet: Well?

*everyone looks at Lawliet with jaws hanging open*

Lawliet: Yeah, I thought so. Well then…Let’s REALLY get this party started!!

*Hours later, everyone stands near the Chaos Gate*

Haseo: Well… This is it…

Ovan: Doesn’t anyone else think it’s weird that the Voice didn’t contact us about this or anything?

Mia: Aw, Ovan, you’re such a worrywart! *gets shot by Ovan* GAAAHHH!!!

Ovan: I-I’m sorry, but anyone who says that word doesn’t deserve to live… I’m sorry, but I just had to do it.

Slade: And we all respect you for it, Ovan. She had it coming…

Haseo: …Moving on…

*Haseo moves towards the Gate and reaches towards it with his hand*

Haseo: *gulp*

*Haseo’s hand starts to tremble*

Haseo: …

Atoli: GO FOR IT, HASEO!!! *shoves Haseo*

Haseo: AAAAHHHH-- *touches the light of the Chaos Gate and vanishes*

Dekar: He…disappeared.

Kite: Yeah! It works!

Lawliet: …Do you guys hear someone screaming?

*a scream from above causes everyone to look up at the sky*

Haseo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

*Haseo falls on top of Atoli*

Haseo: I’m okay… Luckily, an idiot broke my fall…

Marche: Wait a minute… Haseo’s still here, which means… WE’RE STILL STUCK IN THIS PLACE!?!?!?

Voice from Above: Yes… Did I forget to mention that?

BlackEcho: What the f**k, Voice!?!? We did your whole reality TV thing!!! What else do you want from us?!?

Voice: Well… It’s a funny story actually… The executives thought the show was so successful that we should spring for more seasons.

Ciege: How many seasons…?

Voice: …5.

Everyone: …

*Dekar drops to his knees*

Dekar: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *breaks down crying*

Ovan: Five more seasons!?!?!? That’s madness!!!

Haseo: You’re keeping us here against our will!!! That can’t be legal!!!!

Voice: I AM ABOVE THE LAW!!!! ……………………Have a nice life!

Lawliet: NO!!!! If I have to stay here for even one more episode, I’ll lose my mind!!! *goes up to the Chaos Gate and starts kicking it* WORK!!! YOU!!! STUPID!!! PIECE!!! OF!!! CRAP!!!

Mia: Stop it, Lawliet!! That won’t do any good!!

Lawliet: Well, it’s better than doing nothing at all!!

Ciege: “Doing nothing at all”? ………Jinkies!! I have an idea!!

Everyone: …

Haseo: …PLEASE tell me he didn’t just say “Jinkies”…

Lawliet: That’s it! I’m changing back to a Lord Partizan!

Mia: Shut up, guys!! Ciege has an idea!!

Slade: Yeah… He’s also the guy that said “Jinkies”. I say we throw his body into the ravine.

Ciege: COULD YOU GUYS JUST HEAR ME OUT!?!?

Slade: *sigh* Fine… (But I’m still throwing you into the ravine…)

*minutes later, everyone returns to the house*

Voice: Well, well! I’m glad you all came to your senses! And now, without further ado… Let the second season begin!!

SEASON TWO

Episode 1 (Take 1)

*everyone sits around the living room doing nothing*

Haseo: …

Slade: …

Dekar: …

Ovan: …

Kite: …

Lawliet: …

Atoli: …

Marche: …

BlackEcho: …

Mia: …

Ciege: …

Voice: ……………………What the f**k!?

Executive 1: VOICE!!!!

Executive 2: WHAT’S THE MEANING OF THIS!?!?

Voice: Hey!! I had nothing to do with this!! Th-they must be staging a sit-in!!

Executive 2: A SIT-IN!?!?!?

Executive 1: So help us, Voice, if you don’t fix this…!

Voice: I know, I know!! Just give me, like, two minutes!! *addressing the housemates* What do you guys think you’re doing!?!?

Everyone: …

Voice: Don’t you realize the studio could lose money over this!?

Everyone: …

Voice: C’mon, guys!! Do me a solid!! The executives will hang me if you don’t give us a show!!

Everyone: …

Voice: Uh… A-Atoli!! Don’t you want to smother Haseo!?

Atoli: …

Haseo: …

Voice: …L-Lawliet!! Set Ciege on fire!! You know you want to!!

Lawliet: …

Ciege: …

Voice: …Dekar!! Do some of your emo hocus pocus again!!

Dekar: *yawn*

Executives: VOICE!!!!

Voice: I know, I know!!

*everyone enters a private chat room in their minds*

Haseo: Wow… Ciege’s plan is really working…

Ciege: Yup! It’s only a matter of time until the Voice has no choice but to let us leave!

Lawliet: I gotta say, Ciege, you surprise me… With all the times I set you on fire, I thought your brain would’ve been too fried to come up with a plan like this…

Ciege: Thanks, Lawliet… I think…

Dekar: So, how much longer do we keep this up?

Ciege: Hmm… Shouldn’t be much longer now.

Marche: Good, ‘cuz this silence is driving me crazy.

Voice: *sigh* Okay, guys… I didn’t want to do this, but…

*a blue light envelops the room*

BlackEcho: What the hell is…?

Ovan: Hmm…

Atoli: Haseo, I’m scared!

Haseo: Oh, grow some backbone, would you, Atoli!? Jeez!!

Voice: There! Now you’ll have no choice but to do my bidding!!

Everyone: Huh?

Voice: I’ve just injected explosive devices into each of your brains!! Explosive devices that, when set off, will cause you to fall into a coma!!

Everyone: WHAT!?!?!?

Voice: Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Mia: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!

Kite: *slaps Mia across the face* SETTLE DOWN!!!

Dekar: Yeah!! Knowing the Voice, this is probably just a bluff!!

Voice: Oh, is it…?

*Arkyron enters*

Arkyron: PRAISE TRI-EDGE!!!!

Voice: Ah. Right on time.

*the blue light envelops the room again*

Arkyron: …Pretty light…

Voice: And… ACTION!!!

*beep*

*explosive in Arkyron’s brain goes off*

Arkyron: GAAAAHHHH!!!! My medulla oblongata!!

*Arkyron falls to the ground and brain juice oozes out of his head*

Slade: OH MY F**KING GOD!!!!

Ovan: So… It wasn’t a bluff after all… Yup, we’re dead.

Voice: Now you understand!! Do what I say or else!!

Dekar: *drops to his knees* REPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENT!!!

Slade: Well, I don’t know about you guys, but if it means keeping my life, then screw it!! I’m doing whatever the God-wannabe up there wants!!

Kite: Same here!! Forget the rebellion!!

BlackEcho: *sigh* Great… Another 5 seasons of misery and torture…

*Haseo stares into the camera*

Haseo: YA HEAR THAT, YOU F**KERS AT HOME WATCHING THIS!?!?!? WE GOTTA CONTINUE THIS GOD-FORSAKEN SHOW SO WE CAN KEEP OUR LIVES INTACT!! TRY LIVING WITH THAT ON YOUR CONSCIENCE, C.OCKBAGS!!!!!!

Ovan: …Well done, Haseo… Very subtle…

Haseo: Oh, go to hell, Ovan!!