Post by Hayate on Dec 25, 2010 21:30:18 GMT -5
.hax//WTF 2.0
WTF Christmas: The Second Coming
*an alarm clock rings, and Kaeion awakens in his bed with bloodshot eyes*
Kaeion: …
*looking over at the wall calendar, he discovers it was December 24 – Christmas Eve*
Kaeion: *groans*
*pulling his pillow out from under his head, Kaeion proceeds to bury his face in it*
Kaeion: I swear, if I wake up tomorrow in this bed, I’m gonna kill myself.
*all of a sudden, Jack bursts in wearing a Santa costume*
Jack: HO-HO-HO! Merry Christmas, one and--!
*before he could finish, however, Jack is struck in the face by Kaeion’s alarm clock and falls over*
Jack: Ow.
Kaeion: Hey, “Retard Claus”. Not now, not ever.
Ciel: *walks over* …You okay there, Jack?
Jack: I can’t feel my teeth.
Ciel: Most of them were knocked out.
Jack: Yeah, that’s probably why.
*sitting up in his bed, Kaeion lets out a great yawn; as he looks toward the window, he notices several figures looking in*
Kaeion: Huh?
*after rubbing his eyes, he looks again and sees no one there*
Kaeion: …The hell?
*hours later, the housemates all assemble outside to witness the lighting of the Christmas lights*
Girls: 3… 2… 1… NOW!
*the lights on the girls’ house light up first; a multitude of festive colors brighten up the atmosphere*
Kyoko: Ooh…
Saber: Another job well done, girls.
Briar Rose: “Girls”? Please. I did most of the work.
Miharu: What do you think of that, boys!?
Kyuzo: Meh.
Neon: It’s cute.
Gilgamesh: Yeah. “Cute”. That’s one way to put it. *snaps fingers* Boys?
*at Gilgamesh’s signals, the boys all don sunglasses*
Ayliori: …Dear God, what are they doing now?
*Jack takes out a remote control*
Kaga: Bring the sun, Mr. Russell.
Jack: Bringing it!
*upon pushing a button on the remote, the boys’ house lights up like the 4th of July*
Gwen: OH, GOD, MY EYES!!!
Boys: Hahahaha!
Chibi-Usa: You guys are assholes! *draws dual pistols and fires in random direction*
Ren: Aah! Watch it!
Gilgamesh: Hah! Bonus!
Kaeion: …It’s official. I’m in Hell.
Hayate: Oh, grow a soul already, Kaeion. It’s Christmas.
Kaeion: And you celebrate by blinding everyone?
Neon: That AND getting so wasted, our livers explode.
Kaeion: I stand corrected then. This isn’t Hell. It’s worse.
Vyce: …Uh, guys?
*looking up at the house, the boys notice the lights flickering rapidly, and eventually…they catch fire*
Boys: …
Girls: Hahahaha!
*within seconds, the flames spread to the girls’ house*
Girls: …
Neon: Yup. It just isn’t Christmas until we burn the house down.
*upon putting the flames out, the housemates return to their respective homes to enjoy what was left of the holiday season; Gilgamesh pours himself a cold glass of eggnog*
Gilgamesh: Ahhh… The first ‘nog of the season. Life is sweet.
*he brings the glass to his mouth to drink, but all of a sudden…*
Kyuzo: YOINK!
*…Kyuzo swoops in and snatches it away*
Kyuzo: THE COLD, DELICIOUS BOUNTY BE MINE!!!
Gilgamesh: Oh, you motherf-- Get back here, Kyuzo!
Kyuzo: HAHAHAHAHA!!!
*much merriment is had, but Kaeion is seen sitting on the couch with his arms crossed*
Kaeion: …
*Hayate walks over, drunk as hell, holding a beer bottle*
Hayate: *slurring* Well, well, well! If it isn’t the Grinch himself! Mr. “I’m-Too-Good-for-Christmas”! *hiccup*
Kaeion: Go away.
Hayate: NO! No-no-no-no-no! I wanna say something that I’ve wanted to say for a long-- *hiccup* --long time! You, sir…are a big…fat…
Kaeion: …
Hayate: …
Kaeion: …Yes?
Hayate: DON’T RUSH ME, I’M GETTING TO IT! *hiccup* Where was I? …Oh, yeah! You, sir, are a big…fat…stupid…
Kaeion: …
Hayate: …I lost my train of thought. Hehehe. *falls over*
Kaeion: …How many did he have?
Kaga: *takes Hayate’s beer bottle* …Half of one.
Hayate: *drunkenly singing* Upside, inside out, she’s livin’ la vida loca…
Kaga: Some guys just can’t hold their booze. So, what’s your deal? You look like you’ve had a Christmas tree up your ass all day.
Kaeion: I just…have a feeling that something bad is about to happen…
*just then, the sounds of shattering glass and screaming girls are heard next door*
Kyuzo: Hmm? *gets tackled to the floor* Gah!
Neon: That came from the girls’ house!
*suddenly, the windows of the boys’ house are broken into, the front door comes crashing down, and a small army of what appeared to be soldiers barges inside*
Vyce: Holy crap!
Soldier: EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND, NOW!!!
*upon closer inspection, the soldiers are revealed to be…*
Ciel: …What the hell?
*…elves*
Gilgamesh: Uh… If y’all are heading to a Christmas party, you have the wrong address.
Elf Soldier: I SAID, ON THE GROUND!!!
*three soldiers jump Gilgamesh and beat him with nightsticks*
Gilgamesh: Aah!
*before long, the rest of the boys are jumped and forced to the ground as well*
Kaga: *turns to Kaeion* …You know what I do when I have a feeling that “something bad is about to happen”? I IGNORE IT!
Elf Soldier: *speaking into two-way radio* Perimeter is secure, sir. You are go for entry.
*as if on cue, an additional figure -- one of much larger stature than the SWAT team of elves -- enters through the destroyed entrance of the house; he was overweight, dressed head-to-toe in red and white, had a full beard of white hair, and was smoking a cigar*
All: *gasp*
Kaeion: No…f**king…way!
*indeed, the large man standing before the boys was none other than…*
All: SANTA CLAUS!!!
Santa: *exhales cigar smoke* Ho-ho-ho, motherf**kers.
*minutes later, while the boys come to terms with the fact that Santa Claus was before them, the elves restrain their wrists and ankles with ropes and line them up across the living room floor while Santa lounges on their couch*
Jack: How cool! The real Santa Claus in our house! I’m geeking out here!
Santa: Before you go and soil your panties there, kid, you should know -- I ain’t the real Santa Claus. I’m just a system program modeled after him. We ARE in a video game, y’know.
Kaeion: Don’t remind me…
Kyuzo: Excuse me! Anyone wanna explain to me why we’re starring in a holiday-themed version of “The Godfather” here!?
Santa: Settle down, “Guitar Queer-o”. Ol’ Saint Nicky don’t do nothing without a reason.
Neon: And what IS the reason?
Santa: *exhales cigar smoke* An excellent question. Allow me to answer with a question of my own… *tosses cigar away* …Which one of you numb-nuts shot me with a f**king bazooka last year?!?
All: O.O
Kaga: That would be Vyce over here.
Vyce: Oh, you son of a bitch!
Kaga: I regret nothing.
Santa: Hey, hey. None of that now. In fact, I should be thanking you.
Vyce: …You should?
Santa: For sure. Hell, if it wasn’t for you shooting me out of the sky, landing me in the ICU, and pretty much knocking me out of commission for 5 months… I wouldn’t be so well-rested! Hahahaha!
Vyce: …Hehehe…
Santa: Shut the f**k up.
Vyce: Eeeep!
Santa: *sigh* But see, now I’ve got a bit of a problem. Being -- as I said -- out of commission for so long, it’s backed up work for my elves like you wouldn’t believe. One guy freakin’ offed himself from the stress. Just…jumped headfirst into the machinery and left the rest up to fate. Elf guts flying every which way. It was insane.
All: Eww…
Santa: I remember it clearly too, ‘cuz this was, like, right after I got out of rehab and I had Thai food that day. Oh-ho-ho-ho. Let me tell ya -- quite possibly the WORST time to have Thai food. Hehehehe. Oh, man, I must’ve puked for a good 10 minutes straight. Hahahaha!
Kyuzo: *gag* Oh, God… Turns out eggnog doesn’t taste as good coming back up…
Santa: Ahhh… But I digress. Long story short, we got a huge-ass order to fill.
Ciel: What “order”? I thought you weren’t the real Santa Claus.
Santa: I said I wasn’t the REAL Santa Claus; I never said I didn’t function like him.
Gilgamesh: Okay, so you’re a virtual Santa. We get it. What does that have to do with us and why your SWAT team here leveled half of our living room?
Santa: Well, like I said, we got a big order to fill. And you know what? *leans back* I don’t feel like doing it this year.
Kaeion: *sarcastically* Oh, no. The poor children.
Santa: Yeah, exactly. Which is why… *lights another cigar* …you’re gonna do it instead.
Jack: Yay! We get to save Christmas!
Kyuzo: Are you nuts, fat man!? You expect us to fly all across The World and deliver stupid gifts to little 10-year-old nose-pickers!?
Santa: In one night? Pssssh. That’s just impossible. The sleigh’s just for show. It’s all done by e-mail. WAY more efficient. You’ll love it.
Kaeion: You’re mental.
Santa: Oh, really? Pop quiz for ya, tough guy -- Out of the 6 billion people on Earth, how many do you think subscribe to The World?
Jack: …A hundred?
Santa: …
All: …
Jack: …Two hundred?
Santa: Sheesh. No “star on top of the tree” with this one, is there?
Neon: …You have no idea.
Santa: Try 50 million subscribers. Nowhere near as much as 6 bil, but still. That’s a lot. And I’ve been at this gig since R:2. I’m tired.
Kaga: How can you be tired? You’re a program.
Santa: Hey, “Harry Pothead”, ever hear of memory overload? Even a bowlful of ones and zeroes like me needs a freakin’ day off.
Kaeion: You’re still out of your damn mind if you think we’re gonna agree to this.
Santa: Oh, yeah? Think so? *snaps fingers*
*at Santa’s command, the elves gathered around the group point assorted firearms at the boys, ready to fire at any given moment*
Santa: I got about a hundred pounds of yuletide firepower that says otherwise. And another hundred next door in case you get any ideas. Know what my favorite Christmas carol is? *singing* It’s beginning to look a lot like homicide…
All: …
Ciel: …I vote for the “saving Christmas” thing.
Vyce: Seconded.
Hayate: *still drunk* OBJECTION! Hehehe… OVERRULED! Why!? ‘CUZ I RULE! Hehehe! *hiccup*
Santa: So glad we’ve come to an agreement. What say we get this show on the road then, huh?
*the party relocates to the front yard, where both the male and female housemates meet; surrounding each group of housemates was a unit of SWAT elves*
Kyuzo: So how does this work? You gonna make a bunch of reindeer magically appear in front of us to take us to the North Pole or some nonsense?
Santa: What part of “we’re in a video game” do you not get, pretty boy? Sorry to disappoint, but there ain’t no North Pole or Santa’s Workshop in this story. Hermey?
Elf Soldier (Hermey): Yes, sir!
*the elf named Hermey steps forward and outstretches his arm, pointing his palm outward; several feet out, a type of portal materializes*
Santa: This’ll take you straight to our private server.
Kaeion: You can transport anywhere you want?!?
Santa: *shrugs* Pretty much.
Kaeion: Dude, when this is over, can you drop us off in Mac Anu!?
Santa: Try not to screw this up and I’ll think about it.
Neon: Who are you sending?
Santa: I could care less who goes or how many. But I’m keeping at least one of you as collateral.
Miharu: I nominate Ayliori. She’s expendable.
Ayliori: Like hell, I am! You wanna throw down, bitch!?
Miharu: Just name the time and place, you whore!
Santa: Ooh… *whispering to random soldier* Keep an eye on those two. They’re feisty.
Elf Soldier 2: Yes, sir.
Saber: I’ll stay to fend off Santa’s forces if things start to go south.
Elf Soldier 3: *loads machinegun* Just try it, sweet-cheeks!
Saber: …Also, I suppose someone should stay and look after Hayate.
Hayate: *slurring* Is it time for “Pin the Tail on Kyuzo” yet…?
Kyuzo: *sweatdrop* …Yeah, you do that, Saber.
*eventually, it’s decided that Hayate, Neon, Ciel, Gilgamesh, Saber, Chibi-Usa, Ayliori, and Kyoko would stay behind while everyone else leaves for Santa’s server; as soon as the last soldier escort passes through the portal, it closes shut*
Santa: *turns to remaining housemates* Now, I just wanna set the record straight. I ain’t out to kill anybody today, okay? I’m just tired and pissed. Just do what I say, no funny business, and everyone goes home happy. Cool?
All: …
Santa: …But in all seriousness, if your friends screw this up, you’re all gonna die.
All: …
Chibi-Usa: …Karaoke?
Santa: …Sure, why the hell not?
Neon: Hey, Hayate. You alright?
Hayate: DON’T GIMME THAT SASS, BARKEEP! I’LL STOP WHEN I SAY I’VE HAD ENOUGH! NOW SCOTCH ME! *hiccup*
Ayliori: Yeah, he’s totally not alright. If he throws up, turn him on his side so he doesn’t choke.
Kyoko: If he throws up, I’m getting the hell out of the room.
*meanwhile, in the restricted Ö (Phi) Server, the other end of Hermey’s portal opens, and the party consisting of Kyuzo, Jack Russell, Kaga, Vyce, Kaeion, Hanabi, Ren, Miharu, Gwen, Briar Rose, and an escort unit of soldiers emerges; the group arrives in a grand terminal not unlike the Mac Anu dome, but several times larger; a variety of electronic equipment is seen being operated by more elves*
Jack: Coolio! This is way sweeter than a workshop!
Kaeion: Let’s just get this over with. The sooner this is done, the sooner I can get the f**k home.
Hanabi: Okay, seriously, guy. You’re harshing my mellow here. No one asked you to come.
Kaeion: Who else is supposed to rein you animals in when things get worse? And trust me -- they WILL get worse.
*the gun-toting elves start poking at the party’s backs with the barrels of their firearms*
Elf Soldier: Enough talking! Move! We’re behind schedule!
*the soldiers guide the party through the terminal and down a corridor at the far back of the facility; at the end of the corridor were giant double doors; a soldier approaches the far left end of the doors and slides a keycard through a sort-of barcode reader, then punches a sequence of keys on a number panel*
Computer Voice: Code accepted. Access approved. Welcome to the Chimney.
*the giant doors slowly slide open, granting the party entry; as they enter…*
All: HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP!!!!!
*…they’re greeted by the sight of a gigantic cylindrical chamber reaching far both above and below the bridge they stood on; the walls of the chamber were lined with millions of monitors, each displaying an individual subscriber to The World*
Ren: W-What is all this…!?
Elf Soldier 1: This is the distribution system Santa uses to send out gifts to people with The World accounts via e-mail. We call it the “Chimney”.
Gwen: How appropriate…
Jack: *sniffle* It’s so beautiful…!
Elf Soldier 1: Here’s how it goes down, people. Bottom line: If you have an account, you get something. What that something is depends on the Player’s in-game activity and how long they’ve subscribed to The World. 1 to 3 months of clocked game time gets you 3 to 7 days of free purchases at Root Town stores and guild shops. 4 to 8 months gets you a bunch of stat-increasing Texts and Books. A year or more gets you a 3- to 7-day period of quicker Level-Ups. 2 years or more gets you the Books, the quicker Level-Ups, AND a rare weapon or armor. If the Player has engaged in Player Killing activity at all, they get a crappy item and 3 Level-Downs.
Briar Rose: Heh. Sucks to be you, Kyuzo.
Kyuzo: Bite me, “J-Cups”.
Elf Soldier 1: Using the hover consoles, you will evaluate each Player’s activity through these monitors and distribute gifts accordingly.
Miharu: Each Player!? All 50 million of them?!?
Elf Soldier 2: Hey, if Santa can do it in one night, I’m sure the 10 of you can do it within the next… *checks watch* …8 hours.
Hanabi: 8 HOURS?!? That’s nowhere NEAR enough time!
Elf Soldier 1: I just ran the numbers. If you divide the work up among you, it’ll take you approximately 7 hours and 54 minutes. And that’s without lunch or bathroom breaks.
Kaga: We have to spend Christmas Eve doing menial labor?!?
Elf Soldier 2: Pretty much. Have fun.
*the two soldiers exit to stand guard outside while the party mulls over the situation*
Kyuzo: You HAD to shoot Santa with a f**king bazooka, huh!? You couldn’t have just shot at a random Player on the street!
Vyce: Don’t look at me! Usa-chan got me the damn thing! It’d have been rude NOT to get mileage out of it!
Kyuzo: “Mileage”!? Come here, you ass-hat! Let’s see your “mileage” help you when I chuck you off this bridge!
Kaeion: …
Gwen: I say, the hell with this! If I have to spend Christmas in this stupid game, I’d rather spend it stuffing my face with turkey!
Ren: But what about the guys back at the house!? They’ll all be killed!
Gwen: Fine! To hell with them! They were annoying the crap out of me anyway!
Briar Rose: That’s messed up, Gwen!
Kaeion: …
Jack: *sobbing* We’ll never save Christmas at this rate! Forgive me, Tiny Tim! FORGIVE ME!!!
Kaeion: ENOUGH!!!
All: …
Kaeion: We’re wasting time. With Santa and his midget stooges calling the shots, we don’t have much of a choice.
*having said his piece, Kaeion boards one of the hover consoles and takes to the air*
Kaeion: We might as well push through this so we can get out of here all the faster.
Hanabi: …You’re just concerned with finally leaving The World, aren’t you?
Kaeion: No shit!
*meanwhile, back at the house, Hayate -- still very much drunk -- is seen standing on a makeshift stage with a microphone in one hand and a beer bottle in the other; off-stage, the karaoke machine plays the intro to a new song*
Hayate: *slurring* This song…goes out to a very special lady…
Kyoko: *gasp*
Hayate: She couldn’t be here tonight…
Kyoko: Aww…
Hayate: But a certain someone in the audience…knows who she is… Oh, yes… HIT IT!
*all of a sudden, two elves join in to sing backup*
Hayate/Elves: *singing* Santa’s mom has got it goin’ on… She’s all I want and I’ve waited for so long…
Santa: *eye twitches* …
Ayliori: Dear God, this idiot’s gonna get us all murdered…
Chibi-Usa: I’m scared, Neo-niichan…
Neon: Of what? The fact that we’ll all be dead within the hour, or the fact that Hayate’s completely butchering this song?
Chibi-Usa: …Both.
Elf Soldier: I call next song!
Santa: *glares*
Elf Soldier: *gulp* U-Unless you wanted to go before me, sir…?
*reaching into his pocket, Santa takes out a small pistol, cocks it, and shoots the soldier in the forehead*
Ciel: Holy crap!
Santa: Cleanup! Aisle ‘this guy’s head’!
Gilgamesh: *writing last will and testament* “I, Gilgamesh, being of sound mind and body, do hereby bequeath…absolutely nothing! I demand to be buried with all my crap! P.S.: Tell Kyuzo I always hated him the most, and that I hope he dies in a f**king fire while Justin Bieber plays in the background. …Oh, and Justin Bieber. He can go ahead and burn in hell too.”
*five hours and 30 million gift distributions later, the Ö Server party continues…distributing with exhausted expressions on their faces; only Jack’s face showed any modicum of enthusiasm*
Vyce: Nice… Nice… Naughty… Nice… Naughty… Ugh…
Hanabi: Only 3 recorded PKs over the course of a 2-year account period? Hmm… Ah, screw it. Naughty.
Gwen: “Meted out punishment to wrongdoing Players in the name of justice”? The f**k does that mean!?
Kaga: …I seriously gotta take a leak…
*at his console, Kyuzo simply hits “Naughty” over and over, regardless of game activity and account length*
Kyuzo: *yawn*
Briar Rose: Kyuzo, what the hell are you doing!? Some of the Players you’re putting down as “Naughty” are actually nice!
Kyuzo: Meh. I figure I’ll get at least half of them right.
Briar Rose: This is gift giving, not a damn school test!
Kyuzo: *shrugs* Six of one…
Briar Rose: *groans* Why do I bother?
Kyuzo: Yeah, why do you? Now go away.
*as Rose hovers away shaking her head, Kyuzo happens upon a particular Player bio*
Kyuzo: Ooh… Hello, beautiful…
*it was Kyuzo’s own bio on the screen*
Kyuzo: … *glances left* *glances right*
*making sure no one was looking, Kyuzo puts himself down as “Nice”*
Kyuzo: Hehehe…
Jack: I saw that, Kyuzo!
Kyuzo: Aah! *spins around* …Oh. It’s just you, Jack. Jeez, you nearly gave me a heart attack.
Jack: I saw what you did!
Kyuzo: Oh, piss off. Like it makes a difference.
Jack: Change it!
Kyuzo: Pssssh. F**k that. I wants me a rare weapon.
Jack: CHANGE IT!
Kyuzo: MAKE ME!
*cranking the hover speed of his console to maximum, Jack flies in and rams into Kyuzo’s console*
Kyuzo: Aah! You crazy, you meathead!? You nearly knocked me off this thing!
Jack: If you won’t change it, I will!
Kyuzo: I’d like to see you try!
*once again, Jack flies in toward Kyuzo*
Kyuzo: Oh, jeez! *flies away*
*just then, Jack begins barraging Kyuzo with lasers*
Kyuzo: Whoa! These things can shoot lasers!? That’s kick-ass! *is struck by laser* AAH!
*finally detecting the noise several miles above him, Kaeion looks up*
Kaeion: The hell? What are you guys doing up there!?
*Kyuzo and Jack’s argument escalates into a full-scale dogfight with laser beams; now flying behind Jack, Kyuzo barrages Jack’s console with laser shots*
Kyuzo: How do YOU like it, dipshit!? Hahahaha! I should’ve been in Star Wars!
*Jack’s hover console sustains so much damage, it could no longer hover properly; little by little, he loses altitude*
Jack: …Uh-oh…
*just before the console plummets out of the sky, Jack leaps from it…and grabs a hold on Rose’s; the imbalance of weight causes hers to tilt*
Rose: Aah! Jack, what the hell are you doing!?
Jack: Trying not to die!
*Kaeion passes by Jack’s falling console on the way up*
Kaeion: …Oh, hell…
*even from outside the Chimney, the ensuing crash catches the attention of the two soldiers*
Elf Soldier 1: What in Frosty’s name was that!?
Elf Soldier 2: Quick, get the doors open!
*upon unlocking the doors, the soldiers barge in with guns fully armed*
Elf Soldier 1: What’s going on in here!?
*the two would be treated to the sight of hover consoles on fire, several housemates hanging on for dear life from theirs, Kyuzo firing lasers like crazy, and Kaeion in the center of it all banging his head on the control panel in front of him*
Soldiers: o.0
Elf Soldier 2: Alright! I’m putting an end to this!
*at a master control panel, the second soldier presses what is essentially the kill switch; whatever hover consoles were still intact return to their respective positions on the bridge, and the soldiers approach with fury*
Elf Soldier 1: The hell happened here!?
Jack: *speaking quickly* Well, I was doing the “Naughty” and “Nice” thing! And Kyuzo put himself down as “Nice”, even though everyone and their mother knows he’s naughty! And I told him to change to “Naughty”, and he said “NO!”, and I said “YES!”, and he said, “MAKE ME!” And then I started shooting lasers, and then he started shooting lasers, and it was like, “PYEW-PYEW-PYEW! PYEW-PYEW!” And I lost my console and had to hang on Rose’s console so I wouldn’t fall! Which was where I caught some amazing underboob, but that’s beside the point! And then Vyce and Gwen got caught in the crossfire, and their consoles went down too! And Kyuzo’s still all “PYEW-PYEW! PYEW-PYEW-PYEW-PYEW!” *speaking regularly* And on top of everything, I think I crapped my pants.
Soldiers: …
Briar Rose: …You caught some amazing what now?
Elf Soldier 1: *speaks into two-way radio* Send in the Mistletoe Division.
*a group of about 12 heavily armed elves marches in, encircling the party and pointing guns at them*
Gwen: Come on! Didn’t you hear what he said!? It’s Kyuzo’s fault!
Elf Soldier 2: I should’ve known from the start you maniacs would f**k this up! And with such a simple task too!
Kaeion: A simple task!? WHO INSTALLS LASER BEAMS IN A F**KING EMAIL SYSTEM?!?
Elf Soldier 1: Well, congratulations! You just set us back another 6 months! Christmas is ruined!
Gwen: AND it’s Kyuzo’s fault! Come on, say it with me!
Elf Soldier 2: Enough of this! I’m about to put in the order for you and your retard friends to all be shot! Execution-style!
Kyuzo: Really, what other style is there? Hehehe.
All: SHUT THE F**K UP, KYUZO!!!
Kyuzo: Worth it.
Elf Soldier 2: *speaking into two-way radio* This is “Topside” contacting “Big Red”. Come in, “Big Red”.
Santa: This is “Big Red”. Read ya loud and clear, “Topside”.
Kaeion: WAIT!
Elf Soldier 2: …?
Kaeion: It’s still two and a half hours until midnight. I’ll use one of the hovers left to finish the job.
Ren: What!? Kaeion, there’s no way you can pull that off single-handedly!
Elf Soldier 1: And why should we trust you after what just happened?
Kaeion: ‘Cuz I’m giving you the rest of these guys as hostages.
Kaga: WHAT!?
Miharu: SAY WHAT NOW?!?
Vyce: I NEVER AGREED TO THAT!
Elf Soldier 2: …
Kaeion: …
Elf Soldier 2: … *speaks into two-way radio* Come in, “Big Red”. Sending more faces your way. We proceed as planned. *puts radio away* Take ‘em.
*the Mistletoe Division points the rest of the party back toward the terminal*
Gwen: Have I mentioned this was all Kyuzo’s fault!? Aw, gimme a break!
Elf Soldier 2: …Midnight. Not a second later.
Kaeion: …
*saying nothing, Kaeion gets back onto a hover console and resumes working -- at triple his previous rate; elsewhere…*
Ayliori/Kyoko: I’m falling, free-falling… A city far along, soon I will be gone… Falling, I’m falling down, down, down…
(“Fallin’” by Stephanie; www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvqJYma-Hjk)
Saber: Who knew Ayliori and Kyoko were such good singers?
Ciel: Maybe things are finally starting to look up for us. In fact, I think the booze is finally working its way out of Hayate’s system.
Hayate: Ohhhh… Oh, God, I’m gonna-- *gag* I’m gonna-- *gag*
*reaching for a nearby soldier’s helmet, Hayate barfs into it*
Neon: Ugh… Yeah, thank God for that…
Santa: *pockets radio* Hmph. Don’t be so sure, honey. Just got word that some of your friends are being sent back here. Guess they dropped out. Heh. And so close to the 12:00 mark too. …Hmm? *looks toward front door* Ah. Speak of the brain-dead devils.
*all remaining housemates except Kaeion enter, defeated*
Jack: *sobbing* Christmas is dead! Just kill me now!
Briar Rose: For the love of God, someone shut this guy up! I’d pull the trigger myself if I had a freakin’ gun!
Saber: …Where’s Kaeion?
Kyuzo: Stayed behind. Wanted to play the hero. As usual.
Gwen: Don’t you even start, Kyuzo! We’re screwed ‘cuz of you!
Vyce: Does that mean I’m off the hook?
Gwen: Hell no.
Vyce: Dammit!
*glancing outside, Saber notices that the portal was still open*
Saber: …
*at full speed, she bolts outside toward the slowly closing portal; several Mistletoe Division officers cut her path off*
Elf Soldier: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Saber: Hmph!
*with blinding speed, Saber slices off the barrels of the soldiers’ guns and dives into the portal just seconds before it closed*
Elf Soldier: Should we stop her, sir?
Santa: …
Elf Soldier: …Sir?
*back in the Chimney, Kaeion inches past the 31-million mark and wipes away his sweat*
Kaeion: *panting* …Huh?
*he looks back at the entrance when he hears the doors sliding open; on the other side, he sees Saber standing tall with two unconscious soldiers at her feet; she steps inside the Chimney and meets Kaeion eye-to-eye*
Saber: …
Kaeion: …
*after Kaeion explains the distribution system to Saber and how it functions, the two quickly go to work completing the order, sharing neither a word nor a passing glance to each other*
Kaeion: …
Saber: …
*…a little over 2 hours later, the two are standing before Santa, having finished the job at precisely 11:58*
Santa: *whistles* And with just under 2 minutes to spare. I’m not gonna lie -- I’m impressed. I honestly didn’t think you’d pull it off. Hah. Guess I lost that bet.
Saber: Be honest -- Even if we’d failed, you were never gonna kill us, were you?
Santa: Nah. Couldn’t even if I wanted to. It’s not in my programming. Worst I can do is scare tactics.
Gilgamesh: But…that elf from before--
Santa: Scare. Tactics.
Gilgamesh: But… But you… Didn’t you…? …I’m so confused.
Santa: Well then! Pats on the back all around! Mission accomplished, y’all! Hermey! Get us outta here!
Hermey: Yes, sir!
*upon opening one final portal, Hermey and the rest of the soldiers step through, leaving only Santa to follow; he turns back to face the housemates once more*
Santa: Oh, and Vyce?
Vyce: Yeah?
*in one hand, Santa held Vyce’s bazooka; in the other, a live grenade; he shoves the grenade into the bazooka’s barrel, tosses it high into the air, and watches it explode*
Santa: Don’t you EVER shoot at me again!
Vyce: o.0 …Got it…
Santa: Well, that’s my cue. Merry Christmas, ho-ho-ho, and all that noise.
Kaeion: H-Hey, wait! What happened to dropping me off in Mac Anu!? We had a deal, fat-ass!
Santa: Deal? I don’t remember any deal. I said I’d think about it.
Kaeion: Did you!?
Santa: Yeah.
Kaeion: AND?!?
Santa: Mmmm… Nah. This is funnier to me. Well, keep it real. I’m out. *pounds chest and throws up peace sign*
*with that, Santa Claus exits and the portal closes, leaving a speechless Kaeion with his jaw hanging open*
All: …
*Hayate enters from the rear*
Hayate: Okay… *gulp* I think I’m alright now… *gag* No, I’m not…! *barfs off-screen*
All: *sweatdrop*
Hanabi: …I’m going to bed.
Ciel: Same here.
Kaeion: *falls to knees* WHAT WAS THE MORAL IN ALL THIS?!?
*the housemates return to their respective homes, noticing a few changes as they do so*
Gilgamesh: Hey, who put the door back up?
Neon: …It’s locked.
*a rock suddenly shatters an adjacent window*
Kaga: …Nice.
*the boys enter the living room…*
All: HOLY CRAP!
*…and find it beautifully decked with Christmas decorations; in the corner was a tall tree, and underneath was a multitude of presents*
Kyuzo: Sweetness! I call first!
All: …
*not quick to forget Kyuzo’s transgressions this evening, the boys lock him outside*
Kyuzo: Oh, you c.ockbags!
*as the housemates exchange gifts, Kaeion converses angrily with Haseo over a video terminal*
Kaeion: How many times do I have to repeat myself!? PHI SERVER!!!
Haseo: I’m telling you, Kaeion, I haven’t heard of it! The World doesn’t operate on such a server, and it never has!
Kaeion: But what about the game-wide Christmas event!? It went into effect just minutes ago!
Haseo: *typing keys on panel* …Yes, the system did detect data being sent across the game’s servers from an outside source, but I can’t pinpoint it.
Kaeion: THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!! I’VE BEEN THERE!!! I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES!!! THERE WERE ELVES AND EVERYTHING!!!
Haseo: Kaeion, perhaps you’re overstressed. I realize being trapped in a game for so long can be taxing on the mind, but--
Kaeion: Oh, no! No, no, no! Don’t give me that shit! I’m not crazy, Haseo! Kyuzo, Vyce, Jack, Hanabi, Ren, Gwen -- they were all there with me! They can vouch for me! *pulls Kyuzo alongside* Go ahead, Kyuzo! Tell him!
Kyuzo: …I have no idea what he’s talking about.
Kaeion: WHAT?!?
Haseo: Take my advice, Kaeion. Get some sleep. *beep*
Kaeion: *turns to Kyuzo* …You realize, of course, I have to kill you now.
Kyuzo: Still worth it. Hehehehe… Heh… Uh… *runs away*
*as Kaeion chases Kyuzo across the city, Santa Claus flies overhead in his sleigh*
Santa: HO-HO-HO!!!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
*from the rooftop, Vyce watches as Santa’s silhouette is cast upon the moon*
Vyce: *menacingly* You win this round, fat man… Round 3 is next year…
