.hax//WTF 2.0, Episode 17

[Hayate]

.hax//WTF 2.0

*in the boys’ living room, Kaga is seen gazing into a crystal ball while the rest of the boys watch CSI: Miami*

Police Officer: The rifle next to the body suggests he was out hunting. Judging by the exit wound on his chest, the shot must’ve come from behind.

Horatio Caine: Guess the hunter… *puts on sunglasses* …became the hunted.

Vyce: …I just died a little inside…

Ciel: The writers are really reaching this season.

Kyuzo: Gawd, I just wanna beat Caine’s ass to death with a nail-bat!

Gilgamesh: Kyuzo, you wanna beat everyone’s ass to death with a nail-bat.

Kyuzo: Shut up or I’ll sodomize you with a nail-bat.

Kaeion: …Kill me…

Kaga: Hey, guys, check this out! I’ve been working on my fortunetelling, and I think I can see even farther into the future than before!

Jack: Can you see into the girls’ bathroom with that thing?

All: …

Jack: …What!? I live in a house with 8 other guys; I have needs!

Neon: …I can respect that.

Hayate: What are you seeing, Kaga?

Kaeion: Is it a way out of this hellhole…?

Kaga: I think I’m seeing Mac Anu, but…it looks different. You guys wanna look?

Vyce: *shrug* Why not? Nothing good’s on TV anyway.

Kaga: Alright then! *holds hands out* Hear me, crystal ball! Show us what the future holds!

Ciel: *cough* Emomancer… *cough*

Kaga: I HEARD THAT!!!

Episode 17: Future Shock[/b]

[NOTE: Cast of characters does not reflect actual lineup of PCs to be used in R:X. Portrayals of R:X characters are exaggerated. Highly exaggerated.]

*Fate logs into The World and enters Mac Anu*

Fate: Let’s see… What should I do today?

: Excuse me. I’m kinda new to this game, and was wondering if you could teach me a few pointers.

Fate: Heh! Of course! *turns around* I’d be happy to-- *gasp*

*when Fate turns to face the other player, she comes face-to-face with Ratchet*

Fate: …

Ratchet: …Hi.

Fate: AAAHHH!!! TALKING CAT!!!

*Fate takes out her weapon, strikes Ratchet on the head several times, and runs away*

Fate: STAY AWAY, SPAWN OF SATAN!!!

Ratchet: *dizzily* …What just happened…?

~*~*~*~*~

*Yoko, Shun, and Hira stroll through a Dungeon-type area*

Shun: Weird… Three floors, and still no monsters…

Hira: Maybe Yoko’s huge rack scared them all away.

Yoko: Don’t start with me, “A-cup”!

Hira: Jeez, doesn’t take a lot to get under your skin, does it? No wonder Shun likes me more than you!

Yoko: YOU LIKE THAT FACE YOU’RE WEARING, YOU SKANK?!?

Shun: Enough!

Yoko/Hira: …

Shun: …I’m gonna scout ahead. You two stay here and cool off. *walks away*

Hira: …Hmph. Keep it up, Yoko, and he’ll drop you like a dead weight.

Yoko: Keep it up yourself and you’ll have to a buy a wig for your PC body after I feed you your own hair.

Shun: GAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Yoko: *gasp*

Hira: Shun!

*Yoko and Hira rush into the next chamber and find a dead Shun on the ground*

Shun: *through headset mic* Yeah, so the monsters decided to sneak up on me when I wasn’t looking…

Hira: …Nice going, Yoko.

Yoko: OH, IT IS ON, BITCH!

*Yoko tackles Hira to the ground, and the two claw at each other furiously*

Yoko: YOUR MOM WEARS A HAIRPIECE!!!

Hira: YOUR DAD MOLESTS LITTLE BOYS!!!

Shun: …Note to self: Delete Yoko and Hira’s Member Addresses…

~*~*~*~*~

*Monkey D. Luffy stands in front of an in-game dojo in Terra Magnus*

Luffy: Alright, Master Gouken… Today’s the day I receive training from you!

(1): SHORYUKEN!!!

Luffy: …Huh?

*just then, a figure flies out through the dojo’s roof…*

(2): GODDAMMIT!!!!!

*…and lands at Luffy’s feet*

Luffy: …

Cyan: …‘Sup?

Luffy: …Hey. Gouken in there?

Cyan: I just got Shoryuken’d through a roof; what do you think?

*Luffy enters the dojo and finds Gouken kneeling on a mat in the center of the floor*

Gouken: …Back again, eh?

Luffy: Yup! And this time’s gonna be different!

Gouken: …We’ll see. *stands up* It doesn’t matter how many times you try. I won’t take on someone as undisciplined as you as my student.

Luffy: I’ll show you undisciplined!

*Luffy motions a punching movement toward Gouken, and his arm stretches across the dojo; just before Luffy’s fist makes contact, Gouken catches his wrist in his hand*

Luffy: Oh, yeah!?

*Luffy motions a second punching movement with his free hand; again, Gouken catches his wrist; with both of his hands caught, Luffy allows the rest of his body to fly at Gouken with intent to headbutt*

Luffy: GUM-GUM--

*before Luffy could complete his attack, Gouken leaps off the floor and dropkicks Luffy into the wall*

Luffy: Agh! Right in the f**king nose!

Gouken: Okay, we done for today?

Luffy: Hell no! I’m gonna land a hit on you if it kills me!

Gouken: (It most likely will…)

*Gouken shoots a series of fireballs at Luffy, while Luffy -- with his body in the shape of a wheel -- rolls along the outer dojo floor to evade; before long, he ends up at Gouken’s rear; with a leap, Luffy jumps at Gouken and wraps his upper body tightly with his stretchy arms*

Luffy: Hahaha! Gotcha now! Just try throwing your fireballs at me!

Gouken: …

*suddenly, black smoke starts to fill the dojo*

Luffy: …Hmm? Hey, what’s burning?

*just then, Luffy’s PC body is set ablaze, and he starts circling the dojo crazily*

Luffy: AAAHHH!!! I’M ON FIRE!!! WHY?!?

*once the fire goes out, Gouken reaches out and picks Luffy up by his vest*

Luffy: Why couldn’t you have been one of those old guys who prey on attractive teenage girls!?

Gouken: You’ve been watching too much anime. Now then…

*meanwhile, outside the dojo…*

Cyan: …

: SHORYUKEN!!!

*through a second hole in the roof, Luffy flies out of the dojo and crash-lands next to Cyan*

Cyan: …How’d it go?

Luffy: Shut up.

~*~*~*~*~

*in a grassy Field-type area, Fate finishes off a group of monsters with her magic*

Fate: *sigh* There. Time to head back to the Quest Shop.

: HAHAHAHA! That was quite impressive, little missy!

Fate: …

*as Fate turns around, she sees a large, well-built PC towering over her*

Fate: o.0 …Are you God…?

Kamina: No, but I like to think I am! I watched you take out those monsters, and I gotta say I’m impressed by your skills!

Fate: Um… Thank you?

Kamina: The name’s Kamina! I’m putting together a guild, and I want YOU to join!

Fate: U-Uh… I appreciate the offer, but I’m not--

Kamina: Don’t be shy now! Come on!

Fate: B-But I don’t want to--

Kamina: JOIN MY GUILD!!!

Fate: AAAAHHHH! DON’T EAT ME! *runs away*

*Kamina proceeds to chase Fate up and down the Field while Ratchet watches*

Kamina: YOU WILL JOIN MY GUILD!!!

Fate: GO AWAY!!!

Ratchet: *sweatdrop* …This game is weird…

~*~*~*~*~

*a pair of players is seen arguing in Mac Anu, while a third player stands aside with her arms crossed*

Laharl: Disgaea!

Zetta: Makai Kingdom!

Laharl: DISGAEA!!!

Zetta: MAKAI KINGDOM!!!

Laharl: DISGAEA!!!!!

Zetta: MAKAI F**KING KINGDOM!!!!!

Skye: …I’m getting a migraine…

*before long, a fourth player enters*

Squall: …They at it again?

Skye: Yup.

Laharl: Disgaea’s better ‘cuz it’s got better characters, awesome gameplay, and it’s freakin’ hilarious! The only thing Makai Kingdom’s got going for it is the main character! Other than that, it’s a Disgaea rip-off!

Zetta: WRONG! Makai Kingdom took everything good about Disgaea and improved upon it! And Zetta’s manlier and more badass than Laharl could ever be!

Laharl: Brainless thug!

Zetta: Shotacon bait!

*with that, a fistfight breaks out between Laharl and Zetta*

Skye: Ugh… I need an aspirin…

Squall: I don’t see what the big deal is. I played Disgaea AND Makai Kingdom. They both suck.

Skye: !!!

*at that moment, Laharl and Zetta stop fighting and look over at Squall*

Laharl: …What did…

Zetta: …you say…?

Squall: …

Skye: …You should start running now.

*Squall takes off further into the city, and Laharl and Zetta give chase*

Laharl/Zetta: GET BACK HERE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Squall: Why do I hang out with you psychopaths?!?

Skye: *sigh*

~*~*~*~*~

*a blond, rugged-looking PC chats up a pair of female players*

Malik: Hey there. Name’s Malik. What say you and I take on a couple Quests together?

Girl 1: Eww! No way! *walks away*

Girl 2: Step off, old man! *walks away*

Malik: *eye twitches* Well, next time, how’s about making a PC body that matches your age!?

*stepping off to the side, Malik leans against a wall while players pass by*

Malik: *groan*

: Long day?

*looking over to his left, Malik makes eye contact with Frederic*

Malik: Heh. Tell me about it. I dunno what goes on in girls’ heads these days. All the teens make adult PCs, and all the grown women make PCs that look no older than 18.

Frederic: The freedom of an online game.

Malik: Ain’t that the truth…

*just then, the two are approached by Seer and Saeko*

Seer: Pardon me, sirs. A moment of your time?

Malik: Hmm?

Saeko: You two look pretty experienced. We need help with a Quest. We really only need one of you, but you can both come if you want. I don’t really care.

Malik: (…Well, they seem like teenagers…)

Frederic: Heh. While it isn’t in my nature to deny help to those in need of it, I don’t think it’d be proper for grown men like us to associate with attractive young girls such as yourselves. People might get the wrong idea. Right? …Hmm?

*turning his attention forward, Frederic sees Malik walk off with his hands around Saeko and Seer*

Malik: See ya ‘round, “Top Hat”! Hahaha!

Frederic: o.0

~*~*~*~*~

*Kamina continues his pursuit of Fate in Elyon Sadb*

Kamina: Yoo-hoo! Little missy! Where’d you disappear to?

*Fate is seen hiding in an alleyway*

Fate: *panting* I should be safe here…

: You hiding from Kamina too?

Fate: Aah! Don’t eat me!

: Shhh! Relax!

Fate: H-Huh?

*calming down, Fate finds herself sharing a hiding spot with Vayne*

Vayne: Heh. Yeah, I remember when Kamina first scouted me out too. It got to the point where I couldn’t play the game for longer than 5 minutes without him sprinting at me from behind.

Fate: So…what do you do about it?

Vayne: What do you think I do about it!? I HIDE!

Fate: Eeeep!

Kamina: Hmmm… Haven’t looked over here yet…

Fate: Crap! He’s coming this way! He’s sure to find us!

Vayne: What do we do!?

Fate: …

*just then, Fate gets behind Vayne…*

Vayne: H-Hey, what are you…!? Gah!

*…and kicks him into the open; Kamina immediately spots him*

Kamina: Huh? Hey, Vayne! Fancy meeting you here!

Vayne: (Shit!) Hey, “Blondie”, what’s the deal?!?

*looking back into the alleyway, Vayne sees Fate fleeing toward the other end of the alley, away from him and Kamina*

Vayne: OH, THAT BITCH!

Kamina: Have you reconsidered my offer to join my guild?

Vayne: No! Stay away! SANCTUARY!!!

~*~*~*~*~

*Chibi-Usa gates into Mac Anu with Terra*

Terra: Wooooow…! It’s even bigger than I imagined…!

Random PC: *from off-screen* That’s what she said!

Chibi-Usa: Get lost before I make you eat your boots, you little crap stain!

Random PC: Random PC out! Peace!

Chibi-Usa: Moving along… It may look impressive now, Terra, but just wait until we go in the Field.

Terra: Thanks again for teaching me how to play, Usa-neechan.

Chibi-Usa: Hehe. My pleasure. So, ready to go?

Terra: Yeah! Let’s have some fun!

Random PC: *from off-screen* That’s what she--

Chibi-Usa: WHAT’D I JUST SAY?!?

*before long, Chibi-Usa and Terra relocate to a Field-type area*

Chibi-Usa: Okay, Terra. Your main weapon is a sword, but I also gave you a few low-level spells to play with, okay? Now show me what you got.

Terra: Right!

*on a trio of Level 1 monsters, Terra uses a combination of fire, lightning, and swordsmanship to quickly eradicate them*

Chibi-Usa: Nice job, Terra!

Terra: Yay! I did it!

*as she throws her arms up, Terra accidentally casts a lightning spell on Chibi-Usa*

Chibi-Usa: GAH!!!

Terra: *gasp* Usa-neechan, I’m sorry!

Chibi-Usa: *cough* That’s okay… We’re here to learn…

*a couple of hours later, Chibi-Usa gates into Mac Anu*

Chibi-Usa: Guess I’ll go see how Terra’s doing… W-What the hell!?

*Chibi-Usa finds nearly half of the city reduced to cinders*

PC 1: Run away!

PC 2: She’s mad, I tell you! MAD!

*Terra suddenly runs out into the open chasing a random PC*

Terra: I’LL TEACH YOU TO LOOK UP MY SKIRT!!!

PC: But I didn’t do anything!

Terra: THUNDER!!!

PC: Gah!

Chibi-Usa: …The admins are SO gonna torch my ass for this…

~*~*~*~*~

*in a Field-type area, Hayate is seen talking to himself (seemingly)*

Hayate: When I picked up this game for the first time, I was targeted by a Player Killer… It’s because of Player Killers that I established the Glaive LeGable guild… Together with Izumi, I dedicated a portion of my time in The World to hunting down PKers and making The World safe for players old and new… Even now, over 10 years later…that ambition still burns within me… I swear on my blade to--

: Hey, “PK-hater”, if you’re done talking to yourself, I’d like to get this over with!

Hayate: *eye twitches* …Oh, you’re gonna get yours today, bitch.

*across from Hayate is a Player Killer with a scythe*

Sizer: So…ready to try again, “Ice Boy”? You’re 0-for-19 so far; wanna make it an even 20?

Hayate: Trust me, pink-hair, you won’t be so lucky this time!

*Hayate draws his sword and thrusts it into the ground, causing a stream of ice to travel along the ground toward Sizer; to avoid being frozen, Sizer leaps into the air; Hayate then swings his sword in an arc in front of him, sending projectiles of ice at Sizer; Sizer spins her scythe to shatter them on impact*

Sizer: Try something new for once, skinny!

*Hayate swings his sword in a vertical arc several times, sending a series of arcs of ice up at Sizer; these do nothing to Sizer, but they freeze her scythe in a layer of frost; once Sizer lands behind Hayate, a clash of weapons begins between the two; before long, cracks begin to appear along the blade of Sizer’s scythe*

Sizer: Tch!

*before her weapon completely breaks, Sizer backs away*

Hayate: What’s the matter? You’re not giving up already, are you?

Sizer: Hmph! You wish!

*with a forceful swing, Sizer drives her scythe into the ground and creates a fissure in the ground; the fissure knocks Hayate off balance, allowing Sizer to swoop in*

Sizer: Gotcha now!

Hayate: Grrrr… Think again!

*Hayate pours as much ice out of his blade as possible to conceal his position*

Sizer: Oh, real original!

*Sizer uses her scythe to blow away the snow and glances around for Hayate*

Sizer: …

*moving almost silent along the grass, Hayate moves in from the rear, but just before the edge of his blade meets Sizer’s neck, it meets her scythe instead, and another clash of weapons ensues*

Hayate: You’re starting to slip up…!

Sizer: Bite my pink, supple ass!

*eventually, Sizer’s ice-covered weapon reaches its limit, and it shatters in her hands*

Sizer: *gasp*

*as the fragments of Sizer’s former scythe fall to the ground, he points his blade at her neck*

Sizer: …

Hayate: …That makes it 1-for-19.

Sizer: Heh. Think so?

*just then, Sizer’s PC body appears to fade away*

Hayate: *gasp* No! Not again!

*Hayate looks back toward the transporter and sees Sizer preparing to gate out*

Sizer: Sorry, “Ice Boy”! You know what they say: He who fights and runs away lives to KICK ASS another day! Better luck next time!

*after blowing Hayate a pretentious kiss, Sizer gates out of the Field; in anger, Hayate throws his sword on the ground*

Hayate: Every time with that move! EVERY DAMN TIME! I come this close to making that bitch beg for mercy, and she slips away! Well, no more! Before I draw my last breath on this Earth, I will see Sizer and every last PKer in this game driven out of The World forever! *falls to knees* THIS I SWEAR!!!!!

PC: …

Hayate: …THE F**K ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!?

~*~*~*~*~

*Kamina continues to chase Fate through Mac Anu*

Kamina: C’mon! Joining my guild ain’t gonna kill you!

Fate: JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!

*just then, Fate runs into the chest of a beautiful blonde PC*

Pirouette: …Enjoying yourself there, girl?

Fate: Aah! *backs away* I-I’m sorry!

Kamina: *panting* Damn, girl, you sure can run! …Huh?

Pirouette: Hello, Kamina. I see you’re still harassing players everywhere you go.

Kamina: Oh… It’s you… Come to steal another one from me, have you?

Pirouette: “Steal”? More like “save”.

Fate: *hides behind Pirouette* I said I don’t wanna join your guild! So just go away!

Pirouette: Hahaha! See? Another one for your “anti-fan club”!

Kamina: Oh, go to hell, Pirou!

Pirouette: *turns to face Fate* Listen… I can get Kamina here off your back if you do something for me…

Fate: Anything! Just name it!

Pirouette: Hehehe… Join MY guild!

Fate: *blinks* …Huh?

*thus, another chase ensues, except Fate is now being chased by both Kamina and Pirouette*

Kamina: JOIN MY GUILD!!!

Pirouette: NO, JOIN MINE!!! HIS GUILD SUCKS!!!

Kamina: SAYS YOU!!!

Fate: WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!?!?

~*~*~*~*~

*back at the house…*

Kaga: …Hmm? The image is gone. Guess that’s all it can show us.

All: o.0

Kaga: …What?

Gilgamesh: What the f**k was that!? Is everyone in the future on heroin?!?

Kyuzo: I’m on heroin right now, and not even I’M that deranged!

Vyce: Damn… Chibi-Usa turns out kinda hot.

Jack: I wanna see more of that redhead with the rifle.

Hayate: What the hell!? I turn into a PK-hunting lunatic!

Neon: And where am I!? Am I dead or something!?

Kaga: Uh… Nope. Apparently you spend most of your time on a dating website.

Neon: …I MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD!!!

Kaeion: Okay, fun’s over. Maybe now you can use that thing for something useful, like finding a way out of here!

Kaga: …Kaeion, fortunetelling doesn’t work like that. The events I view with it might happen, but it’s possible that they won’t. Besides, we saw Hayate and Chibi-Usa; isn’t that proof enough that we might one day escape this place?

Kaeion: So what you’re saying is we MIGHT get out of here, but we also might NOT?

Kaga: Exactly.

Kaeion: …

*Kaeion takes Kaga’s crystal ball and shatters it on his head*

Kaga: AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!! GLASS IN MY EYES!!!!