.hax//WTF 2.0 Halloween Special

[Hayate]

.hax//WTF 2.0

A WTF Halloween

*on the night before Halloween, Ciel looks out his window depressed*

Ciel: *sigh* It’s almost Halloween… And instead of going out to get bucketfuls of candy, I’m stuck in this stupid game with even stupider people…

*outside the room, a dinner plate is heard shattering*

Vyce: Get away from me! I said I was sorry!

Gilgamesh: “Sorry” won’t save you now, you son of a bitch! That was MY last piece of cheesecake!

Ciel: *sweatdrop* I hate it here…

*Kyuzo pokes his head inside the room*

Kyuzo: Yo, “cross-dresser”! You got a sec? *gets hit in the head with a trashcan* OW! W-T-F, mate!?

Ciel: Dammit, Kyuzo, even after getting a new PC body, still with the damn girl jokes!?

Kyuzo: Your new body can’t change what you are on the inside! Now, if you’re done having your period, meet me downstairs! *leaves*

Ciel: *eye twitches* I REALLY hate it here…

*a short while later, Kyuzo, Kaga, Jack, Shirou, and Ciel meet up in the kitchen*

Shirou: Okay, Kyuzo, everyone’s here. So what’s this about?

Kyuzo: As you know, tomorrow’s Halloween.

Ciel: …Don’t remind me…

Kyuzo: And everyone knows it just wouldn’t be Halloween if someone wasn’t scared so badly that they crapped their pants. So, with some help from the girls next door AND a little “emomancer” magic--

Kaga: Quit it.

Kyuzo: --we’re gonna turn the houses…into haunted houses!

Jack: *holds flashlight up to his chin* BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

All: …

Jack: …What?

Shirou: Hehehe… It would be pretty awesome to scare the pants off Saber. It’s time someone knocked her down a peg or two.

Ciel: …Will anyone be killed…?

Kyuzo: I dunno. Maybe.

Ciel: …I’m in.

Kyuzo: Sweet! As soon as everyone’s asleep, we’ll get to work!

Jack: *holds flashlight up to his chin* BWAHAHAHA-- *gets slapped* OW!

Kyuzo: Save it for later, “Jack-ass”!

*hours later, after everyone in both houses had fallen asleep, Kyuzo and Kaga sneak outside*

Kyuzo: Okay! Right here’s good! Get to it, “emomancer”!

Kaga: Quit it!

*kneeling onto the ground, Kaga conjures a magic that silently distorts the space around the two houses*

Kyuzo: Hahaha! This shall be the greatest Halloween of all time! *holds flashlight up to his chin* BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Jack: *from second floor window* Oh, so when you do it, it’s scary, but when I do it, it’s stupid, huh!?

Kyuzo: DAMMIT, JACK, SHUT THE F**K UP AND GO TO SLEEP!!!

*the next morning -- Halloween morning -- Hayate is seen sleeping soundly in his bed; as he stirs awake, he looks up at his ceiling*

Hayate: …Hmm…? …!!!

*he notices a pendulum blade dangling directly above him; as Hayate adjusts his eyes, the blade falls*

Hayate: HOLY SHIT!!!

*Hayate leaps off the bed just as the blade chops the bed in half*

Hayate: What in Sylar’s name was THAT?!?

*just then, several screams echo throughout the house; Hayate bolts out of the room and finds Ren, Gwen, and Kyoko down the hallway*

Hayate: What happened!?

Ren: We were just attacked in our sleep by a bunch of bats!

Kyoko: Is there a bat in my hair!? It feels like there’s a bat in my hair! Is there a f**king bat in my hair?!?

Gwen: Kyoko! For the last time, there isn’t a bat in your hair!

Kyoko: Are you sure!? Check again!

Gwen: I CHECKED!!!

Hayate: …

Ren: …

Gwen: …

Kyoko: …

All: Hey!!! What are you doing in our house?!?

Hayate: Your house!? This is our house!

*Gilgamesh pokes his head out through his bedroom door*

Gilgamesh: HEY!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT TIME IT IS?!? SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP?!?

Girls: …

Gilgamesh: …Is there some orgy going on that I don’t know about?

Girls: *sweatdrop*

Hayate: Okay, something really weird’s going on! Get everyone together and meet me downstairs!

Gilgamesh: You still haven’t answered my question -- Are we or are we NOT having an orgy?

Hayate: NOW, GILGAMESH!!!!!

Gilgamesh: Gawd, fine! …Asshole…

*during the minutes that followed, Hayate, Neon, Vyce, Gilgamesh, Nue, Saber, Ren, Gwen, Maryn, Kyoko, and Briar Rose gather in the living room*

Rose: Y’all had better have a damn good reason for waking me up at the freakin’ crack of dawn.

Vyce: Rose, hasn’t it occurred to you why the guys and girls all wound up in the same house this morning?

Rose: Buddy, I don’t do my deep thinking until AFTER I’ve had waffles.

Maryn: Anyone else feel like something’s…off?

Neon: …Where are Kyuzo, Jack, Kaga, Ciel, and Shirou?

Ren: Usa-chan, Hanabi, Ayliori, Miharu, and Paris are gone too.

Nue: …Maybe something ate them.

All: …

Nue: …What? It’s possible.

*just then, Kyuzo’s voice is heard echoing through the house*

Kyuzo: Morning, kiddies. Did ya sleep well?

Saber: What are you up to now, Kyuzo?

Kyuzo: Oh, just thought I’d herald in this year’s Halloween with a little trick…or treat! Hahaha! See what I did there?

Gwen: Kyuzo, were you the one who put bats in our room!?

Hayate: And tried to slice me in half!?

Kyuzo: That was only a taste of what’s to come, darlings. For the next 15 hours, you’re all gonna be players in a little game of ours. I call it…“Kyuzo’s House of Pain”!

Vyce: “Ours”? Who else is in on this!?

Kyuzo: Just a few boys and girls who want a piece of the fun. And believe me, there’ll be plenty of fun to have.

Jack: Is it my turn yet? I wanna say hi to the others!

Kyuzo: Step off, fool!

Jack: HI, GUYS! IT’S ME, JACK! Ooh… Echo…

Kyuzo: I SAID, STEP OFF!!!

All: …

Nue: Ooooooooookay… I’ll just be going now. *walks towards the door* Wish I could say it’s been fun, but it hasn’t. Y’all have fun with your little game, and I’ll catch ya on the flip SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE!!!!!!!

*as Nue exits through the front door, he plummets into the bottomless abyss; the entire house appeared to be floating in a vast pocket of black space*

Kyuzo: Tsk-tsk-tsk… Oh, Nue, that poor sumbitch. If only he’d waited for me to mention that until this game is over…no one is allowed to leave.

Neon: …Oh, my God…

Vyce: I know… That was the longest sentence I’ve ever heard Nue say.

Neon: …

Vyce: …Well, it was!

Hayate: *groan* Alright, Kyuzo, you win. We’ll play your stupid game. What do we have to do?

*silence*

Hayate: …Kyuzo?

*still silence*

Hayate: …KYUZO!!!!!

: C’mon! Give it here!

Kyuzo: Aah! Let go, bitch! You’re gonna break it!

All: … *sweatdrop*

*meanwhile, in a control room somewhere, Kyuzo fights with Hanabi over control of the microphone*

Hanabi: C’mon, Kyuzo, I want a turn!

Kyuzo: Hell no! This is my game, and I call the shots!

Hanabi: You’re such a glory hog! You should be happy I’m even helping you!

Kyuzo: You should be happy I’m LETTING you help! Now let go of the damn mic!

*eventually, Kyuzo assumes control and swats Hanabi away*

Kyuzo: Booyaka! Never mess with the K-dawg, beyotch!

Shirou: …Uh, Kyuzo? *points to control panel*

Kyuzo: …Oh, hell, is this thing still on…!?

*back in the house, the housemates wait for something to happen*

Gilgamesh: As soon as this is over, I’m breaking Kyuzo’s arms.

Ren: I’m breaking his legs.

Kyoko: I’m breaking his…h-his…FACE! Yeah! His face!

Kyuzo: *ahem* A-As I was saying…this game isn’t over until the stroke of midnight. So let’s try to have fun, hmm? The rules are simple: Just follow our instructions and complete the tasks you’re given within the time limit. But keep your wits about you. During the game, my “agents of horror” will try to thwart you at every turn. Your first mission will be issued in a few minutes. Best of luck, kids!

Rose: W-Wait a minute! What happens when we don’t complete the task before time runs out?

Kyuzo: Hmm… Hadn’t thought about that. I dunno, I guess I’ll…kill one of you. Yeah, that’ll work.

All: … *glares at Rose*

Rose: …What!? Just thought I’d ask.

Maryn: All in favor of killing Rose off first?

Rose: HEY!

~ GAME 1 ~

Chibi-Usa: Hi, guys!

Neon: Usa-chan! You’re actually going along with Kyuzo’s stupid game!?

Chibi-Usa: I thought it’d be fun! Besides, you guys always piss me off, and I thought this would make awesome payback!

Miharu: And she’s not alone!

Ayliori: How’s it going, victims-to-be? Hahaha!

Neon: *collapses to knees* EVERYTHING I LOVE TURNS AGAINST ME!!!

Saber: You can have your one-man soap opera later, Neon! Alright, girls! What’s the first game?

Miharu: In the far corner of the living room, you’ll notice a door with three padlocks on it. One key goes to each lock.

Ayliori: The objective of the game is to find the three keys and unlock the door.

Chibi-Usa: There’s one key on the upper floor of the house, one in the basement, and one on the roof.

Miharu: You have three hours.

Vyce: Three hours to find a bunch of keys? Pssssh! That’s easy!

Girls: Oh, really…?

*just then, the architecture of the house twists and warps to form that of a giant mansion with blackened walls*

Hayate: …You just HAD to speak, didn’t you?

Vyce: Oh, get off my back, blondie!

Saber: Okay, here’s the plan! Hayate! You go with Gwen and Kyoko to get the basement key! Neon! You, Vyce, Maryn check the upper floor! And Gilgamesh! You’re with me, Ren, and Briar Rose! We’ll head up to the roof!

Gilgamesh: Who died and made you the boss!?

Saber: I still haven’t had my fully balanced breakfast, you piece of bat guano! SO DON’T GET ON MY BAD SIDE!

Gilgamesh: …Yes, ma’am…

Neon: …That was kinda hot…

*with that, the housemates split up into its designated teams; Hayate, Gwen, and Kyoko head down the stairs leading into the basement; when they reach the bottom of the stairs, they’re greeted by utter darkness*

Gwen: *sarcastically* Wow. Dark. Yeah, this is real scary.

*at that moment, something rushes past the group at blinding speed*

Gwen: W-What was that!?

Kyoko: GHOST!!!

Hayate: Gawd, I can’t see anything! I need a light!

*suddenly, a number of will-o’-wisps appear to illuminate the room with blue fire*

Hayate: *sigh* That’s better… o.0 …Aw, crap…

*meanwhile, on the second floor of the mansion, Neon, Vyce, and Maryn search for their key while warding off a large swarm of bats*

Neon: Gah! There’s so many of them! This isn’t scary; it’s just annoying as hell!

Vyce: Agh! Son of a…! Wish I had a f**king flamethrower!

*just then, a giant rush of water blows the swarm away*

Maryn: Heh! Piece of cake!

Vyce: …Or a “water-thrower”… That’ll work too…

Maryn: *gasp* Guys, look!

*looking ahead, the group encounters a Grim-Reaper-like figure, complete with cloak and scythe*

Grim Reaper: *high-pitched laughing*

*the Grim Reaper draws close to the group and pulls back its hood to reveal the face of Dr. Rockzo, the rock ‘n’ roll clown*

Dr. Rockzo: I DO COCAINE!!!

All: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

*meanwhile, as Saber, Gilgamesh, Ren, and Briar Rose arrive on the mansion rooftop, they’re met by a horde of zombies, who slowly make their way towards them*

Gilgamesh: Oh, perfect… No Halloween’s complete without a freakin’ zombie invasion…

Saber: *draws broadsword* Get ready!

*however, just before the mass of zombies pounce on the group, the zombie in the farthest front puts on a Michael Jackson-like hat and leads the rest of the zombified army in a dance similar to “Thriller”*

All: …

Rose: …Okay, that’s different…

*Ren suddenly starts moving her body in the exact same dance steps as the zombies*

Ren: Aah! W-What’s going on!?

*before long, Saber, Gilgamesh, and Briar Rose join in*

Saber: Can’t…control…bodily…movements…!

Gilgamesh: …I’m gonna kill those girls for this…

*meanwhile, back in the control room…*

All: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Shirou: Stop! Stop, I can’t breathe! Hahaha!

Miharu: Hahaha! This is fun! What should we do next? Drop them in ectoplasm? Send vampires in after them? Oh, I know! Let’s turn the house into the set of Alien vs. Predator!

Kyuzo: Hahaha. If scaring the crap out of them doesn’t work, humiliating them works just as good.

Chibi-Usa: Give it here, Miharu! It’s my turn!

Kyuzo: HEY! If that mic breaks, it’s coming out of your paycheck!

Ayliori: …You aren’t even paying us for this…

Kyuzo: Heh. Damn right I’m not.

*back in the mansion basement, an hour and a half after the start of the game, the numerous will-o’-wisps fly about the room, burning everything they touch*

Hayate: Grah! This is talking forever! Anyone got a damn fire extinguisher!?

*the high-speed figure that passed the group by earlier passes by yet again, this time emitting a sparkle*

Gwen: Hey! Anyone else just see that?

Kyoko: I can’t see anything! The flying balls of fire are a bit of a distraction!

Gwen: *groan* If you want something done right…

*drawing her lance, Gwen spins it around to blow the will-o’-wisps away and scatter them about the room; this illuminates the room to a degree and reveals the mysterious figure that was speeding about: a strange human-spider hybrid is seen crawling along the walls and ceiling; around its neck was a necklace made from the key they were searching for*

Hayate: The f**k is that thing?!?

*the creature opens its mouth and spews spider webbing onto the group*

Kyoko: Aah! There’s web in my hair! GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT!

Gwen: Vak Don!

*Gwen sends several fireballs the creature’s way, but it simply crawls rapidly out of their line of fire*

Gwen: Tch! Just great! Out of all the horror monsters in the world, we get the one that’s on crystal meth!

*meanwhile, on the second floor of the house, Neon, Vyce, and Maryn are still being chased by Dr. Rockzo the Grim Reaper*

Dr. Rockzo: KA-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA-YEAH!!!!!

Neon: How do we get this psycho off of us!?

Maryn: And we still need to find the key!

Dr. Rockzo: I DO COCAINE!!!

Vyce: …Wait! I’ve got an idea!

*suddenly stopping in his tracks, Vyce turns to Dr. Rockzo, who also stops*

Vyce: Hey, “Clown-Nose”, I got a deal for ya! You got a key on you?

Dr. Rockzo: Hmm… Maaaaaaaybe…

Vyce: How’s about a trade? Give me the key, and I’ll give you… *holds out Ziploc bag of cocaine* …this!

Dr. Rockzo: Ooh! Come to Daddy!

*taking a key out of his cloak, Dr. Rockzo trades it for Vyce’s bag of cocaine, and disappears afterward*

Vyce: Hah! Mission accomplished!

Maryn: …Do you, uh… Do you always carry a bag of coke around with you?

Vyce: I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM!

*upon obtaining their key, Neon’s group heads back to the living room*

Neon: Looks like we finished first.

Vyce: *sigh* How long has it been now?

Maryn: A little over 2 hours.

Neon: …Anyone else hear something? Sounds like…punching.

*just then, through the door leading into the basement, Gwen emerges while beating up the spider-like creature with her bare fists*

Gwen: Hyah! Hah! Take that, “Spider-freak”!

All: …

*once the creature passes out, Gwen tears away the key necklace from its neck*

Gwen: Yeah! That’s what ya get, bitch! WHOO! That felt good! …Hmm?

All: …

Gwen: …The f**k y’all lookin’ at?!?

Hayate: …Soooooooo…where are the others?

Maryn: I guess they’re still busy claiming the last key on the roof.

*Saber, Gilgamesh, Ren, and Briar Rose suddenly collapse down the stairs completely exhausted*

Ren: Can’t…move… So…tired…

Kyoko: Damn! The hell happened to you guys?

Saber: Two straight hours…of zombie dancing… Can’t feel my legs…

Gilgamesh: CAN’T FEEL YOUR LEGS?!? MINE ARE ON FIRE!!!

Neon: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Did you get the last key? *gets hit in the face with a key* Ow!

Rose: There’s your damn key, you f**king Nazi…!

*Hayate walks up to the locked door and unlocks it with the three keys; upon opening it, Chibi-Usa, Miharu, and Ayliori pop out*

Girls: CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Hayate: GAH!!! *falls over*

Ayliori: We congratulate you for beating our game!

Miharu: And a whole hour early too!

Hayate: …Okay, I think my heart just stopped…

Chibi-Usa: So what’d ya think? Did you enjoy our game?

All: … *draws weapons*

Girls: o.0

~ GAME 2 ~

*one hour later, with the house temporarily returned to normal, the housemates enjoy a complete breakfast; Chibi-Usa, Miharu, and Ayliori are seen passed out on the floor nearby*

Vyce: Thank God Kyuzo let us eat before the next game. I was about to die of hunger.

Gwen: *sarcastically* Yeah… Praise be to the great Kyuzo… *jabs fork in pancakes* That scum-sucking bastard… *continuously jabs fork into pancakes* Grah! Take that, Kyuzo, you son of a whore!

Ren: … *moves chair away from Gwen*

Kyoko: So…what do we do with those three?

Miharu: *dizzily* Make the world stop spinning, mommy…

Hayate: Leave ‘em. We’ll tar and feather their trifling asses later.

Rose: I want a piece of that action. Hehehe. …Hmm?

*looking down at her plate, Rose notices one of her waffles was gone and glares at Gilgamesh sitting next to her*

Rose: Did you take one of my waffles!?

Gilgamesh: … *with mouth full* …No.

*tackling Gilgamesh to the ground, Rose proceeds to beat the crap out of him*

Gilgamesh: Gah! Have mercy! Ow! That doesn’t bend that way!

*just then, the architecture of the house twists and warps to form that of the same mansion from before*

Neon: Aw, come on! I wasn’t finished eating yet!

Hanabi: You’ll have plenty of time to eat later, boys and girls. It’s game time!

Paris: Oui-oui!

Gwen: We’re not in the mood for sex jokes, Frenchy! Just give us the next game already!

Paris: …Ignoring that… This next game is a simple game of trivia to test your knowledge of classic horror movies.

Maryn: …H-Horror…movies…?

Hanabi: There are 10 rooms on the first and second floors -- one for each of you. Inside each room is the main character or setting of a horror movie. All you have to do is correctly identify the movie before you die a horrible, agonizing death. Doesn’t that sound like fun?

All: …

Paris: We’ll even make the room doors see-through, so the rest of you can watch the carnage inside!

Hanabi: Each room must be challenged one at a time. You have two hours to complete the game.

Paris: And be sure to keep an eye out for Kyuzo’s “agents of horror”. Have fun now!

Saber: *sigh* Let’s get this over with…

Maryn: … *gulp*

*the 10-man party proceeds down a first-floor corridor and comes across the first room; a sign on the room door reads “Neon”*

Neon: Looks like I’m up first.

Gilgamesh: Try not to blow it, lady-killer. *gets hit in the head with a china plate*

Rose: Shut it, waffle stealer!

*as Neon heads inside the room, the door shuts closed behind him*

Neon: Okay… “Horror movie”… Think “horror movie”…

*out of the darkness emerges a figure wearing a brown fedora, a striped red-and-green sweater, and a glove adorned with sharp blades: Freddy Krueger*

Krueger: Hehehe…

Neon: …Ooh! Ooh! I know this one!

*Freddy shoots forward to attack Neon, but just before he could…*

Neon: “Nightmare on Elm Street”!

*…a confirmation bell sounds, Freddy vanishes, and the door unlocks; Neon walks out and regroups with the others*

Neon: Heh! That was an easy one!

Kyoko: LAME!!! I wanted to see some blood!

Hayate: Careful, or it just might be your blood we see…

*further down the hallway, the party arrives at the second room, labeled “Gwen”*

Gwen: Okay! Let’s do it to it!

*Gwen heads inside the room, and the door shuts closed behind her; out of the darkness emerges a figure wearing a mask made of human flesh: Leatherface; he raises a chainsaw above him, ready to slice Gwen in two*

Gwen: Oh, please! Another easy one! But I’ll play along! C’mon, ugly, I’ll give you one freebie! Gimme your best shot!

*Leatherface quickly hobbles forward and brings his chainsaw down upon her*

Gwen: Heh!

*Gwen nimbly dodges the attack and swerves to Leatherface’s back, poking at him with her finger*

Gwen: Aw, c’mon! You can do better than that!

*just then, spinning around, Leatherface swings his chainsaw at Gwen horizontally, which Gwen flips back through the air to avoid*

Gwen: Oh, this is too easy! I’m not even breaking a sweat!

*as soon as Gwen lands on the ground, Leatherface unexpectedly lunges at her*

Gwen: *gasp*

*Leatherface thrusts his chainsaw forward, and Gwen leaps over the attack*

Gwen: Okay, okay! “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”! Jeez!

*with that, a confirmation bell sounds, Leatherface vanishes, and the door unlocks; Gwen walks out and regroups with the others*

Gwen: Tch! Bastard was quicker than I thought!

*the party’s attention is then grabbed by sounds of growling; from the side, they’re approached by a large horde of vicious human-like creatures whose mouths dripped with blood (the Infected from “28 Days Later”)*

Vyce: Ewww…

Saber: Kyuzo’s “agents of horror”, no doubt. *draws broadsword* Let’s make this quick.

Kyoko: Yeah! *draws chakrams* Time to party, you Rage-virus wastoids!

Gilgamesh: Hayate, tell your bottom bitch to rein it in, would you?

Hayate: SHE AIN’T MY BOTTOM BITCH!

*meanwhile, in the control room…*

Kaga: They’re doing pretty good so far, huh?

Kyuzo: Well, of course. I never intended for the games to be hard -- just fun.

Jack: Is it my turn yet!?

Ciel: You know they’re gonna kill you when this is all over.

Kyuzo: I cannot be killed! I’m indestructible! Hahaha!

Ciel: *sweatdrop* …Uh-huh…

Jack: Hey! Hey, Kyuzo! Is it my turn yet!?

Kyuzo: ARGH!!! I swear to God, Jack, if you don’t shut the f**k up, I’m gonna tear your f**king lips off!

Jack: … *slowly backs away*

*over the course of the next hour or so, the party continues to breeze through the trivia rooms; by the end of the first hour, Neon, Gwen, Saber, Gilgamesh, and Ren had completed their parts; after finishing her part, Briar Rose exits the sixth room*

Rose: “The Exorcist”… *shudder* …I always hated that movie.

Saber: And with this, we’re a little over halfway done. Though we’d better move faster; the rooms seem to get harder the further we go.

Ren: I know, right!? It took me forever to get “Dawn of the Dead”! I was nearly zombie chow!

*as the party continues, the game takes them up to the second floor, and the first second-floor room was for Maryn*

Maryn: *gulp*

Kyoko: WHOO! Go, Maryn! It’s all you, girl!

Maryn: …

Vyce: …Well, what are you waiting for? Hop to it!

Maryn: …I…have a confession to make. I don’t know that many horror flicks. Only one I’ve ever seen was “Blair Witch”. After that, I’d sworn off scary movies.

All: …

Maryn: …What?

Rose: You choose NOW to bring that up?!?

Gilgamesh: Well, guess that’s it then. Nice knowing ya, “blue”.

Maryn: NOT FUNNY, GILGAMESH!

Hayate: Maryn. Relax. You’ll be fine.

Maryn: …You’re just saying that ‘cuz it’s not your turn yet.

Hayate: Damn straight!

Maryn: … *sigh* Okay… I’m going in…

*Maryn enters the room, and the door shuts closed behind her*

Ren: …She’s dead, isn’t she?

Saber: Oh, yeah.

*as Maryn adjusts to the darkness of the room, she slowly inhales and exhales*

Maryn: …Okay! I can do this!

*at that moment, out of the darkness emerges a figure wearing a hockey mask and brandishing a bloody machete: Jason Voorhees*

Maryn: …!!! Hey, I know this one! It’s, um…uh… “Friday the 13th”! Yeah! That’s it!

*unfortunately, a loud buzzer sounds indicating that Maryn’s answer was incorrect, and Jason closes in on her*

Maryn: …W-What? That was wrong!?

Jason: *breathes in deep, hollow breaths*

Maryn: Uh, l-let’s see… What other Jason movies were there? Um… “Friday the 13th Part 2”?

*buzzer*

Maryn: “Friday the 13th Part 3”!?

*buzzer*

Maryn: “FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 9001”?!?

*as the buzzer sounds yet again, Jason lunges towards Maryn with the machete; Maryn rolls out of the way just as the blade connects with the wall*

Jason: Grrrr…

Maryn: I don’t know any other Jason movies!!!

*this leads to a comical chase that leads all around the room; before long, Maryn makes her way back to the door and pounds on it frantically with her fists*

Maryn: GUYS, OPEN THE DOOR!!! I’M GONNA DIE IN HERE!!!

Ren: Hurry, Saber, open it, open it!

Saber: *jiggles doorknob* I can’t! It’s locked! *slashes at door with broadsword* The hell is this door made of -- adamantium!?

Rose: Out of the way!

*as the party moves away from the door; Rose revs up a steam bike*

Vyce: …Where’d you get that steam bike, Rose?

Rose: BANZAI!!!!!

*speeding forward, Rose attempts to ram the door open, but the unbreakable door releases an impact shockwave that sends Rose and the steam bike flying back down the staircase to the first floor*

Rose: …Ow…

Neon: *sarcastically* …Well, that was helpful…

Hayate: Guys! Maryn’s gone!

*when the party turns back to face the see-through door, they discover that Maryn was gone; all that could be seen was a large amount of blood that stained the other side of the door*

All: …

*Maryn’s left hand suddenly slams against the door…*

All: *gasp*

*…and slowly slides downward, indicating that Maryn now lay dead on the ground*

Saber: *collapses to knees* …Oh, dear God…

Paris: Tsk-tsk-tsk… Pauvre Maryn. So close, yet so far.

Hanabi: “Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter”. That’s the answer we were looking for.

Paris: …Oh, well. C’est la vie.

Hanabi: Clock’s still ticking, gang. You may be down one member, but the game isn’t over until all the rooms are completed.

*with that, two little girls (the twin girl spirits of Stephen King’s The Shining) appear down the hallway*

Girl 1: Come play with us, guys…

Girl 2: Yes… Come play with us…

*all of a sudden, the girls blow up when a missile is fired at them; Vyce is seen holding the same bazooka Chibi-Usa got him for Christmas*

Ren: Vyce! The hell are you doing!?

Vyce: Losing my f**king mind!!! What does it look like I’m doing?!? I DON’T TRUST ANYTHING ELSE IN THIS HOUSE!!!

Kyoko: Yeah! It’s “kill or be killed” from here on out, bitches!

Hayate: What is wrong with you?!? This morning, you were screaming about bats and spider webs in your hair, and now you’re G.I. f**king Jane!

Kyoko: I can’t help it! This epic struggle for survival’s giving me an adrenaline rush!

Hayate: “Struggle for survival”, my ass! You’re a total psychopath, woman! You’ve gone completely out of your mind! If this game doesn’t end up killing us, YOU will!

Kyoko: …

Hayate: …

*just then, Hayate and Kyoko start making out passionately, much to the disgust of everyone watching*

All: o.0

Gwen: …Lead the way, “Bazooka Joe”.

Vyce: Don’t have to tell me twice. *cocks bazooka* Lock and load!

*back in the control room…*

Kyuzo: …Wow. I’m speechless. I can’t believe you killed off Maryn. And with such a thingy move too. *sniffles* I’m so proud!

Hanabi: Pssssh! Like making you proud means crap to us!

Paris: We’ve wanted to get rid of “Blue” for weeks now!

Hanabi: Because the boys are always gawking at that skank, they never look at us!

Paris: Justice is served!

Hanabi: Yup! Now there’s just one thing to take care of…

Paris: Eh? What’s that?

Hanabi: This.

*suddenly taking out a Sonic Duelist pistol, Hanabi points it to Paris’ temple and pulls the trigger, effectively blowing her brains out; Paris’ limp PC body falls over onto the ground, dead*

Hanabi: There we go! Problem solved!

Kyuzo: …Where’d you get that pistol…?

Hanabi: Usa-chan lent it to me.

Kyuzo: Cool, cool. …If you need me, I’ll be in the corner praying.

*back in the house, as the 2-hour mark nears, the party comes up to the final door, labeled “Hayate”*

Hayate: *deep breath* Okay… Let’s do this.

*as usual, Hayate walks in and the door closes behind him; the layout of the room was that of a typical bedroom: bed, nightstand, television; the television was on, playing nothing but static, and a little girl is seen sitting directly in front of it*

Hayate: …Okay… This looks a little familiar…

*the girl in front of the TV turns her head back and looks up at Hayate*

Girl: …They’re heeeeeeere.

Hayate: W-What? What do you mean? Who’s here?

Girl: …The TV people.

*just then, a light earthquake starts, and strange claws made of static extend from out of the TV screen and reach for Hayate*

Hayate: Aah!

*Hayate draws his blade sword to fight the claws off, but they eventually seize his arms and legs and drag him towards the TV*

Hayate: O-Okay! I know this, I know this! Uh… Uh… Agh! Come on! It’s on the tip of my tongue!

*before long, Hayate’s lower body is completely consumed by the static*

Hayate: You know, this whole pulling me to the other side thing isn’t doing wonders for my concentration! …Wait! The “other side”! That’s it!

*pretty soon, the static consumes all but Hayate’s head*

Hayate: Aah! “Poltergeist”, “Poltergeist”, MOTHERF**KING “POLTERGEIST”!!!!!

*the confirmation bell rings, Hayate is freed, and the door unlocks; Hayate exits the room and collapses onto the floor*

Hayate: Gawd… I’m never watching another horror flick for as long as I live…

*a final door on the far side of the second floor opens up and Hanabi walks out*

Hanabi: GOOD JOB!!! Looks like you guys made it!

Gwen: “Made it”!? Maryn’s dead!

Hanabi: Meh. Acceptable losses.

Gwen: “ACCEPTABLE LOSSES”?!? *gets shoved aside*

Neon: Ignore “Polly” for a second. Weren’t there supposed to be two of you? Where’s Paris?

Hanabi: *picking ear with finger* Who? …Oh, her. Yeah, she’s dead too.

Ren: So…it’s just you?

Hanabi: Yup!

Gilgamesh: Good. *draws dual swords* Then you can take a beating for two now.

Hanabi: …Aw, hell…

*out of sheer anger, the party gives chase after Hanabi*

Hanabi: THIS WASN’T HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO DOWN!!!

*as the chase progresses to the first floor, the party passes by Rose’s fallen body and tramples over her*

Rose: *sarcastically* …Oh, sure, just leave me here. It’s not like I need help or anything.

~ GAME 3 ~

*like before, the house is temporarily returned to normal while the next game is prepared; during this time, the housemates regroup in the living room; Hanabi has now joined Chibi-Usa, Miharu, and Ayliori passed out on the floor*

Rose: I dunno how much more of this I can handle…

Saber: Nue’s dead… Maryn’s dead… Paris is dead… Who’s next?

Hayate: No one has to be next if we can find Kyuzo and shut his game down.

Gilgamesh: Find him how!? We’ve been in every room in this damn house, and there’s nothing but black outside!

Hayate: I’ve been thinking about something ever since the first game started. Kyuzo must need an excessive amount of magic to keep this space stable, right? The only one who could supply that much magic is Kaga. Kyuzo must be pulling the strings from a place where we can’t reach him -- a place where he doesn’t give us enough time to look for him.

Saber: The space with the black mansion.

Hayate: Exactly. When the others set up for their game, they must leave themselves exposed so we could play it in that other space. That has to be where they’re hiding. But because we’re so preoccupied with finishing the game, they don’t have to worry about us looking for them.

Neon: So how do we find them?

Hayate: Well--

*just then, there’s a knock at the front door*

Vyce: AAAAHHHH!!! IT’S NUE!!! HE’S COME TO EXACT HIS UNHOLY VENGEANCE UPON US!!! *gets slapped*

Kyoko: Oh, get a freakin’ grip, “Cat Ears”!

*when Saber goes to answer the door, Kaeion collapses inside, short of breath*

Kaeion: *panting* Okay! What the f**k is going on with this house now!? Every five seconds, it’s something else! I’m tired of babysitting you assholes!

Hayate: K-Kaeion!? How’d you get here!?

Kaeion: I FOLLOWED THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD! HOW THE F**K DO YOU THINK I GOT HERE?!? Progress report! That’s all this was supposed to be, and now I gotta deal with this crap again!

*picking Kaeion up, Saber proceeds to slap Kaeion several times*

Saber: QUIT YOUR DAMN WHINING BEFORE I TOSS YOU BACK OUT THERE!!!

Kaeion: … *blinks* Yes, ma’am…

Ren: Hahaha! Saber, you are in rare form today!

Gilgamesh: Tell me about it… *shudder*

*before long, the party is brought to the dimension with the black mansion once again*

Hayate: Okay! Everyone remember the plan?

All: Yeah!

Hayate: Remember, Team 1 just has to keep them occupied long enough for Team 2 to find their hiding spot!

Saber: I wonder who the game assigner is this time…

Jack: HI, GUYS!!!

All: …

Kyoko: …Oh, God, no…

Gwen: KYUZO, PLEASE!!! GIVE US ANOTHER ASSIGNER!!! KAGA, SHIROU, CIEL -- I DON’T CARE WHO!!! JUST ANYONE BUT HIM!!! PLEASE!!!

Jack: Awww…

Hayate: It doesn’t matter who issues the game! We stick to the plan!

Gwen: Fine… But if I lose brain cells because of this, your ass is joining Nue.

Neon: Go ahead, Jack!

Jack: Okay! Let’s see… What was the game again? …Oh, yeah! Hide and seek!

All: …

Gwen: *glares at Hayate* I hope you like eating black space for the rest of your sad life.

Hayate: SAVE IT!

Jack: I’ve hidden myself in one of the rooms in the mansion. All you have to do is find me. But a little fair warning: …If I were you guys, I’d wear earplugs. Hehehe. You have 3 hours. Good luck!

Saber: Alright! Begin the operation!

*at this point, the party splits into two halves; Team 1 -- Hayate, Neon, Gilgamesh, Ren, and Kyoko -- searches for Jack, while Team 2 -- Saber, Gwen, Briar Rose, Vyce, and Kaeion -- searches for the control room*

Hayate: We’ll check the first floor rooms first!

*the party barges into the first room they come across; as they enter, they find a large pile of bones on the ground*

Hayate: Not here! Let’s move on!

Ren: Wait! Something’s happening!

*turning back to face the pile of bones, the party notices it come alive to form a group of skeletons; then, with a top hat and cane for each skeleton, the bony group puts on a ragtime show for the party*

Skeletons: *singing* Hello, my baby, hello, my honey, hello, my ragtime gal
Send me a kiss by wire, baby, my heart’s on fire…

(“Hello, My Baby” by Joseph E. Howard and Ida Emerson)

Ren: *pulls at her own hair* Oh, the horror! The horror!

Kyoko: Run! Run like the wind!

*immediately fleeing the room, the party moves on to the next room over; in this one, another group of skeletons was waiting, dancing as if backups in a music video*

Skeletons: *singing* I’m every woman, it’s all in me
Anything you want done, baby, I do it naturally…

(“I’m Every Woman” by Whitney Houston)

Neon: Here too!?

Gilgamesh: Quick, next room!

*once again fleeing the scene, the party moves on to the next room; just like the last one, a group of skeletons was waiting, this time disco dancing (complete with disco lights)*

Skeletons: *singing* Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah
Show ‘em how we do it now, show ‘em how we do it now…

(“Shake Your Groove Thing” by Peaches & Herb)

Gilgamesh: My God…! THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!!!

*meanwhile, Team 2 searches about the house for the control room, with Kaeion leading the way*

Kaeion: *looks at tracker* …Looks like we’re heading the right way.

Rose: You can seriously find Kyuzo with that thing?

Kaeion: As long as I have a PC body’s ID number, I can track anyone in The World.

Vyce: Dude, where can I get one of those?

Kaeion: Just shut up and walk. The sooner I finish up here, the sooner I can leave this God-forsaken place.

Vyce: …Bitch…

Saber: I hope L hasn’t caught on yet.

*just then, an army of assorted vampires, mummies, werewolves, zombies, and skeletons appear to bar the party’s path*

Gwen: GODDAMMIT!!! You had to jinx it, didn’t you!?

*in the control room…*

Kyuzo: Crap-crap-crap-crap-crap-CRAP!!!!! Why him?!? Why here?!? Why now?!?

Shirou: Kyuzo, this is getting serious! If Kaeion finds us -- and, believe me, he WILL find us -- we’re dead! D-E-D, dead! Please, while there’s still time! CALL OFF THE GAME!

Kyuzo: NEVER!!!!! This will be the best Halloween ever! It’s “Kyuzo’s House of Pain”, dammit! “KYUZO’S HOUSE OF PAIN”!!!

Ciel: You’ve gone completely nuts! I can’t believe I ever agreed to this! I’m getting out of here while I still have a life to live!

*Ciel bolts for the door, but Kyuzo jumps in front of him with his blade sword drawn*

Kyuzo: NOBODY’S GOING ANYWHERE!!!

*pouncing on Ciel, Kyuzo binds his limbs with rope and his mouth with masking tape*

Kyuzo: There! That’ll hold you, you little transvestite! …Hmm? HEY!

*looking back, Kyuzo sees Shirou tampering with the control panel*

Shirou: C’mon… C’mon…

Kyuzo: *roars like a lion*

Shirou: F**K!!!

*as Kyuzo pounces on Shirou, a comical brawl ensues; once Kyuzo comes out on top, he hoists Shirou above him and walks towards the emergency exit*

Shirou: Kyuzo, for God’s sake! This is out of control! You’ve gone mad with power, and for what!? A stupid Halloween prank!? Please, for the sake of our friendship--

*before Shirou finishes, however, Kyuzo opens the emergency exit and tosses Shirou into the black abyss*

Shirou: --W-Wait, wait, I wasn’t FINIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISHED!!!!!!!

Kyuzo: “KYUZO’S HOUSE OF PAIN” LIVES ON!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!

*meanwhile, the progress of Team 1 is…minimal*

Neon: Please-be-the-right-door, please-be-the-right-door, please-be-the-right-door… *opens door* …Jack?

Skeletons: *singing* That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh…

(“That’s the Way (I Like It)” by KC and the Sunshine Band)

Neon: *closes door* DAMMIT!!!

Kyoko: Too much…singing… Can’t…take it anymore…

*Hayate approaches the next door, but just before he opens it, a skeleton pops its head out*

Skeleton: …Hey… Have you heard?

Hayate: …Heard what?

All: HAYATE, NO!!!!!

*just then, the door bursts all the way open and a group of skeletons comes out singing and dancing*

Skeletons: *singing* A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird’s the word
A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird’s the word
A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird’s the word
A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird’s the word
A-well-a, don’t you know about the bird?
Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word
A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird’s the word
A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird’s the word…

(“Surfin’ Bird” by The Trashmen)

*as the skeletons sing their repetitive song, Neon repeatedly pounds his head against the wall, Gilgamesh and Ren run around in circles insanely, and Kyoko rolls around on the floor covering her ears*

All: MAKE IT STOP!!!!!

Hayate: …Alright, that does it! *draws blade sword*

*leaping into the room, Hayate proceeds to slice and dice the singing skeletons into dust*

Hayate: *panting* It’s okay now, you guys… It’s dead…

*all of a sudden, the skeleton’s skulls, which were left intact, come alive and continue singing*

Skulls: *singing* Papa-oom-a-mow-mow, papa-oom-a-mow-mow
Papa-oom-a-mow-mow, papa-oom-a-mow-mow
Papa-oom-a-mow-mow, papa-oom-a-mow-mow
Papa-oom-a-mow-mow, papa-oom-a-mow-mow…

Hayate: *backs away slowly* Oh, God… It won’t die…! IT JUST WON’T DIE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

*as the party runs away, the singing skulls chase after them, hopping up and down and singing all the while; meanwhile, Team 2 stops in front of a door on the far side of the house*

Kaeion: …Yup. This is it.

Rose: Finally! Those damn werewolves nearly tore ALL my clothes off!

Vyce: *gawks at Rose* Yeah… Bummer…

Rose: …Avert the eyes, or I poke them out with a rusty spork…

*Kaeion kicks the door in, and the party enters, noticing the immense of technology that coated the walls; at the far left end of the room, they notice Ciel and Kaga bound and gagged in the corner*

Gwen: …Well, this is…unexpected…

*Ciel and Kaga poke their heads towards the right side of the room; at that end was a large curtain; walking over, Kaeion pulls the curtain back to reveal Kyuzo at his control panel*

Kyuzo: …Uh… *speaking into mic* Pay no attention to the guy in front of the kickass control panel… *pulls curtain back*

All: …

Saber: …Well, this is just sad…

*Kaeion pulls on the curtain again, and the party glares at Kyuzo*

Kyuzo: …Um… Okay, see, what had happened was… I was gonna let you guys off easy after the second game, but…Jack held a blade to my neck and said he’d kill me if I didn’t let him do his game…

Saber: Right… And where’s Shirou?

Kyuzo: …He…jumped ship…?

Rose: Uh-huh… If I may?

Kaeion: By all means.

*approaching Kyuzo, Rose hoists him up by the collar*

Rose: Hey, “Kyu”. I got a game for you now. I call it “Briar Rose’s House of Pain”. And there’s only one rule… *raises fist* …Don’t blink.

Kyuzo: o.0 *gulp*

*back in the main corridor of the mansion, Team 1 is seen surrounded by dozens of singing skeletons and skulls, cowering in fear in the far corner of the room*

All: UNCLE!!! UNCLE!!!

*all of a sudden, the skulls and skeletons vanish, and everyone is returned to the house in the Lost Ground*

Neon: …Huh? *opens eyes* … *looks around* …Oh, thank God…

Ren: Yay! No more disco! No more show tunes! And look! My nervous tic is almost gone! *eye twitches* It should be completely gone by next month!

*glancing about the room, Hayate determines the presence of 15 other housemates plus Kaeion*

Hayate: *sigh* Looks like we all made it back.

Ciel: Not all of us… Jack’s still missing.

Kaeion: *looks at PC tracker* …Got him. *forcefully pounds foot on living room floor*

: OW! My head!

*from a secret compartment in the living room floor, Jack emerges while rubbing his head*

Jack: Agh…! Feels like a dump truck like unloaded all its heavy trash on my head at once…! …Hmm?

*looking around the immediate area, Jack notices all the other housemates looking at him*

Jack: …What? Is it over already?

*a little after Kyuzo’s game had finally ended, the housemates all gather in the Chaos Gate Square of the Lost Ground*

Hayate: Thanks for the much-needed assist in bringing down Kyuzo’s crazy game, Kaeion. Are you sure you can’t bring back Nue and Shirou?

Kaeion: I told you, once they were thrown into the sea of data, their data markers got scattered. They’re gone.

Hayate: *sigh* Oh, well. I’m sure we can live without them. …Sucks about Maryn though.

Hanabi: Yeah… Sure does… *cough*

Hayate: Well, give our best to Haseo. Looks like you’ve got some interesting stories to tell him when you get back, huh?

Kaeion: Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaah… If it’s all the same to you, this is one little “adventure” I rather forget. *turns away* I swear, it’s like looking after a bunch of deranged monkeys…

*Kaeion attempts to gate out of the Lost Ground…*

Kaeion: …Hmm?

*…but discovers he was unable to*

Kaeion: The hell? C’mon, you stupid PC body…! Work, dammit!

*just then, a large screen-like display appears above the Chaos Gate and Haseo’s fuzzy image is shown*

Haseo: Hello? Kaeion, are you there?

Kaeion: Haseo, is that you? What’s the deal!? I can’t gate out!

Haseo: Yeah, about that… During your time in the Lost Ground, we noticed some transformations in the area’s data coding. It seems that you were in the Lost Ground for so long, it actually picked up on the irregularities in your PC and produced antibodies to counteract its abilities. …I’m afraid you’re stuck there just like the others, Kaeion.

Kaeion: …You can’t be serious…

Haseo: Unfortunately, I am. We tried to combat the antibodies in any way possible to get you back, but they’re extremely resistant. …There’s nothing we can do.

Kaeion: …

Haseo: I promise you, Kaeion, we’ll get you out. We’ll get all of you out. You have my word. We’ll exhaust every possible tactic we can think of to return you all to the physical world. …I’ll be in touch with periodic updates. *beep*

Rose: Well, well, well! Isn’t this a delicious turn of events?

Gilgamesh: Looks like you’re stuck with us now, “K-boy”! Maybe you wanna take back that “deranged monkeys” comment?

Neon: This moment is so awesome, I wanna have sex with it.

All: Hahaha!

*turning around, the party makes its way back to the house, leaving Hayate and Kaeion behind*

Kaeion: *draws Duelist pistol* Take this, Hayate.

Hayate: *takes pistol* Uh, okay… What am I supposed to do with it?

Kaeion: *faces Hayate* …I want you to shoot me.

Hayate: …What?

Kaeion: I’m serious. Through the temple. Right now. Give it to me.

Hayate: …

Kaeion: Did I freakin’ stutter!? I said, shoot me! Let’s go!

Hayate: A-Are you crazy!? I’m not gonna shoot you! If you want out of this that badly, do it yourself!

Kaeion: I can’t trust my own hands in situations like that. Too much pressure.

Hayate: GEE, YA THINK?!?

Kaeion: Just do it already! Quit being a whiny bitch and pull the damn trigger!

*Hayate slowly raises the firearm and aims it at Kaeion’s face*

Hayate: …Don’t ask me to do this…

Kaeion: I’m not asking you; I’m telling you! NOW PULL THE F**KING TRIGGER!!!

Hayate: … *pulls the trigger*

Kaeion: GAH!!! *falls over onto the ground in pain* THAT WAS MY EAR, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! I SAID THE TEMPLE!!! I WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, FOR F**K’S SAKE!!! WHERE’D YOU LEARN TO AIM?!? GAWD!!!