.hax//WTF 2.0, Episode 16

[Hayate]

.hax//WTF 2.0

Episode 16: Let There Be Paint[/b]

*in the girls’ house, Paris serves breakfast to the others; Maryn sips from her glass of orange juice*

Maryn: Ahhh! Nothin’ like a tall glass of OJ!

Hanabi: …Tell that to Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman… Hehehe…

All: …

Hanabi: …Oh, screw you, that was funny!

*just then, a loud thud is heard coming from the attic*

(1): GAH!!! That was my f**king toe, you son of a bitch!

(2): Shut up, or the next one will be aimed at your face!

Ayliori: …That reminds me, Saber. How’d you convince Kyuzo and the others to clean out our attic again?

Saber: I told them I’d give them a bunch of Rose’s underwear if they did a good job.

Rose: *spits out orange juice* YOU DID WHAT?!?

Saber: Oh, relax. Those boys are so dim, I’d give them a pair of their OWN underwear and they’d think it was yours.

Rose: …Good point…

*meanwhile, up in the attic…*

Jack: Aah! Cobweb! Get it off! Get it off! GET IT OFF!!! *gets hit by a brick and falls over*

Vyce: There, it’s off! Now shut the f**k up already!

Jack: …I think I just swallowed a tooth…

Kyuzo: My God, look at all this junk! Whoever lived here before was such a pack rat! …Hmm?

*just then, Kyuzo stumbles upon a 30-inch plasma screen TV*

Kyuzo: …A totally awesome pack rat! JACKPOT, BITCH!!!

Gilgamesh: What’d ya find, Kyu?

Kyuzo: Back off! I found it first! *gets hit by a brick and falls over* …Ow…

Vyce: Whoo! Two points!

Gilgamesh: Ooh… Sweet TV… Quick! Let’s sneak it next door!

Vyce: What about the girls?

Gilgamesh: What ABOUT them?

Vyce: Hmm. Good point. Let’s go.

Jack: …Okay, now I can’t feel my legs…

*several minutes, Chibi-Usa carries a tray of lemonade towards the attic*

Chibi-Usa: Hey, boys! I thought you might be thirsty, so I brought you…some…

*in the hallway, she notices Kyuzo, Gilgamesh, and Vyce making off with the TV*

Chibi-Usa: …

Boys: …

Chibi-Usa: …Did that come from our attic…?

Kyuzo: …CHEESE IT!!!

*breaking into a sprint, the boys make for the front door, but Gwen and Miharu bar their path*

Gwen: Where do you think you’re going with that!?

Vyce: We found it first! Finders keepers!

Miharu: But you found it in OUR attic!

Gilgamesh: Alright, everybody settle down. I’m sure we can come to a compromise if we just-- Holy crap, is that Mel Gibson!?

Girls: *look to the left* Huh?

Gilgamesh: RUN!!!!!

Girls: HEY!!!

*meanwhile, in the boys’ house, Hayate descends the stairs…*

Hayate: *yawn* …Hmm?

*…and, like every morning, finds Neon, Ciel, and Shirou fighting over the remote*

Neon: Hand it over, Ciel!

Ciel: Over my dead body!

Shirou: Don’t give us any ideas!

Hayate: … *sigh* Every morning’s the same thing…

*just then, Jack comes flying in through the window*

Jack: …Is it over…?

Hayate: … *blink* Well, that’s new…

*walking outside, Hayate finds the others fighting over the TV*

Boys: IT’S OURS!!!

Girls: NO, OURS!!!

Boys: OURS!!!

Girls: OURS!!!

Hayate: WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON NOW?!?

Kyuzo: We found this totally sweet plasma screen up in the girls’ attic, so under the law of guys everywhere, we’re claiming it as our own!

Kyoko: Screw you and your totally bogus “law of guys”! It was in our attic, so it belongs to us!

Vyce: You wouldn’t have even known the TV was up there if it weren’t for us, so hand it over!

Girls: NEVER!!!!!

Hayate: *groan* C’mon, Saber, help me out here. You’re usually the voice of reason when it comes to stuff like this.

Saber: “Voice of reason”, my ass!!! I want the freakin’ big screen!!!

Hayate: *eye twitch* Alright, that’s it. *snaps fingers* Jack?

Jack: *appears next to Hayate and salutes* SIR, YES, SIR!

Hayate: Okay, guys, here’s the deal. Put the TV down slowly, or else I’ll have Jack here play “Crash Test Dummy” with it.

Jack: *puts on hard hat* Always wear protection!

Ren: *sweatdrop* …Too bad your mom didn’t…

*defeated, the group sets the TV down*

Hayate: Good. Now…since you guys can’t resolve this peacefully…there’s only one way to settle it. …We compete for it!

Rose: Yeah! That’s what I’m talkin’ about! I call…MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!!

All: …

Rose: …Awww…

Vyce: So, Mr. Housemaster…what IS the plan?

Hayate: Hehehe…

*some time later, the housemates are all gathered on the outskirts of the city armed with protective gear and paintball guns*

Shirou: …I’m liking this plan more and more! Hahaha!

Hayate: Okay, here’s how it works. We split up and scatter about the city for five minutes. Once five minutes are up, the hunt begins. It’s boys with blue paint VS girls with pink paint. If you get hit by paint from the other team, you’re out. Last team standing gets the TV. Any questions?

Nue: …Was this really the only solution…?

Paris: Oh, don’t be such a wuss! It’ll be fun!

Nue: …I hate this place…

Vyce: Hey, wait! The girls have more team members than we do! It’s 9-to-12!

Ciel: Don’t you mean 10-to-11?

Vyce: …

Ciel: …HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!!!

Hayate: Alright! Ready…!

Boys: …

Hayate: …Set…!

Girls: …

Hayate: …GO!

*at Hayate’s signal, the housemates spread out across the city; five minutes later, they begin hunting for each other; Kaga, Shirou, and Gilgamesh are seen using the dried-up fountain in the plaza as a vantage point*

Kaga: You see any girls yet?

Shirou: Not yet…

Gilgamesh: … *gasp* I see someone! FIRE!!!

*aiming their guns to where Gilgamesh pointed, the group fires paintballs madly*

Kaga: …Okay! Hold your fire!

*approaching the fired-at target, the group finds the cloaked man from Episode 1 on the ground*

CM: Aah! I’m hit! I’m hit! …Everything’s going dark… What’s that…? Ooh, pretty light… Yes… Move towards the light… I smell cookies…

Shirou: …Nice eye, Gilgamesh.

Gilgamesh: Oh, shut up, ‘Saber’s bitch’!

: Oh, boys~?

Boys: Hmm?

*as the group turns around, they find Hanabi, Ren, and Maryn aiming their paintball guns at them*

Boys: …SHIT!!! *runs away*

*elsewhere, Kyuzo and Vyce converse in a small wooded clearing*

Kyuzo: Hehehe… Check it out, V! I’ve replaced all my paint rounds with bullet clips!

Vyce: But…isn’t that against the rules? *gets shot in the kneecap* Gah!

Kyuzo: I AM ABOVE THE LAW!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Vyce: WHY DO I HANG OUT WITH YOU?!?

*just then, Briar Rose jumps out and aims her gun at Kyuzo and Vyce*

Rose: Say goodnight, boys! *gets shot in the shoulder* Agh! Kyuzo, you son of a bitch! That was a real bullet, wasn’t it!?

Kyuzo: I AM ABOVE THE LAW!!!!!

Rose: *cracks knuckles* Well, I’m not above kicking your ass! GET OVER HERE!!!

*Rose tackles Kyuzo to the ground and starts beating him up while Vyce watches*

Kyuzo: Aah! Ooh! Gah! Hey, watch the hair! Ow!

Vyce: … *backs away slowly*

*elsewhere, Neon sneaks his way through a narrow corridor*

Neon: Oh, girls… Come out, come out, wherever you are…

*just then, at the end of the corridor, he sees a silhouette of what looked like Miharu*

Neon: Hehehe… *loads paintball gun* Nothing personal, Miharu…but I aim to win!

*then, pointing his gun forward, Neon fires a multitude of paintballs at the silhouette and they splatter upon impact*

Neon: Gotcha!

*dashing forward, Neon is shocked to discover that he had fired paintballs at a dummy dressed up like Miharu*

Neon: …Oh, crap…

*turning around, Neon finds himself cornered by Chibi-Usa, Ayliori, Miharu, and Paris*

Neon: GREAT GOOGLY-MOOGLY!!!

*meanwhile, near the Chaos Gate, Nue conceals himself as he sneaks up on one of the girls*

Nue: …

*suddenly popping out of his hiding place, he fires several paintballs from his gun*

: Gah! What the hell!?

Nue: …Hmm?

*upon closer examination, Nue’s target is revealed to be Ciel*

Ciel: The hell’s wrong with you, man!? I ain’t a girl!

Nue: …

Ciel: …Oh, you can go f**k yourself, Nue!!!

*back at where the paintball fight first started, the housemates who were struck out are seen; Kaga, Hanabi, and Maryn are seen approaching*

Kyuzo: Welcome to the Loser’s Circle!

Hanabi: Bite me, Kyuzo!

Rose: So they got you too, eh?

Maryn: Bastards got me when I wasn’t looking.

Ren: Who’s left?

Paris: Let’s see… For the boys’ team, there’s Hayate and Vyce. And for the girls, there’s Saber and Gwen.

Gilgamesh: Heh! It’s in the bag! Hayate and V are totally gonna dominate!

*meanwhile…*

Vyce: WE’RE F**KED!!! WE ARE ROYALLY F**KED!!!

Hayate: Would you get a grip, Vyce?!?

Vyce: Oh, wake up, blondie! We’re up against King Arthur on estrogen and a Partizan with ‘roid rage! We’re screwed!

Hayate: *slaps Vyce* Shut up before I make you choke on paint! Now look…I set up a trap over by those trees. As soon as Saber and Gwen show up, I just pull this wire, and BAM! It’s all over!

*with that, the two go into hiding and wait for Saber and Gwen to appear; before long, the girls walk into their vicinity*

Gwen: Where the hell are those two piles of testosterone?

Saber: …Hmm? *gasp* Gwen, stop!

Gwen: Huh?

*as soon as Gwen walks into the trap…*

Hayate: FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!!!

*…Hayate pulls on the tripwire, causing several mechanisms in the tree branches to shoot out dozens of paintballs*

Gwen: Huh!? Aah!

Vyce: It worked!

*coming out of their hiding place, Hayate and Vyce find Gwen on the ground covered in blue paint*

Gwen: …I hate you guys so much…

Vyce: Hah! I can’t believe that worked!

Hayate: …Wait… Where’s Saber?

Vyce: …Oh, hell…!

*as soon as the two spin around and make eye contact with Saber, she shoots Vyce down with her pink paint*

Vyce: Gah!!! Right in the f**king eyes!!!

Saber: …Well…looks like it’s just you and me, eh, Hayate?

Hayate: Heh. Looks like it.

Vyce: Oh, sure, ignore me! Ignore the fact I might be f**king BLIND!!! Saber, when I get my hands on you, I’m gonna-- *walks into a tree* OW!

*Hayate and Saber aim their paintball guns at each other and pull the trigger, but discover that their guns were both out of ammo*

Hayate: …

Saber: …

*bending down, Hayate quickly arms himself with Vyce’s paintball gun and fires at Saber again; Saber rolls out of the way and picks up Gwen’s paintball gun; as she does this, Hayate runs away*

Saber: Get back here!

*Saber gives chase after Hayate, leaving both Gwen and Vyce behind*

Gwen: …Is anyone gonna help me or what-- Owww! Vyce, get your damn foot off my face!

Vyce: Cry me a river, bitch! I got paint in my f**king eyes!

*while running, Hayate aims his gun to his rear and fires wildly; Saber evades Hayate’s shots and picks up speed*

Hayate: Aw, crap!

*their chase leads them into the Chaos Gate Square, and the two momentarily stop running; Saber aims her gun…*

Saber: Gotcha now!

*and fires off several rounds; thinking quickly, Hayate jumps behind the Chaos Gate and uses it as a shield*

Hayate: *panting* Gotta turn this around somehow…

Saber: …

*Saber waits patiently for Hayate to come out of hiding; just then, Saber sees Hayate’s shirt being tossed out from the left side of the Chaos Gate; acting instinctively, Saber pelts the shirt with paintballs*

Saber: … *gasp*

*…and fails to notice Hayate jumping out from the right side of the Chaos Gate; almost in slow motion, the two aim their paintball guns at each other once more…*

Hayate: !!!

Saber: !!!

*…and fire*


*later on, the housemates all assemble outside the houses, and the girls cheer over Saber’s victory over Hayate*

Girls: WHOOOO!!!!! ALRIGHT, SABER!!!!!

Saber: Hehehe…

Kyuzo: You lost?!? How the hell could you lose?!? She’s… She’s…a CHICK!!!

Hayate: She got the better of me. What can I say?

Kyuzo: Dammit! I’m covered in sweat, dirt, and paint! I’m gonna get something outta this even if I have to kill someone!

Jack: … *starts moving away*

Kyuzo: Don’t move, bitch, I see you!

Jack: AAH! *runs away*

Kyuzo: Come back here and take your death like a man!

Jack: LEAVE ME ALONE!!! HELP ME, JESUS!!! HELP ME, L. RON HUBBARD!!!

Hayate: … *sweatdrop* …Well, anyways…congratulations, Saber. You sure play a mean round of paintball.

Saber: As do you, Hayate. *shakes Hayate’s hand* We should do this again sometime.

Hayate: You got it.

Ayliori: Yeah, yeah, yeah, congrats all around, everyone’s happy, blah-blah-blah! *picks up plasma screen* LET’S HOOK UP THIS BAD BOY!!!

Shirou: …Betcha we could’ve won if Ciel was 100% man instead of 98% girl.

Ciel: I HEARD THAT!!! I’m getting real sick of the girl jokes, you sons of bitches!

Vyce: Oh, tell it to Oprah, jailbait!

Ciel: GRAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! *tackles Vyce to the ground*

Vyce: Aah! Help! He’s trying to claw my eyes out with his freshly painted nails!

All: … *backs away slowly*

*a short while later, Briar Rose returns to her bedroom*

Rose: *sigh* Thank God that’s over… Hmm?

*glancing to her left, she notices that her underwear drawer was wide open…*

Rose: …

*…and that Kyuzo and Gilgamesh were climbing out her window with her underwear in hand*

Rose: …Grrrr… Kyuzo… *cracks knuckles*

Kyuzo: …CHEESE IT!!!

*Gilgamesh manages to escape, but Rose grabs Kyuzo by the collar before he could; pulling him back inside, she beats him up again*

Kyuzo: Ow! S-Stop! Saber and I had a deal! Agh! T-That doesn’t bend that way! OWWW!!!