.hax//WTF 2.0, Episode 15

[Hayate]

.hax//WTF 2.0

Episode 15: Anthology of Randomness III

Scene 1: The Matrix Retarded**
**pun on “The Matrix Reloaded”

*in his room, Jack Russell is seen sleeping soundly*

Jack: *snoring loudly*

*just then, he’s forcibly entered into chat mode*

: Jack. Wake up.

Jack: --Huh? *rubs eyes* Who is this?

: It’s time to fulfill your destiny.

Jack: …Morpheus?

: …Sure. Let’s go with that. Now listen to me very carefully. There are people after you.

Jack: *gulp* W-Who’s after me?

: I can’t reveal much. What’s important is you get out of there right now. Go to your door.

*Jack stands up and walks over to his bedroom door*

: Do not go outside. There are agents outside looking for you.

*peering just barely outside the room, Jack sees Neon and Ciel walking towards his room*

Jack: (Holy crap! Neon and Ciel are agents!)

: Once they go past, you will have about a five-second window to get to the room next to yours.

Jack: You mean Shirou’s room?

: Don’t question me! Just do it!

Jack: Y-Yes, Morpheus!

*meanwhile, in the hallway, Neon and Ciel walk past Jack’s room*

Neon: …So there I am in the girls’ bathroom, right? And I’m COMPLETELY naked!

Ciel: …Why are you still talking?

: Go! Now!

*exiting the room, Jack rolls into Shirou’s room*

Neon: Hmm? Did you hear something?

Ciel: All I hear is the voice of a white-haired homo standing next to me.

Jack: Okay! I made it, Morpheus!

Shirou: …Hey.

Jack: Hmm? *looks at Shirou*

Shirou: …What are you doing in my room?

Jack: Crap! I’ve been spotted, Morpheus!

: There’s no choice! Take him out now!

*jumping behind Shirou, Jack grasps his head…*

Shirou: H-Hey, what are you--!? Gah!!!

*…and cracks his neck; Shirou falls over dead*

Jack: That’ll teach ya, you filthy agent!

: Good. Now into the hall and down the stairs.

*when Jack goes into the hallway, he sees Hayate coming up the stairs*

Jack: Crap! Hayate’s coming! What do I do, Morpheus!?

: …

Jack: …Morpheus?

: …Huh? …Oh! Right! Uh… Yeah, take him out too.

Jack: But…he’s my friend.

: DO NOT QUESTION MORPHEUS!!! I SAY YOU GOTTA DO IT, SO DO IT!!!

Jack: …Aw, man…

Hayate: *whistling*

*as Hayate ascends the stairs, Jack jumps in front of him holding his blade*

Hayate: Hmm? Oh, hey, Jack.

Jack: *sniffles* Forgive me, Hayate!

Hayate: The hell!?

*Jack suddenly runs Hayate through with his sword*

Hayate: GAH!!!

*as Jack puts his sword away, Hayate falls over dead*

Jack: *cries* Okay, Morpheus, I did it.

: Damn, really? I was just jerking with you that time, man. …I-I mean, good, good. You’re almost to safety. Now this next part’s very important. Go to the bottom of the stairs and stand in front of the couch.

*going to the bottom of the stairs, Jack stands in front of the couch*

Jack: Okay. Now what?

: …Turn around.

Jack: …

*turning 180 degrees, Jack comes face-to-face with Kyuzo and Gilgamesh*

Kyuzo: …Hello, Jack.

Jack: Kyuzo? You’re Morpheus?

Kyuzo: Yup. Now do me a favor, and go get Gil and me some chips.

Jack: B-But…what about fulfilling my destiny?

Kyuzo: You wanna be bitch-slapped by Morpheus, beyotch!? Chips! NOW!

Jack: Y-Yes, sir! *dashes into kitchen*

Kyuzo: …Daps?

Gilgamesh: Daps.

~*~*~*~*~

Scene 2: The Intruder

*in the girls’ living room, several girls are gathered around Chibi-Usa*

Chibi-Usa: Hey, guys! Check out my new pet!

*on Chibi-Usa’s shoulder is a small pink creature with floppy ears (resembling a Koromon)*

Ayliori: …It’s a…

Gwen: …big pink ball with fur…

Kyoko: …Can we eat it?

Chibi-Usa: No, you can’t eat it! What’s wrong with you!?

*Chibi-Usa’s pet nuzzles her cheek with its fur*

Chibi-Usa: Isn’t he cute? I’m gonna call him ‘Chibimon’!

Chibimon: *squeals*

Ren: …‘Kaaaaaaaaaay…

Hanabi: As long as that thing stays out of my room, y’all do whatever the hell you want.

*later that day, Miharu goes into the fridge looking for something to eat*

Miharu: Blue stuff… Purple stuff… Blue stuff with purple stuff in it… Hmm?

*just then, Miharu looks down to see Chibimon nudging against her ankle*

Chibimon: *squeals*

Miharu: …Hungry? Hmm… *feeds apple to Chibimon* There. Now beat it.

Chibimon: *squeals*

Miharu: Still hungry? Ugh… *feeds leftover ham to Chibimon* There! Now get lost!

Chibimon: *squeals*

Miharu: Aw, come on! I already fed you, so go away already!

*just then, Chibimon starts to convulse*

Miharu: …Now what?

*all of a sudden, Chibimon morphs into a giant, monstrous version of itself*

Chibimon: *roars*

Miharu: o.0 …Oh, f**k me…

*later, Ren and Ayliori are seen in Ren’s bedroom giving each other makeovers*

Ayliori: You have such beautiful hair, Ren.

Ren: Hehehe. Thanks, Ayliori.

*Chibimon enters*

Chibimon: *squeals*

Ren: Hmm? Oh, hey, little guy. What’s up?

*just then, Chibimon jumps onto Ren’s dresser and eats all of her makeup*

Ayliori: What the hell?!?

Ren: Aah! My makeup!

Chibimon: … *burps*

Ren: *draws dual swords* Okay, you little freak! You gots to go!

Chibimon: *starts to convulse*

Ayliori: …What’s it doing?

*then, just like before, Chibimon morphs into a giant, monstrous version of itself*

Ayliori: …Oh…

Ren: …Crap…

Chibimon: *roars*

Both: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

*later that day, the remaining girls gather around Chibi-Usa in the living room*

Saber: Usa-chan, your ‘new pet’ has to go!

Chibi-Usa: *cries* But why!? He didn’t do anything wrong!

Gwen: It ate my bedroom door!

Ren/Ayliori: It ate our hair!

Maryn: It crapped all over my bed!

Chibi-Usa: But… But… HE’S SO CUTE!!!

*just then, Chibimon barfs all over the floor, and Miharu comes out*

Miharu: …Evil… Pure, pink evil…

All: … *glares at Chibi-Usa*

Chibi-Usa: …

*soon after, the girls wrap Chibimon in explosives while they stand several yards away with a dynamite plunger*

Chibi-Usa: ISN’T THIS GOING A LITTLE OVERBOARD?!?!?

Paris: Oui… Wouldn’t it be better to just set it loose into the city and let the other players handle it instead?

All: Hmm…

Kyoko: Too late! This is more fun!

*as Kyoko pushes down on the plunger, Chibimon blows up*

Kyoko: BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA!!!!!

Saber: Well…that takes care of that. Trust us, Usa-chan, this is for the best. …Usa-chan?

*turning around, the girls see Chibi-Usa befriending a small creature with black fur*

Chibi-Usa: Awww… Aren’t you cute? I’m gonna call you ‘Chibimon 2’!

All: …

Kyoko: …I’ll go get more dynamite.

~*~*~*~*~

Scene 3: Demolition Bikers

Kyuzo: Hello, and welcome to the Nephthet Iiwan Osvelicas Steam Bike Derby of Destruction! Each of our contestants will be riding steam bikes loaded with explosives! On the front of each bike’s chassis is a red button that, if pressed, detonates the bike into MILLIONS OF PIECES -- and the biker along with it! And the bikers had better watch out too, ‘cuz if they even attempt to abandon their bike, IT BLOWS UP ANYWAY!!! HAHAHA!!! Last biker standing wins!

*in a wide open arena, Kaga, Vyce, Nue, Hanabi, Gwen, and Briar Rose stare each other down from six different points on the arena*

Vyce: It’s gonna be a bloodbath!

Kaga: You girls are goin’ down!

Hanabi: Just try it, emomancer offspring!

Rose: Whoo! Let’s get this party started!

Gwen: Hehehehe!

Nue: …Why am I doing this again…?

Kyuzo: ARE THE BIKERS READY?!?!? DOESN’T MATTER REALLY, ‘CUZ EITHER WAY, FIVE OF YOU ARE GONNA DIE TODAY!!!!! START THE COUNTDOWN!!!!!

Computerized Voice: 3!

Kaga: …

Hanabi: …

Computerized Voice: 2!!

Vyce: …

Gwen: …

Computerized Voice: 1!!!

Nue: …

Rose: …

Computerized Voice: BEGIN!!!

All: BANZAI!!!!!

*the six bikers zoom towards the center of the arena; as they collide, all six bikes explode and go up in flames*

Kyuzo: AND IT’S ALL OVER, FOLKS!!!!! A SIX-WAY TIE!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

*the rest of the housemates watch the explosion from the stands*

All: o.0

Hayate: …Wow. That was fast.

Ciel: Lame! I paid 100 bucks for five seconds of crap!?

Neon: 100!? Kyuzo charged me 200! KYUUUUZOOOO!!!!

Maryn: I call Gwen’s bedroom!