Post by Hayate on Jan 30, 2009 19:12:17 GMT -5
.hax//WTF 2.0
Episode 13: Universal Control
*one morning, Hayate is seen in the basement, rummaging through boxes of old electronics*
Hayate: Junk… Junk… Stupid junk… Junk… Uber-junk… Hmm?
*just then, he picks up a remote control with a lot of buttons on it*
Hayate: Goddamn! This thing’s got more buttons than the Enterprise! …Hmm… *presses a button* …Pffff. I knew it! More junk! …Oh, wait. It needs batteries.
*Hayate takes a couple batteries out of a nearby box and places them into the remote*
Hayate: There we go! …Hmm… I wonder what this remote’s for anyway…
: HAYATE!!!!!Hayate: AAH!!! FIRE THE ENGINES!!! …Huh?
*exiting the basement, Hayate enters the living room and finds several boys crowded around Gilgamesh; Gilgamesh has a PS3 controller in his hands and his eyes are glued to the TV*
Kyuzo: Tell Gilgamesh to stop playing his stupid game so I can watch TV!
Hayate: Jeez, he’s still playing P4!? How many days has it been – 3!? 4!?
Ciel: Try 7! I’m missing Stargate Atlantis!
Nue: …Stargate sucks.
Ciel: *gasp* TAKE THAT BACK!!! I’LL KILL YOU!!! *pounces on Nue*
Hayate: *walks up to Gilgamesh* Gilgamesh…you’ve been playing that game for a week straight! Now, for your own good, put…the controller…DOWN!
Gilgamesh: Can’t… Game too awesome…
Hayate: …That’s it. *snaps fingers* Jack?
Jack: *salutes* Aye-aye, captain!
*turning around, Jack dashes and rams his head into the TV, causing the screen to shatter*
Gilgamesh: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
All: o.0
Hayate: …Dammit, Jack, you could’ve just unplugged the damn PlayStation!!! You didn’t have to break the TV!!!
Jack: *twitch* …Everything looks purple… *twitch*
Hayate: *takes remote out of pocket* God, I wish I could take this remote and erase you from existence!
*accidentally pressing the remote’s “Rewind” button, Hayate turns back time to the point before Jack rammed his head into the TV screen*
All: …Whoa…
Jack: …Where’d I go just now?
Ciel: Wow, Hayate… How’d you do that?
Hayate: I…dunno.
Kyuzo: …Do it again!
Hayate: Uh…okay.
*aiming the controller at Jack, Hayate presses the “Pause” button, freezing Jack in place*
Jack: …Oh, crap… I can’t move…and I gotta use the bathroom…
Nue: … *steps away from Jack*
Hayate: …Dude!
Kyuzo: Dude!!
Ciel: DUDE!!!
*just then, Shirou enters*
Shirou: DUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!!!!!!
All: …
Shirou: …What? You were all doing it too.
Hayate: Awesome… This remote can control anything. *grins*
Gilgamesh: …Hayate, why are you smiling like that?
*Hayate turns to face the PS3 and programs in the time “July 10, 2045” into the remote; then, pressing the “Enter” button, Hayate sends the PS3 forward through time*
Hayate: There! No more P4!
Gilgamesh: NOOOOOOOO!!!!! You bastard!!! *pounces on Hayate*
Hayate: H-Hey! Get off me!
Gilgamesh: Gimme that remote so I can fast-forward you into dust!
*as Hayate and Gilgamesh fight, the remote slides by Nue’s feet*
Nue: *picks up remote* …
*pressing “Slow” on the remote, Nue causes Hayate and Gilgamesh to fight in slow-motion*
Nue: …Cool.
Ciel: My turn!
Nue: Hell no.
*just then, as Nue holds the remote away from Ciel…*
Kyuzo: YOINK!
*…Kyuzo steals it and bolts out of the house*
Ciel/Nue: …Uh-oh.
*next door, Kyuzo peers through the window and sees the girls having breakfast*
Chibi-Usa: Mmmm! Delicious as always, Paris!
Paris: Hee-hee! Merci, merci!
Kyuzo: Mmmm… French toast…
*aiming the remote at the girls, Jack presses “Pause”, causing them to freeze in place*
Kyuzo: Score!
*then, running into the house, Kyuzo eats everyone’s French toast*
Kyuzo: Mmmm…
*then, while the girls are still frozen, Kyuzo fondles Maryn’s breasts*
Kyuzo: Hehehe…
: Hey!Kyuzo: Aah!
*turning around, Kyuzo comes face-to-face with Kyoko*
Kyoko: What do you think you’re doing!?
Kyuzo: Um… Uh… *aims remote at Kyoko and presses “Rewind”*
Kyoko: ?!gniod er‘uoy kniht uoy od tahW *walks away backwards*
Kyuzo: Hehehehe… *runs away*
*once Kyuzo runs away, the girls resume motion*
Gwen: Hahahaha, I know, right!? …Huh? Hey! Where’d my breakfast go!?
Miharu: My breakfast’s gone too!
Maryn: …Why do I feel like I’ve just been violated…?
All: …BOYS!!!!!
*in the boys’ house, Vyce and Shirou attempt to get the remote away from Kyuzo*
Vyce/Shirou: HAND IT OVER, KYUZO!!!
Kyuzo: NEVER!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! *aims remote at Vyce and Shirou, and presses “Erase”, causing them to vanish*
Kaga: Now look what you did, Kyuzo!
Kyuzo: “You ask me if I have a God complex? Let me tell you something -- I am God!” Muahahahahaha!
*just then, the girls burst in through the front door*
Saber: What the hell’s going on here?!?
Kyuzo: …Nothing.
Maryn: Then why do I feel like I’ve been groped?!?
Ayliori: Someone owes me French toast!!!
*the girls start yelling, forcing the boys to cover their ears*
Ciel: My ears are on fire!
Kyuzo: …Hmm…
*aiming the remote at the girls, Kyuzo presses “Mute”, causing them to lose their voices*
Kyuzo: Hahahaha! By the power of L from Death Note, I HAVE THE POWER!!!!!
*just then, Briar Rose walks up and drives her foot into Kyuzo’s crotch*
Kyuzo: AGH!!! RIGHT IN THE NUT SACK!!! *falls over*
*using the remote, Rose un-mutes herself and the girls*
Chibi-Usa: --AND ANOTHER THING!!! …Oh…
Rose: Looks like the boys went and found themselves a magic remote… Now…WE’RE gonna run things around here from now on!
Jack: Please!!! Could you un-pause me first?!? I still gotta go to the bathroom!!!
Rose: Okay! As the new ruler of the TV clicker from hell, I decree…MANDATORY FOOT RUBS FOR THE GIRLS BY THE BOYS!!!
Nue: …Eww…
Hanabi: *grabs remote* That’s a stupid idea! I say…MANICURES!!!
Ren: NO!!! *grabs remote* SACRIFICES TO THE KING OF DEMONS!!!
All: …
Ren: …Awww…
Rose: FOOT RUBS!!!
Hanabi: MANICURES!!!
*inevitably, an all-out brawl for the remote ensues between the boys and girls; when the remote slides by Hayate’s feet, he picks it up*
Hayate: Okay! This has gone on long enough!
*pressing “Pause”, Hayate freezes everyone in place*
Hayate: Must we go through this EVERY day, people?!? You can’t stop yourselves from acting like infants for just a couple of hours?!?
Kyoko: Hey, Hayate! Unfreeze me, and I’ll let you do me!
Hayate: … *twitch* …Apparently not… Now, look, guys. I’ll unfreeze you, but you gotta promise me you’ll let this remote thing go. Okay?
All: …Fine…
Hayate: …Good. *presses “Play”*
All: …GET THE REMOTE!!!!!
Hayate: SHIT!!!
*thinking quickly, Hayate holds the remote out and presses “Fast-Forward”; time begins to fly forward by years per second; pressing “Play” again, Hayate finds himself in the Mac Anu of R:X*
Hayate: O.O …Whoa. Too far.
*pressing “Rewind”, Hayate rewinds time to the point at which he first found the remote*
Hayate: …Whew. Head rush. …Hmm? *looks at the remote in his hand* …Hmph! *throws remote onto the ground and smashes it to pieces* There! No more demon remote!
: HAYATE!!!!!Hayate: AAH!!! LAUNCH TORPEDOES!!! …Huh?
*exiting the basement, Hayate enters the living room and finds several boys crowded around Gilgamesh*
Kyuzo: Tell Gilgamesh to stop playing his stupid game so I can watch TV!
Ciel: Yeah! I’m missing Stargate Atlantis!
Nue: …Stargate sucks.
Ciel: *gasp* TAKE THAT BACK!!! I’LL KILL YOU!!! *pounces on Nue*
Hayate: *sigh* Good. Everything’s back to normal.
Kyuzo: Alright, that’s it! I’ll take care of this!
*Kyuzo attempts to take the controller out of Gilgamesh’s hands, but as soon as he touches the controller…*
Gilgamesh: *loud roar*
*…Gilgamesh bites Kyuzo’s hand off*
Kyuzo: AAAAHHHH!!!! MY GUITAR-PLAYING HAND!!!! DUCT TAPE!!!! I NEED DUCT TAPE!!!!
Hayate: *sweatdrop* …Well…almost normal.
