.hax//WTF 2.0, Episode 13

[Hayate]

.hax//WTF 2.0

Episode 13: Pandora TV, Part 2

*Kaeion is seen sleeping on a control panel*

Kaeion: *snoring loudly*

*just then, a shadowy figure approaches him*

: …Ensign?

Kaeion: *continues snoring*

: Wake up, ensign.

Kaeion: *continues snoring*

: …

*then, the figure shocks Kaeion with several thousands of volts of electricity*

Kaeion: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! *falls over* …Huh?

*Kaeion finds himself on the bridge of a grand ship in outer space*

Kaeion: …Oh, yeah… TV from hell… Dimensional rifts… *rises to feet* So…the hell am I now?

: You’re aboard the S.S. Emiya, ensign.

Kaeion: Hmm?

*looking to his left, Kaeion sees the person who woke him up: an android with long blue hair*

Kaeion: Ooh… Hot robo-chick… Wait. “S.S. Emiya”? That’s means…!

: So glad you could join us, ensign!

*looking up, Kaeion sees Shirou sitting in the captain’s chair*

Kaeion: …Of course…

Shirou: We’re under attack by enemy forces, and you choose NOW to take a nap!?

Kaeion: Oh, kiss my ass, Shirou!

Officer: …Hehehe… “Ass”…

Shirou: That’s CAPTAIN Shirou to you, ensign!!!

Kaeion: (…“Captain Ass-Wipe” is more like it…) …Wait. Did you say we’re under attack?

Shirou: That’s right!

*looking out the large window, Kaeion sees millions of enemy ships flying towards the S.S. Emiya*

Kaeion: HOLY STAR TREK!!!!! There’s millions of them!

Android: 4,756,032 to be exact.

Kaeion: NO ONE ASKED YOU, ROBO-WHORE!!!

Officer: …Hehehe… “Whore”…

Shirou: All hands, battle stations! We’ll teach them to mess with us!

Kaeion: So, “Captain Butt-Munch”, who exactly are we fighting?

Lieutenant: Incoming transmission from the enemy commander, Captain!

Shirou: Patch it through!

*on a large transparent monitor, Gilgamesh is seen dressed in lavish evil-looking clothes and holding a glass of wine*

Gilgamesh: HAHAHAHAHA!!! WE MEET AGAIN, SHIROU!!!

Shirou: Commander Gilgamesh!

Kaeion: …Oh, you must be joking…

Gilgamesh: You may have bested my armadas before, but this time shall be different! This time I shall reign victorious!

Shirou: Oh, blow it out your ass, you big blowhard!

Kaeion: …Well put…

Shirou: EMIYA FLEET, MOVE OUT!!!!!

*with that, a grand battle in space ensues; as the missiles fly, each side’s army decreases in size*

Kaeion: Oh, this is it! We’re all gonna die! We’re all gonna FREAKIN’ die!

Shirou: Pull yourself together, ensign! As long as we hold fast to hope, as long as we can still draw breath, the side of good will always triumph over evil!

Kaeion: Well, that’s all well and good in Shirou-Land, but I ain’t gonna just stand here and let myself get blown to kingdom come!

Officer: …Hehehe… “Blown”…

Kaeion: OH, WOULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY?!?

Officer: …Sorry…

*exiting the bridge, Kaeion takes an elevator down to the central corridors*

Kaeion: Okay, let’s see… If I was a rift, where would I be?

Officer: *walks past Kaeion* Hey there, ensign. What’s shakin’? *gets shot*

Kaeion: *holding phaser gun* Next person to call me “ensign” is getting an eyeful of hot…uh…whatever the hell this thing shoots!

Officer: *exits room* Hey, ensign! *gets shot* Aah! My eye!

Kaeion: What’d I just say!? WHAT DID I JUST F**KING SAY?!?

Officer: I couldn’t hear what you said! These walls are soundproof! *gets shot again* Gah!!! My other eye!!! Why would you do that?!?

Kaeion: I DON’T KNOW!!! I HAVE A LOT OF DISPLACED ANGER!!! MAYBE MY MOTHER NEVER LOVED ME!!! MAYBE MY FATHER DIDN’T HUG ME ENOUGH WHEN I WAS A CHILD!!! OR MAYBE I’M JUST HAVING A REALLY BAD DAY!!! *shoots officer dead* …Whew… Well, I feel better. *whistles while walking away*

*walking into another corridor, Kaeion sees the rift at the end of the corridor*

Kaeion: Hot damn!

*as he makes his way towards it, several enemy officers jump out and start shooting phaser guns*

Kaeion: Crap! *jumps into hiding* Okay, let’s see. One, two, three… Six guys. Six against one. *draws phaser gun* Well…here goes nothing…

*jumping out of hiding, Kaeion dashes down the corridor while shooting his gun frantically; eventually he reaches the rift after taking out all the enemy officers*

Kaeion: …Wow. That was easier than I thought. And those guys on Star Wars make it look so hard. *steps through rift*

~*~*~*~

*in the new space, Kaeion ends up in a dense forest at nighttime*

Kaeion: …Hmm? Where-- Aah!

*just then, Ayliori takes Kaeion by the hand and guides him quickly through the forest*

Ayliori: Come on! It isn’t safe here!

Kaeion: A-Ayliori!? What the hell!? Who are we running from!?

Ayliori: The crazed killer with a hockey mask, chainsaw, and a hook for a hand!

Kaeion: *sarcastically* Oh… Of course… Why’d I ever question that one?

*as they exit the forest, they dash into an empty barn; Ren shuts and locks the barn door as they run inside*

Kaeion: *sarcastically* Oh, goody… The other “Anti-Hilton” is here too… This day just gets better and better…

Ren: Were you followed!?

Ayliori: *panting* No… I think we lost him…

Ren: *sigh* Good… Then we’re safe for now…

Kaeion: Pssssh. Yeah, if you can call an empty barn after midnight “safe”…

Ren: We’ll stay here until morning. If he hasn’t found us by then, it’ll be safe enough to go outside.

Kaeion: (Staying here ‘til dawn with these two? …Yeah, not happening…)

*just then, a chainsaw is driven into the barn door*

Ren/Ayliori: AAAHHH!!!

Kaeion: (…Well, that was quick…)

*with the chainsaw, the killer breaks inside the barn*

Killer: RAGGLE-FRAGGLE!!!

Ren/Ayliori: IT’S THE CRAZED KILLER WITH A HOCKEY MASK, CHAINSAW, AND A HOOK FOR A HAND!!!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

*Kaeion, Ren, and Ayliori dash towards the rear of the barn, but the killer catches up with Ren and brutally murders her*

Ren: AAAAHHHH!!!!

Ayliori: REN!!!!

Kaeion: Ooh… What a way to go… Death by lumberjack…

Killer: *looks at Ayliori and Kaeion* Grrrr… *dashes forward* RAGGLE-FRAGGLE!!!

Ayliori: *closes eyes* We’re so freakin’ dead!

Kaeion: WHOA-WHOA-WHOA!!!!! TIME OUT THERE, BUDDY!!!!!

Killer: *stops running* …?

Kaeion: Okay, crazy, here’s the deal. *takes out GP* I’m gonna give you 5,000 bucks to walk away right now.

Killer: … *takes money* …Score. *walks away*

Ayliori: … *blinks twice* YOU COULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT BEFORE REN GOT HACKED TO DEATH?!?!?

Kaeion: *shrugs* Them’s the breaks.

*just then, a dimensional rift appears next to Kaeion*

Kaeion: Well, there’s my ride. Take it easy, ‘Aylie’. *steps through rift*

Ayliori: *blinks* But… But…what about Ren…?

~*~*~*~

*in the new space, Kaeion finds himself aboard a…*

Kaeion: …Pirate ship? …Oh, no…

*turning around, Kaeion sees Ciel – the captain – standing on the ship stern*

Ciel: Hahahaha!

Kaeion: Oh, I freakin’ knew it!!! Pirate ship = pirate kid!!! I totally saw that coming!!!

Ciel: Hoist anchor! Raise the mainsail! C’mon, you scurvy dogs, get the lead out! ARRGH!

Kaeion: *sweatdrop* …I’ll be SO glad when this day is over…

Ciel: FIRST MATE KAEION!

Kaeion: …Oh, he’d better not be talking to me… I ain’t nobody’s “first mate”…

Ciel: Have ye sighted that blasted mermaid yet!?

Kaeion: Mermaid…? (He must mean that Maryn chick.) Uh, no, Captain, no sighting of the mermaid yet. (Might as well play along long enough to find the rift.)

Ciel: Arrgh! That mermaid’s gonna wish she’d never messed with the great Captain Ciel! Hahahaha!

Pirate: Captain! Mermaid sighted off the starboard bow!

*Ciel and some of the crew gather to the starboard side of the ship’s bow and see the glamorous blue-haired mermaid Maryn splashing through the water playfully*

Ciel: Yar! There she be!

Maryn: Hey there, Captain Ciel! You wanna play some more?

Ciel: There be no playin’ around this time, li’l missy! When this day be over, I’ll have yer head mounted on me wall!

Maryn: Hehehe… Yeah, good luck with that. *dives under the water*

Ciel: First mate Kaeion! Fetch me harpoon!

Kaeion: You ain’t the boss of me, “Cap’n Crunch”! Get your own damn harpoon!

Pirate: *hands Ciel a harpoon* Here you go, captain!

Ciel: *aims harpoon at the water* Alright… Where ye be hidin’, ya stupid codfish…?

*just then, Maryn’s singing voice echoes through the air, causing small waves to crash against the ship*

Pirate: She’s singin’, captain! She’s singin’!

Ciel: I can hear it, you idiot! I ain’t deaf, y’know!

Kaeion: …Is it time to abandon ship yet…?

*once the singing stops, silence fills the air*

Ciel: …

Kaeion: …

All: …

*just then, Maryn comes up to the surface and jumps into the air like a dolphin*

Ciel: GOTCHA!!!!!

*Ciel fires the harpoon and it whizzes through the air; unfortunately it just barely misses Maryn and punctures an innocent fish in the sea*

Maryn: Hahaha! Missed me again, captain!

Ciel: ARRGH!!!

: Yoo-hoo! Oh, Captain Ciel!

*running to the port side of the bow, Ciel and others see a second mermaid in the water – one with long blond hair and pink fins*

Pink Mermaid: Is my sister too much for ya to handle? Hahaha!

Ciel: Sweet mother of Davy Jones, there’s another one!!!

*at that moment, Maryn appears alongside the pink mermaid*

Maryn: Hey, sis! You in the mood for a duet?

Pink Mermaid: You bet!

*just then, both mermaids dive back underneath the water…*

Ciel: Good Lord, what are those two doing now…?

*…and reappear above the surface in their human forms while standing on top of a geyser of water; in their hands were showerhead-shaped microphones; as Maryn and the pink mermaid start singing, the water starts to shake the ship violently*

Pirate: …I don’t like where this is going…

*moments later, a giant tidal wave comes up…*

All: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

*…and crashes harshly against the ship, causing everyone aboard to be thrown into the water*

Kaeion: (Yup… Saw that coming too…) …Hmm?

*just then, a dimensional rift appears beneath the water near some seaweed*

Kaeion: (Bingo!) *swims through rift*

~*~*~*~

Kaeion: …Hmm? Where…?

*in the new space, Kaeion ends up in some underground chamber*

Kaeion: …Okay… This is new. *looks down one end of the chamber and sees an iron gate* …Maybe that’s the way out. *starts walking*

: NOT SO FAST, BAD GUY!

*just then, Hanabi, Gwen, and Briar Rose jump out…*

Hanabi: Before you can leave…

Rose: …you have to face us…

Gwen: …kung-fu style!

*…and strike a pose similar to Charlie’s Angels*

Kaeion: o.0 …Okay. I’ve official lost my mind. Later, karate bitches. *starts walking away*

*before Kaeion could leave, Hanabi jumps in front of him and assumes a fighting stance*

Hanabi: Didn’t you hear what we just said!?

Kaeion: Yeah, yeah, blah-blah, kung-fu, blah-blah. Why don’t you and your fellow “Angels” go make out in a hot tub or something? *gets kicked in the face* OW! Okay, bitch, you wanna throw down!? Let’s throw down!

*with that, Kaeion enters a fancy fistfight with Hanabi, Gwen, and Rose*

Kaeion: (This would be so hot if I wasn’t totally gonna die…!)

*after quickly knocking out Hanabi and Rose, Kaeion and Gwen face off*

Kaeion: Looks like it’s just you and me, whitey…

Gwen: Oh, please!

*just then, Gwen takes out a pair of nunchaku and twirls them around skillfully*

Gwen: Heh! Whatcha gotta say now, bad guy!?

Kaeion: …

*Kaeion then takes out a Duelist gun and shoots Gwen through the head, killing her in an instant*

Kaeion: …Can’t believe I didn’t think of that 5 minutes ago…

*at that moment, the rift appears a few feet in front of Kaeion*

Kaeion: *puts gun away* Ah, well… *steps through rift while beat-boxing “Smack My Bitch Up”*

~*~*~*~

*in the new space, Kaeion finds himself as a member of a large group of samurai led by Yanagi*

Kaeion: …Hmm? *looks at the clothes he was wearing* …Oh, perfect…

*looking ahead, Kaeion notices that the group of samurai had confronted a blind samurai – Nue*

Yanagi: You’re the one they call Nue, correct?

Nue: …

Yanagi: Do you remember the caravan of samurai you’d slain a few days ago? …My father was traveling with that caravan…and you killed him…

Nue: …That caravan was transporting a criminal…

Yanagi: You think that justifies slaying my father!? *draws sword* KILL HIM!!!!!

*Yanagi and her group of samurai charge forward with blades in hand*

Nue: …

*calmly drawing his own sword, Nue swiftly and skillfully kills them all*

Yanagi: …D-Damn you…

Nue: *sheathes sword* …

Kaeion: O.O *throws sword away* Aw, hell no! *runs away* No way in hell I’m gettin’ my ass handed to me by a freakin’ blind guy with a sword! Uh-uh! F**k that!

*eventually, as Kaeion ran, the rift appeared and he jumps through it*

~*~*~*~

Kaeion: Oof! …Huh?

*picking himself up, Kaeion sees that he was back in the boys’ house living room in the Lost Ground*

Kaeion: *sigh* Finally.

*turning to his rear, he sees the demon TV mounted on the wall*

TV: *laughs evilly*

Kaeion: Okay, “Satan’s Picture Box”…you gots to go.

*with a swift swipe of his scythe, Kaeion slices the TV clean in half, causing everyone who was sucked inside to reappear in the living room*

Gwen: …Where’d we go just now…?

Chibi-Usa: I dunno… It’s all a blur…

Ciel: *smacks lips* …Why do I taste seawater?

Kaeion: *puts scythe away* And Kaeion saves the day! The crowd goes wild! No applause; just throw money and women’s underwear!

All: …

*one month later…*

Kaeion: *knocks on door*

Hayate: *answers door* Hey, Kaeion. Time for the monthly check-in already?

Kaeion: Yup. So…anyone lose their mind yet? Or die? …Or both?

Hayate: Nope. It’s pretty much the same as it’s always been.

*just then, Shirou enters from the basement with a DVR*

Shirou: Check it out, guys! I found a TiVo!

Kyuzo: Kickass!

Hayate: Sweet! You wanna hang out and watch some stuff, Kaeion? …Kaeion?

*outside, Kaeion can be seen dashing away from the house*

Kaeion: NOT A CHANCE IN HELL!!! YOU RETARDS ARE ON YOUR OWN THIS TIME!!!