.hax//WTF 2.0, Episode 12

[Hayate]

.hax//WTF 2.0

Episode 12: Pandora TV, Part 1

*Kaeion is seen lying in a bed*

Kaeion: …Ugh… Huh?

*as he wakes up, he sees a blond-haired girl sitting at his bedside*

: Oh! You’re finally awake!

Kaeion: Are you my mercy angel…?

*opening his eyes wider, Kaeion determines the girl to be Jocelyn*

Kaeion: …Oh. Never mind. You’re just that crazy Jocelyn bitch. …Hmm?

*sitting up in the bed, Kaeion finds himself in a Western setting*

Kaeion: …Where the hell am I?

Jocelyn: You’re on the upper floor of the saloon. I found you collapsed outside.

Kaeion: Saloon? How the f**k did I end up in a saloon?

Jocelyn: I just told you, I found you collapsed--

Kaeion: Shut up, bitch. That was a rhetorical question.

Jocelyn: …

Kaeion: (Alright, think… How did I end up here? …Something about a TV… Argh! I can’t remember!)

Jocelyn: …I don’t think you’re as bad as everyone says you are, Kaeion…

Kaeion: Are you still talking, bitch?

Jocelyn: Everyone says you’re an outlaw…but I don’t believe them.

Kaeion: Outlaw…?

*looking out the window, Kaeion notices that he was no longer in The World, but now in a Wild-West-like town*

Kaeion: What the f**k is this place?!?

*just then, a voice calls out from outside*

: HEY, KAEION!!! I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE!!! I’M A-CALLIN’ YOU OUT!!!

Kaeion: (…That voice…)

Jocelyn: Uh-oh! It’s Sheriff Hayate!

Kaeion: Sheriff who?!?

Jocelyn: He must’ve found out where you’re hiding!

Kaeion: Oh, you gotta be kidding me! I’m in a freakin’ Western!?

*outside, Hayate – in a sheriff’s outfit – is seen standing outside the saloon*

Hayate: You have five seconds, Kaeion, or else I’m a-comin’ in after ya!

*moments later, Kaeion steps out*

Kaeion: …Hayate? What the hell are you wearing?

Hayate: Heh. What’s the matter, Kaeion? Take too hard a bump on the noggin?

Kaeion: And why the hell are you talking like that? How’d we end up here? Weren’t we in The World just this morning?

Hayate: I dunno this “The World” nonsense yer talkin’ about, but all I know is… *draws pistol* …by the authority given to me by the town o’ Mac Anu, I place y’all under arrest!

Kaeion: …Okay, this is getting us nowhere… I’m outta here. *walks away*

Hayate: Where do ya think you’re goin’!? I said you’re under arrest!

Kaeion: I’ll let you know when I start giving a damn!

Hayate: Y’all better stop walkin’ right now, or else I’m a-pluggin’ yer spine full o’ lead!

Kaeion: *turns around* STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!!!

Hayate: Ohhh… So it’s a stare-down y’all want, eh? Alright, I’m game! On the count o’ three, we draw!

Kaeion: (…It’s like I’m talking to a freakin’ brick wall!) *groan* Fine. Stare-down. Whatever it takes for you to leave me the hell alone.

*Hayate and Kaeion assume positions several feet away from each other, while a bystander counts*

Bystander: One!

Hayate: …

Bystander: Two!!

Kaeion: …

Bystander: …Three!!!

Hayate/Kaeion: DRAW!!!

*Hayate and Kaeion draw their guns and fire off a single bullet*

Hayate: …

Kaeion: …

Hayate: … *gasp* D-Damn… *falls over*

Kaeion: …Huh. Didn’t see that coming.

: HAYATE!!!!!

*just then, another girl resembling Kyoko runs over to Hayate’s side*

Kyoko: Hayate! Speak to me, darlin’!

Kaeion: …“Darlin’”? This really IS a Western…

Kyoko: *glares at Kaeion* You…killed ‘im… MURDERER!!!!!

*the townspeople form an angry mob and chase after Kaeion*

Kaeion: Aw, hell!!! *runs away* What the hell do I do now?!?

*all of a sudden, a dimensional rift opens up a few yards ahead of Kaeion*

Kaeion: Dunno what that is, but it looks like a way out of here!!! GERONIMO!!!!!!

*jumping through the rift, Kaeion escapes the angry mob and winds up in a new space*

~*~*~*~

*in this new space, Kaeion finds himself in a speeding car*

Kaeion: …Hmm? Where am I now?

*to Kaeion’s left, Kyuzo was driving the car, while Jack Russell was in the backseat*

Kaeion: Kyuzo? Jack?

Kyuzo: They still followin’ us, “Jacky”!?

Jack: *firing machinegun* I can’t shake ‘em! They on us like white on rice!

Kyuzo: Tch! Persistent bastards!

*looking through the rearview mirror, Kaeion sees that the car was being pursued by police cars*

Kaeion: …Oh, dear God…

*just then, Kyuzo drops a bag of money in Kaeion’s lap*

Kaeion: Hmm? What’s this?

Kyuzo: That there’s your cut, bud! Couldn’t have pulled it off without ya! Hehehe!

Kaeion: (…Did we just rob a bank or something?!? C’mon, man, think! How’d we get here!? …Argh! I still can’t remember!)

Jack: KYUZO, ROADBLOCK!!!!!

Kyuzo: SHIT!!!!!

*as Kyuzo slams down on the brakes, the car comes to a stop in front of a roadblock of police cars; through a megaphone, the police chief calls out to the three inside the car*

Police Chief: It’s over, Kyuzo! Step out of the car and put your hands above your heads!

Kyuzo: You’ll never take us alive, coppers!!!

*Kyuzo and Jack take out firearms and start laying into the roadblock of cars with bullets*

Police Chief: Tch!

*at that moment, the police chief draws a cool-looking firearm*

Police Chief: OPEN FIRE, MEN!!!!!

*with that, a shootout ensues*

Kaeion: This is completely insane!!! I’m getting out of here!!!

*exiting the vehicle, Kaeion runs off*

Police Chief: One of them’s getting away! After him!

*ducking behind a nearby building, Kaeion manages to shake the pursuing cops*

Kaeion: *panting* Okay. Looks like I lost them. Now I can think clearly. Alright… How did I end up here? I was in The World this morning… I remember going to visit Hayate and the others… And then…I remember some weird television… Dammit. I can’t remember anything else. Guess I should just concentrate on getting out of this place.

*just then, another dimensional rift appears next to Kaeion*

Kaeion: Bingo!

: Hey, you hear that? It came from over here!

Kaeion: (Crap!) *jumps into the rift*

~*~*~*~

*in this new space, Kaeion wakes up to find himself tied up in a helicopter*

Kaeion: Ohhhh… Now where am I? …Huh? What the hell!? I c-can’t move!

*to his side is Miharu – passed out and also tied up*

Kaeion: Miharu! Miharu, wake up!

Miharu: …Ohhhh… Huh? *looks over* Kaeion? Where are we?

Kaeion: I was hoping you’d tell me. But…I think we’re in a helicopter.

Miharu: …What are we doing in a helicopter?

Kaeion: Do I look like I know?!?

*just then, a person dressed in a lavish white suit enters from the cockpit; in his arms was a white-furred cat*

: I apologize for the unpleasant accommodations, you two. But you see…I can’t have you interrupting my plans.

Kaeion: (“Plans”? What “plans”? I don’t even know what I’m doing here!)

Miharu: You won’t get away with this, Vyce! Neon will stop you!

Vyce: Neon? Hah! That fool doesn’t even know where we are!

: Care to place a wager on that, old bean?

*just then, outside the helicopter’s open doors, Neon is seen standing on a rocket-powered board*

Miharu: Neon!!!

Vyce: “00X”!!!

Kaeion: *sweatdrop* “Double-0-X”? (…I’m in a cheap James Bond knockoff!?)

Neon: *enters the helicopter* I’ll be taking your captives off your hands now, Mr. Vyce, if you don’t mind.

Vyce: Tch! I don’t know how you found me, Neon, but it’ll be the last time you do!

*pressing a button on a remote control, Vyce summons a group of highly-trained martial artists in ninja-like suits*

Vyce: THROW HIM OFF MY COPTER!!!

*as Vyce retreats to the cockpit, Neon enters into a fancy kung-fu fight with Vyce’s ninja goons*

Miharu: Get ‘em, Neon! You can do it!

Kaeion: …Someone please kill me now…

*after Neon knocks out Vyce’s ninjas, he unties Miharu and Kaeion*

Neon: Heh. Sorry I’m late, Miharu.

Miharu: *blush* …Neon…

Kaeion: Ugh… (Oh, gag me with a freakin’ spoon!)

*just then, an explosion rattles the helicopter*

Miharu: W-What was that!?

Neon: That sounded like the engine!

*then, outside the helicopter’s open doors, Vyce is seen flying via jetpack*

Neon: Vyce!

Vyce: We shall meet again, 00X!!! Hahahahahaha!!! *flies away*

Miharu: He’s getting away!

Neon: Never mind that! This copter’s going down! We need to go!

*with Miharu in his arms, Neon leaps out of the helicopter and activates the rocket-powered board in his shoes*

Kaeion: What the hell, man?!? You’re just gonna leave me here?!? WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?!?

*the engineless helicopter careens down towards a snowy mountain*

Kaeion: Aw, crap… Now what do I do? …Hmm?

*all of a sudden, just a few meters above the ground, a dimensional rift opens*

Kaeion: There! That’s my ticket out of here!

*leaping from the falling copter, Kaeion falls through the rift just before the copter bursts into flames; before proceeding to the next space, Kaeion floats in dimensional limbo*

Kaeion: …Now I see… With each jump between dimensions I take, the memories come back little by little… I went to visit Hayate and the others in the Lost Ground…

Hayate: …Oh. Hey, Kaeion. What’s up?

Kaeion: Just monitoring your progress like Haseo said. How are you faring?

Hayate: …You tell me…

Kyuzo: SAY IT ONE MORE TIME, JACK!!! I DARE YOU!!! SAY IT ONE MORE F**KING TIME!!!

Jack: “THE GODFATHER” SUCKS!!!!!

Kyuzo: THAT’S IT!!!

*a comical brawl ensues between Kyuzo and Jack*

Kaeion: *sweatdrop* …Is it always like this?

Hayate: Pretty much.

*just then, Shirou enters from the basement with a TV in his hands*

Shirou: Hey, guys, look what I found--

Kaeion: Aah! My head! …I can’t remember anything after that. Guess I’ll just have to keep moving.

~*~*~*~

*in this new space, Kaeion finds himself in a wide open field; two armies consisting of soldiers, wizards, and various mythical creatures look as though they’re about to battle*

Kaeion: …A war?

*leading one army was Saber*

Saber: *draws the Excalibur* ATTACK!!!!!

*the two sides converge in the middle, and a full-out war begins; soldiers run through other soldiers with their blades, wizards cast offensive magic, and dragons breathe hot fire down upon the battlefield*

Kaeion: I’d better not get in the middle of this. I need to find that rift and quick.

*walking into a clearing, Kaeion finds several clerical soldiers healing wounded fighters; nearby, a soldier who was being healed was getting into an argument with a cleric with bright hair and an eyepatch*

Soldier: Can’t you heal any faster!? I wanna get back to the action!

Cleric: I’m going as fast as I can!

Soldier: WELL, GO FASTER!!!

Cleric: Look, buddy, you can either let me heal you now, or you can go now and get your head chopped by some half-retard with a sword! Now shut the hell up!

*just then, a dragon flies up from behind the cleric and prepares to bathe everyone in flames…*

Cleric: *gasp*

: PHOENIX THUNDER!!!

*…but is suddenly struck dead by red lightning; the caster of this magic is seen nearby wearing goggles and a light-brown cloak*

Cleric: Templar Kaga!

Kaga: *smile* Keep up the good work.

Cleric: Y-Yes, sir!

Kaeion: …Well, this is boring. Where the hell’s that rift?

*at that moment, a short quake shakes the earth*

Kaeion: W-What the hell!?

Soldier: The enemy! They’ve summoned some giant monster!

*gazing across the battlefield, Kaeion sees the monster the other army had summoned; its most notable quality was its massive mouth*

Monster: *roars loudly *

*as the monster bared its teeth, the dimensional rift Kaeion was looking for is seen in its throat*

Kaeion: OH, COME ON!!!!! WHY IS NOTHING EVER EASY?!?!? *groan* Guess I’ve got no choice…!

*meanwhile…*

Lieutenant: General Saber! That monster’s decimating our forces! It’s impossible to stop!

Saber: Tch! Damn them! They had a trump card all along! Rally the troops, lieutenant, and have them fall back--

*just then, Kaeion dashes past Saber towards the monster*

Saber: H-Hey! Get back here, you! Who was that man!? Which battalion is he in!?

Lieutenant: I didn’t recognize him, General!

*as he runs, Kaeion draws closer to the monster*

Monster: *roars loudly*

Kaeion: Here goes!!!

*leaping up, Kaeion jumps into the beast’s maw and sees the rift*

Kaeion: There it is! But first…! *draws scythe* DON’T SAY I NEVER DID ANYTHING FOR YOU, SABER!!!

*with several swings of his scythe, Kaeion unleashes several arcs of energy that move past the rift and slice through the beast’s internal organs; as Kaeion proceeds through the rift, the monster falls over dead*

Lieutenant: It’s…dead…!

Saber: Now’s our chance! All troops, advance! (…That soldier from before… What a noble sacrifice…)

~*~*~*~

*in this new space, Kaeion finds himself in the city streets; crowds of people frantically rush past him in fear*

Kaeion: What the hell!? W-What’s going on!?

*a blond girl resembling Paris approaches Kaeion and grasps his shoulders*

Paris: Run for you life, ma Cherie! Ze behemoth! She approaches!

Kaeion: Behemoth!? What!?

Paris: THERE EEZ NO TIME!!! JUST RUN!!! *runs away*

Kaeion: Has this town gone crazy?!?

*just then, large intermittent earthquakes occur*

Kaeion: W-What’s that!? It sounds like…giant footsteps!

*as the footsteps draw closer, Kaeion sees a giant Chibi-Usa towering above the city*

Citizen: Run!!! It’s Chibizilla!!!

Chibi-Usa: HI, EVERYONE!

Kaeion: OH, YOU’VE GOTTA BE F**KING KIDDING ME!!!!!

*now Kaeion is forced to run away along with everyone else*

Chibi-Usa: AWWW, DON’T RUN! I JUST WANNA PLAY!

Kaeion: It’s official!!! I hate this place!!!

*as Chibi-Usa steps forward, she flattens innocent citizens beneath her feet; just then, she kneels down and takes Kaeion into her massive hand*

Chibi-Usa: HI! YOU’RE CUTE! WANNA BE MY FRIEND?

Kaeion: AAAHHH!!! Don’t eat me!!!

Chibi-Usa: HEE-HEE! I’M NOT GONNA EAT YOU, SILLY! I JUST WANNA GIVE YOU A KISS!

Kaeion: EVEN WORSE!!!!!

*as Chibi-Usa moves Kaeion towards her face, he struggles to break free of her fingers*

Kaeion: If I can…just reach…my dual sword… Ha! Got it!

*drawing his dual sword, Kaeion drives it into Chibi-Usa’s hand…*

Chibi-Usa: OW! THAT HURT!

*…causing her to let go of Kaeion; Kaeion then plummets towards the ground*

Kaeion: Aw, crap! That was a stupid idea!

*Kaeion closes his eyes, fearing he may fall to his death, but at the last second, a dimensional rift opens up beneath him and he falls through*

Chibi-Usa: AWWW… HE’S GONE…

*once again, Kaeion floats in dimensional limbo*

Kaeion: *sigh* That was too close… Argh! My head! …Ah! There it is! I remember everything now!

Shirou: --Hey, guys, look what I found!

Vyce: …Shirou, we already have a TV.

Shirou: Yeah, but this one’s a big screen!

Vyce: Hmm. Good point.

Kaga: Wait. Let me see that. *puts hand on TV* …Ooh… I feel malevolent forces within this television…

Gilgamesh: Oh, don’t be such an “emomancer”, Kaga! Plug it in, Shirou!

*after Shirou plugs in the new TV, Ciel picks up the remote and attempts to turn it on…*

Ciel: …Hmm?

*…but nothing happens*

Ciel: Huh. That’s weird.

Neon: Great! Nice going, Ciel! You broke it!

Ciel: Hey, don’t go pinning this on me!

*just then, the TV starts to shake violently, and the earth shakes with it*

Nue: …What’s happening…?

Vyce: How should I know!?

*then, the TV screen gives off a bright white glow and evil laughing could be heard*

Kaeion: …Is the TV supposed to laugh?

Kaga: I’m not one to say “I told you so”, but--

All: OH, SHUT THE HELL UP, KAGA!!!

*moments later, everyone in the house vanishes into the television, including the girls next door*

Kaeion: …So we were all sucked into the TV. And for some reason, I was the only one unaffected by it. Dunno why that is, but I know one thing for sure: …As soon as I find my way out of here, I’m kicking Shirou’s ass!!!

TO BE CONTINUED…