Post by Hayate on Dec 31, 2008 21:51:00 GMT -5
.hax//WTF 2.0
Episode 11: AIDA Attack!
*somewhere in the city, a trio of players wanders into a clearing*
Boy PC 1: It’s just over here, you guys! Trust me, you’re gonna flip when you see it!
Boy PC 2: Only thing I flip over is my 8-gig stash of porn.
Girl PC: …Oh, you’re sick…
Boy PC 1: And…there it is!
*the first PC turns the others’ attention to a Tri-Edge Sign on a wall*
Boy PC 2: …This is what you wanted to show us!? A stupid triangle!?
Boy PC 1: Yeah! Cool, isn’t it?
Boy PC 2: I could be tapping some white PC chick’s ass right now, and you’re showing us a stupid triangle on a wall?!?
Girl PC: …Is sex all you think about?
Boy PC 2: ‘Course not! …Sometimes I think about cupcakes…
Girl PC: …
*the first PC slowly approaches the Sign and reaches out to touch it*
Girl PC: You’re not seriously gonna touch that thing, are you!? You don’t even know what it is!
Boy PC 1: Well, it’s better than just looking at it!
Girl PC: No, it’s not!!!
*as soon as the first PC touches the Sign, it glows bright red and the area begins to shake*
Boy PC 2: Oh, God, what now!?
*suddenly, a Data Bug materializes before the group…*
Data Bug: *roars*
*…and swallows the group whole*
Girl PC: …I blame you both for this…
*meanwhile, at the boys’ house, several housemates are seen lounging in the living room*
Kyuzo: *holding a fake microphone* Ladies and gentlemen, this is a true spectacle! Ciel the “Girly Man”, “Monkey Ass” Gilgamesh, and Jack “Gag Me With a Spoon” Russell are now in hour 3 of their relentless battle over the TV click machine!
Gilgamesh: HAND IT OVER, YOU CROSS-DRESSER!!!
Ciel: NOT A CHANCE, ZIT-FACE!!!
Jack: I CAN’T FEEL MY FINGERS!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!
Shirou: …You aren’t gonna step in and stop this?
Kyuzo: Pssssh! You crazy? This is better than television!
*just then, Saber bursts in…*
Saber: We have a situation!
*…and the fighting stops*
Saber: Everyone assemble outside! NOW!
*a short while later, the 21 housemates assemble outside*
Kyoko: *long yawn* …This had better be good… I was having the best dream…
Vyce: *raises eyebrow* Oh, really? Was it one where you’re NOT a complete whore?
Kyoko: Bite me, cat-ears.
Hayate: What’s the emergency, Saber?
Saber: I was surveying the city a short time ago, when all of a sudden I was overwhelmed by AIDA!
Rose: “AIDA”? That some weird term for “players trying to get some”?
Gwen: …You don’t get out much, do you, eye-candy…?
Hanabi: Okay then. Long story short, we got some AIDA to get rid of, right? No big deal.
*just then, millions of AIDA creatures begin to cloud the sky*
Miharu: *sweatdrop* “No big deal”, right?
Jack: Oh, God, we’re f**ked! Quick, everyone! Into the pod! *jumps into a trashcan*
Nue: …Jack, that’s a trashcan.
Jack: LIFTOFF!!!
All: …
Maryn: …Can we go now? I’m losing brain cells just standing here.
Saber: Alright, here’s the plan! We split up into groups of 4 and take the city district by district!
Chibi-Usa: Screw the plan! I say… *draws dual pistols* …LOCK AND LOAD, BITCHES!!![/i]
*as Chibi-Usa runs off ahead of the group, the others watch*
Neon: …That’s the last time I let Usa-chan watch “Die Hard”.
*the team sets out to destroy AIDA; the first team – Hayate, Vyce, Gwen, and Kyoko – weed out AIDA in the fountain plaza; after about 7 minutes, the number of AIDA begins to recede*
Gwen: *panting* Is that all of them?
Vyce: I…think so…
Hayate: …Alright… Let’s rest for a minute and go regroup with-- *gasp* Kyoko, look out!
Kyoko: Hmm?
*a few feet behind Kyoko, an AIDA sneaks up on her, but Hayate slays it before it could touch her*
Kyoko: Awww… You DO care about me, don’t ya, blondie?
Hayate: Oh, don’t start with me, girl! I wouldn’t have to save your ass if you actually paid attention to things going on around you!
Kyoko: …You totally want me, don’t you?
Hayate: *falls over comically*
: Is it safe to come out now!?All: Hmm?
*just then, Kyoko’s sisters Jocelyn and Yanagi emerge from hiding inside the dried-up fountain*
Kyoko: Yanagi! Jocelyn! You’re okay!
Vyce: …Why are you hiding?
Yanagi: Duh! We’re hiding from those black things!
Gwen: …You didn’t even try fighting them?
Jocelyn: And risk ruining our beautifully good looks with blood, sweat, and dirt!? Hell no!
All: *sweatdrop*
*elsewhere, another team consisting of Kyuzo, Hanabi, Paris, and Briar Rose investigate the western plaza*
Paris: There doesn’t appear to be any AIDA here. I’ll go search around this area.
Rose: And I’ll look over here.
*as Paris and Rose go off by themselves, Kyuzo and Hanabi are left alone*
Hanabi: (Oh, great… I’m stuck with him…)
Kyuzo: Y’know, ‘Hana’, if any AIDA jump out at us, I’d be more than happy to protect you. *wink*
Hanabi: *sarcastically* Gee, thanks… *sigh* You know, Kyuzo, you don’t have to try so hard.
Kyuzo: …Uh, Hanabi?
Hanabi: I already think you’re a cool guy and everything, but this ‘Rico Suave’ act just makes you seem obnoxious.
Kyuzo: …Hanabi…?
Hanabi: If you just be yourself, you could land any girl you want. Even me. …Are you listening to me, Kyuzo? …Kyuzo?
*as Hanabi turns around, she sees Kyuzo having the air strangled out of him by an AIDA’s tentacle*
Kyuzo: *choking* …Can’t…breathe…
Hanabi: …God, I love karma.
*meanwhile, another team – Neon, Chibi-Usa, Gilgamesh, and Miharu – comes across a large group of AIDA in the residential area*
Neon: Okay, guys, here’s what we’ll do! We’ll each take a portion of the AIDA army on our own and move toward the center!
Gilgamesh: …Uh, Neon?
Neon: What!? Don’t interrupt me while I’m planning!
Gilgamesh: …Look.
*Gilgamesh turns Neon’s attention ahead and sees Chibi-Usa swinging her broadsword wildly at the army of AIDA*
Chibi-Usa: I’M ONE STEP CLOSER TO THE EDGE, MOTHERF**KER, AND I’M ABOUT TO BREAK!!!
All: … *sweatdrop*
Miharu: …Your sister scares me, Neon.
Neon: …I know, Miharu. …I know.
*elsewhere, the last group – Kaga, Ren, Ayliori, and Nue – comes to the three-way fork in the road from Episode 8*
Ren: Which way now?
Nue: *points to middle path* That way.
Kaga: Oh, no, you don’t! Last time we listened to you, we almost got trampled to death! This time we’re going MY way!
*Kaga leads the group up the left path…but they eventually come back running and screaming as a large group of AIDA chases them*
AIDA: *high-pitched scream*
Ayliori: REMIND ME TO KICK YOUR ASS LATER, KAGA!!!
*a short time later, the five teams gather at the Chaos Gate Square*
Shirou: It doesn’t matter how many of these creeps we kill; there’s no end to them!
Gilgamesh: Maybe AIDA desires a sacrifice! *picks up Ciel* Who’s with me?!?
Ciel: DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, ASSWIPE!
Maryn: C’mon, guys! Let’s just think this through logically, and we’ll fix it!
Rose: …Kyuzo, stop staring at my chest.
Kyuzo: …Huh? You say something? *gets driven into the ground by Rose’s fist*
Yanagi: *sweatdrop* Tell me again why you wanted to stay with these retards, Kyoko.
Kyoko: …I forgot.
Saber: AIDA of this magnitude must be being generated from some source point. We cut off that source, no more AIDA.
Hanabi: Alright then! Sounds like a plan to me! TO THE BATMOBILE!!!
All: …
Hanabi: …We don’t have a Batmobile, do we…?
All: …No…
Hanabi: Hehehe… Sorry. I think I’m catching Jack’s retardation.
*as the group searches for the AIDA’s source point, they fight through hordes and hordes of AIDA to reach it; as they run, Chibi-Usa stumbles onto the ground*
Paris: Usa-chan!
Chibi-Usa: It’s too late for me! Save yourselves!
Ayliori: … *shrugs* Okay!
*the group runs off, leaving Chibi-Usa behind*
Chibi-Usa: HEY, WAIT!!! I WASN’T BEING SERIOUS!!! YOU BASTARDS!!!!![/i][/size]
*before long, the group locates the Fake Sign generating AIDA; guarding it was a giant Data Bug*
Data Bug: *roars*
Hayate: Wow… That’s a…BIG Data Bug…
: GET AWAY FROM IT!!!*just then, Kaeion jumps down from the sky to confront the Data Bug*
Kaeion: I’ll take care of the Data Bug! You guys get rid of the Fake Sign!
Jocelyn: *picks up Kaeion* Sounds good to us! Go get ‘im, tough guy!
Kaeion: WHAT THE HELL?!?
*as Jocelyn tosses Kaeion at the Data Bug, it opens its jaws and eats Kaeion whole*
Jocelyn: …Huh. Didn’t see that coming.
Data Bug: *roars*
Kyuzo: …CHEESE IT!!!
*the group scatters about the area while the Data Bug scrambles to devour them; before long, Nue finds himself in front of the Fake Sign*
Nue: …Bingo.
*then, drawing his blade sword, he slices the wall in half, destroying the Fake Sign, along with every AIDA in the city*
Nue: …Mission complete.
Vyce: Alright! Nice going, Nue! Just like I’d planned! *gets hit in the head with a rock* …Ow…
*the Data Bug vanishes, causing Kaeion and the other PCs the Data Bug swallowed whole to fall to the ground*
Boy PC 1: Whoa… What a wicked ride…
Boy PC 2/Girl PC: …Shut the hell up, Walter…
Kaeion: *rises to his feet* Okay! Who’s the dead guy that threw me into the belly of the beast!?
Jocelyn: Uh… *points to Kaga* He did it!
Kaga: SAY WHAT NOW?!?
Kaeion: *draws scythe* KAAAAAGAAAAA!!!!!
Kaga: F**K!!! *runs away*
Kaeion: *chases after Kaga* GET BACK HERE!!! I’M GONNA TURN YOU INTO A STEAM BIKE HOOD ORNAMENT!!![/i][/size]
All: … *looks at Jocelyn*
Jocelyn: …The f**k y’all lookin’ at?!?
*some time later, the housemates return home*
Gwen: Whew… Thank God today’s over…
Miharu: Yeah… *plops down on couch* …I ache all over…
Ayliori: Want me to go ask Neon to give you a shoulder massage? Hehehe.
Miharu: …Go jump off a cliff, bitch…
Paris: *sigh* ‘Tis too bad about Mademoiselle Chibi-Usa…
Maryn: Yeah… What a way to go…
*just then, the door bursts open, and a battered and bruised Chibi-Usa is seen standing on the other side*
Ren: U-Usa-chan! We thought you were dead!
Chibi-Usa: *panting* No… But someone’s gonna be in the next 5 seconds…
Hanabi: o.0 …Oh, hell…
*while chaos ensues in the girls’ house, the boys relax next door*
Neon: *plops down on couch* Whew… God, I’m sore… Wish we had a freakin’ hot tub…
Kyuzo: Yeah… So the girls could make out in it… Hehehe…
Ciel: …Hey, you guys feel like we forgot something?
Gilgamesh: Actually, yes. I’ll be right back.
*walking outside, Gilgamesh opens the lid to the trashcan and sees Jack inside*
Jack: Oh, hey, Gilgamesh! You coming into the pod too?
Gilgamesh: Hey, Jacky, hold this for me.
*Gilgamesh tosses a hand grenade into Jack’s hands, closes the trashcan lid again, and walks away*
Jack: …Hmm? What’s that ticking noise? …HOLY SH--!!!!![/i]
*BOOM!*
