.hax//WTF 2.0 Christmas Special

[Hayate]

.hax//WTF 2.0

A Very WTF Christmas

*Hayate is seen soundly sleeping in his bed*

Hayate: *snoring lightly*

*rolling over in his bed, he feels something nudge against his leg*

Hayate: Ohhh… Huh? *opens eyes* What the hell is…?

*pulling back the covers, Hayate sees Kyoko curled up at the foot of his bed*

Kyoko: *purring like a cat* :3

Hayate: … *twitch*

*immediately after, Hayate opens his window and tosses Kyoko outside*

Kyoko: AAH!!! *plops in the snow*

Hayate: STAY OUT OF MY ROOM!!! *shuts windows* … *reopens window* Snow?

*checking his calendar, Hayate discovers it was December 23*

Hayate: …Oh, right. Only two days until Christmas.

*minutes later, Hayate walks downstairs to see everyone putting up Christmas decorations*

Hayate: …What are you guys doing?

Gilgamesh: …Uh, DUH! What’s it look like, Sherlock?

Shirou: We’re decorating the house for Christmas.

Hayate: Huh… Well, this is a nice change of pace. Nice to see you guys doing something other than beating each other’s brains out. …Speaking of which, where’s Jack?

Kaga: He’s out getting a tree.

*meanwhile, somewhere in the Lost Ground, Jack attempts to push a tree down with his bare hands…*

Jack: GRAAAAAAH!!!!! *collapses due to exhaustion*

*…while the cloaked man from Episode 1 observes*

Cloaked Man: No, no, no! You’re doing it all wrong! You gotta get UNDERNEATH it! *digs his hands into the dirt and attempts to pick up the tree from its roots* GRAAAAAAH!!!!! *crack!* Gah! My back! …I can’t feel my legs…

Jack: Ooh… That sounded like it hurt… You need any--?

CM: Don’t touch me, retard! *falls over* …Okay, I think I might need a wheelchair…

Jack: I’ll go find one! *dashes off*

*with Jack gone, a woodpecker lands on the cloaked man’s head*

CM: Awww… Hello there, Mr. Woodpecker. How are you doing today--? OW!!! MY EAR!!!

*after pecking at the man’s head, the woodpecker flies away*

CM: Get back here, you bastard bird!!! I’m gonna turn you into fried chicken!!! …Okay, now I can’t feel my arms…

*back at the house area, Ren shouts out instructions to Chibi-Usa, who’s positioning a Santa-shaped decoration on the roof*

Ren: Okay, a little to the left! …Alright, now down a bit! …Now a little to the right! W-Wait, too far, too far!

Chibi-Usa: ARRRGGGHHH!!!!! MAKE UP YOUR GODDAMN MIND!!!!!

Ren: Okay, right there! Right there!

*as soon as Chibi-Usa lets go of the decoration, it falls off the roof and into the snow*

Ren: *sigh* …Alright, let’s try it again, Usa-chan! And this time, don’t screw it up!

Chibi-Usa: … *twitch*

*frustrated, Chibi-Usa flies down, picks up Ren, and drops her headfirst into a pile of snow*

Ren: *muffled screaming*

Chibi-Usa: Huh!? What’s that!? Sorry, I don’t speak “Bitchinese”!!!

*inside the girls’ house, the girls put up their own decorations; Paris comes in with a tray of glasses*

Paris: Anyone for fresh egg nog?

Miharu: Egg nog! Awesome!

*everyone approaches Paris for a glass of egg nog, when suddenly…*

: NOW!!!

*…several boys jump out of hiding and snag the egg nog away*

Paris: *gasp*

Gwen: DAMMIT, KYUZO!!!

Hanabi: You boys are so freakin’ immature!

Kyuzo: I know you are, but what am I!? FALL BACK, MEN!!!

*the boys retreat from the house with their stolen egg nog, but Ciel trips and winds up on the floor*

Ciel: Ow! …Ugh…

*looking up, he sees several girls crowded around him*

Ciel: …Hehehe… I’d just like to set the record straight that this was NOT my idea…

All: … *draws weapons*

Ciel: …Uh-oh…

*the girls pounce on Ciel and start tearing him limb from limb*

Ciel: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Neon: Ciel!

Kyuzo: Forget him! He’s dead to us!

Nue: …I could’ve made us our own egg nog, y’know…

Vyce: What, and ruin the plot? Hahaha!

Nue: …

*a short time later, all housemates (except Jack) assemble outside the 2 houses and gaze at their decorations*

Ayliori: Sure takes your breath away, doesn’t it?

Maryn: Yeah.

Kaga: Yup. …Dammit, where the hell is Jack!? How long must it take to cut down a freakin’ tree!?

Jack: *enters* I’m back, guys! And I got the tree! I got the-- WHOA!!!!

*tripping over on his own feet, Jack falls over; the tree slips out of his hands and flies into the boys’ house, causing some decorations to catch fire*

Boys: Oh, my God!

*then, ALL of the decorations catch fire*

Girls: Oh, my God!!!

*then, sparks fly from the boys’ house to the girls’ house, causing their decorations to catch fire as well*

All: OH, MY GOD!!!!![/i]

Jack: …Ohhhh… What happened? …Hmm?

*looking up, Jack sees the other housemates crowd around him*

Jack: Uh… H-Hey, guys… Hehehe…

All: …

*the housemates douse the flames, repair the decorations, and return to their respective homes*

All: One… Two… THREE!!!

*at the count of 3, the boys toss a bound-and-gagged Jack into the basement*

Jack: *tumbling down the stairs* Ow! Ugh! Ay! Oof! …Ohhhh… Aw, come on, guys! I said I was sorry!

Kyuzo: …This hurts us more than it does you, Jacky-boy…

Jack: No… No, no, no, don’t close the door! I’m scared of the dark! NOOOOOO!!!

Vyce: There! That takes care of that!

Kaga: *enters* Hey, guys! You get this e-mail?

*everyone opens their in-game mailboxes and finds an e-mail sent to them from Haseo with the subject “Secret Santa”*

Hayate: Hey, It’s from Haseo!

Jack: *from behind basement door* Ooh! Is that Haseo!? Tell him I said hi!

Vyce: Pipe down in there!!!

Hayate: *opens e-mail* “To Hayate, Saber, and others: A Happy Holidays to you all. We regret to inform you that we have yet to find a way to bring you all home, but we’re working as hard as we can. In the meantime, we thought you’d enjoy taking part in a little holiday activity. Attached to each e-mail is the name of one of your friends. This is the person you are to give a present to on Christmas Day…”

~*~*~*~

Saber: “…You can use the video terminals set up around the Lost Ground to order a gift for your Secret Santa recipient, and we’ll send someone to deliver these orders to you Christmas morning. Have fun participating, enjoy your holiday, and take care. We’ll continue sending you periodic updates about bringing you home safely. Signed, Haseo.”

Gwen: ‘Secret Santa’, huh? Seems like a load of bull…but hey, it’s not like we have anything else to do.

Miharu: *reads bottom of e-mail* … *gasp* I’m giving a Christmas present to HIM?!?

*over the course of the next few hours, the 20 housemates visit the video terminals to order their respective gifts; Hayate is seen standing in front of a video terminal placing his order*

Hayate: *sigh* I can’t believe this… Out of all the names I picked out of the hat, I had to pick hers… Might as well get this over with… There! Now all I do is wait!

CM: *jumps out* AAH!

Hayate: HOLY CRAP!

CM: WHITE DEATH RAINS DOWN FROM THE HEAVENS!!![/i]

Hayate: …It’s just snow…

CM: IT WILL KILL US ALL!!!!![/i] *runs away screaming* THE UNHOLY VENGEANCE OF KRIS KRINGLE IS UPON US!!!!![/i][/size]

Hayate: *sweatdrop* …That guy seriously freaks me out…

*soon after Hayate walks away from the video terminal, Neon approaches it…and Chibi-Usa follows close behind*

Chibi-Usa: Who’d you get, Neo-niichan!? Huh!? HUH?!? WHO’D YOU GET?!?

Neon: Leave me alone, Usa-chan! I’m not telling you no matter how many times you ask!

Chibi-Usa: WHO’D YOU GET?!?!?

Neon: Usa-chan, look! Ice cream!

Chibi-Usa: ICE CREAM!!!!! *runs off*

Neon: *sigh* Finally… *places gift order on the video terminal* …There. All done.

Hanabi: …Hey, Neon?

Neon: Yeah? *turns to face Hanabi* … *sweatdrop*

Hanabi: *twitch* COULD YOU GET YOUR CRACKHEAD SISTER TO STOP BITING MY LEG?!?

*hours later, after everyone’s placed their gift orders, they return to the house to pig out more on egg nog and junk food*

Ciel: Hand over the nog, Kaga!

Kaga: NEVER!!!!! *pours gasoline on the floor around him and ignites it to create a ring of fire around himself* There! Just try getting at me now! Hahahahahaha!

Gilgamesh: … *douses flames with a water spell*

Kaga: …Crap.

All: GET HIM!!!

Kaga: Aah! Back! Back, I say! SANCTUARY!!!!![/i]

*meanwhile, next door, the girls hold a small party of their own, but much quieter*

Ayliori: *covers ears* Ugh! I swear, boys are such party animals!

Paris: Tell me about it! I went over to tell them to quiet down, and ended up getting groped by zat Kyuzo fellow! C’est offensant!

Saber: Oh, let them have their fun. It IS Christmas after all.

*just then, something presses against and squeaks along the window*

All: Aah!

*Jack Russell is seen with his face pressed against the window*

All: Dammit, Jack!

Jack: SAVE ME!!! THEY WANT TO LOCK ME UP AND THROW AWAY THE KEY!!!

Ciel: There he is! Get him!

Jack: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!! POWER TO THE PEOPLE!!!!![/i]

All: …

Maryn: …Remind me to disinfect and Jack-proof the windows…

*two days later, the 20 housemates wait inside the guys’ house for the person Haseo sent to deliver the gifts*

Hayate: I wonder who Haseo sent anyway.

Ren: Betcha it’s Kaeion.

Shirou: Yeah! Dressed in a big Santa Claus outfit! Hahaha!

Jack: *looks out the window* …Someone’s coming!

Kyuzo: Ooh! I just got an awesome idea! Vyce! Gil! Follow me!

*the present deliverer walks up to the front door of the house, carrying a large bag, and rings the doorbell*

Kyuzo: *from inside* IT’S OPEN!!!

: … *shrug*

*as soon as the deliverer opens the door…*

Kyuzo: FIRE!!!!!

: !!!

*…the deliverer is doused with a giant stream of water similar to that of a fire hose*

Kyuzo: Okay, that’s enough!

*as the water pressure goes down, the housemates are surprised to see that the presents weren’t delivered by Kaeion, but instead by a well-endowed Epsilon Defender PC*

(i162.photobucket.com/albums/t248/LuffyxDomain/KUUKAKU1.jpg)

Defender: … *twitch*

Ciel: …That’s…DEFINITELY not Kaeion…

Defender: Okay… I’m gonna ask nicely…and I’d better get an answer… Whose f**king idea was it to spray me with f**king water!?

*in unison, the 19 housemates point fingers at Kyuzo*

Kyuzo: …Uh-oh…

Defender: …Grrrr…

*after dropping the bag on the floor, the Defender stomps over, grabs Kyuzo by the collar, drags him outside, and closes the door*

Kyuzo: N-N-N-N-No, wait! I can explain!

*just then, the housemates inside would hear punches loudly connecting one after another*

Kaga: Ooh… I’d sure hate to be Kyuzo right now…

*as soon as the door opens again, Kyuzo stumbles inside – covered in bruises and face blood – and falls over on the floor*

Kyuzo: …If anyone finds a tooth laying around somewhere…it’s mine…

Defender: …Hey!

All: Y-Yes!?

Defender: … *grins* …Who wants presents?

*the Epsilon Defender – introducing herself as Briar Rose – distributes presents among the housemates*

Rose: Well…that’s all of ‘em. Have a good one, folks.

Hayate: Hey, wait! Miss Briar Rose!

Rose: “Miss”? Heh. First time someone called me that. Just “Rose” is fine.

Hayate: You wanna stay for the party?

Rose: …Hmm…

*Kyuzo is seen behind Rose motioning signs and mouthing the word “NO!” over and over*

Rose: …Nah. I’ll pass. *turns around and starts walking away*

Kyuzo: (Whew…)

Nue: …We have egg nog.

Rose: *stops walking* …Egg nog?

Kyuzo: (…F**K!!!)

*after Rose ends up staying for the party (and egg nog), the housemates start exchanging gifts with their Secret Santa recipients*

Hayate: *gives gift to Kyoko* …Here.

Kyoko: Ooh! *snags gift away and tears off wrapping paper* Ooooooh… A necklace! *glomps Hayate* I love it! ^_^

Hayate: FIVE FEET, FIVE FEET, FIVE FEET[/b]!!!

Shirou: Here you go, Saber.

Saber: Ah. Thank you, Shirou.

Miharu: …Uh, N-Neon?

Neon: Yeah, Miharu?

Miharu: Um… I, uh… *shoves gift in Neon’s chest* H-Here!

Neon: … *smiles* Thanks, Miharu.

Miharu: … *sigh*

Ayliori: …Bow-chika-wow-wow…

Miharu: SHUT THE F**K UP, AYLIORI!!!

Hanabi: …Yo.

Kyuzo: Hmm? Aah! *catches his gift* Heh. Thanks.

Hanabi: …Whatever.

Jack: *gives gift to Gwen* Merry Christmas, Gwen!

Gwen: Aw, thanks, Jack. Wow… It’s big… *unwraps gift* …What the hell is this, Jack?

Jack: A shovel!

Gwen: *twitch* A SHOVEL?!? THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH A SHOVEL?!?

Jack: …Go to the backyard.

*Gwen goes to the backyard behind the house and finds an X in the snow; using the shovel, she digs underneath the X and finds…*

Gwen: … *gasp*

*…a brand-new javelin*

Gwen: …Heh. I guess even Jack has his moments.

*on her way back inside, Gwen passes by Jack*

Gwen: Thanks for the spear, bro!

Jack: …Spear? That’s not what I got Gwen for Christmas…

*in the backyard, Chibi-Usa comes across a second X in the snow and digs up…*

Chibi-Usa: …AAAHHH!!! SEVERED HEAD!!!

*in the far corner of the living room, Briar Rose is seen quietly sitting and smoking with her eyes closed*

Rose: …

Nue: …Hey.

Rose: *opens eyes* Hmm?

Nue: *hands Rose a gift* Here.

Rose: …Uh… Thanks.

Nue: *walks away*

Rose: …Heh.

*after all the gifts have been exchanged, Neon enters the room with his entire body wrapped in mistletoe*

Neon: I’M BACK, LADIES!!!

Maryn: …Oh, dear God…

Hanabi: … *casts a fire spell on Neon to set the mistletoe ablaze*

Neon: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! IT BURNS!!!!! WHY?!?!?[/i][/size]

*just then, there’s a knock at the door; Hayate answers it and sees the cloaked man standing on the other side*

CM: I heard you were having egg nog!

All: …

Kyuzo: … *looks at Vyce* Get the fire hose.

CM: …Uh-oh…

*the cloaked man is the doused with a giant stream of water and flies away*

CM: MAY YOU BE SMITED BY THE ALMIGHTY TRI-EDGE!!!!![/i]

*hours later, after the party ends, everyone returns to their respective houses; Briar Rose is seen sleeping on the floor*

Rose: *snoring loudly*

Gilgamesh: So…what do we do with her?

Kyuzo: I can think of one thing… *starts taking shirt off*

Shirou: Don’t even think about it, Kyuzo.

Hayate: *sigh* I guess we can let her stay for the time being… Ren, Paris, can you carry her?

Ren: Sure.

Paris: Naturellement!

*Ren and Paris pick up and carry Briar Rose’s body next door*

Hayate: … *looks around* …Hey, where’s Jack?

Ciel: I think he said something about “taking his present out for a spin”.

Hayate: “A spin”? What’d Kyoko get him, a steam bike?

Ciel: …Not exactly…

*just then, a jet plane crashes into the house*

Hayate: A jet plane?!? She got him a JET PLANE?!?!? Where the hell did she get a freakin’ JET PLANE?!?!?!?

*some time later…*

All: One… Two… THREE!!!

*at the count of 3, the boys toss Jack back into the basement*

Jack: *tumbling down the stairs* Ow! Ugh! Ay! Oof! …Ohhhh… You guys, this isn’t funny anymore!

Kyuzo: …We only do stuff like this to teach you a lesson, Jacky…

Jack: NOOOOOO!!! DON’T CLOSE THE DOOOOOOR!!! WAAAAAAH!!!

*in the skies above, Santa Claus is seen traveling overhead in his sleigh…*

Santa: HO-HO-HO!!!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

*…when all of a sudden, a missile flies into the sleigh and it bursts into flames*

Vyce: *holding bazooka* Hah! Bull’s-eye! Take that, fat man!

Kaga: …I still can’t believe Chibi-Usa got you a freakin’ bazooka…

Vyce: I KNOW, RIGHT?!?