Post by Hayate on May 1, 2008 19:23:19 GMT -5
Crossover between .hack//Galaxy and Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law. Don't ask; just read. ;D
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The World: Eternal City of Mac Anu
*Tomonari Kasumi and Sakura Nakanishi log into The World as Kuhn and Saku*
Kuhn: *looks at Sakubo and smiles* So…you ready?
Saku: Just a sec.
*for a brief moment, Saku’s PC body gives off a gold light; the light quickly vanishes*
Kuhn: Hehehe… You sure go all out, don’t you?
Saku: Always do. …Now… *smirk* …let’s go. I know a little place no one else knows about…
*Kuhn and Saku walk into a secluded area of the dome; several minutes later; screams and moans of pleasure are heard by other players in the dome*
Player 1: What the hell!?
Player 2: Sheesh… Sounds like some guy has a Grunty problem.
Player 3: …In his pants. Hehehe.
*just then, the screams and moans suddenly stop*
: …Aah!!! What the hell?!?
*Saku suddenly dashes out of the secluded area of the dome screaming and crying; seconds later, Kuhn walks out with his pants down*
Kuhn: Hey, wait! Where are you going!?
*he notices other players staring vacantly at him*
Players: o.0
Kuhn: …The f**k y’all lookin’ at?!?
Player 1: …Not much.
Tokyo City: Calahan & Calahan™ Law Firm
~ Ryou Misaki’s Office ~
*Ryou Misaki is seen sleeping in his chair with a manga book on his face; he begins talking in his sleep*
Ryou: *snoring* …Oh, Shino… What’s that…? You wanna scrub my back…? Hehehe… Sure… *snoring*
*just then, Ryou’s intercom beeps*
Shino (on intercom): A Mr. Tomonari Kasumi is here to see you.
Ryou: *snoring*
Shino (on intercom): …RYOU!!!
Ryou: Aah! I’m up! I’m up! *falls out of chair and onto floor* …Ow. *rises to feet* …Uh…S-Send him in.
*a brown-haired man walks into Ryou’s office and up to him*
Ryou: Hi there! *extends hand to man* Ryou Misaki! How can I help you?
Tomonari: H-Hi. *shakes Ryou’s hand* Tomonari Kasumi. Well, you see, I was playing that online game The World…
Ryou: Uh-huh.
Tomonari: …with a girl…
Ryou: Uh-huh.
Tomonari: …and we decided to…you know…
Ryou: …What? Decided to what?
Tomonari: …You know…
Ryou: …I’m not following you…
Tomonari: You know!!! …“Cyber”…
Ryou: …I’m sorry, could you repeat that?
Tomonari: “CYBER”!!!
*just then, Kyoya Ishida pops his head into the office*
Kyoya: I heard the “C” word!!!
Ryou: …
Tomonari: …
Kyoya: …I’ll be outside if you need me!
*Kyoya leaves, but comes back in and leaves a tape recorder on Ryou’s desk*
Kyoya: You don’t mind if I leave this here, do ya? Great! Later! *leaves*
Ryou: …Then what happened?
Tomonari: Well, things are getting pretty hot at this point, right? Then, all of a sudden, she screams at me and runs away! I try to contact her afterwards, but she’s going on with some “I’m not Saku! I’m Iori!” bull! Next thing I know, I’m slapped with a subpoena!
Ryou: Hmm… Hot, you say?
Tomonari: …Yeah…
Ryou: I see… I’LL TAKE THE CASE!!! …So the sex was good then?
~ Alexander Calahan’s Office ~
Alex: *looking at camera monitor* Oh, you think you’re so clever, don’t ya!? You think you got ‘Ol’ Alex’ fooled, don’t ya!? Well, nothing gets past Alexander Calahan! Nothing, you hear!? You mess with me, you get the shaft! HA-HA-HA!!! …Shaft.
*moments later, Ryou walks into Alex’s office*
Ryou: You wanted to see me, Alex?
Alex: Misaki, get in here!
Ryou: …I already am, Alex.
Alex: SHUT UP AND GET OVER HERE!!!
Ryou: *walks up to Alex* …Uh, Alex, why are you wearing an eyepatch?
Alex: I’m bringing back the pirate look! Pirates got a lot of booty back in their day! And no, I’m not talking about gold!
Ryou: …
Alex: …I’m talkin’ about asses, Ryou!
Ryou: I got it!!!
Alex: Here! *points towards camera monitor* Look at this guy here!
*looking at the monitor, Ryou notices the camera monitoring an employee*
Ryou: …Isn’t that the guy you hired last week, Alex?
Alex: Hell no! I think I’d remember something like that!
Ryou: There’s even a memo on your desk.
Alex: Don’t bother me with details, Misaki!!! The point is, ever since this guy showed up, things around the firm have gone missing! Plants, water coolers, that statue of Alkaid I keep displayed in the lobby, you name it! *grabs Ryou’s collar* I NEED THAT STATUE, MISAKI!!!
Ryou: W-Well, what do you want me to do about it!?
Alex: You!? Don’t be an idiot, Ryou! I wouldn’t count on you to wash my car!
Ryou: …Where is your car anyway?
Alex: Taira’s out getting it waxed.
*elsewhere…*
Taira: WHAT KIND OF CAR WASH SPRAYS CARS WITH HOT ACID?!?!?
Car Wash Employee: Well, if you didn’t want acid, you could’ve said something!!!
Taira: IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO ME, I’M TAKING YOU DOWN WITH ME, BUDDY!!!
Ryou: …And besides, Alex, what proof do you have that this guy stole from the firm?
Alex: Oh, that scumbag’s guilty alright! And he isn’t gonna get away with this! I’m conducting a full investigation! If this guy so much as blows his nose, I’m gonna be there! HA-HA-HA!!! …Wetback snot.
~ Courtroom ~
*Ryou and Tomonari walk into the courtroom to find Iori Nakanishi and his busty attorney Reiko Saeki*
Ryou: Huh? …Oh, no.
Tomonari: What is it?
Ryou: It’s Reiko Saeki. She’s an attorney for the Ginga & Uchiyamada law firm. She hates my guts. *walks over* Saeki.
Reiko: *aims ray gun at Ryou* BACK OFF!!! …Oh. *looks at Ryou contemptuously* It’s only you, Misaki. So, ready to lose yet another case to me?
Ryou: They say pride goes before the fall, Reiko.
Reiko: Hmph.
Tomonari: Hey, cutie-pie. After this is over, you wanna catch a movie?
Reiko: *aims ray gun at Tomonari* BACK OFF!!! I’ll “uglify” you!!!
Bailiff: All rise! The honorable Judge Takumi Hino presiding!
*just then, a lightning cloud forms above the judge’s seat; out of the cloud emerges Takumi Hino, who floats down into his seat; the crowd applauds him*
Yata: Thank you! Thank you! You’re too kind! And you!!! *slaps bailiff upside the head* I thought we made it clear that, while I’m in the courtroom, I am to be addressed as… *clears throat* YATA THE MIND SERPENT!!! Bweeeeeooooo…
Ryou: Oh, brother…
Yata: I heard that, Mr. Misaki! *motions hands* There! I just killed your wife! How do you like them apples!?
Ryou: *gasp* Shino?!?
Yata: …PSYCH[/i]!!! Hahahaha! Oh, you should’ve seen the look on your face! Hahaha! Ahhhhhh… Okay! Let’s do this thing! Do you… *points gavel at Tomonari* …take Miss Gazongas over there as your lawfully-wedded wife?
Tomonari: I DO!!!
Reiko: …“Miss Gazongas”…?
Bailiff: Uh, your honor? *whispers into Yata’s ear*
Yata: …What do you mean this isn’t a wedding!? Hold on! *conjures a calendar* Hmm… Oh, wait. The wedding’s next week. My bad, y’all! Remind me to fire my schedule planner. …On second thought, I’ll do it! Bweeeeeooooo-weeeeeooooo…
*elsewhere…*
Schedule Planner: *talking to department store employee while holding a tuxedo* Do you have this in white?
*just then, the schedule planner bursts into flames*
Schedule Planner: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! *runs around in circles* IT BURNS WITH THE WHITE-HOT INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND SUNS!!!!!
Employee: …So will you be wearing the tux out, sir…?
Yata: …Okay! *bangs gavel* Opening statements! GO!
Ryou: *rises from seat and clears throat* “Cybering”.
Kyoya: *pops in* I heard that! *takes out tape recorder* Did I miss anything!?
Yata: … *motions hands, causing Kyoya’s tape recorder to break*
Kyoya: NOOOO!!!! My blackmail material!
Ryou: …As I was saying… “Cybering”. Street name for “cybersex”. “Computer sex”. “Net sex”. The act of role-playing sexual intercourse via the internet. Harmless fun, right?
Alex: *pops in* Not when I do it! HA-HA-HA!!! …Mind rape.
Ryou: Harmless fun. At least my client thought it was…until his hunger for sexual satisfaction was cold-bloodedly stricken from him at the hands of D.I.D. – Dissociative Identity Disorder! *points to Iori* This girl--
Iori: BOY!!!
Ryou: Whatever. This boy knew full well that he was diagnosed with such a disorder, and yet decided to nevertheless participate in the act of “cybering”. …Or did he? Was it he who participated? Or was it one of his other God-knows-how-many personalities? Who’s to say!? Where is the line that separates mental volatility from good judgment!? …Thank you.
Yata: You’re up, baby-doll.
Reiko: *rises from seat* Ladies and gentlemen of the jury-- *aims ray gun at juror* Back off!!! …Is it safe to assume that we all carry with us a reasonable amount of rationality at all times? Is it also safe to assume that-- *aims ray gun again* I can see you out of the corner of my eye!!! …that we carry said rationality with us when we surf the web? When participating in acts such as…“cybering”…do we not make sure that we familiarize ourselves with who are participating in such acts with? *aims ray gun again* Don’t look at me!!! I’ll give you a face not even a mother wouldn’t love!!! …My opponent’s client failed to do so, resulting in a breakdown of communication and--
*just then, the juror Reiko was pointing her ray gun at pokes her*
Reiko: I TOLD YOU TO BACK OFF!!!
*Reiko fires her ray gun, causing the juror’s face to become twisted and hideous*
All: Ewww…
Juror: I just wanted to see if they were real!
Kyoya: Oh, they’re real. Reiko plus Kyoya plus bed equals UNA NOCHE CALIENTE[/i]!!!
~ C&C Law Firm, Employee’s Lounge ~
*Alex partially emerges from behind a large potted plant and spies on the employee through binoculars*
Alex: Alright, you dirty, filthy scum of the earth… Let’s see what you’re hiding…
*Alex looks at the food the employee had laid out in front of him*
Alex: Roast beef hoagie… Freshly ripened apple… Brownie with walnuts--no, almonds… And a thermos filled with…*gasp* MINUTE MAID ORANGE JUICE?!? Good God, it’s worst than I thought! He’s a Communist! Alright, comrade… Tell me your secrets…
*just then, the employee rises from his seat*
Alex: *gasp* He’s getting up! Where’s he going…?
Employee: …Señor Alejandro?
*Alex puts his binoculars down and looks up to realize that the employee he was spying was looking straight at him*
Alex: Gasp! Exposed! Busted! Out in the open! HA-HA-HA!!! …Private parts. *runs away*
~ Courtroom ~
Ryou: I’d like to call Mr. Tomonari Kasumi to the stand.
*Tomonari sits in the witness’s chair and Ryou approaches him*
Ryou: Tell me, Mr. Kasumi, this online game in which you’ve participated in “cybering” – what’s it called?
Tomonari: It’s called The World.
Ryou: And this game – The World – it’s pretty well-known, right?
Tomonari: Sure is. Sold over 5 million copies in Japan alone.
Ryou: I see… So would you say that at least 25% of its buyers play the game solely for the purpose of “cybering”?
Tomonari: …I-I guess so.
Ryou: 25%. A rather large percentage. And just to fulfill one’s deep sexual desires. Nothing wrong with that, is there? …No further questions.
*as Ryou sits down, Reiko stands up and approaches Tomonari*
Reiko: Mr. Kasumi, do you spend a lot of time online?
Tomonari: I suppose. I mean, I don’t spend as much time online as the average teen, but--
Reiko: You can shut up now.
Tomonari: …
Reiko: Now answer me this, Mr. Kasumi – have you participated in “cybering” prior to my client?
Tomonari: Well…yes.
Reiko: And have you ever done background checks on said prior “cyber-partners”?
Tomonari: S-Sometimes.
Reiko: Only sometimes? Surely a man such as yourself would think of doing background checks on ALL his “cyber-partners”, wouldn’t you agree?
Tomonari: Uh…
Reiko: Answer the question!!!
Tomonari: *sweatdrop* I, uh…
Reiko: NEED I REMIND YOU THAT YOU ARE UNDER OATH!?
Ryou: OBJECTION!!![/size]
Reiko: *aims ray gun at Ryou* UGLY RAY!!!
Ryou: OVERRULED!!![/size]
Yata: *floating gavel* Could we wrap this up? I’ve got a rave to get to. *looks at stenographer* What do you say, sweet cheeks? You wanna party?
Chigusa: Uh… Hehehe…
Yata: Then maybe afterward, we could really party if you know what I mean! I think ya do! Once you go “Mind Serpent”, you never go back!
Ryou/Reiko: OBJECTION!!!!![/i]
~ C&C Law Firm, Corridor ~
*as the suspected employee walks down a hallway, Alex follows close behind disguised as a shrub; as soon as the employee walks into the bathroom, Alex emerges*
Alex: This time I gotcha, you dirty animal!
*Alex walks towards the bathroom as well, but a pretty woman passes him by, distracting him*
Alex: Hellooooo, foxy mama! How’s about shaking that moneymaker my way, eh?
Woman: *looks at Alex* …Daddy?
Alex: Sure, I’ll be your daddy. I can be your brother, cousin, whatever you want me to be. HA-HA-HA!!! …Incest.
Woman: …Daddy, take the eyepatch off.
Alex: Sure thing, babe! *removes eyepatch* Anything else you want to take-- OH!!! Aylia! Daughter!
Aylia: …There ya go.
Alex: Sorry! It was the eyepatch! I’m bringing back the--
Aylia: Pirate look. I know. You told me.
Alex: Well, jeez! You could’ve said something before letting me go on there! …The way you said “Daddy” was sexy though.
*meanwhile, in the bathroom, the suspected employee is seen washing his hands; moments later, Taira exits one of the bathroom stalls with his hand on his stomach*
Taira: Ohhh… I knew I shouldn’t have had that 10-bean knish in the cafeteria… *walks up to sink, starts washing hands, and looks at employee* Hey, buddy! You get that thing I sent ya?
Employee: …
*just then, Alex storms in, once again wearing his eyepatch*
Taira: Hey-hey, there he is! My man Alex! You get that thing I--
Alex: Shut it, Ishida! And you! *points to soap dispenser* Don’t move!
Employee: … *steps to the side*
Alex: I SAID DON’T MOVE!!!
Employee: S-Señor Alejandro? What’s going on?
Alex: I think you know full well what’s going on, you heathen! Just return my Alkaid statue safely and I’ll look the other way! You’ve got until the count of three! ONE!
Employee: Que!? What statue!?
Alex: TWO!!
Employee: Please, señor, you’re not making any sense!
Alex: THREE!!! *takes out walkie-talkie* Attention, all security personnel! Alpha, Foxtrot, Tango, Mudkip! TAG ‘IM AND BAG ‘IM!!!
*several of the law firm’s security agents burst into the bathroom dressed like SWAT team members*
Employee: ¡¡¡Madre de Dios!!!
*the agents seize the employee, bind him, gag him, and carry him out of the bathroom; Alex follows close behind*
Taira: …
Alex: *pops in* By the way, you owe 1,500 bucks for my car!
~ City, “The Epitaph Pub” ~
*Ryou and Tomonari are seen sitting at the counter; the bartender Hartz is seen behind the counter cleaning a drinking glass*
Hartz: Hey, Ryou! What can I get ya?
Ryou: The usual, ‘H’.
Hartz: And your friend?
Tomonari: I’ll take a peach martini.
Hartz: Comin’ up.
*moments later, Hartz gives Tomonari his peach martini and Ryou his usual three shots of scotch*
Ryou: *drinks first shot of scotch* Ahhh! …This line of business gets VERY stressful, my friend.
Tomonari: I’d imagine.
*meanwhile, outside the pub, Ryou is spied on by an assailant*
Assailant: *whispering* Look at him in there… So happy… So carefree… *shouting* IT SICKENS ME!!! *whispering* I see you, Misaki… *talking to self* This is my scheming face… I’m scheming… First, I raise this eyebrow… Then this one… Then this one again…
: …Sakaki?
Sakaki: GAH!!! *turns around* Matsu! I told you never to sneak up on me when I’m scheming!
Matsu: …What are you doing?
Sakaki: What’s it look like I’m doing? *dramatically thrusts fists into the air* PLOTTING THE DEMISE OF RYOU MISAKI!!!
Matsu: Sakaki…seriously…you need to get over this obsession with killing Ryou Misaki. What’d he ever do to you anyway?
Sakaki: …
*several months before, at an open house…*
Parent: So, does your kid go to this school?
Sakaki: Oh, I don’t have a kid. I just come for the food.
*Sakaki looks at the buffet table and notices that just one deviled egg was left*
Sakaki: …Oh, sweet succulent deviled egg, you WILL be mine…
*Sakaki begins walking towards the table; just then, Ryou Misaki approaches the table from its other side, picks up the deviled egg, and eats it*
Ryou: Ohhhh… GOD, that is good…!
Sakaki: … *eye twitches*
Sakaki: THE ULTIMATE INDIGNITY!!!
Matsu: …You’re trying to kill a guy…over a freakin’ deviled egg…?
Sakaki: Too much?
Matsu: …I don’t think we should hang out anymore…
Ryou: *drinks second shot of scotch and sighs* What I don’t understand is why this girl is suing you over some stupid cybering fiasco. I mean, it’s not like she felt anything REAL.
Tomonari: …But she did.
Ryou: …Come again?
Tomonari: Saku inserted herself into the game to…better her experience.
Ryou: …Wait… She actually entered The World?
Tomonari: I don’t really understand it myself, but yeah, pretty much.
Ryou: …Soooooooo…
Tomonari: Yup. She felt everything. *sips martini*
Ryou: …
Hartz: …Dude, can she hook me up?
~ C&C Law Firm, Alexander Calahan’s Office ~
*the employee Alex detained finds himself in Alex’s office; all of the lights were off*
Employee: Eh, excúsame? Señor Calahan?
*just then, a single light from a desk-lamp-sized light bulb shines down onto the employee; in the darkness, Alex is heard speaking*
Alex: Tell me, son… Do you like making others pissed?
Employee: I’m sorry?
Alex: Stealing… I don’t condone it, but hell, who hasn’t stolen things once or twice in their lifetime? But stealing from me…that’s a different story. Now I’ll ask you again: Do you like making others pissed? …‘Cuz you sure hell’s got me pissed.
*Alex emerges from the darkness and glares the employee in the face*
Alex: No one steals from Alexander Calahan!! You know what I do to people who steal from me?!? I chop off their genitals and feed them to my dog!!!
Employee: *gulp*
Alex: …State your name for the record.
Employee: José de Arturo Gil Garcia Meshando. But…in my homeland, I am simply known as…
*the employee suddenly stands up from his seat and assumes a dramatic pose*
Gilgamesh: …ÉL GILGAMESH!!!
Alex: *slaps Gilgamesh* Sit back down, you slime!!!
Gilgamesh: … *sits back down*
Alex: Now… I’m gonna ask you a simple question…and I want the truth. *glares at Gilgamesh* WHERE’S MY STATUE?!?
Gilgamesh: I told you already, señor, I don’t know anything about any statue!
Alex: *slaps Gilgamesh again* We can do this all night if you want!
Gilgamesh: Please, señor! I am but a humble man who works 10 hours a day! A mere cog working the grand clock that is “Calahan & Calahan”! ¿¡Dónde está la justicia en esto!?
Alex: Spare me your Indian psychobabble, Achmed! Now tell me where my statue is!
Gilgamesh: ¡Soy inocente!
Alex: You wanna play rough…? …Fine. *slinks back into the darkness*
*just then, Gilgamesh hears the sound of a revving chainsaw*
Gilgamesh: *gasp* S-Señor?
Alex: …You forced me to do this…
Gilgamesh: ¡E-Espera! What are you doing!? N-No! Stop! I beg of you! STOOOOOP!!!!
*just then, all the lights in the office turn on; Alex and Gilgamesh look towards the office entrance to see a delivery man standing there*
Delivery Man: Hello? I’m with the Takaaki Furnishing Company. …Is now a bad time?
Alex: Can’t you see I’m busy?!?
Delivery Man: Uh…you sent over some office furnishings a few days ago to be refurbished. *looks at clipboard* Let’s see… One lounge couch, one water cooler, and one…“Alkaid statue”…? Am I pronouncing that right?
Alex: MY STATUE!!! *drops chainsaw and dashes out of the office*
Delivery Man: …
Gilgamesh: …
Alex: *pops in* And you! *points to Gilgamesh* Get back to work! *leaves again*
Taira: *pops in* Hey, Alex! I got the check for your car! …Hmm? *looks at Gilgamesh tied up* …Did I miss something kinky?
~ Courtroom ~
Ryou: Defense calls Iori Nakanishi to the stand!
*Iori sits in the witness’s chair and Ryou approaches him*
Ryou: Mr. Nakanishi… On the day of the incident, did you or your other personality do anything to supplement your experience online? Anything…out of the ordinary?
Iori: Well…Saku said that she inserted herself into The World.
Ryou: Who’s Saku?
Iori: My sister.
Ryou: …I see. Can I speak to her?
Iori: She’s sleeping.
Ryou: Then wake her up.
Iori: Oh… She doesn’t like it when I wake her up when she’s--
Ryou: Your Honor.
Yata: Yeah, sure, whatever. *motions hands* Bweeeeeooooo…
*just then, Iori lowers his head and shortly raises it again*
Saku: Huh…? What’s going on…?
Ryou: Miss Saku, I presume?
Saku: What is this? …Why am I in court?
Ryou: Your “brother” Iori is suing my client, Tomonari Kasumi, for suffering physical and psychological trauma sustained while in The World.
Saku: …Oh, yeah… That would explain why I can’t remember anything from the past few days…
Reiko: OBJECTION!!! Leading the witness!
Yata: Oh, pipe down, sister! This is getting good! *conjures a bowl of popcorn and starts eating*
Ryou: Your brother, as well as my client, said that you “inserted” yourself into The World on the day of the incident through mysterious means?
Saku: *shrugs shoulders* Yeah, so?
Ryou: Ah-HA! In admitting that you entered the game yourself to ensure that you feel every sensation of the experience…
Kyoya: Hehehe… Touchy-feely.
Ryou: …you admit to contributing to your “brother’s” trauma! In my professional opinion, one diagnosed with D.I.D. would care to take better precautions to prevent such an event from occurring! …Defense rests.
Yata: Has the jury reached a verdict?
Juror: Yes, your Honor. We find the defendant…not guilty!
Tomonari: YES!!!
Ryou: Hah! In your face, Reiko!
Reiko: *clenches teeth* Grrrr…
Saku: So now that the case is over, you wanna do something tonight?
Tomonari: *turns to face Saku* Absolutely!
Saku: …I was talking to him. *points to Kyoya*
Kyoya: Ooh… Otome wa freaky-deaky…
~ Ryou Misaki’s Office ~
*Ryou, Kyoya, Taira, Gilgamesh, Aylia, and several others are seen standing around in Ryou’s office*
Ryou: Well, everyone, not only did we win the case, but we’ve also struck a blow for the integrity of internet role-play.
Tomonari: Thanks for everything, Mr. Misaki.
Ryou: What are attorneys for, buddy? …Hey! Let’s celebrate with some drinks! *pushes button on intercom* Shino, bring in the champagne!
Intercom: …
Ryou: … *presses button on intercom* Shino?
*just then, the door to Ryou’s office swings open, with Shino standing on the other side*
Shino: Everyone, I have an announcement to make. …I’m pregnant!
All: *gasp*
Aylia: Congratulations, Shino!
Gilgamesh: Now we make…PARTY!!!
Shino: *looks intently at Ryou* …Ryou…
Ryou: …Yes, Shino…?
Shino: …Meet the father!
Alex: *pops in* HA-HA-HA!!! …Promiscuous.
All: …
Gabi: …I’M GABI!!![/size]
All: *laughing*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The World: Eternal City of Mac Anu
*Tomonari Kasumi and Sakura Nakanishi log into The World as Kuhn and Saku*
Kuhn: *looks at Sakubo and smiles* So…you ready?
Saku: Just a sec.
*for a brief moment, Saku’s PC body gives off a gold light; the light quickly vanishes*
Kuhn: Hehehe… You sure go all out, don’t you?
Saku: Always do. …Now… *smirk* …let’s go. I know a little place no one else knows about…
*Kuhn and Saku walk into a secluded area of the dome; several minutes later; screams and moans of pleasure are heard by other players in the dome*
Player 1: What the hell!?
Player 2: Sheesh… Sounds like some guy has a Grunty problem.
Player 3: …In his pants. Hehehe.
*just then, the screams and moans suddenly stop*
: …Aah!!! What the hell?!?*Saku suddenly dashes out of the secluded area of the dome screaming and crying; seconds later, Kuhn walks out with his pants down*
Kuhn: Hey, wait! Where are you going!?
*he notices other players staring vacantly at him*
Players: o.0
Kuhn: …The f**k y’all lookin’ at?!?
Player 1: …Not much.
Ryou Misaki, Attorney at Law
Tokyo City: Calahan & Calahan™ Law Firm
~ Ryou Misaki’s Office ~
*Ryou Misaki is seen sleeping in his chair with a manga book on his face; he begins talking in his sleep*
Ryou: *snoring* …Oh, Shino… What’s that…? You wanna scrub my back…? Hehehe… Sure… *snoring*
*just then, Ryou’s intercom beeps*
Shino (on intercom): A Mr. Tomonari Kasumi is here to see you.
Ryou: *snoring*
Shino (on intercom): …RYOU!!!
Ryou: Aah! I’m up! I’m up! *falls out of chair and onto floor* …Ow. *rises to feet* …Uh…S-Send him in.
*a brown-haired man walks into Ryou’s office and up to him*
Ryou: Hi there! *extends hand to man* Ryou Misaki! How can I help you?
Tomonari: H-Hi. *shakes Ryou’s hand* Tomonari Kasumi. Well, you see, I was playing that online game The World…
Ryou: Uh-huh.
Tomonari: …with a girl…
Ryou: Uh-huh.
Tomonari: …and we decided to…you know…
Ryou: …What? Decided to what?
Tomonari: …You know…
Ryou: …I’m not following you…
Tomonari: You know!!! …“Cyber”…
Ryou: …I’m sorry, could you repeat that?
Tomonari: “CYBER”!!!
*just then, Kyoya Ishida pops his head into the office*
Kyoya: I heard the “C” word!!!
Ryou: …
Tomonari: …
Kyoya: …I’ll be outside if you need me!
*Kyoya leaves, but comes back in and leaves a tape recorder on Ryou’s desk*
Kyoya: You don’t mind if I leave this here, do ya? Great! Later! *leaves*
Ryou: …Then what happened?
Tomonari: Well, things are getting pretty hot at this point, right? Then, all of a sudden, she screams at me and runs away! I try to contact her afterwards, but she’s going on with some “I’m not Saku! I’m Iori!” bull! Next thing I know, I’m slapped with a subpoena!
Ryou: Hmm… Hot, you say?
Tomonari: …Yeah…
Ryou: I see… I’LL TAKE THE CASE!!! …So the sex was good then?
~*~*~*~
~ Alexander Calahan’s Office ~
Alex: *looking at camera monitor* Oh, you think you’re so clever, don’t ya!? You think you got ‘Ol’ Alex’ fooled, don’t ya!? Well, nothing gets past Alexander Calahan! Nothing, you hear!? You mess with me, you get the shaft! HA-HA-HA!!! …Shaft.
*moments later, Ryou walks into Alex’s office*
Ryou: You wanted to see me, Alex?
Alex: Misaki, get in here!
Ryou: …I already am, Alex.
Alex: SHUT UP AND GET OVER HERE!!!
Ryou: *walks up to Alex* …Uh, Alex, why are you wearing an eyepatch?
Alex: I’m bringing back the pirate look! Pirates got a lot of booty back in their day! And no, I’m not talking about gold!
Ryou: …
Alex: …I’m talkin’ about asses, Ryou!
Ryou: I got it!!!
Alex: Here! *points towards camera monitor* Look at this guy here!
*looking at the monitor, Ryou notices the camera monitoring an employee*
Ryou: …Isn’t that the guy you hired last week, Alex?
Alex: Hell no! I think I’d remember something like that!
Ryou: There’s even a memo on your desk.
Alex: Don’t bother me with details, Misaki!!! The point is, ever since this guy showed up, things around the firm have gone missing! Plants, water coolers, that statue of Alkaid I keep displayed in the lobby, you name it! *grabs Ryou’s collar* I NEED THAT STATUE, MISAKI!!!
Ryou: W-Well, what do you want me to do about it!?
Alex: You!? Don’t be an idiot, Ryou! I wouldn’t count on you to wash my car!
Ryou: …Where is your car anyway?
Alex: Taira’s out getting it waxed.
*elsewhere…*
Taira: WHAT KIND OF CAR WASH SPRAYS CARS WITH HOT ACID?!?!?
Car Wash Employee: Well, if you didn’t want acid, you could’ve said something!!!
Taira: IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO ME, I’M TAKING YOU DOWN WITH ME, BUDDY!!!
Ryou: …And besides, Alex, what proof do you have that this guy stole from the firm?
Alex: Oh, that scumbag’s guilty alright! And he isn’t gonna get away with this! I’m conducting a full investigation! If this guy so much as blows his nose, I’m gonna be there! HA-HA-HA!!! …Wetback snot.
~*~*~*~
~ Courtroom ~
*Ryou and Tomonari walk into the courtroom to find Iori Nakanishi and his busty attorney Reiko Saeki*
Ryou: Huh? …Oh, no.
Tomonari: What is it?
Ryou: It’s Reiko Saeki. She’s an attorney for the Ginga & Uchiyamada law firm. She hates my guts. *walks over* Saeki.
Reiko: *aims ray gun at Ryou* BACK OFF!!! …Oh. *looks at Ryou contemptuously* It’s only you, Misaki. So, ready to lose yet another case to me?
Ryou: They say pride goes before the fall, Reiko.
Reiko: Hmph.
Tomonari: Hey, cutie-pie. After this is over, you wanna catch a movie?
Reiko: *aims ray gun at Tomonari* BACK OFF!!! I’ll “uglify” you!!!
Bailiff: All rise! The honorable Judge Takumi Hino presiding!
*just then, a lightning cloud forms above the judge’s seat; out of the cloud emerges Takumi Hino, who floats down into his seat; the crowd applauds him*
Yata: Thank you! Thank you! You’re too kind! And you!!! *slaps bailiff upside the head* I thought we made it clear that, while I’m in the courtroom, I am to be addressed as… *clears throat* YATA THE MIND SERPENT!!! Bweeeeeooooo…
Ryou: Oh, brother…
Yata: I heard that, Mr. Misaki! *motions hands* There! I just killed your wife! How do you like them apples!?
Ryou: *gasp* Shino?!?
Yata: …PSYCH[/i]!!! Hahahaha! Oh, you should’ve seen the look on your face! Hahaha! Ahhhhhh… Okay! Let’s do this thing! Do you… *points gavel at Tomonari* …take Miss Gazongas over there as your lawfully-wedded wife?
Tomonari: I DO!!!
Reiko: …“Miss Gazongas”…?
Bailiff: Uh, your honor? *whispers into Yata’s ear*
Yata: …What do you mean this isn’t a wedding!? Hold on! *conjures a calendar* Hmm… Oh, wait. The wedding’s next week. My bad, y’all! Remind me to fire my schedule planner. …On second thought, I’ll do it! Bweeeeeooooo-weeeeeooooo…
*elsewhere…*
Schedule Planner: *talking to department store employee while holding a tuxedo* Do you have this in white?
*just then, the schedule planner bursts into flames*
Schedule Planner: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! *runs around in circles* IT BURNS WITH THE WHITE-HOT INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND SUNS!!!!!
Employee: …So will you be wearing the tux out, sir…?
Yata: …Okay! *bangs gavel* Opening statements! GO!
Ryou: *rises from seat and clears throat* “Cybering”.
Kyoya: *pops in* I heard that! *takes out tape recorder* Did I miss anything!?
Yata: … *motions hands, causing Kyoya’s tape recorder to break*
Kyoya: NOOOO!!!! My blackmail material!
Ryou: …As I was saying… “Cybering”. Street name for “cybersex”. “Computer sex”. “Net sex”. The act of role-playing sexual intercourse via the internet. Harmless fun, right?
Alex: *pops in* Not when I do it! HA-HA-HA!!! …Mind rape.
Ryou: Harmless fun. At least my client thought it was…until his hunger for sexual satisfaction was cold-bloodedly stricken from him at the hands of D.I.D. – Dissociative Identity Disorder! *points to Iori* This girl--
Iori: BOY!!!
Ryou: Whatever. This boy knew full well that he was diagnosed with such a disorder, and yet decided to nevertheless participate in the act of “cybering”. …Or did he? Was it he who participated? Or was it one of his other God-knows-how-many personalities? Who’s to say!? Where is the line that separates mental volatility from good judgment!? …Thank you.
Yata: You’re up, baby-doll.
Reiko: *rises from seat* Ladies and gentlemen of the jury-- *aims ray gun at juror* Back off!!! …Is it safe to assume that we all carry with us a reasonable amount of rationality at all times? Is it also safe to assume that-- *aims ray gun again* I can see you out of the corner of my eye!!! …that we carry said rationality with us when we surf the web? When participating in acts such as…“cybering”…do we not make sure that we familiarize ourselves with who are participating in such acts with? *aims ray gun again* Don’t look at me!!! I’ll give you a face not even a mother wouldn’t love!!! …My opponent’s client failed to do so, resulting in a breakdown of communication and--
*just then, the juror Reiko was pointing her ray gun at pokes her*
Reiko: I TOLD YOU TO BACK OFF!!!
*Reiko fires her ray gun, causing the juror’s face to become twisted and hideous*
All: Ewww…
Juror: I just wanted to see if they were real!
Kyoya: Oh, they’re real. Reiko plus Kyoya plus bed equals UNA NOCHE CALIENTE[/i]!!!
~*~*~*~
~ C&C Law Firm, Employee’s Lounge ~
*Alex partially emerges from behind a large potted plant and spies on the employee through binoculars*
Alex: Alright, you dirty, filthy scum of the earth… Let’s see what you’re hiding…
*Alex looks at the food the employee had laid out in front of him*
Alex: Roast beef hoagie… Freshly ripened apple… Brownie with walnuts--no, almonds… And a thermos filled with…*gasp* MINUTE MAID ORANGE JUICE?!? Good God, it’s worst than I thought! He’s a Communist! Alright, comrade… Tell me your secrets…
*just then, the employee rises from his seat*
Alex: *gasp* He’s getting up! Where’s he going…?
Employee: …Señor Alejandro?
*Alex puts his binoculars down and looks up to realize that the employee he was spying was looking straight at him*
Alex: Gasp! Exposed! Busted! Out in the open! HA-HA-HA!!! …Private parts. *runs away*
~*~*~*~
~ Courtroom ~
Ryou: I’d like to call Mr. Tomonari Kasumi to the stand.
*Tomonari sits in the witness’s chair and Ryou approaches him*
Ryou: Tell me, Mr. Kasumi, this online game in which you’ve participated in “cybering” – what’s it called?
Tomonari: It’s called The World.
Ryou: And this game – The World – it’s pretty well-known, right?
Tomonari: Sure is. Sold over 5 million copies in Japan alone.
Ryou: I see… So would you say that at least 25% of its buyers play the game solely for the purpose of “cybering”?
Tomonari: …I-I guess so.
Ryou: 25%. A rather large percentage. And just to fulfill one’s deep sexual desires. Nothing wrong with that, is there? …No further questions.
*as Ryou sits down, Reiko stands up and approaches Tomonari*
Reiko: Mr. Kasumi, do you spend a lot of time online?
Tomonari: I suppose. I mean, I don’t spend as much time online as the average teen, but--
Reiko: You can shut up now.
Tomonari: …
Reiko: Now answer me this, Mr. Kasumi – have you participated in “cybering” prior to my client?
Tomonari: Well…yes.
Reiko: And have you ever done background checks on said prior “cyber-partners”?
Tomonari: S-Sometimes.
Reiko: Only sometimes? Surely a man such as yourself would think of doing background checks on ALL his “cyber-partners”, wouldn’t you agree?
Tomonari: Uh…
Reiko: Answer the question!!!
Tomonari: *sweatdrop* I, uh…
Reiko: NEED I REMIND YOU THAT YOU ARE UNDER OATH!?
Ryou: OBJECTION!!![/size]
Reiko: *aims ray gun at Ryou* UGLY RAY!!!
Ryou: OVERRULED!!![/size]
Yata: *floating gavel* Could we wrap this up? I’ve got a rave to get to. *looks at stenographer* What do you say, sweet cheeks? You wanna party?
Chigusa: Uh… Hehehe…
Yata: Then maybe afterward, we could really party if you know what I mean! I think ya do! Once you go “Mind Serpent”, you never go back!
Ryou/Reiko: OBJECTION!!!!![/i]
~*~*~*~
~ C&C Law Firm, Corridor ~
*as the suspected employee walks down a hallway, Alex follows close behind disguised as a shrub; as soon as the employee walks into the bathroom, Alex emerges*
Alex: This time I gotcha, you dirty animal!
*Alex walks towards the bathroom as well, but a pretty woman passes him by, distracting him*
Alex: Hellooooo, foxy mama! How’s about shaking that moneymaker my way, eh?
Woman: *looks at Alex* …Daddy?
Alex: Sure, I’ll be your daddy. I can be your brother, cousin, whatever you want me to be. HA-HA-HA!!! …Incest.
Woman: …Daddy, take the eyepatch off.
Alex: Sure thing, babe! *removes eyepatch* Anything else you want to take-- OH!!! Aylia! Daughter!
Aylia: …There ya go.
Alex: Sorry! It was the eyepatch! I’m bringing back the--
Aylia: Pirate look. I know. You told me.
Alex: Well, jeez! You could’ve said something before letting me go on there! …The way you said “Daddy” was sexy though.
*meanwhile, in the bathroom, the suspected employee is seen washing his hands; moments later, Taira exits one of the bathroom stalls with his hand on his stomach*
Taira: Ohhh… I knew I shouldn’t have had that 10-bean knish in the cafeteria… *walks up to sink, starts washing hands, and looks at employee* Hey, buddy! You get that thing I sent ya?
Employee: …
*just then, Alex storms in, once again wearing his eyepatch*
Taira: Hey-hey, there he is! My man Alex! You get that thing I--
Alex: Shut it, Ishida! And you! *points to soap dispenser* Don’t move!
Employee: … *steps to the side*
Alex: I SAID DON’T MOVE!!!
Employee: S-Señor Alejandro? What’s going on?
Alex: I think you know full well what’s going on, you heathen! Just return my Alkaid statue safely and I’ll look the other way! You’ve got until the count of three! ONE!
Employee: Que!? What statue!?
Alex: TWO!!
Employee: Please, señor, you’re not making any sense!
Alex: THREE!!! *takes out walkie-talkie* Attention, all security personnel! Alpha, Foxtrot, Tango, Mudkip! TAG ‘IM AND BAG ‘IM!!!
*several of the law firm’s security agents burst into the bathroom dressed like SWAT team members*
Employee: ¡¡¡Madre de Dios!!!
*the agents seize the employee, bind him, gag him, and carry him out of the bathroom; Alex follows close behind*
Taira: …
Alex: *pops in* By the way, you owe 1,500 bucks for my car!
~*~*~*~
~ City, “The Epitaph Pub” ~
*Ryou and Tomonari are seen sitting at the counter; the bartender Hartz is seen behind the counter cleaning a drinking glass*
Hartz: Hey, Ryou! What can I get ya?
Ryou: The usual, ‘H’.
Hartz: And your friend?
Tomonari: I’ll take a peach martini.
Hartz: Comin’ up.
*moments later, Hartz gives Tomonari his peach martini and Ryou his usual three shots of scotch*
Ryou: *drinks first shot of scotch* Ahhh! …This line of business gets VERY stressful, my friend.
Tomonari: I’d imagine.
*meanwhile, outside the pub, Ryou is spied on by an assailant*
Assailant: *whispering* Look at him in there… So happy… So carefree… *shouting* IT SICKENS ME!!! *whispering* I see you, Misaki… *talking to self* This is my scheming face… I’m scheming… First, I raise this eyebrow… Then this one… Then this one again…
: …Sakaki?Sakaki: GAH!!! *turns around* Matsu! I told you never to sneak up on me when I’m scheming!
Matsu: …What are you doing?
Sakaki: What’s it look like I’m doing? *dramatically thrusts fists into the air* PLOTTING THE DEMISE OF RYOU MISAKI!!!
Matsu: Sakaki…seriously…you need to get over this obsession with killing Ryou Misaki. What’d he ever do to you anyway?
Sakaki: …
*several months before, at an open house…*
Parent: So, does your kid go to this school?
Sakaki: Oh, I don’t have a kid. I just come for the food.
*Sakaki looks at the buffet table and notices that just one deviled egg was left*
Sakaki: …Oh, sweet succulent deviled egg, you WILL be mine…
*Sakaki begins walking towards the table; just then, Ryou Misaki approaches the table from its other side, picks up the deviled egg, and eats it*
Ryou: Ohhhh… GOD, that is good…!
Sakaki: … *eye twitches*
Sakaki: THE ULTIMATE INDIGNITY!!!
Matsu: …You’re trying to kill a guy…over a freakin’ deviled egg…?
Sakaki: Too much?
Matsu: …I don’t think we should hang out anymore…
Ryou: *drinks second shot of scotch and sighs* What I don’t understand is why this girl is suing you over some stupid cybering fiasco. I mean, it’s not like she felt anything REAL.
Tomonari: …But she did.
Ryou: …Come again?
Tomonari: Saku inserted herself into the game to…better her experience.
Ryou: …Wait… She actually entered The World?
Tomonari: I don’t really understand it myself, but yeah, pretty much.
Ryou: …Soooooooo…
Tomonari: Yup. She felt everything. *sips martini*
Ryou: …
Hartz: …Dude, can she hook me up?
~*~*~*~
~ C&C Law Firm, Alexander Calahan’s Office ~
*the employee Alex detained finds himself in Alex’s office; all of the lights were off*
Employee: Eh, excúsame? Señor Calahan?
*just then, a single light from a desk-lamp-sized light bulb shines down onto the employee; in the darkness, Alex is heard speaking*
Alex: Tell me, son… Do you like making others pissed?
Employee: I’m sorry?
Alex: Stealing… I don’t condone it, but hell, who hasn’t stolen things once or twice in their lifetime? But stealing from me…that’s a different story. Now I’ll ask you again: Do you like making others pissed? …‘Cuz you sure hell’s got me pissed.
*Alex emerges from the darkness and glares the employee in the face*
Alex: No one steals from Alexander Calahan!! You know what I do to people who steal from me?!? I chop off their genitals and feed them to my dog!!!
Employee: *gulp*
Alex: …State your name for the record.
Employee: José de Arturo Gil Garcia Meshando. But…in my homeland, I am simply known as…
*the employee suddenly stands up from his seat and assumes a dramatic pose*
Gilgamesh: …ÉL GILGAMESH!!!
Alex: *slaps Gilgamesh* Sit back down, you slime!!!
Gilgamesh: … *sits back down*
Alex: Now… I’m gonna ask you a simple question…and I want the truth. *glares at Gilgamesh* WHERE’S MY STATUE?!?
Gilgamesh: I told you already, señor, I don’t know anything about any statue!
Alex: *slaps Gilgamesh again* We can do this all night if you want!
Gilgamesh: Please, señor! I am but a humble man who works 10 hours a day! A mere cog working the grand clock that is “Calahan & Calahan”! ¿¡Dónde está la justicia en esto!?
Alex: Spare me your Indian psychobabble, Achmed! Now tell me where my statue is!
Gilgamesh: ¡Soy inocente!
Alex: You wanna play rough…? …Fine. *slinks back into the darkness*
*just then, Gilgamesh hears the sound of a revving chainsaw*
Gilgamesh: *gasp* S-Señor?
Alex: …You forced me to do this…
Gilgamesh: ¡E-Espera! What are you doing!? N-No! Stop! I beg of you! STOOOOOP!!!!
*just then, all the lights in the office turn on; Alex and Gilgamesh look towards the office entrance to see a delivery man standing there*
Delivery Man: Hello? I’m with the Takaaki Furnishing Company. …Is now a bad time?
Alex: Can’t you see I’m busy?!?
Delivery Man: Uh…you sent over some office furnishings a few days ago to be refurbished. *looks at clipboard* Let’s see… One lounge couch, one water cooler, and one…“Alkaid statue”…? Am I pronouncing that right?
Alex: MY STATUE!!! *drops chainsaw and dashes out of the office*
Delivery Man: …
Gilgamesh: …
Alex: *pops in* And you! *points to Gilgamesh* Get back to work! *leaves again*
Taira: *pops in* Hey, Alex! I got the check for your car! …Hmm? *looks at Gilgamesh tied up* …Did I miss something kinky?
~*~*~*~
~ Courtroom ~
Ryou: Defense calls Iori Nakanishi to the stand!
*Iori sits in the witness’s chair and Ryou approaches him*
Ryou: Mr. Nakanishi… On the day of the incident, did you or your other personality do anything to supplement your experience online? Anything…out of the ordinary?
Iori: Well…Saku said that she inserted herself into The World.
Ryou: Who’s Saku?
Iori: My sister.
Ryou: …I see. Can I speak to her?
Iori: She’s sleeping.
Ryou: Then wake her up.
Iori: Oh… She doesn’t like it when I wake her up when she’s--
Ryou: Your Honor.
Yata: Yeah, sure, whatever. *motions hands* Bweeeeeooooo…
*just then, Iori lowers his head and shortly raises it again*
Saku: Huh…? What’s going on…?
Ryou: Miss Saku, I presume?
Saku: What is this? …Why am I in court?
Ryou: Your “brother” Iori is suing my client, Tomonari Kasumi, for suffering physical and psychological trauma sustained while in The World.
Saku: …Oh, yeah… That would explain why I can’t remember anything from the past few days…
Reiko: OBJECTION!!! Leading the witness!
Yata: Oh, pipe down, sister! This is getting good! *conjures a bowl of popcorn and starts eating*
Ryou: Your brother, as well as my client, said that you “inserted” yourself into The World on the day of the incident through mysterious means?
Saku: *shrugs shoulders* Yeah, so?
Ryou: Ah-HA! In admitting that you entered the game yourself to ensure that you feel every sensation of the experience…
Kyoya: Hehehe… Touchy-feely.
Ryou: …you admit to contributing to your “brother’s” trauma! In my professional opinion, one diagnosed with D.I.D. would care to take better precautions to prevent such an event from occurring! …Defense rests.
~*~*~*~
Yata: Has the jury reached a verdict?
Juror: Yes, your Honor. We find the defendant…not guilty!
Tomonari: YES!!!
Ryou: Hah! In your face, Reiko!
Reiko: *clenches teeth* Grrrr…
Saku: So now that the case is over, you wanna do something tonight?
Tomonari: *turns to face Saku* Absolutely!
Saku: …I was talking to him. *points to Kyoya*
Kyoya: Ooh… Otome wa freaky-deaky…
~*~*~*~
~ Ryou Misaki’s Office ~
*Ryou, Kyoya, Taira, Gilgamesh, Aylia, and several others are seen standing around in Ryou’s office*
Ryou: Well, everyone, not only did we win the case, but we’ve also struck a blow for the integrity of internet role-play.
Tomonari: Thanks for everything, Mr. Misaki.
Ryou: What are attorneys for, buddy? …Hey! Let’s celebrate with some drinks! *pushes button on intercom* Shino, bring in the champagne!
Intercom: …
Ryou: … *presses button on intercom* Shino?
*just then, the door to Ryou’s office swings open, with Shino standing on the other side*
Shino: Everyone, I have an announcement to make. …I’m pregnant!
All: *gasp*
Aylia: Congratulations, Shino!
Gilgamesh: Now we make…PARTY!!!
Shino: *looks intently at Ryou* …Ryou…
Ryou: …Yes, Shino…?
Shino: …Meet the father!
Alex: *pops in* HA-HA-HA!!! …Promiscuous.
All: …
Gabi: …I’M GABI!!![/size]
All: *laughing*
The End
[/i][/size][/center][/color]